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deb1
Guest
Would it help anyone to have Thanksgiving meals at thier own home? Sometimes people are more respectful when they are on another person’s home turf.
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kage_ar
Guest
I thank GOD that we are able to spend time with our extended families on the Holidays. Do some of them annoy others - yup. We are blessed. To have relatives that are created in the image of God, and to call them toxic just runs against my grain.
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deb1
Guest
There is a big difference between the annoyances that are caused in normal-whatever normal is-families and those who have the misfortune to come from really toxic families.
I used to get annoyed at people who didn’t seem to appreciate how nice their families were but complained about stupid things, while I was dealing with my mom’s mutliple boyfriends/husbands/perscription drug addiction/ what ever nuttiness she could throw at me.You’ve always seemed so nice on the forums that I know that your family must be very nice.
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kage_ar
Guest
I am related to people I’d not have chosen as friends - we all have a few of them, it does amaze me how many people here have such insurmountable issues with family. Many many prayers for all!!!There is a big difference between the annoyances that are caused in normal-whatever normal is-families and those who have the misfortune to come from really toxic families.
You’ve always seemed so nice on the forums that I know that your family must be very nice.
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lizaanne
Guest
There is a difference between annoyance and dysfunctional. I’ve had both - the former I deal with and just enjoy the time with them as much as possible, the latter I stay clear of at all costs. There ARE toxic people in this world. That does not mean we don’t love them - it only means that it is not emotionally (or sometimes physically) safe to be around them. For some people, realizing, admitting, and acting on that awareness can be the difference between, not only having an enjoyable holiday, but life and death in some cases.
I’m so happy for you that you have a wonderful family that you can be around and enjoy. Not everyone is so blessed.
~Liza
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mercygate
Guest
The day I figured out that my most toxic/disruptive relative was an alcoholic, mentally ill, and a drug abuser, things got easier.
Once you figure out that the button-pushing is pathological behavior, then your buttons don’t get so easily pushed. Do not allow yourself to be manipulated by these people.
Host the holiday yourself and don’t invite the troublemakers. If others choose not to come because you have excluded your problem people, tell them you are sorry and that you will miss them.
This is a lose-lose situation: Lose the troublemakers, lose the stress. You may take heat for this but you will be respected if you set standards for your own home and stick to your guns.
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Giannawannabe
Guest
You are blessed, kage ar. Truly you are. I’m sorry that you were offended by my term “toxic”. How about mentally ill? Or alcoholic? Or mean? There really are people like that. Not in everyone’s family, but they are in mine. Just think of all the mean, dysfunctional, alcoholic, mentally ill people you’ve met in your life. Then, try putting up with them for every holiday and special occasion for hours at a time! That’s truly what it’s like.
I didn’t mean to offend or sound ungrateful. I started this thread to see how others deal with their difficult families in a charitable manner. I really, really want to handle things better, instead of crying and being upset for days afterward (and many times BEFORE the event!).
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Giannawannabe
Guest
I tried that for a few years, but these relatives caused such a fuss about it, that I quit trying. I won’t even go into all of that. It’s a really good idea, and would’ve been so nice when the kids were small, so we didn’t have to drag them out all over the state!
BTW, I PMed you, deb, but you are full!
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Giannawannabe
Guest
It does help to realize that the toxic relatives are mentally ill and/or substance/alcohol abusers. I feel sorry for them, as they are really, really unhappy.
For my own family functions (kid birthdays, First Communions), I stopped inviting the alcoholics and rowdy/rude talking family members. I just didn’t think it appropriate for kid activities. You are right–I lost the stress and the troublemakers for those occasions! MUCH better time had by all–especially me!
My dh has pretty much convinced me that next year, we need to just go and do something fun with the kids. Maybe start a new tradition. I think that may be the way to go for us.
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Giannawannabe
Guest
I do agree that there are a lot of people with big, big problems on this forum. I think by it’s very nature, CAF attracts people who need support from good Catholic people. I may stray away for awhile, but always return. I think I felt lost about my situation, and wanted some objective, Catholic advice. I’ll bet that’s the reason many people post!:yup:
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kage_ar
Guest
Aside from dysfunctional (that seems pop-psychology-ish)… the other words are real and IMHO, provide a clearer perspective than “toxic”.
Change does not happen overnight, but, God can work miracles. Will pray for your family!
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Brian_C
Guest
I made it through with flying colors!!!
My wife was soooo surprised. I believe it’s because no shopping was involved and I was able to buy tires.
My wife was soooo surprised. I believe it’s because no shopping was involved and I was able to buy tires.
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homewardbound
Guest
I’m never visiting family again. Sick of being told I’m not a Christian and am going to hell cause I’m Catholic and that I made up all of my mental health illnesses by taking psychology classes and psychology is evil…even though if this field didn’t exist I would not be here right now. I hate my family more and more as I get older. I’m done.
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deb1
Guest
Sorry about that, Giannawannabe. I have been on this forum almost three years and only have deleted items in my mail maybe three times.I tried that for a few years, but these relatives caused such a fuss about it, that I quit trying. I won’t even go into all of that. It’s a really good idea, and would’ve been so nice when the kids were small, so we didn’t have to drag them out all over the state!
BTW, I PMed you, deb, but you are full!
I just got read of older mail so if you want to PM me again that is all right. I also have my email on my blog profile.
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homewardbound
Guest
I’m mentally ill and had to deal with my “healthy” family members putting me down all day saying I have no real problems and made it all up and that the psychology field is worthless and puts stupid ideas in people’s heads and bipolar and depression and all that doesn’t really exist. Oh and everything in my past(abuse committed by those outside of the family) was all my fault.
It goes both ways. Even people who aren’t ill or on drugs or drinking…they can be worse than those who do have those problems. Cause they have no excuse for their ignorance and stupidity.
Sorry, I’m miffed at my family. They don’t even know it cause I barely said a word all day Thursday. sigh
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deb1
Guest
Maybe because you sought help ***you ***are now the sane member in your family.
I think the OP is talking about any type of toxic family, not just those who are mentally ill. Of course a person can be mentally ill and a wonderful, good person. And perfectly ‘sane’ people can just be hateful.
I think that the word toxic is appropriate when you are speaking of people who are purposely mean and hateful for no reason except to hurt you or gain power over your life.
I think that I have written several times on the forum that my mom once told my nine year old daughter, Abbie, that she would not go to heaven like her little sister, Sarah. Why did she say that? Because she was mean, plain and simple. She was just in a mean mood and had to hurt someone and my kids were simply close enough for her to take her hatefulness out on. Shortly after that, I stopped visiting her. She was poisonous to my kids mental well being, so I couldn’t let her around them.
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homewardbound
Guest
Yeah, I think I understand how they meant it.
I just needed an excuse to vent a little more I guess. Thank you
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deb1
Guest
You’re welcome. And I am sorry about the pain that your family is causing you.Yeah, I think I understand how they meant it.
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BlestOne
Guest
I wasn’t going to mention, But since you asked…
This was by far the worst Thanksgiving I think I have ever been through. On Wed afternoon I got an email that my ex BIL was admitted to ICU and wasn’t expected to recover. I called ex MIL and she cried and cried… I felt so bad… she can’t find my ex to let him know about his brother.
So then I get a phone call from dh’s ex’s new husband… they are running late bringing step dd to us. Then a couple hours later when they were supposed to be arriving, called back again to say that dh’s ex had to work late and they would drop the kid off tomorrow at 10 am. ERGGGGGG!!! Thanks for waiting until the last minute… not to mention it is all about their convenience not what is right for the kid or honoring promises. So the kid finally shows up at 11 am (we were leaving at 11:30 to go to his mothers). OK… I am stressed… MIL is hosting Thanksgiving but yet she wouldn’t speak to me about what to bring… I had to call SIL in another state to find out. So we got there about noon… Immediately I want to turn around and go home. FIL says hi, MIL ignores me, my kids, but makes a big huge show about hugging step dd. Then she asks about my oldest who wasn’t there. Within an hour we ate… but MIL never said a word to me during that hour. Food was ok… mind you not as good as my own. After dinner my BIL wasn’t getting enough attention so he had to play all 500 and some mp3’s he had on his cell phone. His daughter had to have SIL cut her hair at the dinner table and BIL was making SIL and DH play name that tune… we couldn’t even have a conversation because he was playing so loudly!!!
OK… After about 2 hours I had enough… BIL was annoying beyond belief… told his own dd that she didn’t need to be on Prozac and all the other drugs she is on… trust me, she needs them!!! I was trying to talk to her about college… I am so proud of her!!! She is really trying to get her life together! But I couldn’t because the more I tried the louder the mp3’s got…
So we left. Next day BIL (one who wasn’t there) was found dead at a gas station. MIL couldn’t get us right away so she called DH’s EX (this really annoys me) to have her call us and give us the news. We were all at mass and shut off our cell phones… sorry I don’t need to explain this to anyone!
In the mean time, somehow dh’s niece supposedly called and insulted the gf of the dead relative… in the middle of the night! We all camped out at Toys R Us to get a Wii (Yes we got one) and after being in the cold all night, I went homw and went to bed… Hour later boss calls… hour after that calls again… I get up and go into work until 3:45 and was I cranky…
So … How was your Holiday? (Next)
This was by far the worst Thanksgiving I think I have ever been through. On Wed afternoon I got an email that my ex BIL was admitted to ICU and wasn’t expected to recover. I called ex MIL and she cried and cried… I felt so bad… she can’t find my ex to let him know about his brother.
So then I get a phone call from dh’s ex’s new husband… they are running late bringing step dd to us. Then a couple hours later when they were supposed to be arriving, called back again to say that dh’s ex had to work late and they would drop the kid off tomorrow at 10 am. ERGGGGGG!!! Thanks for waiting until the last minute… not to mention it is all about their convenience not what is right for the kid or honoring promises. So the kid finally shows up at 11 am (we were leaving at 11:30 to go to his mothers). OK… I am stressed… MIL is hosting Thanksgiving but yet she wouldn’t speak to me about what to bring… I had to call SIL in another state to find out. So we got there about noon… Immediately I want to turn around and go home. FIL says hi, MIL ignores me, my kids, but makes a big huge show about hugging step dd. Then she asks about my oldest who wasn’t there. Within an hour we ate… but MIL never said a word to me during that hour. Food was ok… mind you not as good as my own. After dinner my BIL wasn’t getting enough attention so he had to play all 500 and some mp3’s he had on his cell phone. His daughter had to have SIL cut her hair at the dinner table and BIL was making SIL and DH play name that tune… we couldn’t even have a conversation because he was playing so loudly!!!
OK… After about 2 hours I had enough… BIL was annoying beyond belief… told his own dd that she didn’t need to be on Prozac and all the other drugs she is on… trust me, she needs them!!! I was trying to talk to her about college… I am so proud of her!!! She is really trying to get her life together! But I couldn’t because the more I tried the louder the mp3’s got…
So we left. Next day BIL (one who wasn’t there) was found dead at a gas station. MIL couldn’t get us right away so she called DH’s EX (this really annoys me) to have her call us and give us the news. We were all at mass and shut off our cell phones… sorry I don’t need to explain this to anyone!
In the mean time, somehow dh’s niece supposedly called and insulted the gf of the dead relative… in the middle of the night! We all camped out at Toys R Us to get a Wii (Yes we got one) and after being in the cold all night, I went homw and went to bed… Hour later boss calls… hour after that calls again… I get up and go into work until 3:45 and was I cranky…
So … How was your Holiday? (Next)
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DaveBj
Guest
Umm, you could say so. And Miss Bonnie would be the second one (after me) to say so.I take it having Miss Bonnie’s mother 800 miles away is a blessing?
Actually, that situation needs a lot of prayer. MiL/FiL both approaching 90, both almost deaf, FiL almost blind, neither one in that great shape mentally, and MiL really hates having to take care of FiL. It’s an unhappy situation all the way around. But MiL is a real manipulator, when she’s around people who aren’t onto her.
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