"Survived" the holidays with toxic relatives. You?

[katerisouthern]

I have a question along the same lines. What about family members who have patterns of using others (take take take and never give) that seem they don’t do it on purpose, but are completely oblivious to what they are doing? Should they be tolerated because they are ignorant? (I’ve tried to communicate my needs to them but they are so darned ignorant that it seems they are either mentally challenged, or that they have made a choice to see only their own needs.)

Whenever I spend time with these people, self-proclaimed “devout” Catholics no less, I honestly start to despair and lose my faith in the Church. It is hard to imagine the lifetime of Masses and retreats and marriage encounters, all the running off to “religious” events thrown by nuns be good for nothing more than the “formation” of another Catholic hypocrite.

I struggle with this so often… I was a convert in '99. I don’t see how you can have the Truth and truly be so blind. For me, it ends up in self-loathing as well, because I end up judging, hating, and being irritable to my poor innocent children.

We too had a ****** Thanksgiving. I’m totally dreading Christmas and there is probably no way out of it. I have tried to look at holidays as a sacrifice. Since it is supposed to be such a joyous time, I find that almost unbearably depressing. uch:

Sorry I have no advice to offer to the OP. But I have read this thread with interest and will continue to do so. God bless all of you!

 

[Giannawannabe]

I’m mentally ill and had to deal with my “healthy” family members putting me down all day saying I have no real problems and made it all up and that the psychology field is worthless and puts stupid ideas in people’s heads and bipolar and depression and all that doesn’t really exist. Oh and everything in my past(abuse committed by those outside of the family) was all my fault.

It goes both ways. Even people who aren’t ill or on or drinking…they can be worse than those who do have those problems. Cause they have no excuse for their ignorance and stupidity.

Sorry, I’m miffed at my family. They don’t even know it cause I barely said a word all day Thursday. sigh

homewardbound,
I’m sorry for your pain. At least you are seeking help for your mental health issues. I’m sorry to have clumped mentally ill people in with my definition of “toxic”. In my case, one relative has been diagnosed with a disorder, yet denies it and does nothing to seek help. Continues to just go on as usual, blaming everyone else for the havoc wrought by an untreated mental illness. It’s unfortunate that your family does not recognize your trying to get help. Prayers out to you.

 

[Giannawannabe]

BlestOne,
Yikes! That was a very bad holiday indeed. I am so sorry about your BIL. May his soul rest in peace. Prayers to you and yours.

 

[Giannawannabe]

Sorry about that, Giannawannabe. I have been on this forum almost three years and only have deleted items in my mail maybe three times. I just got read of older mail so if you want to PM me again that is all right. I also have my email on my blog profile.

I’ve done the same!

 

[Giannawannabe]

I have a question along the same lines. What about family members who have patterns of using others (take take take and never give) that seem they don’t do it on purpose, but are completely oblivious to what they are doing? Should they be tolerated because they are ignorant? (I’ve tried to communicate my needs to them but they are so darned ignorant that it seems they are either mentally challenged, or that they have made a choice to see only their own needs.)

Whenever I spend time with these people, self-proclaimed “devout” Catholics no less, I honestly start to despair and lose my faith in the Church. It is hard to imagine the lifetime of Masses and retreats and marriage encounters, all the running off to “religious” events thrown by nuns be good for nothing more than the “formation” of another Catholic hypocrite.

I struggle with this so often… I was a convert in '99. I don’t see how you can have the Truth and truly be so blind. For me, it ends up in self-loathing as well, because I end up judging, hating, and being irritable to my poor children.

We too had a ****** Thanksgiving. I’m totally dreading Christmas and there is probably no way out of it. I have tried to look at holidays as a sacrifice. Since it is supposed to be such a joyous time, I find that almost unbearably depressing. uch:

Sorry I have no advice to offer to the OP. But I have read this thread with interest and will continue to do so. God bless all of you!

I’m not sure what’s worse…people who are totally against religion or those who are more Catholic than the Pope! Sorry for your difficult holiday! Thanks for sharing.

 

[mercygate]

Yeah, I think I understand how they meant it. I just needed an excuse to vent a little more I guess. Thank you

If you are in treatment for your condition and it is working – I understand OCD responds fairly well to meds? – then your family is definitely the “problem”.

But in my family, aside from one person with some OCD-like rigidity, who stresses at holidays because it is often impossible to do it the “right” (i.e. “his”) way, the mentally ill relatives the OP and I are referring to are the narcissistic, impulsive substance abusers, who show up high on weed or amphetamines and drink themselves into screaming abusiveness, streaming four-oletter words, making sexual advances to anyone of either sex who strikes their fancy, calling the rest of us naive and immature, and then pass out.

We have a friend, who has been institutionalized 3 times and is now on HEAVY meds for schizophrenia, who has NEVER shown any odd behavior in our presence. NONE. Nada. She sounds more “sane” than your relatives who sneer at your faith.

 

[mercygate]

homewardbound,
I’m sorry for your pain. At least you are seeking help for your mental health issues. I’m sorry to have clumped mentally ill people in with my definition of “toxic”. In my case, one relative has been diagnosed with a disorder, yet denies it and does nothing to seek help. Continues to just go on as usual, blaming everyone else for the havoc wrought by an untreated mental illness. It’s unfortunate that your family does not recognize your trying to get help. Prayers out to you.

Coming together for social events requires certain behaviors. To be sure, it also requires a lot of tolerance because people DO get on one another’s nerves, even innocently. However, it is cruel to hold 15 people hostage to the violence of one who will not seek help.

In our case, for a while, we invited mentally ill, alcoholic, drug abusing SIL to come by herself to our tree-trimming. We exchanged gifts then and had a cheerful, private time in jeans & flannel shirts, with meatloaf, mashed potatoes, string beans and fresh homemade apple crisp served with apple cider (NO ALCOHOL). It worked for a few years, because she knows she’s trouble and understands on some level that the big family scene is more than she can handle. But 3 years ago, she erupted even at that sheltered event and excoriated her brother cruelly.

Since DH’s BP went up to 216/105 that time, there is no negotiating a reconciliation. As long as I am alive, and as long as there is no assurance of good behavior, I will not allow the two of them to be in the same place at the same time. Period. This is literally a life-and-death decision.

 

[BlestOne]

Wow reading these posts (including my own) is proof enough that there is a God huh? I mean really… we didn’t kill our bad relatives, yeah us!!!

We should all be celebrating the fact that we “Survived” yet another family gathering!

My ds1 called yesterday for an update about how everything went since he had to work and missed all the festivities. He asked me to make my stuffing and pies and have a real Thanksgiving for US… you know, the real family. I thought it was so sweet that ds wanted to spend time with his mommy and siblings… just not the others. Ya think he is getting it??? He laughed when I told him how they ignored his brother and sister but asked about him… then he said, “Awww mom, it’s OK… fatty1 and 2 are still loveable” (Nice siblings… they call each other fatty…) Actually, all in jest, I have never seen kids that get along so well at this age (I also never thought I would live long enough to see them get along). But seriously, all four of them get along better than I could have ever imagined. Even dd and step dd are getting along better than I ever dreamed they would.

 

[Sierrah]

I survived the holiday, but feel exhausted , angry, and frustrated. How is that 1 or 2 people can push all of my buttons in a matter of minutes/hours over the course of 1 day??? I pray, go to Confession, and prepare myself mentally for facing “certain” family members before seeing them. During the visit it seems I’m holding it together, but then I come home and decompress for several days! I’m irritable and impatient, and just want to be alone. If someone asked what exactly it was that got to me, i really couldn’t explain it! How can I deal with these people better? Help!

Don’t take them so seriously.

My mother used to get herself all upset every holiday by what the relatives said or didn’t say and what they did or didn’t do. Believe me it’s not worth it just let it go. Take it up as a Cross for Christ and pray for them. Overall though don’t take it seriously no matter how much they annoy you.

 

[Sailor_Kenshin]

I survived the holiday, but feel exhausted , angry, and frustrated. How is that 1 or 2 people can push all of my buttons in a matter of minutes/hours over the course of 1 day??? I pray, go to Confession, and prepare myself mentally for facing “certain” family members before seeing them. During the visit it seems I’m holding it together, but then I come home and decompress for several days! I’m irritable and impatient, and just want to be alone. If someone asked what exactly it was that got to me, i really couldn’t explain it! How can I deal with these people better? Help!

I don’t know, but I was in your situation. Now much of my family is gone, and I’d give almost anything to have them back, warts and all. I wish I had been able to ‘blow it off’ more easily instead of ducking and running.

The few people who are still with us make for a fun Thanksgiving. I believe it’s Satan who wants families to fall apart. Why not make up your mind to thwart him?

 

[SusanWMS]

Hello, I’m new.

Both my husband and I struggle with the same dread when it comes to his sister. I can go on and on with the stories of hurt feelings but I would only be doing what she does when we are around her… bringing up the past.

What I have noticed during our family gatherings, is the tolerance we have for her while she is spewing out her venom. Thanks be to God for His grace. It is only after the fact, while I am thinking of the comments she made the night before that I get angry.

This can overwhelm me at times. However, what I have been doing lately to combat this is to pray to the Holy Family for their help.

JESUS, MARY AND JOSEPH, PLEASE SAVE MY SISTER-N-LAW AND HELP ME WITH MY RESENTMENT THAT I HAVE FOR HER.

Truth is, I do love her, I just don’t like her at times. Okay, most of the time. But I do care for her enough to see her in Heaven. Our Lord put us together for a reason.

Take care all of you and Merry Christmas.

 

[Giannawannabe]

Hello, I’m new.

Both my husband and I struggle with the same dread when it comes to his sister. I can go on and on with the stories of hurt feelings but I would only be doing what she does when we are around her… bringing up the past.

What I have noticed during our family gatherings, is the tolerance we have for her while she is spewing out her venom. Thanks be to God for His grace. It is only after the fact, while I am thinking of the comments she made the night before that I get angry.

This can overwhelm me at times. However, what I have been doing lately to combat this is to pray to the Holy Family for their help.

JESUS, MARY AND JOSEPH, PLEASE SAVE MY SISTER-N-LAW AND HELP ME WITH MY RESENTMENT THAT I HAVE FOR HER.

Truth is, I do love her, I just don’t like her at times. Okay, most of the time. But I do care for her enough to see her in Heaven. Our Lord put us together for a reason.

Take care all of you and Merry Christmas.

Welcome to the forums! I am with you. I spend all my time at the functions trying to maintain my composure. Then, the fall out afterwards is what gets me down. I have decided to do what you suggested. Every time I get worked up, I send up prayers for those relatives. Truly, they are such unhappy individuals. It’s sad. I do want them to go to Heaven. So, thank you for your response. Merry Christmas to you! I hope it is a wonderful and blessed one.

 

[Giannawannabe]

Don’t take them so seriously.

My mother used to get herself all upset every holiday by what the relatives said or didn’t say and what they did or didn’t do. Believe me it’s not worth it just let it go. Take it up as a Cross for Christ and pray for them. Overall though don’t take it seriously no matter how much they annoy you.

:thumbsup:Good advice!

 

[Giannawannabe]

I don’t know, but I was in your situation. Now much of my family is gone, and I’d give almost anything to have them back, warts and all. I wish I had been able to ‘blow it off’ more easily instead of ducking and running.

The few people who are still with us make for a fun Thanksgiving. I believe it’s Satan who wants families to fall apart. Why not make up your mind to thwart him?

“blowing it off” is very hard for me! I wish I could do that more gracefully. Thanks for your response.

 

[SusanWMS]

Simply living out your faith is enough for them to keep needling you. Through my faith, I brought into this world a beautiful baby under what the world would say 'undesireable circumstances". My marriage underwent a trail that simply most marriages wouldn’t survive. It was faith and love that was the glue to hold it together. This has to be convicting to those who have been faced with similar trials but turned their back on the Lord’s help.

The book “Full of Grace” written by Johnnette Benkovic, stresses how important forgiveness is. She said that if you don’t have the desire to forgive, then ask for the desire to have the desire to forgive. This is something you may have to do everyday until you have that desire. And just when you think you’re there, here comes another family gathering! It’s a cross no doubt; but there is good work going on if you allow our Lord to use you. You’ll notice His grace when you’re in the lion’s den. You’ll be glad that you didn’t hiss when hissed at.

Take care friend and thanks for the warm welcome.

 

[catholic79]

Hi Giannawannabe

We don’t even try to survive the family party any more because,
the Christmas the year my brother died my Grandmother asked us not to come to the family Christmas party because we would just be to sad and bring everyone down, plus we were only still sad in an attempt for attention!

Family is family forever but that doesn’t mean you have to put yourself in a toxic environment.