Suspect online affair

[maryjk]

I think you’re getting into the weeds here. He doesn’t give a rip about anything else on the computer. He is only interested in his wife cheating on him. Their marriage might be in the process of dissolving - do you think he should care more about what he did to get the information than the fact that his wife is cheating on him? He can go to confession for that. Confession ain’t gonna keep his marriage together when his wife is cheating on him. She’s done this twice already.

And he needs to address the fact that she has cheated on him twice. Obviously there is a problem. A big one. But he didn’t ask about that.

He asked this:

I found this out by getting into my wife’s work computer. I found her password and logged in without her knowing. Was this wrong on my part? If so, why?

My answer was, yes, this was wrong. Why? Because the end does not justify the means.

Maryjk, I think as what another poster said, it is one thing to be an honest person and another person to be a** fool**. He already has been fooled 2 years ago and I don’t think the OP went on her computer to check work information regarding money.

If you think something is wrong , it would be so stupid to turn a blind eye. He has every right to check what is going on because they are married.

I just suggest you stop blaming the OP because he is the victim here. He shouldnt feel guilty in any way.

If you were in his shoes, would you have just turned a blind eye and discard all the possibilities in saving your marriage? WOuld you tolerate such things and give all your trust despite the deceptions your spouse has made? If your answer is yes… then I could say you are a fool.

Again, the OP asked if what he did was wrong. Yes, it was. Simply because you suspect your spouse of cheating doesn’t give you the right to anything you want.

Let’s look at it another way. What if he thought she was cheating, but she wasn’t? What if he searched for and found her password, looked at the information on the computer and found…nothing?

Would you still think what he did was right?

 

[TheRealJuliane]

And he needs to address the fact that she has cheated on him twice. Obviously there is a problem. A big one. But he didn’t ask about that.

He asked this:

My answer was, yes, this was wrong. Why? Because the end does not justify the means.

Again, the OP asked if what he did was wrong. Yes, it was. Simply because you suspect your spouse of cheating doesn’t give you the right to anything you want.

Let’s look at it another way. What if he thought she was cheating, but she wasn’t? What if he searched for and found her password, looked at the information on the computer and found…nothing?

Would you still think what he did was right?

No one here has said that what he did was right. It was, IMO, justified under the circumstances, but he will need to take it to confession and talk to the priest. He had a previous experience with something, his intuition was that something was going on again, he followed up and found that there was something going on.

Instead of hiring a detective, he did some investigation himself. I don’t think he did anything wrong, but I will leave that to his confessor.

If he took work information OFF her computer and blackmailed her with it, then he’d have gone too far. But that’s not the situation.

Forget his original question, he’s told us more since the first post.

 

[maryjk]

No one here has said that what he did was right.

Yeah, I really don’t see the issue with looking at her computer. You become one flesh at marriage and that doesn’t leave room for his an hers “privacy”.

I don’t think it was wrong because you had a suspicion and you were right. Also, how do you know it was only an online affair?

People will have differing opinions, but mine is that when health and even life are at stake, this ends does justify this means. Absolutely no harm was done to any work information. He didn’t look at the work information. He looked strictly at the information that pertained to his marriage, his health, and his life.

Vojoe,

No, you were not wrong – I know some will not like this but those that are saying that you did something wrong and should pretend that you do not know; have no idea what you are going through!

WRONG !!! When you are married. You are one flesh ! There shouldn’t be any secrets. Facebook and email should be open to both parties.

Actually, many people thought he did the right thing. As Catholics, we should correct those people.

And yes, he has told us more since the original post. But somehow I am still here having to defend the Church’s position that the end does not justify the means. Crazy isn’t it.

 

[Mayita30]

Sure the end does not justify the means. But here is the thing, this is where we don´t agree, a lot of people think that there is nothing wrong with the means. You may call it snooping, I am calling it checking with the intention of saving the marriage. I guess it all boils down to your intentions. Since this guy has been cheated on 2 years ago, the least thing a wife could is that she should be open about everything.

 

[Bill_7154]

Thought I would quote this post again, the OP said he has talked to his wife and she is repentant, but that does not mean that he has any obligation to trust her immediately.

I still recommend marriage counseling, as well as speaking to a priest.

I know nothing (except what was posted here) about his wife, but let’s face it… she isn’t going to ‘brag’ about it when confronted. She went to confession, good. But in the grand scheme of things this isn’t much at all.

You have no reason to trust your wife now with respect to online affairs and should not assume she has stopped, of if she has stopped you should not assume she has stopped for good and put this behind her. Actions (over time) are necessary in order to assess if your able to trust her. Trust must be re-established as it does not exist now IMO. If it does the husband is fooling himself IMO.

It will take time and work on both your parts to fix your marriage, and a serious committment on both your parts as well. If she isn’t willing to open up about the details around why she did this in the first place, how things lead up to this, what was going on with her/you/your marriage that lead her to take step after step after step that eventually lead up to this while being married to you then something is missing.

For something like this you can’t just say “i’m sorry, I won’t do it anymore”, this is serious. It’s not like she bumped into a high school boyfriend and had a 5 min convo, no flirting,no feelings, and didn’t tell you about it. You need to hear what she felt she was missing as why she did this. You need to SEE she is truely sorry based on her behavior over the coming MONTHS. Does she go the extra mile with different things now and in the coming weeks at least as she is feeling honestly guilty? Or is she faking guilt? How can you know for sure?

Do you know for sure there was no real life affair, or know for sure that things were not headed that way and the only reason it didn’t lead to a real life affair YET is because you caught her red handed. Of course she is going to say she’s sorry, etc, etc. What is she going to say "f you, you have a tiny wee wee and I want to swing with this guy and have crazy sex in public places and have been fantasizing about doing so for the past 5 months?

Her doing this was an ongoing lie. Marriage couseling might be a good thing. But I wouldn’t ‘trust’ her at this point. She would have to earn my trust again as I would not know who she was anymore if she were my wife. Sorry to sound harsh, I just don’t want to see you get hurt anymore than you already have been. That is the sole reason I am saying all of this.

And this was with a CO-WORKER, not some random guy she met online at some sex flirting website where he lived in another country for all she knew. This makes it a significantly more serious problem and significantly more likely that this would have eventually lead to a real life affair if not caught (and still might).

I don’t want to see you hurt anymore than you already are so I am being intentionally harsh as you should have your guard up now IMO and you both need to seriously addressing whatever underlying issues exist for her/the both of you in order to remedy the situation and re-establish trust and this will take months, several months at least IMO.

God Bless,
Bill

 

[pnewton]

I may be in the minority, but I do not believe the OP did one thing wrong. The quote from the CCC is specifically in the context of society, not marriage. In marriage, the two are one flesh. Keeping secrets from each other leads to… , well, things like were found on this computer. On the other hand, one should never need to sneak. One flesh also means total honesty is due to the wife about what was found.

I think the modern age of separte bank accounts, separate comupter accounts and right to privacy makes infidelity easier and more attractive.

 

[vojoe]

I found out my wife has talked to this guy again. The conversation with him has been about how things are getting better in our marriage. I do not like that my wife is even talking to this guy given their past conversations. Should I confront my wife about this?

 

[Soren_Itenu]

Yes. Do it today.

She should sever all contact with this man at once.

 

[The_Bucket]

Yes. That she’s not sending pictures this time is irrelevant. The fact that she has ANY contact with him whatsoever shows that she has an emotional investment.

Arguing otherwise would be like arguing it’s OK if she stayed in touch with someone with whom she had a physical affair. Even if they just talk about the weather it’s still a betrayal.

 

[mcc804]

I really think you (and ultimately both of you together) should make an appointment to talk to a priest. The fact is, she has already crossed the moral line here … even if it was never physical. Since she works with this man, this could very well be an occasion of sin for her. If she’s truly repentant she should be willing to do whatever it takes to begin restoring your trust in her and rebuilding your marriage, even if that means quitting her job.

 

[Sillara]

I found out my wife has talked to this guy again. The conversation with him has been about how things are getting better in our marriage. I do not like that my wife is even talking to this guy given their past conversations. Should I confront my wife about this?

Yes, yes, and yes.

Lies are absolutely unacceptable in marriage. There should be no lies; there should be no secrets. And she is keeping this man a secret and lying about him. She is deceiving you, her husband, for the sake of this man.

There is no man on earth for whom I would deceive my husband. If my husband felt uncomfortable about any interaction with any particular man–leave alone one he had cause to dislike because of infidelity on my part!!!–I would not have any contact with him.

Confront your wife. As an earlier poster mentioned, she should be willing to do anything to regain your trust, including quitting her job.

 

[Oh_Charlotte]

My wife had an online affair with a co-worker. They exchanged pictures of each other(my wife sent some scantily clad pics of herself). I found this out by getting into my wife’s work computer. I found her password and logged in without her knowing. Was this wrong on my part? If so, why?

Seems quite possible you did it because a part of you felt something was not quite right with your marriage, and that asking directly was not going to get you an answer. I think in this case that mitigates the wrong - you were looking after your own affairs - your marriage! But ask a priest that one. This is the type of moral dilemma they are trained in and will have the best counsel for you on the matter.

I never was nosy about my ex (20 year marriage) and in fact always tried to put a positive spin on all he did and “act as if” he were all the fine things he said he was… That was not so wise, I see in hindsight: it was a way of denying reality.

I strongly felt it was my Guardian Angel who led me to check my mail before bed, even though I was tired, but it was on - a blue glow from that room, as my husband watched TV in an adjoining room. But the screen was one I didn’t recognize. My ex and I shared email, but this was his work email. Tons of letters on that page, to women I knew. Well he was not communicating with me, though I tried so hard to be available and communicative, and I decided to read in order to understand what was going on in my husband’s mind. So i could better serve our marriage.

I immediately saw that he was flirting, but was completely shocked when reading revealed that one particular flirtation had developed into a full-fledged affair. I read all night, as my current reality and my future unfolded shockingly before me. The months of deceit, bragging about stories he told me when he left for his weekends with her, the disrespect, the lies, and the plans to secretly surprise me with divorce. He’d seen a lawyer. This was how I was to find out! I never suspected him capable of affair, or divorce. So the Lord spared me my stumbling upon it when I was far too trusting to look for such evidence. Since he planned to declare me crazy and take our son to live with her in the next state, it was imperative I find a good lawyer and start some of my own defensive planning.

If I had been surprised by the divorce, the affair would have been kept secret. How confusing that woudl have been! But even if I found out the secret I would have minimized it and read books on saving the marriage, and my ex would have played along with my hope (as he clearly had been) to his own advantage, and my disadvantage. The Lord spared me by having me see the whole truth so I could not possibly fill in the blanks with something more positive and minimal, which is exactly what I would have done.

Well, that’s my story and its been some years and I have moved on from the frightful years that followed that discovery and the Lord has healed me of that trauma and He has been endlessly good to me. I am not thinking your story is the same, but I just thought you might want to know someone else has sort of been there and made it through. I hope you have a happier ending than I did (I am happy now though!).

God bless you. He is with those whose hearts are breaking.

 

[jimmybeth]

I hope you read this.
Here is what happened to me. There is so much to tell you. First of all if you can contact
S-Anon.org, it took me a year to find them. Please just get in contact with someone there and tell your story. Your eyes will be opened. The reason I know it is what it is because I lived it and nobody can tell you what you need to know unless they have gone through it.
If you are skeptical it is an international program that leads many people to the catholic faith. But if offers hope and superior needed help for those who have been hurt by another s sexual behavior. It is the reaction that your wife had to your simple inquiry to the text. What she did is called redirection or deflection, and she acted like a child who just got caught stealing. That kind of behavior shows an explicit type of behavior that can be found in a person who is emotionally immature, definitely perfectly educated but acting like a 10 year old emotionally.
You will find the answers you are looking for. I am catholic and am in the Deaconate program and boy do I have a whopper of a story to tell to you. You can email me at detroitsanon@gmail.com or anyone else who thinks they need help. I know I have been vague but the brain plays tricks on you in the state you may be in. I know you will research what I said and will get back to me only on your terms. This is only a suggestion