V
Virga
Guest
Hi all,
I need your opinions on how to approach a situation in the family and prayers. I haven’t been able to sleep for a while, so sorry if my thoughts aren’t very organized. It’s a long post.
First some background info:
I’m sensitive to signs of possible child abuse or crossed-boundaries, though I would never state I know for sure 100% based on these signs… I’ve made poor decisions before, by sharing with my family my suspicions and hoping they would either keep an eye out or at least take my thoughts seriously. Most of the time, they balked at the idea or even if they agreed something was weird, that it wasn’t up to us to say too much.
For example, one time, I brought up the fact that one of my BIL would occasionally stroke his 14-15 year old step-daughter’s thigh and things of the like. He would even do it with my family present when no one seemed to be looking. Their solution was to tell my niece that she should understand it wasn’t appropriate and to keep the boundaries… They didn’t say anything to her mom or step-dad. No report. I admit how unfair and unjust that is to my niece to have her go through it alone and what a poor decision that was.
My point is my family does not respond well to these things… My dad was even angry and frustrated at another sister for calling 911 when her husband threw her on the bed several times while having an argument [he has a history of abusing her, strangling, punching, pushing off stairs].
Now for the current situation… My sister and BIL [different from the one I mentioned earlier] have 5 kids. Four of the kids are now between 3 to 10 years old. They act out in a lot of ways, though it’s not surprising. Their mom would constantly berate the children, particularly the girls, for almost everything. The father would also constantly criticize the oldest girl who is 15 [she still receives corporal punishment], and he is especially harsh and mean towards the two younger boys. He’s also dragged my sister --his wife and tried to push her head under a bathtub faucet while turning on the water before, though I haven’t heard of anything lately. He is especially rough with the kids, but not enough that I felt I should call CPS yet…
To the point now, I’ve had suspicions about a friend of my sister and her husband. Let’s call the friend Ron. Ron’s been helping them for years watching their kids, but about 3 years ago --though I’ve tried to convince myself otherwise, I’ve had growing suspicions that he may be preying on my nieces and nephews.
Ron would always offer to watch the kids, to bathe them, to do the family laundry, to take the kids out, to buy them gifts. Now I tried to think to myself he’s a nice guy for wanting to help the kids out when they have such difficult parents, but I felt it was too much for him to bathe my niece who was 7-8 at the time.
I mentioned the strangeness of it all to my family. They thought it was a little unusual too and even joked about how weird it was that Ron always did the bathed the kids and even my sister’s laundry. But they said he was probably lonely since he never seemed to have a girlfriend. Ron used to be interested in my sister, let’s call him Lynn [a different sister from the one he’s helping], and he mentioned he felt attracted to her since she was in middle school, which means he was in his 20’s at the time. My sister Lynn and dad told me. A few years ago, Lynn was currently dating BIL when Ron tried to date her. During that time there was an incident in which he made Lynn’s daughter cry, but Lynn said her daughter wouldn’t say what it was.
Anyway, currently, Ron seemed to stop coming over to bathe them. Nowadays, he still occasionally take the kids out, except he doesn’t take the boys or my oldest niece anymore or at least rarely. The boys have become very difficult and rude. He doesn’t seem to buy them toys much anymore either though he may for the younger girls.
However, he takes my 10 year old niece around a lot. Let’s call her Charity. Yesterday, Charity went to play tennis with her mom and Ron in the early morning, but the thing is she always goes to his house afterwards. She spent the whole day there. And she does this often. I used to think it would be obvious why she wouldn’t want to be home, even if the only thing they do at Ron’s house is watch TV.
But two nights ago, my suspicions came back when he visited our home. My sister and her family are currently living with us [My BIL had chemo/radiation for throat cancer]. Anyway at one point Charity was sitting on a chair, and Ron walks over and basically sits on her and leans on her. I wasn’t sure how to react… My sister and BIL didn’t blink an eye. She started turning her body away and so was laying horizontally on the chair and Ron started rubbing/stroking her back, while he was on top of her. I couldn’t tell if Charity was uncomfortable or not, but she didn’t seem happy either. They were in this position for at least 10 minutes, but then I left for a bit. When I came back 5-10 minutes later they were gone. I’m not sure if Ron went home. I couldn’t help but recognize this as a sort of grooming tactic, where he would make it seem innocent and at the same time make my niece feel nothing was off about what he was doing since other people were arround. I would never make an assumption based on a single sign, but there are too many little things that just jump out at me.
I’m not sure if I should have said something then, but one thing holding me back was that I didn’t want to say something in front of my sister and BIL. They love him for taking care of their kids so often. And aside from what I’m afraid of, he really does seem awesome for being able to devote so much time to helping out the family.
Continued below
I need your opinions on how to approach a situation in the family and prayers. I haven’t been able to sleep for a while, so sorry if my thoughts aren’t very organized. It’s a long post.
First some background info:
I’m sensitive to signs of possible child abuse or crossed-boundaries, though I would never state I know for sure 100% based on these signs… I’ve made poor decisions before, by sharing with my family my suspicions and hoping they would either keep an eye out or at least take my thoughts seriously. Most of the time, they balked at the idea or even if they agreed something was weird, that it wasn’t up to us to say too much.
For example, one time, I brought up the fact that one of my BIL would occasionally stroke his 14-15 year old step-daughter’s thigh and things of the like. He would even do it with my family present when no one seemed to be looking. Their solution was to tell my niece that she should understand it wasn’t appropriate and to keep the boundaries… They didn’t say anything to her mom or step-dad. No report. I admit how unfair and unjust that is to my niece to have her go through it alone and what a poor decision that was.
My point is my family does not respond well to these things… My dad was even angry and frustrated at another sister for calling 911 when her husband threw her on the bed several times while having an argument [he has a history of abusing her, strangling, punching, pushing off stairs].
Now for the current situation… My sister and BIL [different from the one I mentioned earlier] have 5 kids. Four of the kids are now between 3 to 10 years old. They act out in a lot of ways, though it’s not surprising. Their mom would constantly berate the children, particularly the girls, for almost everything. The father would also constantly criticize the oldest girl who is 15 [she still receives corporal punishment], and he is especially harsh and mean towards the two younger boys. He’s also dragged my sister --his wife and tried to push her head under a bathtub faucet while turning on the water before, though I haven’t heard of anything lately. He is especially rough with the kids, but not enough that I felt I should call CPS yet…
To the point now, I’ve had suspicions about a friend of my sister and her husband. Let’s call the friend Ron. Ron’s been helping them for years watching their kids, but about 3 years ago --though I’ve tried to convince myself otherwise, I’ve had growing suspicions that he may be preying on my nieces and nephews.
Ron would always offer to watch the kids, to bathe them, to do the family laundry, to take the kids out, to buy them gifts. Now I tried to think to myself he’s a nice guy for wanting to help the kids out when they have such difficult parents, but I felt it was too much for him to bathe my niece who was 7-8 at the time.
I mentioned the strangeness of it all to my family. They thought it was a little unusual too and even joked about how weird it was that Ron always did the bathed the kids and even my sister’s laundry. But they said he was probably lonely since he never seemed to have a girlfriend. Ron used to be interested in my sister, let’s call him Lynn [a different sister from the one he’s helping], and he mentioned he felt attracted to her since she was in middle school, which means he was in his 20’s at the time. My sister Lynn and dad told me. A few years ago, Lynn was currently dating BIL when Ron tried to date her. During that time there was an incident in which he made Lynn’s daughter cry, but Lynn said her daughter wouldn’t say what it was.
Anyway, currently, Ron seemed to stop coming over to bathe them. Nowadays, he still occasionally take the kids out, except he doesn’t take the boys or my oldest niece anymore or at least rarely. The boys have become very difficult and rude. He doesn’t seem to buy them toys much anymore either though he may for the younger girls.
However, he takes my 10 year old niece around a lot. Let’s call her Charity. Yesterday, Charity went to play tennis with her mom and Ron in the early morning, but the thing is she always goes to his house afterwards. She spent the whole day there. And she does this often. I used to think it would be obvious why she wouldn’t want to be home, even if the only thing they do at Ron’s house is watch TV.
But two nights ago, my suspicions came back when he visited our home. My sister and her family are currently living with us [My BIL had chemo/radiation for throat cancer]. Anyway at one point Charity was sitting on a chair, and Ron walks over and basically sits on her and leans on her. I wasn’t sure how to react… My sister and BIL didn’t blink an eye. She started turning her body away and so was laying horizontally on the chair and Ron started rubbing/stroking her back, while he was on top of her. I couldn’t tell if Charity was uncomfortable or not, but she didn’t seem happy either. They were in this position for at least 10 minutes, but then I left for a bit. When I came back 5-10 minutes later they were gone. I’m not sure if Ron went home. I couldn’t help but recognize this as a sort of grooming tactic, where he would make it seem innocent and at the same time make my niece feel nothing was off about what he was doing since other people were arround. I would never make an assumption based on a single sign, but there are too many little things that just jump out at me.
I’m not sure if I should have said something then, but one thing holding me back was that I didn’t want to say something in front of my sister and BIL. They love him for taking care of their kids so often. And aside from what I’m afraid of, he really does seem awesome for being able to devote so much time to helping out the family.
Continued below