Suspicion and mistrust - a few issues that stress me out

[anonymous1995]

I love sharing my recent updates with my close friends, but my writings are often too long although I really try my best reducing the word count. Over time, messages on Whatsapp or Facebook Messenger accumulate forming long laundry lists, and I feel very guilty of giving trouble to my friends. Sometimes I do wonder why I discover so much beauty in every trivial detail in my daily life, when many people fail to appreciate so. Most people seem to be reluctant in sharing their encounters when I’m perhaps the only one very willing to know every aspect of their lives.

I began my spiritual direction in late April and it would be likely a regular bi-monthly meeting - I think the frequency is appropriate. From time to time, however, I might update my spiritual director on Facebook by condensing my thoughts into long, compact messages. Although I am sure he reads my messages, I feel so guilty of giving him extra burden by arranging spiritual direction and intruding his pastoral ministry. By ‘intruding his pastoral ministry’ I mean this: I do not belong to his parish, and, baptized as an adult Catholic, I obviously do not have a Catholic family which actively engages in parish activities. I came to know this young, newly ordained priest only through Facebook when he assumed his role as the spiritual director of my college’s Catholic Society. I do hope to let him know me more, but at the same time I am afraid he would regard me a bizarre person and ignore me. I even suspected if he were only immersing himself in a small club of righteous parishioners whom he knows well. Then I feel so unworthy of reaching out to such a pious man as I am a big sinner. I also feel I am very poor in socializing (which is contrary to the fact though receive very few likes for my Facebook posts but that’s nonsense).

One day, while walking past the notice board of the church, I read the financial statement which included stipends for priests. Then I started to be skeptical of how priests spend their pocket money. I was even skeptical of

How should my insecurity, lack of confidence, mistrust and excessive suspicion be cured?

N.B. The above is perhaps the best example of how long my typical Facebook message looks like.

 

[ConfusedLucy]

Have you tried typing it out and editing? Kind of like if you had an essay with a strict upper word limit. Maybe try to limit how many points you make at once.

 

[Bonnie]

One day, while walking past the notice board of the church, I read the financial statement which included stipends for priests. Then I started to be skeptical of how priests spend their pocket money. I was even skeptical of

Why is this even your business?

You sound very self-absorbed. I found myself skipping words as I tried to read your post.

 

[pianistclare]

Why is this even your business?

You sound very self-absorbed. I found myself skipping words as I tried to read your post.

Agreed.
But for as to how they spend their money.
the Archdiocesan priests here:

1. buy their own vehicles and pay their own car insurance, although they do get a “fleet” rate form the provider
2. they provide for their own retirement
3. they buy their own clothes
4. they do get a food allowance
5. they travel at their own expense to other Ordinations, or Continuing Ed things, or vacations
6. their base salary goes by years in, and starts really low. The maximum is also, fairly low.
7. If you ever want to give a priest a practical gift, gasoline cards are always appreciated, as they put a lot of miles on their vehicles ministering to people.

For the most part, they seldom have any time for anything else, being on call 24-07.

 

[jaimeleglise]

I think it is fine that he directs you even though you are not from his parish.
I would keep my posts concise because priests are very busy and you don’t want to wear out your welcome. Just the essentials related to your spiritual life.

 

[wllmjoseph]

One day, while walking past the notice board of the church, I read the financial statement which included stipends for priests. Then I started to be skeptical of how priests spend their pocket money. I was even skeptical of

How should my insecurity, lack of confidence, mistrust and excessive suspicion be cured?

I understand that you were able to read the parish financial statements that included the parish priests stipends. You have no way of knowing what their expenses are or for that matter how they are spending their parish stipend. I have known parish priests who had family or friends that were in need whom they were helping. Who is to stay what they are spending their stipend on?

 

[Rosebud77]

I love sharing my recent updates with my close friends, but my writings are often too long although I really try my best reducing the word count. Over time, messages on Whatsapp or Facebook Messenger accumulate forming long laundry lists, and I feel very guilty of giving trouble to my friends. Sometimes I do wonder why I discover so much beauty in every trivial detail in my daily life, when many people fail to appreciate so. Most people seem to be reluctant in sharing their encounters when I’m perhaps the only one very willing to know every aspect of their lives.

I began my spiritual direction in late April and it would be likely a regular bi-monthly meeting - I think the frequency is appropriate. From time to time, however, I might update my spiritual director on Facebook by condensing my thoughts into long, compact messages. Although I am sure he reads my messages, I feel so guilty of giving him extra burden by arranging spiritual direction and intruding his pastoral ministry. By ‘intruding his pastoral ministry’ I mean this: I do not belong to his parish, and, baptized as an adult Catholic, I obviously do not have a Catholic family which actively engages in parish activities. I came to know this young, newly ordained priest only through Facebook when he assumed his role as the spiritual director of my college’s Catholic Society. I do hope to let him know me more, but at the same time I am afraid he would regard me a bizarre person and ignore me. I even suspected if he were only immersing himself in a small club of righteous parishioners whom he knows well. Then I feel so unworthy of reaching out to such a pious man as I am a big sinner. I also feel I am very poor in socializing (which is contrary to the fact though receive very few likes for my Facebook posts but that’s nonsense).

One day, while walking past the notice board of the church, I read the financial statement which included stipends for priests. Then I started to be skeptical of how priests spend their pocket money. I was even skeptical of

How should my insecurity, lack of confidence, mistrust and excessive suspicion be cured?

N.B. The above is perhaps the best example of how long my typical Facebook message looks like.

Have you thought about dropping Facebook for a while? it is a very artificial and time consuming place to be and very superficial. Stay here and chat. Much healthier and more focussed

 

[Irishmom2]

OP, it sounds to me like you may have some boundary issues.

You write about things that aren’t your business, and perhaps say too much about lots of things, by your own description. I agree that maybe you need to take a break from FaceBook. Maybe what you think is important to you is not as important to others.

And as for your spiritual director, I am not sure he needs to read lengthy writings from you so that he can get to know you. Let him lead you, not the other way around.

It sounds a little like you need to be patient and let people get to know you in real time, not through your internet writings.

 

[UpUpAndAway]

Being in a somewhat similar situation to yours vis-à-vis my spiritual director (not in his parish, no family active in his parish, etc.), I can address some of what you’re experiencing.

Note that I am not now nor have I ever been on Facebook, but from what you have said I concur with others: it might be time to take a total break from Facebook, reduce the amount of time you spend on social media, and/or rethink the way you use the site’s features.

I began my spiritual direction in late April and it would be likely a regular bi-monthly meeting - I think the frequency is appropriate.

I don’t understand “would be likely”. Frequency of meetings is usually one of the first things determined in direction.

From time to time, however, I might update my spiritual director on Facebook by condensing my thoughts into long, compact messages. …] I am sure he reads my messages

It sounds like your SD doesn’t respond to your Facebook messages. What is the purpose of these updates if not to obtain his point of view on them? Such thoughts could be valuable in directing you and would therefore probably be more fruitfully expressed during your face-to-face appointments rather than randomly between them. Your SD may not remember what you said in a message several weeks earlier, especially if he is also guiding other people.

…]I feel so guilty of giving him extra burden by arranging spiritual direction and intruding his pastoral ministry. By ‘intruding his pastoral ministry’ I mean this: I do not belong to his parish, and, baptized as an adult Catholic, I obviously do not have a Catholic family which actively engages in parish activities.

Spiritual direction is not a burden to the director. Many priests have told me of their joy in accompanying someone eagerly seeking holiness and a closer relationship with the Lord, despite the other substantial demands on their time.

The points you cite—not belonging to his parish, not having Catholic relatives, not having family active in his parish—are irrelevant. The majority of people I know who are in spiritual direction obtain this counsel outside their parishes.

I do hope to let him know me more, but at the same time I am afraid he would regard me a bizarre person and ignore me.

Your SD is there to help you, but he can only do so if you’re completely honest with him. If you’re too afraid to tell him absolutely everything relative to your spiritual journey, any advice he gives you might not be appropriate for your situation and could indeed be counterproductive. In either instance, the effort runs the risk of being a waste of time for you both.

I even suspected if he were only immersing himself in a small club of righteous parishioners whom he knows well.

Persisting in these speculations serves no useful purpose.

Then I feel so unworthy of reaching out to such a pious man as I am a big sinner.

A major objective of spiritual direction is to overcome sin in the directed person’s life. If you are reluctant to discuss your sinful tendencies with your SD, it will be difficult to progress spiritually even with the best of SDs.

I also feel I am very poor in socializing

Irrelevant. Spiritual direction is not a social occasion.

One day, while walking past the notice board of the church, I read the financial statement which included stipends for priests. Then I started to be skeptical of how priests spend their pocket money.

Irrelevant. Again, persisting in these speculations serves no useful purpose.

How should my insecurity, lack of confidence, mistrust and excessive suspicion be cured?

In your place, I would discuss these preoccupations with my SD. If this is a problem that bleeds over into other areas of your life, professional medical assistance may be in order.

I don’t know what your objectives are in seeking spiritual direction, nor do I need for you to tell me. I will, however, pray that you overcome these issues in order to find and obtain whatever you’re looking for. God bless.

Recommended reading: by Dan Burke with Fr. John Bartunek, LC, STLNavigating the Interior Life: Spiritual Direction and the Journey to God

 

[anonymous1995]

Being in a somewhat similar situation to yours vis-à-vis my spiritual director (not in his parish, no family active in his parish, etc.), I can address some of what you’re experiencing.

Note that I am not now nor have I ever been on Facebook, but from what you have said I concur with others: it might be time to take a total break from Facebook, reduce the amount of time you spend on social media, and/or rethink the way you use the site’s features.

I don’t understand “would be likely”. Frequency of meetings is usually one of the first things determined in direction.

It sounds like your SD doesn’t respond to your Facebook messages. What is the purpose of these updates if not to obtain his point of view on them? Such thoughts could be valuable in directing you and would therefore probably be more fruitfully expressed during your face-to-face appointments rather than randomly between them. Your SD may not remember what you said in a message several weeks earlier, especially if he is also guiding other people.

Spiritual direction is not a burden to the director. Many priests have told me of their joy in accompanying someone eagerly seeking holiness and a closer relationship with the Lord, despite the other substantial demands on their time.

The points you cite—not belonging to his parish, not having Catholic relatives, not having family active in his parish—are irrelevant. The majority of people I know who are in spiritual direction obtain this counsel outside their parishes.

Your SD is there to help you, but he can only do so if you’re completely honest with him. If you’re too afraid to tell him absolutely everything relative to your spiritual journey, any advice he gives you might not be appropriate for your situation and could indeed be counterproductive. In either instance, the effort runs the risk of being a waste of time for you both.

Persisting in these speculations serves no useful purpose.

A major objective of spiritual direction is to overcome sin in the directed person’s life. If you are reluctant to discuss your sinful tendencies with your SD, it will be difficult to progress spiritually even with the best of SDs.

Irrelevant. Spiritual direction is not a social occasion.

Irrelevant. Again, persisting in these speculations serves no useful purpose.

In your place, I would discuss these preoccupations with my SD. If this is a problem that bleeds over into other areas of your life, professional medical assistance may be in order.

I don’t know what your objectives are in seeking spiritual direction, nor do I need for you to tell me. I will, however, pray that you overcome these issues in order to find and obtain whatever you’re looking for. God bless.

Recommended reading: Navigating the Interior Life: Spiritual Direction and the Journey to God by Dan Burke with Fr. John Bartunek, LC, STL

Thanks for your good advice! Actually he did reply me at times, just that some of my messages (which are decontextualized) are really difficult to be replied… And so I buy your idea that it is better to reserve such things for face-to-face meeting.

I am always frank to my spiritual director, I tell him basically everything about myself.

I used to resort to long messages for friends who would not see me for a long time, but I think I’ll have to change this habit now.

Just arranged a spiritual direction on 13th August.