Suspicions about my Wife... What to do?

[Needing_Grace]

Did that save your marriage? That is the goal, after all, right? Otherwise, there is no need to accumulate all that evidence. The courts don’t want it, and you might even get into legal trouble yourself if you cross certain boundaries to get it. If you go too far, you give your wayward spouse a way to rationalize his or her violations of trust.

The law protects privacy, even the privacy of adulterers who are alienating the affections of your spouse, but the law does essentially nothing to protect the bonds of marriage. When it comes to protecting your marriage, you are on your own. No matter what you do, the law leaves you vulnerable to the unilateral decision of your spouse to abandon you, even if you are innocent and have kept all of your promises to the full extent of both the letter and the spirit of your vows.

I would not go to great lengths to do detective work. If my spouse is not willing to be open and demonstrate that he is transparent and worthy of my trust, that’s a problem. I don’t have a problem with putting GPS on a car that belongs to me, too, but if I had evidence enough that I’d feel justified in violating the privacy of someone outside our marriage, I have evidence enough to say my trust is being put through the wringer.

You are absolutely correct. I went way too far and violated some serious boundaries. My absolute goal was to reconcile and ultimately mutually recommit to the marriage and renew our marriage vows. There was a period of time where I thought she had changed and things in our relationship seemed to take a significant turn for the better. Problem is that she never ended the affair. Much of the “detective” work that I did was after the affair was to have ended. The more “underground” they went, the deeper I needed to dig to find the truth. Keep in mind that the whole time she is lying to me and saying the things that I so desperately wanted to hear. No excuses though. I know, I went way too far. And to what end? It is now almost 4 years later, she is still seeing the other man, and has now filed for divorce.

Don’t really want to high-jack the thread, but just wanted to give the OP some ideas about getting to the truth so that he is in the best position to decide his course of action.

 

[EasterJoy]

You are absolutely correct. I went way too far and violated some serious boundaries. My absolute goal was to reconcile and ultimately mutually recommit to the marriage and renew our marriage vows. There was a period of time where I thought she had changed and things in our relationship seemed to take a significant turn for the better. Problem is that she never ended the affair. Much of the “detective” work that I did was after the affair was to have ended. The more “underground” they went, the deeper I needed to dig to find the truth. Keep in mind that the whole time she is lying to me and saying the things that I so desperately wanted to hear. No excuses though. I know, I went way too far. And to what end? It is now almost 4 years later, she is still seeing the other man, and has now filed for divorce.

Don’t really want to high-jack the thread, but just wanted to give the OP some ideas about getting to the truth so that he is in the best position to decide his course of action.

I don’t mean to criticize what you chose to do in ethical terms so much as to point out that we have to look at what we hope to accomplish in practical terms.

It is important to keep asking “what am I trying to accomplish?” and “will I accomplish it by what I’m doing?” Not everything we have a right to do is in our best interest. Sometimes, the only possible outcomes are loss, with no realistic hope of profit. It falls under that point in the Serenity Prayer about seeing the difference between the things we can change and the things we can’t control:

*God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen. *

 

[Needing_Grace]

I don’t mean to criticize what you chose to do in ethical terms so much as to point out that we have to look at what we hope to accomplish in practical terms.

It is important to keep asking “what am I trying to accomplish?” and “will I accomplish it by what I’m doing?” Not everything we have a right to do is in our best interest. Sometimes, the only possible outcomes are loss, with no realistic hope of profit. It falls under that point in the Serenity Prayer about seeing the difference between the things we can change and the things we can’t control:

You are absolutely correct. I do not dispute anything you are saying. Just my crazy codependent way of dealing with a horrible situation. I have known for a long time that my wife was not being faithful, and most likely would never be able to. But something in my crazy way of thinking kept holding on to hope, and so I tried to keep in touch with everything that was going on. I get it. . . I totally need to embrace the serenity prayer.

That said, however, the point I was trying to make to the OP is that more information for him at this point might not be a bad thing.

 

[GreyWings]

OP, yikes… I feel for you. What an awful situation.

Honestly, I think you should just confront her and be all, straight up now tell me do you really want to love me forever, oh oh oh

^Sorry, I’m listening to Paula Abdul.

But seriously, ask the wifey STRAIGHT UP. Tell her you won’t put up with this behavior and that she needs to assess her conscience.

 

[1990Domer]

OP, yikes… I feel for you. What an awful situation.

Honestly, I think you should just confront her and be all, straight up now tell me do you really want to love me forever, oh oh oh

^Sorry, I’m listening to Paula Abdul.

But seriously, ask the wifey STRAIGHT UP. Tell her you won’t put up with this behavior and that she needs to assess her conscience.

Cute reference…

 

[GreyWings]

Cute reference…

Hee, thanks.

I feel for the OP. I hope he can talk it out with his wife and the unacceptable behavior stops.

 

[Eliza10]

Hi, I’ll try to keep this as short as possible, but I have a very beautiful wife and 3 kids with her. We got married in vegas in 2005 and married in the church in 2012. She is a cradle catholic from Mexico and I am a former Protestant (Calvary Chapel) baptized catholic as a baby, and fully converted in 2012.

Here is the background. About 3-4 years ago we went through a situation which turned out she was secretly talking to another guy hiding his number as a women’s name on her phone until i secretly called that number and confirmed it was a man. I had caught her sending photos in underwear to this number, and witnessed dirty texts between them. This had been going on for at least 6 months if not longer, as i always noticed the woman’s name in her texts but never gave it any thought until one day she accidentaly sent me at text meant for him and mentioned his name in the text saying that she cares for him. Needless to say i confronted her on that, she eventually came clean and admitted she was talking with another guy but swore it was just for fun, that nothing physical happened between them. Turns out he was a coworker and soon after i confronted her about him and she tried to end it with him, he became obsessive and and started to get violent and my wife’s work friends witnessed him and she reported him to HR for sexual harassment and he lost his job. She changed her phone number, I forgave her and we moved on, and he was out of our lives. At least i hope he still is…

Recently i noticed more suspicious activity coming from my wife, texting non stop for hours and ignoring whats going on around her, then when i check her phone all texts are deleted. A couple weeks ago i did catch her conversation with her BFF and noticed she asked my wife if she had heard from “A” which is a code word for the former guy (i witnessed their texts referencing this guy as “A” before). And my wife responded that she might try to escape with “another code name”. Both code names easily match the name of the guy she used to talk to. I am in a very confused state right now she has been deleting certain facebook messages from her phone, while leaving others, long phone conversations with a phone number i don’t know and wanting to go out more often with “Friends” almost every weekend now. My mind is just overwhelmed with suspicions that she is talking, maybe seeing another man, and maybe the same man i caught her with before!

So what i am looking for is some Godly advice. How should i play this? Do i stay quiet and keep observing her behavior and compile evidence? Should i even be spending my time investigating everything? I feel soo bad and obsessed when i see her phone alone, i feel like i’m bringing my own pain upon myself. Should i just ignore it if she’s keeping me happy? The thing is she makes me happy in every other way, she cooks, cleans, is a great mother, great lover, and tells me she loves me and does romantic things for me, so it makes me so confused if she really does love me but is struggling with temptation with infedelity, or could she be faking her love for me to keep me happy so she can do her thing. I am SO confused and would love any feedback you can give me.

Thank you.

I’m sorry I did not read the responses before responding - perhaps someone has already said this.

If you were business partners with a guy who was in charge of finances for your company, and he constantly embezzled your money and lied to you about the the finances, and you caught him, and he said, “Sorry”, would you say, “Okay then! Lets get back to business together!” Or would you consider he possibly had a character flaw making it impossible to carry out business with him?

I am suggesting what you wrote of your wife sounds like a person with the kind of character flaw that makes such a person incapable of meaning and keeping a marraige vow.

 

[Elena321]

Let us be clear: people who have never committed an infidelity in their life can fall into an infatuation, particularly if it is with someone who is very charming and talented at flattery. Once the infatuation is in place, the foundation is set for deception and, practically speaking, all the falsehoods that addicts are prone to commit in order to get their “fix.” People will instead fall into the deceptions of the Devil, “well, I am not normally a deceptive person, BUT…” and then give all sorts of rationalizations for why infidelity is OK this time and the cheated-on spouse “practically deserves it.”

That is almost the worst of it. In the process of rationalizing cheating, a cheating spouse will often get into the mental habit of denigrating the cheated-on spouse, in order to quiet their guilty conscience. When there has been cheating, the relationship needs to be re-built, no matter how forgiving and how sorry either part is about how it happened.

I agree.

OP : Do you have any update?

 

[Elena321]

Thank you all for your advice. I will be looking to speak with a priest.

I think the overall point I am trying to get at with this thread is What would Jesus do?

We are told to forgive and love our spouses unconditionally. But I also understand we’re not to let people take advantage of us and run over us. Other threads I’ve read with similar situations, the advice was to continue loving the spouse and pray for them to stay away from evil and temptation. That is basically my tactic right now, praying hard and loving hard.

My other concern is does it make me a bad guy to be spying on her, checking her texts being so distrustful, am I just being paranoid or over jealous?

Also, one saying i’ve heard is what eyes dont see, hearts dont feel, which my wife has told me on multiple occasions. She really isnt a jealous person at all with me, when i go out she has full trust in where i go, who i go with and what i do and no questions asked. I believe she is looking for that same trust with me but it makes me wonder could I(we) be happier if we lived this lifestyle of full trust, and leave my nose out of suspicion?

Your wifes reasoning about 'what you don’t see can’t hurt you" is wrong and disrespectful.
Your not the bad guy for spying on her,however even though its justifiable,i wouldn’t do it.
Spying,checking her text etc could in her world view make her reason/think you are controlling or possesive.
The she could reason your possesiveness is forcing her look for different man.
At the same time,she is not worthy of trust as trust must be built on something (past behaviour).

Do you know why she interest in other man?
Is it because she has no moral or is it because she like the attention and compliments?

 

[justinam]

NEEDING GRACE, thanks for your post. That’s a lot of what i was looking for, people in similar situations and it seems like yours was VERY similar. I’m sorry to hear what you are going through.

And everyone else, I appreciate the comments. About the business partner examples I think what makes my situation more difficult is that i have 3 young kids. I have thought about that if i was in this situation and we had no kids i would definitely have left the relationship a long time ago, but being that we are raising 3 kids, it creates an obstacle for me to make any decision, hence why i am so patient and calm in all of this. I care for my kids more than anything and I love seeing a happy face on them all the time around us, and I don’t want to make a harsh decision that will change their lives forever just for my own sake.

Like i mentioned before, my wife still tells me she loves me and misses me and does little romantic things every now and then (not as much as she used to) but I just wonder if she really means those words or if she is just telling me what i want to hear to keep me off her back. Some days it feels like we are soo in love, so in touch, happy, then other days so far apart. I don’t know if this is normal in most marriages, but looking to see what you guys think. NEEDING GRACE, did you feel like the words she was telling you were sincere and true even though she was still messing around?

ELENA321, you are right, i am worried about her turning this around on me by digging too deep. She is the type of person that will blow up and throw it all back on me, yelling at me as to why i’m spying on her, and she can’t trust me anymore and she wants her freedom, etc… I am between a rock and a hard place.
However, I have been praying hard, non-stop everyday, asking Mary, the saints, and Jesus to help our situation and keep us both from temptations and make us fall in love with each other again, and to be honest, things have been wonderful since i started praying.

 

[Needing_Grace]

NEEDING GRACE, did you feel like the words she was telling you were sincere and true even though she was still messing around?

YES! After I initially confronted her and she agreed to end all contact with the other man things were great. Better than they had been in a very long time. We did a lot of things together and seemed to develop a very close emotional connection. I really felt like she was back in love with me. Trouble is, she never stopped seeing the other man. I found out that, literally one week after the confrontation where she agreed to end all contact she was on a ski trip with him in Colorado when she was supposed to be skiing with her sister. I have concluded that she is literally incapable of being faithful at this point.

By the way, I tied to PM you, but got an error message saying that your message box has too much data, and that you would need to delete some before my message could be delivered.

 

[justinam]

Wow, i can’t believe what people are capable of. I’m sorry to hear that. Yes i was notified my inbox was full, i just cleared it out, please try again. Thanks

 

[Needing_Grace]

Wow, i can’t believe what people are capable of. I’m sorry to hear that. Yes i was notified my inbox was full, i just cleared it out, please try again. Thanks

Depression and personality disorders are powerful things my friend. Very very powerful things.

 

[GreyWings]

Depression and personality disorders are powerful things my friend. Very very powerful things.

Yeah, speaking from experience, specifically depression, can be debilitating. They are indeed powerful in that way, they hurt and suck the life out of me. Is that what you meant?

 

[white_sheep]

I would at least want some actual evidence that she isn’t still sleeping with other men, and that when she “goes out with friends” she is actually out with friends(female only). I wouldn’t allow her to go out with other men. That is just unacceptable.

Cheaters cheat, it’s what they do. Thinking that anything ended because of whatever she told you is stupid. They lie, put blame on you, and try to beat you down. Don’t put up with it.

If she says “you’re spying on me” say you were sleeping with other men and need to be held accountable.

To me it is simple. She cheated on you. You need to verify that it isn’t still going on and take action to prevent it from happening again. Her “privacy” is a problem. Don’t think it should be respected.

Would I care if my wife looked through my phone? No. I might be a little offended that she felt she needed to, but if she felt that way I would help her do it, and I would help her go through every digital medium I have, email, websites, everything.

 

[justinam]

I would at least want some actual evidence that she isn’t still sleeping with other men, and that when she “goes out with friends” she is actually out with friends(female only). I wouldn’t allow her to go out with other men. That is just unacceptable.

Cheaters cheat, it’s what they do. Thinking that anything ended because of whatever she told you is stupid. They lie, put blame on you, and try to beat you down. Don’t put up with it.

If she says “you’re spying on me” say you were sleeping with other men and need to be held accountable.

To me it is simple. She cheated on you. You need to verify that it isn’t still going on and take action to prevent it from happening again. Her “privacy” is a problem. Don’t think it should be respected.

Would I care if my wife looked through my phone? No. I might be a little offended that she felt she needed to, but if she felt that way I would help her do it, and I would help her go through every digital medium I have, email, websites, everything.

WHITE SHEEP, I agree with you. I am not going to put up with it forever that’s for sure.I don’t know that i would divorce her for the sake of my kids, but i do think she needs to be aware of what i know, and take responsibility for what shes doing as much as it will hurt our family. I need to make her end it one way or the other. What kind of “Action” do you suggest I can do to prevent it from happening again?

 

[white_sheep]

I thought I had made a recommendation and came here to see. I am glad I didn’t though I had some things in mind. You should talk to an expert, someone who deals with this professionally. Maybe a counselor and a private investigator.

If I recommended GPS and phone monitoring stuff I would have little real experience with these things, whereas a private investigator would know what to say. If I told you what behaviors to watch out for and what phrases might mean that she is still having an affair and trying to manipulate you and blameshift, I wouldn’t know what I am talking about, but a counselor would.

The advice I am qualified to give you is that you should be the best husband you can be. Never raise your voice, which is of course poor advice that is mainly damage control in failing situations. Instead, everything you say to your wife, and every action when you are around her should say I love you. You have to come at it from that perspective, indeed change the way you act, it will change the way you think. Get her flowers on a regular basis and do other things like that. I have a bag of chocolates and put one or two by her flowers every day. Send her love notes on the text message. Etc.

 

[justinam]

I thought I had made a recommendation and came here to see. I am glad I didn’t though I had some things in mind. You should talk to an expert, someone who deals with this professionally. Maybe a counselor and a private investigator.

If I recommended GPS and phone monitoring stuff I would have little real experience with these things, whereas a private investigator would know what to say. If I told you what behaviors to watch out for and what phrases might mean that she is still having an affair and trying to manipulate you and blameshift, I wouldn’t know what I am talking about, but a counselor would.

The advice I am qualified to give you is that you should be the best husband you can be. Never raise your voice, which is of course poor advice that is mainly damage control in failing situations. Instead, everything you say to your wife, and every action when you are around her should say I love you. You have to come at it from that perspective, indeed change the way you act, it will change the way you think. Get her flowers on a regular basis and do other things like that. I have a bag of chocolates and put one or two by her flowers every day. Send her love notes on the text message. Etc.

WHITE SHEEP, have you been through this situation? Just curious. I don’t get advice like yours often, but as much anger i have in my heart i feel like that may be the only answer here until the whole truth shows itself. I am constantly reminded when i pray that Jesus told us to love our wives as he loves the church. God loves the church unconditionally, with all faults and mistakes right, so i think we are called to love our wives even when they are in the wrong. It is SOOOO hard for me to do that with knowing what i know in the back of my head, and keep a straight “happy” face, but i think its what i have to do. I sometimes think i can win her attention back and “replace” the other guy buy being more romantic and nicer and loving to her, but from most people i’ve talked to that will never work. For me its about separating her from these temptations and opportunities. And the only way i know how to do that is through prayer. Anyone else, please let me know if you have any other ideas or advice how to handle this situation?

 

[white_sheep]

WHITE SHEEP, have you been through this situation? Just curious. I don’t get advice like yours often, but as much anger i have in my heart i feel like that may be the only answer here until the whole truth shows itself. I am constantly reminded when i pray that Jesus told us to love our wives as he loves the church. God loves the church unconditionally, with all faults and mistakes right, so i think we are called to love our wives even when they are in the wrong. It is SOOOO hard for me to do that with knowing what i know in the back of my head, and keep a straight “happy” face, but i think its what i have to do. I sometimes think i can win her attention back and “replace” the other guy buy being more romantic and nicer and loving to her, but from most people i’ve talked to that will never work. For me its about separating her from these temptations and opportunities. And the only way i know how to do that is through prayer. Anyone else, please let me know if you have any other ideas or advice how to handle this situation?

No, I haven’t been through this situation.

Say a rosary for her everyday. Pray for her constantly. I am not talking about competing with the other man, merely what every husband should do. I mean really work hard at it. In a bad situation like this I would add a daily mass here and there and offer Communion for her. Fast for her to resist temptation.

Never underestimate the power of the Holy Spirit to bring peace into your home. Get a Holy Spirit medal blessed by your priest and wear it. While I have never had your problem, we have had others, that were everpresent and seemingly incorrectible. My solutions fixed them when nothing else has ever worked. Also, you will find that communication will be much easier. I can talk to my wife about things now that I never would have been able to talk to her about even a few months ago. 2 months ago our marriage was a disaster, bad piled on top of bad and nothing ever got better. I turned it around in one day. Now it is the best it has ever been and has only gotten better. I had thought we had a decent marriage up until that point that one night, but then I realized I was just living in my own world too much.

I have always loved shortcuts. Cheating is the best. So that’s what I did here. I cut her out of the loop and cheated. Went behind her back and talked to God about it, prayed, asked the Holy Spirit for guidance, and these ideas are what I came up with.

You aren’t going to divorce her over this for whatever reasons you have, so I understand. Therefore, you should do what is right. Being the best husband that you can is right. I do everything for my wife, everything I can think of to make her life easier. Do I think it is right that I have to do all of this to have a good marriage? No. But that’s the deal I got. Sometimes you marry poorly and don’t find out until afterwards. I am a man, I can take it. My job is to do my part to the best of my ability.

All of these things take work on your part. Love, cherish, honor, respect, serve, help out, be considerate, listen to her, be gentle, identify her needs and fulfill them, let her in, be happy, be thankful for her, compliment her. Do these things, most of these are from the Bible. I know I should have done all of this from the beginning, it’s never too late to do the right thing. Pray as a family also. Nighttime prayers with the kids if nothing else. I hope this helps. I will include her in my prayers as well.

 

[white_sheep]

Honestly, if you aren’t planning on divorcing her, I wouldn’t bother with verifying whether or not she is still with the other man. It won’t make you happy. I don’t think there is any way you can get her to quit on your own anyway.