Taking a Spouses Side

[BlueEyedLady]

I was always raised to believe that you stand by your spouse and take their side even when you feel that they are wrong. Even if you privately argue with them and try to change their mind, you defend them to the outside world and present yourselves as united.

But I do understand that that can sometimes be a difficult thing to do, especially when you have to stand by them over your friends or even family that you feel are right.

What are your thoughts on this? Do you agree or disagree with it?

And before anyone asks this question is not stemming from a problem in my or anyone else’s relationship. It’s hypothetical. But as a young woman preparing for marriage I am interested in other’s thoughts on the matter.

 

[SMHW]

I was always raised to believe that you stand by your spouse and take their side even when you feel that they are wrong. Even if you privately argue with them and try to change their mind, you defend them to the outside world and present yourselves as united.

But I do understand that that can sometimes be a difficult thing to do, especially when you have to stand by them over your friends or even family that you feel are right.

What are your thoughts on this? Do you agree or disagree with it?

And before anyone asks this question is not stemming from a problem in my or anyone else’s relationship. It’s hypothetical. But as a young woman preparing for marriage I am interested in other’s thoughts on the matter.

I think you have to define some parameters. There’s a world of difference between defending your spouse over a difference of opinion with your parents on children’s bed-times and defending your spouse if he engages in some kind of criminal activity.

But my guess is that you are referring to such things as disagreements about the family attending invalid weddings, whose home the family should visit at Christmas, or how your family should spend its money.

In general I think you are correct. I don’t think you always have to pass yourself off as agreeing with your spouse. But unless it is something that is clearly immoral I think you have to at least defend your spouse’s right to make decisions for your family that are in opposition to the decisions friends and family would have you make.

 

[Nechasin]

I think this is highly dependent on what the issue is. If your spouse is saying abortion (or against other Catholic moral positions) is ok, then I think that is something that you shouldn’t agree with publicly. If you spouse did something, and believes it was the right thing, but has no moral implications, I think you should make an effort to present a united front. If it is just something silly like the best sports team, than it doesn’t matter either way.

 

[EasterJoy]

You do not have to pretend you agree when you don’t, and you do not have to defend him if he is clearly wrong. You can (and sometimes you have a duty to) just choose to keep your mouth shut and not open the matter to what would be an end-run discussion with you instead of with him.

IOW, he doesn’t deserve for you to always say “he is right” but when it comes to what he is insisting that you choose as a couple, you can say, “it’s our decision, and this is what we are doing” while refusing to get into a discussion that isn’t anyone else’s business. Or you can say, “He’s made his feelings clear, and I’ve decided to do what he wants to do. If you want to advocate for something different, you’re going to have take it up with him.”

If it is about a matter of fact, you can still stay out of his arguments with other people. You can let him be the only dog your family has in the fight, and not let yourself be an opening by which others can attack his position.

When it comes to your children, you can’t stand by and watch anyone abuse them, even your husband. If he is abusive towards others and you say nothing, you are complicit in what he’s doing. When it is a question of opinion, though, you can tell your kids, “this is Dad’s decision, and it is not going to hurt you to go along with him”. It’s like explaining to kids how to act around umpires: they don’t have the infallible opinion. They do have the definitive opinion. You may not always like it, but most of the time you have to live with it, anyway. Letting a wrong or questionable call stand without making a stink about it, out of respect for the one with authority to make the call, usually won’t kill anybody. Most of the time, it makes for a much better game.

 

[Allegra]

I don’t think that a spouse always has to pretend they agree with every choice their spouse makes, though they shouldn’t be defaming their spouse to others and they shouldn’t use family members to sabotague their spouse’s plans. One spouse should never allow a friend of family member to use them to manipulate the other spouse. In most cases, one should always try to support their spouse as much as possible.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

I defend and support my wife 100%, but not necessarily her decisions/opinions. That doesn’t mean I’ll take her to task or make more of an issue of it than needed in front of others, but if she decides to give our toddler a bowl full of jalapenos at a party, I’m not going to argue that it was a good idea.

 

[RSD]

As a young woman preparing for marriage you would do well to ask these questions of married people whom you know. Ask people whose marriages you admire. Also ask people who do not seem like the sort of people you want to emulate. Sometimes they will have one to two startlingly good things to say, and sometimes your will say to yourself “Now I know what not to do”. When I was a young woman preparing for marriage many years ago I did not ask people these questions, and now I really wish I had, especially of older people who are no longer around to ask. If you ask people whom you know you can connect their answers with what you know of how they live out their own advice.

 

[jmcrae]

I was always raised to believe that you stand by your spouse and take their side even when you feel that they are wrong. Even if you privately argue with them and try to change their mind, you defend them to the outside world and present yourselves as united.

But I do understand that that can sometimes be a difficult thing to do, especially when you have to stand by them over your friends or even family that you feel are right.

What are your thoughts on this? Do you agree or disagree with it?

And before anyone asks this question is not stemming from a problem in my or anyone else’s relationship. It’s hypothetical. But as a young woman preparing for marriage I am interested in other’s thoughts on the matter.

The most important decision to make is that you will love your spouse forever; that they are part of your blood and bone, now, and cannot be separated from you, no matter what.

Everything else just flows naturally from there. Sometimes you will disagree with them, but the disagreement will not have any power to harm the love that you have for them. Sometimes they will do truly crazy things, but even that will not have the power to harm the love that you have for them.

Of course, to make the common life easier, it is best to marry someone who already agrees with you on most things.

 

[fastenatingguy]

I was always raised to believe that you stand by your spouse and take their side even when you feel that they are wrong. Even if you privately argue with them and try to change their mind, you defend them to the outside world and present yourselves as united.

But I do understand that that can sometimes be a difficult thing to do, especially when you have to stand by them over your friends or even family that you feel are right.

What are your thoughts on this? Do you agree or disagree with it?

And before anyone asks this question is not stemming from a problem in my or anyone else’s relationship. It’s hypothetical. But as a young woman preparing for marriage I am interested in other’s thoughts on the matter.

---

Unfortunately, my situation is not a hypothetical.

Years ago, I was not 100% supportive of my wife when she had disagreements with my sister or mother, each of whom lived within one mile of us. My wife always prided herself on being independent and being able to stand up for herself. Self made woman, college educated, MBA, started her own business, etc. As I think back, I was probably 40% to 60% supportive on average. I didn’t realize that it was important for her to “win” those arguments.

So when I agreed with her viewpoint, I supported and defended her. When I didn’t, agree with her, I did not think that she “needed” me to defend her. In fact she would kind of talk over me as if I was getting in the way of her argument. When she would capitulate, then afterwards she would start to resent me. “Why do you agree with _______?” And I would explain why, but what she was really saying was “I need you to support me.” But I didn’t get that message (typical male). I am just like my father: the peacemaker. Go along to get along. Pick your battles and win them when it’s important, etc.

So that total disconnect was a major contributor to ruining our relationship. After my father died, I then got more drawn in to these “tiffs” and stumbled into that peacemaker role. I had experienced my grandparents getting into arguments with their siblings and not talk to them for years. My father eventually played peacemaker, and this was for his in-laws. Eventually, there was a peaceful resolution. Not long afterward, my great aunt died, and my grandmother (her sister) was devastated that she “wasted” ten years of their lives fighting (not talking), then they reconciled, then her sister died. Regret. My grandmother was miserable for the rest of her days.

So as the peacemaker, it worsened my wife’s experience dealing with her in laws. As peacemaker, I became her enemy, cause I would not support her unconditionally. Combine that with too much time and effort trying to sustain a family business enterprise, and something had to give. One day she told me “I have replaced you” and she was dead serious. That was over thirteen years ago and she hasn’t spoken to me since about anything but bills and other problems, and (sometimes) our kids. We live (bad choice of words), more like exist, as two separate people in our house (not much of a home), living separate lives. She has also drifted away from the church, while I have come to embrace it and rely upon it more than ever. I pray that we will somehow reconcile, with God’s help.

So, I would agree that husbands especially should always support their wives without any preconditions. Also, don’t ever assume anything about your wife’s relationship with your family or friends. Ask questions and discuss these things, even if it isn’t in your nature to do so. Your relationship depends on that.

 

[mark_a]

I was always raised to believe that you stand by your spouse and take their side even when you feel that they are wrong. Even if you privately argue with them and try to change their mind, you defend them to the outside world and present yourselves as united.

But I do understand that that can sometimes be a difficult thing to do, especially when you have to stand by them over your friends or even family that you feel are right.

What are your thoughts on this? Do you agree or disagree with it?

Generally speaking, no can do. But I don’t make a big deal of our disagreement publicly.

And since my wife and I have learned the faith, we find ourselves disagreeing less and less because we agree on life’s biggies.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

---

Unfortunately, my situation is not a hypothetical.

Years ago, I was not 100% supportive of my wife when she had disagreements with my sister or mother, each of whom lived within one mile of us. My wife always prided herself on being independent and being able to stand up for herself. Self made woman, college educated, MBA, started her own business, etc. As I think back, I was probably 40% to 60% supportive on average. I didn’t realize that it was important for her to “win” those arguments.

So when I agreed with her viewpoint, I supported and defended her. When I didn’t, agree with her, I did not think that she “needed” me to defend her. In fact she would kind of talk over me as if I was getting in the way of her argument. When she would capitulate, then afterwards she would start to resent me. “Why do you agree with _______?” And I would explain why, but what she was really saying was “I need you to support me.” But I didn’t get that message (typical male). I am just like my father: the peacemaker. Go along to get along. Pick your battles and win them when it’s important, etc.

So that total disconnect was a major contributor to ruining our relationship. After my father died, I then got more drawn in to these “tiffs” and stumbled into that peacemaker role. I had experienced my grandparents getting into arguments with their siblings and not talk to them for years. My father eventually played peacemaker, and this was for his in-laws. Eventually, there was a peaceful resolution. Not long afterward, my great aunt died, and my grandmother (her sister) was devastated that she “wasted” ten years of their lives fighting (not talking), then they reconciled, then her sister died. Regret. My grandmother was miserable for the rest of her days.

So as the peacemaker, it worsened my wife’s experience dealing with her in laws. As peacemaker, I became her enemy, cause I would not support her unconditionally. Combine that with too much time and effort trying to sustain a family business enterprise, and something had to give. One day she told me “I have replaced you” and she was dead serious. That was over thirteen years ago and she hasn’t spoken to me since about anything but bills and other problems, and (sometimes) our kids. We live (bad choice of words), more like exist, as two separate people in our house (not much of a home), living separate lives. She has also drifted away from the church, while I have come to embrace it and rely upon it more than ever. I pray that we will somehow reconcile, with God’s help.

So, I would agree that husbands especially should always support their wives without any preconditions. Also, don’t ever assume anything about your wife’s relationship with your family or friends. Ask questions and discuss these things, even if it isn’t in your nature to do so. Your relationship depends on that.

Wow, I am so sorry. Thank you for sharing your experience and perspective.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I think it all depends on the situation.

Once I had an issue with my MIL and my husband told me that he would support me but that he disagreed with my position and was asking me to re-think it. I was stunned by his attitude and I really did re-think it. I felt supported and loved but at the same time was shown that I was wrong.

If the spouse acts in a way that hurts other people, especially the children, then we must stand up to them. Unfortunately, in my family that was not the way, and my mother always supported my father who was a bully, because of her sense of loyalty. That had devastating consequences for all of us, and it certainly didn’t help my father to change and become a better man.

 

[cmscms]

I also think this is too vague of a question. There needs to be more details

For example, if you are out with a bunch of friends and all you can think in the back of your mind is ‘I can’t wait to get home and soak in the tub’ and your spouse says ‘Hey, why don’t we all come back to my place for a drink?’ I would say that is a communication issue and the couple should have discussed in private whether or not they would invite the gang over before hand

If it is something like a relative says ‘Want to come over for thanksgiving dinner’ and one person was secretly hoping to do something else, then the couple shold say ‘We will have to check our schedule and get back to you’.

One thing however, and this is more out of consideration for the other people, a couple should NEVER argue in public. It just humiliates everyone else around

CM

 

[FullOfThought]

In our marriage my husband and I share the same beliefs on humanity (abortion, contraception etc) so we’ve never faced a discussion in which those aspects have come into it.

However, say for example somebody is discussing their opinions on a political matter, or a route to take while driving, I will listen to my husband and thank him for his knowledge. If I disagree, privately I would ask more questions to see why he believes such things, but publically I would smile supportively and encourage him.

Supporting and encouraging my husband if very important to me, and he is very knowledgable.

 

[timotheos]

Of course, to make the common life easier, it is best to marry someone who already agrees with you on most things.

If the spouse acts in a way that hurts other people, especially the children, then we must stand up to them. Unfortunately, in my family that was not the way, and my mother always supported my father who was a bully, because of her sense of loyalty. That had devastating consequences for all of us, and it certainly didn’t help my father to change and become a better man.

Discernment, discernment, discernment. Not whether to marry, but WHO. Find a future spouse with impeccable morals and a strong sense of doing the right thing, and you should rarely have this problem.

I have had a little experience with this issue. Pray, and pray some more.

 

[EasterJoy]

---

Unfortunately, my situation is not a hypothetical.

Years ago, I was not 100% supportive of my wife when she had disagreements with my sister or mother, each of whom lived within one mile of us. My wife always prided herself on being independent and being able to stand up for herself. Self made woman, college educated, MBA, started her own business, etc. As I think back, I was probably 40% to 60% supportive on average. I didn’t realize that it was important for her to “win” those arguments.

So when I agreed with her viewpoint, I supported and defended her. When I didn’t, agree with her, I did not think that she “needed” me to defend her. In fact she would kind of talk over me as if I was getting in the way of her argument. When she would capitulate, then afterwards she would start to resent me. “Why do you agree with _______?” And I would explain why, but what she was really saying was “I need you to support me.” But I didn’t get that message (typical male). I am just like my father: the peacemaker. Go along to get along. Pick your battles and win them when it’s important, etc.

So that total disconnect was a major contributor to ruining our relationship. After my father died, I then got more drawn in to these “tiffs” and stumbled into that peacemaker role. I had experienced my grandparents getting into arguments with their siblings and not talk to them for years. My father eventually played peacemaker, and this was for his in-laws. Eventually, there was a peaceful resolution. Not long afterward, my great aunt died, and my grandmother (her sister) was devastated that she “wasted” ten years of their lives fighting (not talking), then they reconciled, then her sister died. Regret. My grandmother was miserable for the rest of her days.

So as the peacemaker, it worsened my wife’s experience dealing with her in laws. As peacemaker, I became her enemy, cause I would not support her unconditionally. Combine that with too much time and effort trying to sustain a family business enterprise, and something had to give. One day she told me “I have replaced you” and she was dead serious. That was over thirteen years ago and she hasn’t spoken to me since about anything but bills and other problems, and (sometimes) our kids. We live (bad choice of words), more like exist, as two separate people in our house (not much of a home), living separate lives. She has also drifted away from the church, while I have come to embrace it and rely upon it more than ever. I pray that we will somehow reconcile, with God’s help.

So, I would agree that husbands especially should always support their wives without any preconditions. Also, don’t ever assume anything about your wife’s relationship with your family or friends. Ask questions and discuss these things, even if it isn’t in your nature to do so. Your relationship depends on that.

What a sad situation! I’m sorry!

I think the part about talking is absolutely true. Having said that, there is something very unrealistic in expecting your spouse to agree with you all the time as a condition of believing they “support” you, as well as the belief that avoiding open conflict is a way of keeping “the peace” or that you have to agree with someone in order to defend their right to have their viewpoint. You have learned the hard way that it does not work that way.

Did the Prophet Nathan fail in his support of King David when he confronted him with his wrong-doing? Of course he did not. Did Our Lord fail as Prince of Peace when he made a sort of whip out of cords and drove the moneychangers out of the temple? Of course he did not. You cannot defend peace if you forsake justice. Other times, being peaceable means letting two other parties run their own conflicts. When a man came to him about a dispute with his brother over an inheritance, Our Lord refused to get entangled in it, and instead counselled all those within earshot to avoid greed.

Very unfortunately, you have not been at peace with your wife for a very very long time, even though you’ve managed to avoid open conflicts. Sometimes conflict is required to restore peace, and avoiding it postpones peace. That may be where your marriage is right now.

I think it inevitable that there will get to be a time when you will need to add some action to your prayers. You may want to get some spiritual guidance about that, and ready yourself for that day. There is no guarantee that a reconciliation is possible, but you may well be past the point where putting off direct address of the problem is only dims your chances of digging through all the built up resentment and re-building a good relationship with your wife. Patience is a very good thing, but avoidance and patience are not the same thing.

Neither of you is going to live forever. If not now, when?

 

[akela135]

I think this depends on what exactly you mean. For instance I don’t think spouses need to agree on everything and always back each other up even if they don’t agree, especially in open general discussions. However if the couple reached a decision together then they need to support each other if people question their decision. Regardless of how important this decision was.

Example: Husband and Wife argue over whether to go on vacation to see their families in Florida or California. Husband really wants to go to California but eventually agrees that going to Florida this year for his wife’s sake is what they will do. When they tell their family the family says that is an awful choice and that they should come to California. Husband should not say, “I told my wife that but she refused to listen, see wife, we should go to California like I wanted! Everyone else agrees!” He should support the decision they reached as a couple. Perhaps later in private he can reopen the discussion of vacation spots but he should not do so in front of the family.

This can be applied to any choice the couple makes, from having more kids, or waiting to have kids, picking out furniture, houses/apartments, cars, what school to send kids too, to have pets or not, whether mom or dad or both work, anything. If the couple is in disagreement and one decides to go with what the other spouse has requested then they both need to stand together against friends and family who might disagree with the decision, even if one spouse privately agrees with the friends and family. However, this is just my humble opinion.

 

[shainski]

I would not publicly defend my wife when i knew she was wrong, nor expect her to defend me in such a case.

On the other hand, I would not expect her to publicly attack my position. I would think that she might take me aside later and tell me - “I think you were out of line.”

Now, if it was something to do with her family or mine, I would expect that she would defend me against her own family if it was a mutual decision - and i would protect her if my family did not like a decision we had made.

“No, we decided not to try to travel to both families on Christmas Day this year.”
“Sorry, we have decided not to name our child after great aunt Mertle.”

Now the question might arise what would happen if my spouse took a position i would not have expected. And it might depend on what the occasion was. Are we at a PTA meeting, or a family outing, or a bunch of close friends, or our neighborhood block party?

Would my spouse disagreeing with me cause me a great deal of embarrassment?

And it depends how culpable i am. I find humor and sadness when a politician is accused of - let’s say - soliciting a prostitute (or having an affair) and the spouse if force to stand beside him.

 

[fastenatingguy]

What a sad situation! I’m sorry!

I think the part about talking is absolutely true. Having said that, there is something very unrealistic in expecting your spouse to agree with you all the time as a condition of believing they “support” you, as well as the belief that avoiding open conflict is a way of keeping “the peace” or that you have to agree with someone in order to defend their right to have their viewpoint. You have learned the hard way that it does not work that way.

Did the Prophet Nathan fail in his support of King David when he confronted him with his wrong-doing? Of course he did not. Did Our Lord fail as Prince of Peace when he made a sort of whip out of cords and drove the moneychangers out of the temple? Of course he did not. You cannot defend peace if you forsake justice. Other times, being peaceable means letting two other parties run their own conflicts. When a man came to him about a dispute with his brother over an inheritance, Our Lord refused to get entangled in it, and instead counselled all those within earshot to avoid greed.

Very unfortunately, you have not been at peace with your wife for a very very long time, even though you’ve managed to avoid open conflicts. Sometimes conflict is required to restore peace, and avoiding it postpones peace. That may be where your marriage is right now.

I think it inevitable that there will get to be a time when you will need to add some action to your prayers. You may want to get some spiritual guidance about that, and ready yourself for that day. There is no guarantee that a reconciliation is possible, but you may well be past the point where putting off direct address of the problem is only dims your chances of digging through all the built up resentment and re-building a good relationship with your wife. Patience is a very good thing, but avoidance and patience are not the same thing.

Neither of you is going to live forever. If not now, when?

---

Thanks for your thoughts and words. I wish I knew how to answer, as much as I knew how to open her hardened heart.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thanks for your thoughts and words. I wish I knew how to answer, as much as I knew how to open her hardened heart.

If you are living with a spouse who won’t talk to you about anything substantial or intimate, figuring out how to proceed proactively to address that issue is a job for a professional counsellor. There are no guaranteed ways to do it, but there are ways that are more and ways that are less likely to find some measure of success. Once you get her talking, then you might have some better idea what to do next.

Prayer is the foundational underpinning, absolutely, but don’t stop there. Look into what you might try to do, too.

This might also take the form of gradually letting go of your desire to avoid conflict…gradually because you start practicing the art of gentle but firm assertion within your other relationships. It takes practice to learn how to voice hard truths in a gentle non-confrontational way that doesn’t leave the recipient either defensive or not on the spot at all. It takes practice to decide when it is right to assert your position and when humility counsels otherwise. You don’t get to where you know when it is the time to clear the Temple and how to do it in just a day.