Taking each other for granted in a relationship

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I am engaged to be married (our date is in about 6 months), and we’ve been together for 5.5 years until now. We’ve had our ups and downs, but lately things have been getting tough.

Over the last two weeks or so, we’ve only seen each other about 3 times. We normally hang out 3-4 times a week. Over the last 6 days, I was away on a trip, but everyday my Fiance and I would email back and forth to each other about how much we missed each other and how much we could not wait to put our arms around each other again!!

However, when I arrived home last night, the bliss and glee lasted about 30 min before things started to nose-dive. In the end, my Fiance admitted to taking me for granted and apologized… but I was shocked!! We had barely hung out in two weeks and within 30 min he was already taking me for granted again!!

This worries me because if he will take me for granted now, what will 5 or 10 years of marriage be like? I know that he is not perfect, and I do not expect perfection, but I thought I deserved a better homecoming than that.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this?
Anyone have any tips/tricks for not taking each other for granted?
I’m scared for the future of our upcoming marriage…
 
Not married or ever been but it sounds like you guys have been engaged for quite some time. Maybe you just let yourselves get into a rut and need to make things special again. Of course what I know from married couples is that taking the other person for granted just happens from time to time. If you’re expecting excitement and bravado everytime you come home then you’ll most likely end up disappointed. Also guys are notorious for taking things as a given so tell your guy how you feel and I’m sure next time he’ll put in more effort. Guys just don’t always get it. 😉
 
I’m not always expecting romance and excitement (actually, I very very rarely expect anything like this)… it is just that after such a long absence from each other (one week is a long time apart), and after the emails he would send me telling me how he was going crazy because he missed me so much and that he couldn’t wait until I got back, I figured that he would actually act like he missed me… which obviously didn’t happen.

When we finally got a change to hang out after such a long time apart, there was no romance, there was no nothing… he just took me (and us) for granted!

I am just very hurt and disappointed… and worried about our future together. If he can act loveless towards me now (after we’ve had a long absence from each other), what will 10 years of marriage bring?

Thanks for the (name removed by moderator)ut though… any one else with any advice, stories, tips, suggestions?
 
I’ve been married for 32 years.

My hobby is long distance motorcycle riding and touring. I’m on the road 6-7 weeks a year. When I go to California I’m gone almost 3 weeks.

Thanks to modern technology I talk to debbie all the time. I call her whenever I stop for gas, and we speak at length each night.

When I’m a couple of days out from home she says the anticipation of my return builds and by the time I get there she’s about to bust.

My long absences several times a year seems to help us. It gives each of us a break and time to think about the other.

She hides a card of some kind in my bag or clothes for me to find, and I can’t begin to tell how much that means to me. It usually takes me a couple days to find it. Sometimes she buries deep in my socks, or in a side pouch, and one time I found it in my compartment box on my bike, another time it was zipped in the leg pocket of my riding suit. It is the usual Hallmark card with a message about missing someone, but she writes a note on the cover. “Please becareful and come home to me, I miss you and love you.”
 
Don’t let pride get in the way of this. How you feel, that you feel abandoned, not appreciated, hurt, that matters. Pride is tricky here since it doesn’t reveal itself clearly, but after some time you may realise that some of the problem with taking for granted is a bit of an ego think that we’d like to be oh so important and more important than anything else at any given time.

The expectation of romance and excitement, which you discounted, may actually be more relevant than it seems. That’s just another thing we’re reluctant to realise.

As for stories, my ex throughout the first part of our relationship generally always seemed to run away from me, prefer to be with friends than with me, deciding to cut down on the time with me rather than on the time with friends if she had to choose. I was suffering a lot from that and from the perspective of time, I was rather obsessive.

After some months, the table turned. I learnt to live without depending on the hope to talk to her and spend enough time with her to be happy. In essence, I stopped needing her so much. I even discovered I could be happy with my hobbies. So at times I would be distracted or even looking forward to finishing the conversation and getting back to whatever I was doing. She wasn’t happy with that.

I had a bit of the same thing with the previous ex, but I do not recall the precise details and I would not like to get back to it mentally. Before that one, I remember having issues with girls leaving me behind in favour of other people, which included other guys, which included flirting, at times. From the perspective of time, it was rather lame of me, but it was more lame of the girls.

My conclusion is that I need to find someone who genuinely enjoys my company and who does not do me a favour by spending time with me - and as far as hobbies and time alone go, which are important as well - that can communicate with me and has some kind of need to make such things coincide rather than a need to battle for her own way of life. All in all, someone with a sense of justice, since justice is actually important here and is not too big a word at all. Even-handedness in such matters is crucial.
Anyone have any tips/tricks for not taking each other for granted?
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Get a new hairdo. Engage with him in a hobby he likes. Sign up for something with him. Anything that’ll make it move. Just a little change to break the monotony. And guys are receptive to attention just as women are.
 
I can imagine that your fiance’s train of thought goes something like this: :yukonjoe: Boy, I’ve missed this girl over the past week. Been really busy. 🤷 Anyway, we’re together now. Things have gone back to normal. Great! Let’s just carry on as normal… It may not have occurred to him that you need to “fill up” on romance to make up for the two or three dates you missed in the meantime.

What do you mean by taking you for granted? What is your fiance doing that’s bothering you? Let’s say he visits your house after not coming over for a week. What behaviours tell you that he’s taking you for granted? Paying attention to other things (TV, computer) instead of you? Asking you to get things for him? Not discussing the time you spent apart?

And then, what is it that you want to demonstrate his appreciation for you? A heartfelt hug and mentioning how much he’s missed you? Flowers? :flowers: A long conversation? Do you need him to ask how your week went? Should he suggest going out for a nice dinner and talking about things?

Explain these feelings to him. Sometimes guys don’t get it on their own. They can’t read our minds. I had to tell my boyfriend that even if I know he loves me, I need to hear it often. Preferably every day. What is it that you need to make you happy? Don’t be afraid to ask for it. I’m sure your fiance would appreciate knowing, so he can make sure you get it.
 
You don’t probably even need to be directed. A joking, “girls like to get flowers sometimes, you know,” can hit home without offending or upsetting him - not saying you need to treat him like an eggshell, but people are generally sensitive about being told they didn’t do this, didn’t think of that, they’re oh so inconsiderate etc. By contrast, well-meant jokes, even if they are a form of remonstration, are generally well-taken and better-suited to elicit an, “oh, shame on me!” response. 😉 At least that’s the way I’d prefer to be told something like that.
 
A marriage takes work. No 2 ways about it. I still open EVERY door for my wife.Alwars a goodnight kiss. Always a goodmorning kiss. I still call her up at work & ask her out on a date. I always greet her at the door if I am home when she comes in. I thank her when I open the car door for her. She knows I am not being sarcastic. I am thanking her for the privilidge of helping her out of the car.
 
*direct, not directed… errr… looks like I was thinking too fast
 
So, what is it that your fiance did that you classify as ‘taking you for granted’?

I don’t see anything in your post that indicates he did so.
 
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