Talk it out or let it blow over?

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leonie

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My sil is mad at us. We haven’t done anything directly to trigger it. We think she is feeling jealous and resentful because my dh has pretty much taken over my fil’s hobby farm which used to be a working family farm a generation ago. She might also just be more fragile lately because she is experiencing empty nest after being a very devoted mother.

In my experience, hashing things out usually makes things worse. But, since we can’t quite figure out why she is so angry with us…

She is our next door neighbor.

Does talking things over make things better or worse in your experience?
 
Is she still talking to you? Can you address it without specifically addressing it? (Does that make sense?) Sometimes if you put the feelers out she can get any negative feelings off her chest without feeling cornered.
 
Maybe give her awhile, then definitely talk it out. But approach it as you want to know if there is something you have done to her. Don’t say anything that would put her on the defensive. Since she’s acting this way she probably has that type of personality that if you word it wrong she will take it wrong and make matters worse.
 
OK generalizations are usually wrong at some point … but they have some truth to them too or they would not have become popular generalizations. As per the options:

talk it out More women prefer THIS …

or let it blow over? … while more men prefer THIS.

It can work out if both want things better, be it back to where it WAS, or better than that TOO! 🙂

Personally (I’m a man) I’ve opted for both at different times. And had good and bad results.

One party wants to talk when the other doesn’t want to listen.

One party wants to be left alone but the partner wants things settled right then.
St. John: “Little Children, love one another …” (sits down).

Host: “John! We bring you here and risk our lives to hear you speak and that’s ALL you have to say to us?”

St. John “It is enough!” 🙂
 
If you want to talk it out be prepared to tamp down on the instant instinct to become defensive of anything she says. Try to hear her out, think on it and try to look at things from her perspective. If there is an apology required that you are willing to offer, than be sure it’s a full apology without any ‘buts’ or ‘if you were offended’ sprinkled in there.
 
It all depends on people’s communication styles. Believe it or not, it is quite possible that the behaviour she is doing to make you think she is mad at you in her mind might be crystal clear communication and she incorrectly thinks you should read her mind.

However, and as a woman who has been there, I do caution you. If YOU want to talk, it actually means YOU have to listen. If you are fooling yourself into thinking ‘We can talk this out and then she will see why it makes sense for my and dh to have the farm’ you are mistaken.
 
Hate to ask the obvious, but… why don’t you ask her why she is upset? Seems a sensible course of action.
 
leonie said:
My sil is mad at us. We haven’t done anything directly to trigger it. We think she is feeling jealous and resentful because my dh has pretty much taken over my fil’s hobby farm which used to be a working family farm a generation ago. She might also just be more fragile lately because she is experiencing empty nest after being a very devoted mother.

In my experience, hashing things out usually makes things worse. But, since we can’t quite figure out why she is so angry with us…

She is our next door neighbor.

Does talking things over make things better or worse in your experience?
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Too much guessing as to what she is feeling or going through! What are her specific behaviors that suggest she is angry WITH YOU? And not just angry in general, hormonal, or angry at her spouse or circumstances? Don’t make it personal unless you know for certain that it is.

Did your FIL give the farm to your husband? Have your husband and his sister had a close relationship, or not? Do you and SIL get along in general? All these and more factors can come into play when there are problems.

Pray for her, but don’t push a confrontation. Try to get more information if you can. And be patient.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Too much guessing as to what she is feeling or going through! What are her specific behaviors that suggest she is angry WITH YOU? And not just angry in general, hormonal, or angry at her spouse or circumstances? Don’t make it personal unless you know for certain that it is.

Did your FIL give the farm to your husband? Have your husband and his sister had a close relationship, or not? Do you and SIL get along in general? All these and more factors can come into play when there are problems.

Pray for her, but don’t push a confrontation. Try to get more information if you can. And be patient.
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The following episodes have happened in the last 2 weeks:

well, she came out and yelled angrily at my fil and dh for cutting up fallen limbs and brush from her tree that was laying in our yard, saying, “leave the branch alone. We’ll take care of it. Some people think they own everything.”

Then, she told my mil she was irritated with our kids, but not why.

My son had a birthday party and when one of the boys cut through the edge of her yard, she came out and yelled at him. In the 15 years we’ve lived here, she’s never complained or yelled at the kids we have over.

And, then when my dh was walking back from the barn after feeding livestock, she was walking towards him, but when she saw him, did an abrupt 180 degree turn and walked the opposite way.

And, when my bil stopped by with a piece of mail, dh asked him in a very pleasant tone if his sister would be talking to him by Christmas. My very kind and gentle bil said, “I don’t know.” and then gave a sheepish grin.

So, she’s definitely mad.

My fil is getting older and after his heart attack four years ago, dh has gradually taken over care of the livestock and property. We don’t expect to inherit it, though. We assume it will be sold and divided at that time since none of us will be in a place to buy it out. That will be hard on my dh. Hopefully, my inlaws will live another 20 years!

I’ve always gotten along with my sil and we honestly haven’t done anything to her that we are aware of. So, we are a little confused, but going by what she yelled at dh about him taking over everything.

I guess I’m a little concerned about “talking it out” because it seems irrational. And, I’m a little frightened by irrational. At the same time, I don’t want it the situation to get worse by neglect.
 
leonie said:
The following episodes have happened in the last 2 weeks:

well, she came out and yelled angrily at my fil and dh for cutting up fallen limbs and brush from her tree that was laying in our yard, saying, “leave the branch alone. We’ll take care of it. Some people think they own everything.”

Then, she told my mil she was irritated with our kids, but not why.

My son had a birthday party and when one of the boys cut through the edge of her yard, she came out and yelled at him. In the 15 years we’ve lived here, she’s never complained or yelled at the kids we have over.

And, then when my dh was walking back from the barn after feeding livestock, she was walking towards him, but when she saw him, did an abrupt 180 degree turn and walked the opposite way.

And, when my bil stopped by with a piece of mail, dh asked him in a very pleasant tone if his sister would be talking to him by Christmas. My very kind and gentle bil said, “I don’t know.” and then gave a sheepish grin.

So, she’s definitely mad.

My fil is getting older and after his heart attack four years ago, dh has gradually taken over care of the livestock and property. We don’t expect to inherit it, though. We assume it will be sold and divided at that time since none of us will be in a place to buy it out. That will be hard on my dh. Hopefully, my inlaws will live another 20 years!

I’ve always gotten along with my sil and we honestly haven’t done anything to her that we are aware of. So, we are a little confused, but going by what she yelled at dh about him taking over everything.

I guess I’m a little concerned about “talking it out” because it seems irrational. And, I’m a little frightened by irrational. At the same time, I don’t want it the situation to get worse by neglect.
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Yeah, you can be damned if you do, and damned if you don’t. Could the father help mediate perhaps?
 
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