Talking About Past Sexual Sins

[waanju]

So, as a young teenager, I didn’t get much guidance about sexuality other than “stay a virgin until you’re married”. Everything else was presented as sort of fair game. Without solid guidelines, I found myself resisting at first, then giving in to things boyfriends asked me to do. As I got older and grew in faith, I learned to assert myself and gained the courage to insist upon a chaste relationship (luckily the last of my boyfriends was very understanding and also repented our previous mistakes). I’ve been to confession and amended my ways.
Now, a few years have gone by, and I’ve developed a really strong friendship with a very good and devout young man. This friendship is headed towards more (we both agree it’s more prudent to wait until we finish another year of college before dating). Only problem is- I don’t know what I should tell him, when I should tell him, or how … erm… Detailed to make it. Thus far, he only has a general idea that I “made a lot of really stupid choices when I was 15/16”. What should I do?

 

[MJJean]

I think that you should ask him how much he wants to know. Some people want to know only generalities and some feel the need for great detail.

As for when, that’s a bit tricky. I think I would tell him what he needs to know very soon after you begin officially dating. Right now he is a friend and your sexual history isn’t his business. But once you begin dating with the idea that it may lead to marriage your past becomes his business as his past becomes your business.

 

[waanju]

Okay… Do you think that I should wait until we are actually dating, or should I tell him before?

 

[Xantippe]

waanju said:

“Thus far, he only has a general idea that I “made a lot of really stupid choices when I was 15/16”.”

That sounds totally adequate for now.

If you should get engaged, you may or may not want to tell him more (but in the vaguest possible terms–nothing that creates strong visuals that he might have a hard time forgetting).

The thing that I really don’t like is when people say, “I did XYZ, but I don’t want to tell my fiance because if he knew, he won’t want to marry me.” That’s really unfair to the fiance.

I like your phrasing and I think you’re going to do OK.

 

[joshvanrad]

As I’ve been told and as I’ve found out, there’s no real cookie-cutter scenario for this.

If he asks, tell him. If you feel you are called to tell him, do so. But there is no need to do so “just because”. Some people may want to know your history with sexual sins, but others may not. Leave it up to him, and just go with the Spirit.

Joshua C.

 

[Bruised_Reed]

As I’ve been told and as I’ve found out, there’s no real cookie-cutter scenario for this.

(…)

True.

So, as a young teenager, I didn’t get much guidance about sexuality other than “stay a virgin until you’re married”. Everything else was presented as sort of fair game. Without solid guidelines, I found myself resisting at first, then giving in to things boyfriends asked me to do. As I got older and grew in faith, I learned to assert myself and gained the courage to insist upon a chaste relationship (luckily the last of my boyfriends was very understanding and also repented our previous mistakes). I’ve been to confession and amended my ways.
Now, a few years have gone by, and I’ve developed a really strong friendship with a very good and devout young man. This friendship is headed towards more (we both agree it’s more prudent to wait until we finish another year of college before dating). Only problem is- I don’t know what I should tell him, when I should tell him, or how … erm… Detailed to make it. Thus far, he only has a general idea that I “made a lot of really stupid choices when I was 15/16”. What should I do?

That’s it. Stop right there. There is no obligation for you to tell him about your “stupid choices”.
If you had an STI you must disclose this but you do not need to disclose details of your sexual history. Neither does he. If you want to know where he stands have a general conversation with him what is important to each of you. I think there must be a way of having this conversation without the one person learning to say what the other person wants to hear and tailoring the answer to fit that.

Please consider how often you might be sharing this kind of personal information as you date. You aren’t even dating this man (because of this I think you may have shared too much already. This is none of his business.) What if it doesn’t work out (for any of a zillion reasons)? Your personal information is out there and you have no control what he does with it. He could tell a mutual friend and not even mention your name but that friend is savvy enough to know it’s you but this person shares it with anyone who will listen.

The only people that you need to share this information is your confessor and your doctor and they are bound by the seal of confession or doctor/patient confidentiality, respectively. Dates, boyfriends/girlfriends are not. I would hate for you to learn the hard way that this guy is a jerk.

 

[UbiCaritas]

First off, I’d say nothing to him until you were indeed in a relationship, had been for some time, and it was clear that things were getting serious–i.e., you’d been dating for 5-6 months and were discussing the possibility of marriage.

At that point, sex and past relationships in general should be brought up. I say general, not specifics. Guys often have extremely visual imaginations, and especially if he cares about you, he doesn’t want to know precise details. Actually, what you’ve told him is quite enough, though you also, once the time is right, should mention that a) you haven’t had sex and b) you don’t (I assume) have any STDs. He does not need to know that you did A with your (body part) to three guys, and B with two of them, and…you get the idea. “Some really stupid choices when I was 15/16,” with the added information that you don’t have any STDs and haven’t had sex yet, is exactly the right amount of information.

 

[waanju]

First off, I’d say nothing to him until you were indeed in a relationship, had been for some time, and it was clear that things were getting serious–i.e., you’d been dating for 5-6 months and were discussing the possibility .

H

Okay, that seems reasonable. I do think I should say SOMETHING in addition to what I already have, if only because “stupid choices” doesn’t even point at a particular type of stupid choice. It could have been like… Drinking or something random for all he knows currently.

Thanks for all of the responses so far, I appreciate the different ways of thinking about this.

 

[UbiCaritas]

H

Okay, that seems reasonable. I do think I should say SOMETHING in addition to what I already have, if only because “stupid choices” doesn’t even point at a particular type of stupid choice. It could have been like… Drinking or something random for all he knows currently.

Thanks for all of the responses so far, I appreciate the different ways of thinking about this.

Fair enough, and a good point. I’d expand what you said, then, to “I made some really stupid choices with some boyfriends when I was 15/16, but I’ve never had sex, and I don’t have any STDs.” Or something to that general effect.

 

[waanju]

Oops double post

 

[Xantippe]

waanju said:

“I do think I should say SOMETHING in addition to what I already have, if only because “stupid choices” doesn’t even point at a particular type of stupid choice. It could have been like… Drinking or something random for all he knows currently.”

Nope–“stupid choices at 15 and 16” is more than enough.

I think people’s advice is pretty sound as to timing and content. You can always give more information, but you can’t give less than you already have.

 

[UbiCaritas]

You might also think about this from his perspective. You probably do not want to know that when he was 14, he got, erm, “excited” when a scantily-clad woman walked past him. Nor do you want to know if he looked at porn once or twice as a teenager*, what those pictures looked like, and what the women were doing in them. Way. Too. Much. Information. He’ll feel the same way.

*Though for other reasons you definitely do want to know if he has, or has had in the past, a porn addiction.

 

[Bruised_Reed]

H

Okay, that seems reasonable. I do think I should say SOMETHING in addition to what I already have, if only because “stupid choices” doesn’t even point at a particular type of stupid choice. It could have been like… Drinking or something random for all he knows currently.

Thanks for all of the responses so far, I appreciate the different ways of thinking about this.

Why do you want to say more? Does he want to know more? And why? Can you, with certainty, tell the difference between a person’s concern for you, consideration of a shared future or prurient curiosity?

He’s a friend. He cannot absolve you and what don’t mean what the priest does in confession but that thing we sometimes expect from others when we disclose something we are ashamed of. Someone to tell us it’s okay, we are not alone, we’re not damaged goods or even telling someone and the rejection is part of the atonement.

Perhaps you need to confess your sins again so you can really hear the absolution and maybe ask for some counsel to be healed in this area. I think your interest in sharing this kind of personal information is part of the damage that has been done by the whatever mistakes you committed as well as the damage done by sins committed towards you. Jesus has forgotten your sins (as far as the East is from the West) so why bring them back?

 

[Bruised_Reed]

True.

That’s it. Stop right there. There is no obligation for you to tell him about your “stupid choices”.
If you had an STI you must disclose this but you do not need to disclose details of your sexual history.

For clarification: One does not need to go around telling potential dates about STIs one has or had. I know that it should be disclosed if things are serious but unfortunately, I don’t really know the best time to do this. Sorry.

 

[peaceplease]

What is past is past! Only ones that need to be notified are your confessor, and doctor when history is needed.

When you actually are in a relationship and want to discuss it, I still would be careful in disclosing your past. That is in the past, leave it there! If you have confessed it, then it is forgiven. Leave it in the past!!!

Forgive yourself as Jesus has and please move on! Do not continue to punish yourself by sharing your past.

 

[MJJean]

What is past is past! Only ones that need to be notified are your confessor, and doctor when history is needed.

When you actually are in a relationship and want to discuss it, I still would be careful in disclosing your past. That is in the past, leave it there! If you have confessed it, then it is forgiven. Leave it in the past!!!

Forgive yourself as Jesus has and please move on! Do not continue to punish yourself by sharing your past.

Well, that all depends. If a person has had a disease, especially one that doesn’t go away or that could affect fertility, it absolutely needs to be disclosed to a potential spouse. Most Catholics are dating with an eye toward possibly marrying. An awful lot of spouses and potential spouses think that sexual history is important and could feel mislead or even tricked if not told before things get too serious.

 

[joshvanrad]

Well, that all depends. If a person has had a disease, especially one that doesn’t go away or that could affect fertility, it absolutely needs to be disclosed to a potential spouse. Most Catholics are dating with an eye toward possibly marrying. An awful lot of spouses and potential spouses think that sexual history is important and could feel mislead or even tricked if not told before things get too serious.

It doesn’t seem like what we are talking about has reached that magnitude.

I agree that diseases should be disclosed to a VERY serious partner, but aside from that I don’t think there is any requirement to tell them your past sins.

A person wouldn’t tell their partner that they lied about stealing a cookie out of the cookie jar when they were 11, would they? God forgives all sins equally. We should too.

 

[MJJean]

It doesn’t seem like what we are talking about has reached that magnitude.

I agree that diseases should be disclosed to a VERY serious partner, but aside from that I don’t think there is any requirement to tell them your past sins.

A person wouldn’t tell their partner that they lied about stealing a cookie out of the cookie jar when they were 11, would they? God forgives all sins equally. We should too.

I don’t think telling a potential spouse about past sexual sins should be a requirement, either, but I do think disclosure is prudent. It doesn’t have to be detailed, but in general. It’s not about just forgiveness. I can forgive a potential mate his sexual sins of the past (and I have), but forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean I can comfortably live with what that potential spouse did. For some people, sexual history is a deal breaker.

I favor telling whatever you’re going to tell sooner rather than later for just that reason. It seems cruel to wait until a relationship is very serious and then say “Oh, by the way, I did XYZ with 10 guys when I was 17.” Some people would just say “Ok, thanks for telling me.” and others would say “Why didn’t you tell me sooner? That is something I just can’t live with and I can’t believe you waited until we were so deeply involved before telling me!”

When my husband and I were dating and getting to really know each other we sat down and had the talk about our sexual pasts. For us it was somewhere around the 2 month mark. We made our disclosures and took some time to think about it and decide if it was something we could live with. In our case, it wasn’t a problem. And having that talk let us know two things. One, we can trust each other to be honest even when honestly is less than flattering. And two, we can talk to each other about anything. Even uncomfortable subjects.

 

[waanju]

It doesn’t seem like what we are talking about has reached that magnitude.

I agree that diseases should be disclosed to a VERY serious partner, but aside from that I don’t think there is any requirement to tell them your past sins.

A person wouldn’t tell their partner that they lied about stealing a cookie out of the cookie jar when they were 11, would they? God forgives all sins equally. We should too.

Well, it hasn’t reached that magnitude yet. I agree that having a conversation about this NOW would be a bit ridiculous and, frankly, dangerously private. However, if we were to begin dating, it would be with a very serious eye towards marriage. That’s one of the reasons we aren’t dating now- we don’t want to date until graduation (and thus the possibilty of marrying) is reasonably close. Even if that does not happen with this particular person, I do feel that it would be good to tell my future husband SOMETHING, because, as was said, it might not be something he can live with. I would expect and hope that it wouldn’t be a “deal breaker”, but to keep this a secret (for my whole life!) would seem a bit… Deceptive almost.

 

[joshvanrad]

Well, it hasn’t reached that magnitude yet. I agree that having a conversation about this NOW would be a bit ridiculous and, frankly, dangerously private. However, if we were to begin dating, it would be with a very serious eye towards marriage. That’s one of the reasons we aren’t dating now- we don’t want to date until graduation (and thus the possibilty of marrying) is reasonably close. Even if that does not happen with this particular person, I do feel that it would be good to tell my future husband SOMETHING, because, as was said, it might not be something he can live with. I would expect and hope that it wouldn’t be a “deal breaker”, but to keep this a secret (for my whole life!) would seem a bit… Deceptive almost.

Every relationship should be formed with the goal of eventual marriage, so you’re definitely looking at things very logically.

Again, as far as approaching the situation goes I would just go with the Spirit. Some men may not care to know because they love you for who you are now and not what you might have done in the past. Some men might start comparing themselves to the men of your past and it could have a negative mark on them. Some men may want to know the basics and be fine with what they hear because they do not feel threatened by your past. Etc etc. Us, men, are all created differently and we have different mindsets and flaws. I’ve had relationships with girls who have reacted to my past in a variety of different ways. It’s important to keep honest and complete communication open, but if a man doesn’t care to know, please don’t force it on him. You could end up opening a wound that never had to be opened.

Above all, go with what God is telling you to do.

Joshua C.