Talking about sex, morally sinful?

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blueskiesrgs

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I am getting married next summer and I am wondering if there is something wrong with my conscience. Last night, the man I’m marrying and I discussed sex (over the phone, we are over 2000 miles apart at the moment), not in bad, vulgar terms, nothing like I’m so into you, or anything like that. We talked about things like the Theology of the Body and just talked a bit about things like where are the rolls of initiation, French kissing, and a bit more along those lines. At the end of it, he told me that it was wrong and we both have to go to confession. Examining my conscience, I can see that we may have placed ourselves in a near occasion of sin, and thus sinned against prudence. Obviously, it is something we must avoid in the future, but am I wrong in thinking that I do not have to go to confession before receiving Christ in the Eucharist?
 
you whould always go to confession before receiving Christ in the Eucharist. But in this matter, why not stop by the Church and talk to your priest.

and … CONTRAZ for your up coming marriage.😃

AND ONE MORE THING … W E L C 👋 M E … to the forum.
 
It is not wrong for a couple in the proximate preparation for marriage to discuss sexual topics.

I am more concerned that your fiance basically ordered you to go to Confession than I am about your conversation.

No, it’s not mortally sinful to discuss sexual topics with your fiance. It is part of the marriage preparation process and should be discussed to ensure that you are on the same page. It is part of the marriage prep process sponsored at all diocese-- so no it’s not sinful.

If you were discussing things in order to become aroused, that is another matter-- but it doesn’t sound that way to me.
 
1ke said:
It is not wrong for a couple in the proximate preparation for marriage to discuss sexual topics.

I am more concerned that your fiance basically ordered you to go to Confession than I am about your conversation.

No, it’s not mortally sinful to discuss sexual topics with your fiance. It is part of the marriage preparation process and should be discussed to ensure that you are on the same page. It is part of the marriage prep process sponsored at all diocese-- so no it’s not sinful.

If you were discussing things in order to become aroused, that is another matter-- but it doesn’t sound that way to me.
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I agree entirely with this post…
 
blueskiesrgs said:
I am getting married next summer and I am wondering if there is something wrong with my conscience. Last night, the man I’m marrying and I discussed sex (over the phone, we are over 2000 miles apart at the moment), not in bad, vulgar terms, nothing like I’m so into you, or anything like that. We talked about things like the Theology of the Body and just talked a bit about things like where are the rolls of initiation, French kissing, and a bit more along those lines. At the end of it, he told me that it was wrong and we both have to go to confession. Examining my conscience, I can see that we may have placed ourselves in a near occasion of sin, and thus sinned against prudence. Obviously, it is something we must avoid in the future, but am I wrong in thinking that I do not have to go to confession before receiving Christ in the Eucharist?
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I’m not sure that I see a sin here, but if your conscience were troubled, confession would be the best option. If you are 2000 miles apart and didn’t consider engaging in anything immoral to satisfy any lust or longing you had after the conversation, it doesn’t really fit my understanding of inappropriate discussion, or sexual sin.

When we got married, part of the focus of our pre-Cana experience was on learning to communicate about sex. It’s an important topic, and one that should be agreed upon before marriage. I’m not sure if you’ve read “The Good News about Sex and Marriage” by Christopher West, but there is an excellent section in the book about/for engaged couples. It might be helpful for both you and your fiancee.

Congratulations on your upcoming nuptuals!
 
1ke said:
I am more concerned that your fiance basically ordered you to go to Confession than I am about your conversation.
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Is it not the man/husband’s responsiblility to look after the Spiritual welfare of his wife? (Eph 5:25)
I don’t think he ordered as much as strongly suggested or recommended.
 
Thank you, that really helps a lot. And no, he didn’t order, he just strongly encouraged. 🙂
 
dhgray said:
Is it not the man/husband’s responsiblility to look after the Spiritual welfare of his wife? (Eph 5:25)
I don’t think he ordered as much as strongly suggested or recommended.
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Let me elaborate.

He sounds a little on the scrupulous side. If that is so-- this is something that needs discussion and discernment.

You cannot tell from one post, but there are enough people posting on CAF with questions like “I woke up on the left side of the bed, is that a sin?” to take the scrupulosity of a future spouse seriously.

If he **is **scrupulous then she might be in for a lifetime of “suggesting” she go to Confession for imagined sins. It’s a serious issue for some couples.
 
He sounds a little on the scrupulous side. If that is so-- this is something that needs discussion and discernment
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.

In answer to that, yes, in some ways he does tend to be a little bit scrupulous. What should I do about it???
 
blueskiesrgs said:
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In answer to that, yes, in some ways he does tend to be a little bit scrupulous. What should I do about it???
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You can’t do anything about it, it is an internal condition. He has to face it and seek guidance from an spiritual director. Many people who suffer go from mild to more severe over time.

If he doesn’t recognize it or acknowledge it-- then that is a much bigger problem. Does he acknowledge it at all?

His inner conscience, if malformed, can permeate your marriage. Not only how he relates to you, but how he forms your future children morally.

I think you should discuss it with your own pastor and/or spiritual advisor and see what they say about being married to a scrupulous person and how to handle it. It is definitely something you should bring up in your pre-marriage counseling as a couple.

I, personally, could not be married to a person suffering from scrupulosity. That’s me.
 
If he doesn’t recognize it or acknowledge it-- then that is a much bigger problem. Does he acknowledge it at all?
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He does acknowledge it. I have known people with very severe scrupulosity problems and he seems to have a more mild form of it.
 
blueskiesrgs said:
He does acknowledge it. I have known people with very severe scrupulosity problems and he seems to have a more mild form of it.
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Well then, work on it together, pray, both seek spiritual direction-- and don’t be afraid to call him on it if he is being scrupulous (in a charitable way).
 
Here is a quote from the document “Preparation for the Sacrament of Marriage” from the Vatican’s website:
“35. The engaged should receive instruction regarding the natural requirements of the interpersonal relationship between a man and a woman in God’s plan for marriage and the family: awareness regarding freedom of consent as the foundation of their union, the unity and indissolubility of marriage, the correct concept of responsible parenthood, the human aspects of conjugal sexuality, the conjugal act with its requirements and ends, and the proper education of children. All of this is aimed at knowing the moral truth and forming the personal conscience.”

The marital embrace is an important part of marriage and should be present in the preparation for marriage, as you can see above it is mentioned in this document. A couple also needs to be prudent and make sure the conversations are motivated as a preparation for marriage and not self-indulging. With that said, you mentioned your conversation was about the Theology of the Body (sounds like marriage prep) and french kissing etc (I dunno).
Unfortunately the secular world acts as if the Catholic Church thinks sex is taboo or something, which is very incorrect, yet may lead some to be scrupulous in that area. Our Church openly celebrates the beauty of the union between a husband and wife. On the other hand, the periods of dating and engagement offer great temptations in the purity area, so a couple must be careful to be prudent. I agree with 1ke in that if done for preparation it is fine, if done for arousal then its wrong.
I do disagree with the statement that we need to go to confession always to receive the Eucharist. It would be ideal to have an immaculate soul when receiving, but the Church says we can receive as long as we are in grace (not in mortal sin) and duly prepared (1 hr fast, etc). If one is in mortal sin, yes one has to go to confession, but if not it is not necessary to receive.
 
blueskiesrgs said:
I am getting married next summer and I am wondering if there is something wrong with my conscience. Last night, the man I’m marrying and I discussed sex (over the phone, we are over 2000 miles apart at the moment), not in bad, vulgar terms, nothing like I’m so into you, or anything like that. We talked about things like the Theology of the Body and just talked a bit about things like where are the rolls of initiation, French kissing, and a bit more along those lines. At the end of it, he told me that it was wrong and we both have to go to confession. Examining my conscience, I can see that we may have placed ourselves in a near occasion of sin, and thus sinned against prudence. Obviously, it is something we must avoid in the future, but am I wrong in thinking that I do not have to go to confession before receiving Christ in the Eucharist?
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You must talk to your future spouse about sex. You could be in for a very sorry situation otherwise. You must know where that person stands in terms with the church’s teaching on sex, contraception, husband always ejaculating inside the woman, etc. If you don’t discuss this, you could be dealing with a contraceptive spouse and be stuck with that. That is not good.

There’s nothing wrong with it in those terms. Now, if you were talking this way soley for the purpose of getting all aroused and excited, then that would be sinful. But it must be discussed. Once it is discussed, and you are certain and satisfied that the other is in line with Church teaching, then be done with it. Jesus would want you to know those boundaries and lines, since they are potential mortal sins, and you don’t want to marry someone who would place you in a constant situation of mortal sin. :nope:

I see nothing wrong here. But like some other posters have said, you may discuss it with a priest to help you know what is just discussing future marriage and what is sinful. 👍
 
My spouse and I do marriage prep for our diocese. And discussing sex is healthy for an engaged couple. In fact is part of the FOCCUS inventory which many diocese’s use for marriage prep. There is a wonderful magazine we also recommend, and there are also e-newsletter articles that you can read as well…that deals with the intimacy of a marriage covenant.

christianitytoday.com/marriage

Sounds to us that you are doing something right. After all, God created Sex…and God is love…and sex is the method, God gave married couples to culminate their permanent love…in the creation of a child. God bless you on your upcoming wedding.
 
Two people preparing to marry can’t discuss sex without it being a sin? Huh?

Honestly, this raises red flags for me over a completely different issue from scupulosity, which has been discussed. I worry that your fiance may have some wierd hangup about sex ITSELF being sinful or dirty. You will never be able to have any kind of healthy sex life with a person who has that attitude. Many people are raised, still, with unhealthy attitudes about sexuality, and you do NOT want to be married to one who has not overcome it. Sex is a gift and it is beautiful, it bonds spouses and builds their affection, along with their family.

That would be the next issue I would discuss with him, if I were you. His reaction just seems very odd to me.
 
The only thing I could see where he has a point would be if something in the discussion got him “aroused”. But if that is the case, then confession might be necessary for him, and he should communicate to you that at a certain point the talk is getting him aroused (as well as he should talk to a priest about this if it really concerns him).
 
blueskiesrgs said:
He does acknowledge it. I have known people with very severe scrupulosity problems and he seems to have a more mild form of it.
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I’d be very cautious. My mom was scrupulous in the area of sexuality and it had some pretty ugly, dire affects on us kids.
 
1ke said:
His inner conscience, if malformed, can permeate your marriage. Not only how he relates to you, but how he forms your future children morally.

I.
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This would be my concern. An overly scrupulous person tends to project their own hangups on others. You already have him telling you that YOU need to go to confession because HE feels guilty for what sounds like a very necessary and moral conversation about sex. And this was just a conversation! What about when you finally are married and actually having sex? Will he be able to enter into the marriage act with you as something intrinsically glorious and beautiful and joyful, or will he try to convince you that the whole thing is somehow shameful and dirty?

This would be a a red light for me in your marriage prep, and something to take up with him and a spiritual director. If his view of sex is malformed, it will not suddenly rectify itself once you are married and sex becomes “legitimate.”
 
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