Talking to boyfriend about pornography

[Sarahconvert05]

Hi everyone!

This is one of my first posts on here. I need advice on how to talk to my boyfriend about something quite important - pornography. He is a non-Catholic, believes in God but is pretty much in line with what the rest of the world teaches on the subject of sexuality.

I’d really like to be able to get through to him on this issue as I feel it is crucial to having a healthy relationship that he isn’t into that stuff (not that I believe he looks at it much but it worries me that he doesn’t think it’s a problem).

I realise I may get some responses that I shouldn’t be with a guy like this, but at the moment I’m just praying tons and tons and hoping that with time God will change his heart! I’ve already seen some big changes in the time I’ve known him so I’m hopeful! If not, well, further down the line I guess some decisions would have to be made.

How can I talk to him without appearing ‘naggy’? Are there any really good secular websites and books that give concrete reasons why porn is bad? So far I’ve been running into problems because if something is overtly ‘religious’ he assumes it’s biased. Personal testimonies and emotional arguments don’t work too well either, so I need something that is completely based on facts and statistics…

Thanks for any help you can offer!

Sarah

 

[DJgang]

dads.org

Steve Wood’s website has alot of information.

Does he not care that most of those women in those movies have been sexually abused as little girls?

Does he not care that he is hurting his own soul?

(Our Lady at Fatima - more souls go to Hell for sins of the flesh)

This is bad. I pray that you can be strong in your faith and not allow this corruption of porn to harm you.

Maybe some men, who have been there and have suffered from this horrible addiction can give you some resources.

But really dear, pray for him and leave him if he can’t be chaste in you relationship. He’s already having sex with other women if he’s involved in porn.

 

[hasikelee]

Christopher West really shows off the good news about our Faith and he went through his own journey from sexual immorality to chastity. He has several books and DVDs just for men on sexual purity. www.christopherwest.com If nothing else, his engaging talks could at least show your bf that Catholicism isn’t putting sex in a dusty drawer.

e5.org is another site, where men and women pledge to fast for their significant others.

Also, it might help him to learn about pornography and other sexual behaviors (premarital sex, birth control, abortion) in detail. Plenty of non-Christian people do not use porn, the pill or have sex before marriage because of very good non-religious reasons.

Having him follow the money in the porn industry, read up on women who have escaped the porn industry, counsel women at an abortion clinic to see their tragic situations and learn about sexual diseases can bring a new appreciation to the whole topic.

 

[robert_ambrose]

ask him how he would feel if there were photos of you, his sister or even his mother were shown in those books

 

[rpp]

This “sticky” thread here on CAF has a good deal of information regarding porn and chastity. It is aimed primarily at men, but women can certainly benefit as well.

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=55427

 

[BamaRider]

Hi everyone!

This is one of my first posts on here. I need advice on how to talk to my boyfriend about something quite important - pornography. He is a non-Catholic, believes in God but is pretty much in line with what the rest of the world teaches on the subject of sexuality.

I’d really like to be able to get through to him on this issue as I feel it is crucial to having a healthy relationship that he isn’t into that stuff (not that I believe he looks at it much but it worries me that he doesn’t think it’s a problem).

I realise I may get some responses that I shouldn’t be with a guy like this, but at the moment I’m just praying tons and tons and hoping that with time God will change his heart! I’ve already seen some big changes in the time I’ve known him so I’m hopeful! If not, well, further down the line I guess some decisions would have to be made.

How can I talk to him without appearing ‘naggy’? Are there any really good secular websites and books that give concrete reasons why porn is bad? So far I’ve been running into problems because if something is overtly ‘religious’ he assumes it’s biased. Personal testimonies and emotional arguments don’t work too well either, so I need something that is completely based on facts and statistics…

Thanks for any help you can offer!

Sarah

I dunno Sarah, seems to be red flags waving in several places about this guy. Sit back and take a long look at things.

Look at him as he is now, not at who you think you can change him into. You are a faithful Catholic, do you really want to be with a guy like this, or is it your hope you can change him to something else?

 

[royal_archer]

Your post is a bit vage. I understand if you don’t want to go into detail (if so consider these rhetorical) but how significant of a problem is it? Is he using adult magazines as an active form of “entertainment”? Does he have magazines from earlier in his life? Does he find find the pictures appealing but is not actively seeking them out? Does he not have a personal interest but is defending what he sees as a right in general for men to look at it if they choose?

Please note that some will not make such distinctions and will categorize men at the extremes of “never wanted to look” or “addicted”. I am assuming you are past the cassual dating stage and are going steady or considering engagement/ marriage. If he is more interested in the magazines than in you there is a problem. If he is more interested in you than the magazines you have a different problem but one that may be easier to address. If the latter is the case you may be able to have a heart felt conversation about your feelings towards the material and let him know you don’t want the material putting your relation with him at risk.

 

[cathcath1]

I agree with the above poster that you should look into reading Christopher West’s stuff. He’s brilliant and he answers questions that he had once a hard time accepting.

I feel before you can really start to talk about the evils of pornography, you need to start talking about the evils of using others as objects (lust.) Start by learning just how God made our bodies.

You might ask him what he thinks the harm is that something is “religious.” After all, everything we are, everything that we have and know came from God. Without Him, we’d pretty much be nothing.

Perhaps remind him that he’s part of the ultimate statistic- 10 out of 10 people die, and has he ever thought about the state of his soul after death?

These are just a few things to think and reflect on. Of course people can change…my fiance has grown by leaps and bounds since we first started dating, but remember that is not very common, unfortunately.

God bless you and keep on prayin’!

 

[Harmony1988]

Does he not care that most of those women in those movies have been sexually abused as little girls?

This is quite untrue, a lot of pornstars are college girls looking for extra money, there is no evidence to suggest that most of the women in porn have been sexually abused as girls.

Does he not care that he is hurting his own soul?

He should care, but it’s highly unlikely asking him this question will work.

(Our Lady at Fatima - more souls go to Hell for sins of the flesh)

This is bad. I pray that you can be strong in your faith and not allow this corruption of porn to harm you.

This is probably true, but remember he isn’t Catholic.

But really dear, pray for him and leave him if he can’t be chaste in you relationship. He’s already having sex with other women if he’s involved in porn.

This is not true if you meant physically, spiritually yes.

 

[Harmony1988]

How can I talk to him without appearing ‘naggy’? Are there any really good secular websites and books that give concrete reasons why porn is bad? So far I’ve been running into problems because if something is overtly ‘religious’ he assumes it’s biased. Personal testimonies and emotional arguments don’t work too well either, so I need something that is completely based on facts and statistics…

Thanks for any help you can offer!

Sarah

Secular websites would be the US statistics for divorce and such. However it would be difficult to directly show that porn has caused such a thing since they only offere statistics for the increase in divorces and such over the years. In essence it’s a plethora of things that John Paul II termed as the ‘culture of death’

Pornography, abortion, contraception, etc. This is not easy to follow up on, but the information exists, PM me later and I will try to find some information for you because I have seen this stuff, but not for the next few days because my internet has been slowed down for overuse. I will PM you if I remember, but don’t expect this to be entirely easy, you will have to look up things carefully, pray about it and present what you know to him and proper evidence.

One thing I can tell you is, you should not marry him until his opinion of pornography is gone. It’s bad enough that many guys watch pornography with the parents disapproving, how much worse would it be if the father approves?

One of the best lines you can use is, ‘would you mind if I did a show for some guy?’ or something along those lines, I don’t mean any disrespect, but you do get what I’m saying, it’s to get him thinking. If pornography is fine and he sees no problem in men ‘sharing’ women, then he shouldn’t have any problem with you exposing yourself on the internet should he ?

 

[Sarahconvert05]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for the advice… I really don’t see why most of you have to be so instantly negative about my relationship with my boyfriend though, based on my first post. I realise it’s not ideal but he is a great person and has grown a lot in the time I have known him. Also I have a very good priest that I see quite regularly and he doesn’t seem to be nearly as negative about this situation as you were!

Asking him to consider the state of his soul, and making wild claims that porn actresses were all sex abuse victims in childhood is not going to help. Also he is not having sex with other women, in any sense! As far as I know, he looks at porn rarely if ever and he doesn’t have any porn magazines or anything of that sort. It’s just that I want him to understand why it is bad, based on concrete evidence.

I’ll check out those websites anyway.

 

[DJgang]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for the advice… I really don’t see why most of you have to be so instantly negative about my relationship with my boyfriend though, based on my first post. I realise it’s not ideal but he is a great person and has grown a lot in the time I have known him. Also I have a very good priest that I see quite regularly and he doesn’t seem to be nearly as negative about this situation as you were!

Asking him to consider the state of his soul, and making wild claims that porn actresses were all sex abuse victims in childhood is not going to help. Also he is not having sex with other women, in any sense! As far as I know, he looks at porn rarely if ever and he doesn’t have any porn magazines or anything of that sort. It’s just that I want him to understand why it is bad, based on concrete evidence.

I’ll check out those websites anyway.

Then…what exactly was the reason for your original post again?

Porn is something to be negative about regardless of what it consists of…He looks at porn rarely? Dear, are you with him 24 hours a day, seven days a week?

You want him to understand that porn is bad and why it is bad…well, I think most of us gave you some good reasons. Sorry that they seem negative.

And yes, if he is looking at porn he is having sex with those women, in his mind. Matthew 5:28

How does this make you feel? Are you going to be pressured into having sex with him because you know that he looks at porn? (I ask because I have experienced this in my life and it does happen, I am only concerned for you being with a guy who watches, or whatever, porn)

You don’t have to answer me.

You asked for opinions and you got them. Maybe you need to check out more websites for secular reasons porn is wrong…as for me, personally, I can’t you any more reasons other then those already mentioned. Maybe I shouldn’t have even posted, but I did, because…well, I see myself in you just a little bit (as previously mentioned)

God bless.

 

[DJgang]

*The Truth behind the Fantasy of Porn *
by Shelley Lubben - Former Porn Actress

*It’s safe to say most women who turn to porn acting as a money-making enterprise, probably didn’t grow up in healthy childhoods either. Indeed, many actresses admit they’ve experienced sexual abuse, physical abuse, verbal abuse and neglect by parents. Some were raped by relatives and molested by neighbors. When we were little girls we wanted to play with dollies and be mommies, not have big scary men get on top of us. So we were taught at a young age that sex made us valuable. The same horrible violations we experienced then, we relive as we perform our tricks in front of the camera. And we hate every minute of it. We’re traumatized little girls living on anti-depressants, drugs and alcohol acting out our pain in front of you who continue to abuse us. *

This is a word document, not a website that I found. I’ve heard this before and will continue to look for resources on my wild claim. God bless, Dana

freewebs.com/mypainfulsmiles/sexindustry.htm

 

[buckr02]

Are there any really good secular websites and books that give concrete reasons why porn is bad?

pureloveclub.net is the secular version of pureloveclub.com and has a lot of useful information and reasons to practice chastity (including getting rid of the porn).

 

[1ke]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for the advice… I really don’t see why most of you have to be so instantly negative about my relationship with my boyfriend though, based on my first post. I realise it’s not ideal but he is a great person and has grown a lot in the time I have known him. Also I have a very good priest that I see quite regularly and he doesn’t seem to be nearly as negative about this situation as you were!

Because we bang our heads against this same wall day after day.

Many of us do not understand why otherwise rational, intelligent women date men who do not share their values, beliefs, and faith. We don’t understand why you would want to expend so much energy in a dating relationship to change someone (or pray that God does). Dating is for the purpose of discerning marriage. When you get to the point where you discern you have different values and beliefs-- that is the point where you end the relationship. Men are not fix-er-up projects, but women can’t let it alone. If you have ever read the Dr. Laura book “Ten Stupid Things Women Do…” this is at the TOP of the list.

Why not date CATHOLIC men who embrace church teaching instead of men who won’t even read religious material because it’s “biased”.

What future does that have??? None.

Asking him to consider the state of his soul, and making wild claims that porn actresses were all sex abuse victims in childhood is not going to help. Also he is not having sex with other women, in any sense! As far as I know, he looks at porn rarely if ever and he doesn’t have any porn magazines or anything of that sort. It’s just that I want him to understand why it is bad, based on concrete evidence.

I’ll check out those websites anyway.

So what was your point in coming on a Catholic website to ask advice on dating a man who isn’t Catholic, isn’t particularly religious, has no problem with pornography? (and as you implied embraces secular thought on sexuality in general… which I can only take to mean ok with premarital sex, masterbation, porn, cohabitiation, and contraception)

Of course we are going to give you Catholic answers on why porn is bad, and also on why dating outside your faith is a bad idea.

 

[buckr02]

…

and making wild claims that porn actresses were all sex abuse victims in childhood is not going to help.

…

That’s not exactly a “wild claim,” and is pretty accurate. That’s not to say EVERY porn star was abused as a child, but you can bet that a very very large percentage of them were. The porn industry really abuses these women in ways no one can really understand if you haven’t looked into the “behind the scenes” portion of it all.

 

[Harmony1988]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for the advice… I really don’t see why most of you have to be so instantly negative about my relationship with my boyfriend though, based on my first post.

Many of us guys, if not all in the internet age have been through it and we know precisely how other guys’ minds work regarding these issues, and how horrible it is. So when we hear about guys being in relationships whilst addicted to porn we all predict a similar mishap, this is not purely my own opinion but also what I’ve heard from others and speakers like Jason Evert who has addressed these issues.

I realise it’s not ideal but he is a great person and has grown a lot in the time I have known him.

This can be perfectly true, no one is ideal and he can be a good enough person, but I don’t think you quite understand the implication of pornography for marriages, especially a marriage where the woman is opposed to it.

Also I have a very good priest that I see quite regularly and he doesn’t seem to be nearly as negative about this situation as you were!

I am worried about what priests are now saying about pornography issues, trust me, I’m a guy and I have gone to confession over this several times, everytime the priest says not to worry about it and it’s perfectly natural and that God is very forgiving.

Asking him to consider the state of his soul, and making wild claims that porn actresses were all sex abuse victims in childhood is not going to help.

The person who said that was wrong, it was rather ridiculous yes.

Also he is not having sex with other women, in any sense! As far as I know, he looks at porn rarely if ever and he doesn’t have any porn magazines or anything of that sort. It’s just that I want him to understand why it is bad, based on concrete evidence.

According to Jesus he is. ‘But I tell you now, anyone that looks at a woman in lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart’

It’s just that I want him to understand why it is bad, based on concrete evidence.

Tell us in your own words why pornography is bad then.

All in all this appears to be totally different to your first post.

 

[Harmony1988]

That’s not exactly a “wild claim,” and is pretty accurate. That’s not to say EVERY porn star was abused as a child, but you can bet that a very very large percentage of them were. The porn industry really abuses these women in ways no one can really understand if you haven’t looked into the “behind the scenes” portion of it all.

Where oh where did you get such information, because I haven’t heard such a thing ebfore that a very large percentage are women who have been sexually abused. I would like some kind of link from a reliable source that says this.

It makes far more sense that a lot of pornstars are young women who are not interested in having sex with random men but in the money, money for what? Money to get through college mainly, and unfortunately with the amount of money coming in, many stay in that industry.

 

[shannyk]

The person who said that was wrong, it was rather ridiculous yes.

Harmony I’d look further int that if I were you before you say it’s ridiculous. There is a sex slave industry that is enormous beyond your imagination, exploiting young women(and men/boys) from all corners of the globe. Many of them are kept against their will under threat of violence. They receive no money and are kept in totally inhumane conditions. On the internet you can see almost any age person, of any race, engaged in the most disgusting and dehumanizing acts imaginable. If that isn’t abuse, than I don’t know what is.

Now, if you are talking about porn in the sense of the girls gone wild type of thing, with ‘college girls doing it for the money’ as you said, I would bet money a good number of them are victims of abuse as well, and probably were promiscuous at early ages. In any case, they are displaying grossly disordered behavior which shouldn’t be dismissed in any way.

Sarah, I’m sorry but I agree 100% with 1ke. It doesn’t seem to me like you even think porn is as big a deal as it is. I think you need to do some soul searching and find out more about the purpose of marriage and dating, and if you are ready for that yet, because from what you have said I don’t think you are.:twocents:

If you search my posts, you will find a thread about this subject. I started a thread about my former significant other who I discovered was looking at porn. I think I got about 30 PM’s from women saying that they were in the same boat but married with husbands looking at it or addicted to it, and how it was ruining their marriage, and how the wife had no admiration, trust, for her husband anymore. Then there is the aspect of how it affects the children, which is really really sad.

Take this seriously Sarah. If you don’t you may regret it for the rest of your life.

 

[rpp]

Where oh where did you get such information, because I haven’t heard such a thing ebfore that a very large percentage are women who have been sexually abused. I would like some kind of link from a reliable source that says this.

It makes far more sense that a lot of pornstars are young women who are not interested in having sex with random men but in the money, money for what? Money to get through college mainly, and unfortunately with the amount of money coming in, many stay in that industry.

I have heard this from former porn stars who left the industry, look at the lives of Linda Lovelace who left and became a Christian and a current star, Jenna Jameson who boasts about how her father raped her. Many, though clearly not all, were sexually abused as children or teens. By it very nature, the porn industry abuses all the “models”.