Talking to family about Christmas gifts

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gmarie21

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So this year we are struggling pretty bad (yes, I know a lot of people are). My husband does not have enough work lined up for us to meet our monthly expenses, let alone to look at buying gifts for our kids or others. Now, talking to my in-laws about not exchanging gifts for the kids will be easy (they all are struggling too), but talking to my family is a different story. Have any of you had to do this and how did you approach it? My brother has no problems with bragging about the $20,000 he spent on his new deck, in addition to his family vacations, etc. I see my niece daily (we watch her in daycare), but my nephew only once or twice a month. I don’t think that my niece would notice nor care (she’s 4) but my nephew, brother, and sister-in-law would notice. Normally I wouldn’t care what they think (I’ve been poor before) but they already do not like my husband, and now they will think even worse of him because he can’t “provide” for his family. I just don’t want to make this strain even more noticeable to my mom. My brother and I already have had one falling out right after I got married because I wasn’t grateful for his gift in addition to being hurt by his lack of involvement in my wedding day (though I gave him a very thoughtful gift for his wedding in addition to being very involved in his wedding day, like I said, he isn’t my husband’s biggest fan).

Ugh, what to do? Any suggestions? The “presents” pressure of holidays is what I have ALWAYS hated about Christmas celebrations.

Thank you for any advice
 
I have been on both sides of finances… years where we were able to give generously, and other years where it’s been very tight.
I can say, that when we were able to give, we were doing so generously and not expecting equivalents back… in full truth, it was really a *joy *to be able to give. So in many ways I don’t want to tell you to just outright say “we can’t do gifts this year” because that can take away the joy of giving for those who can.

What about handmade gifts? Simple things from the dollar store? Gifts of food (desserts and treats)? “Coupons” to babysit the kids so the adults can have a date night? “Movie night” hosted at your house for all the cousins to get together?
There are plenty of ways to GIVE without spending a ton… plus, that doesn’t take away the joy of letting others give to you. They MAY be excited to share with you, knowing that you can’t have a big celebration yourselves.

Just some things to consider… and prayers that all comes together in peace and focusing on the moment, not on the gifts. 🙂
 
I come from a poor family and we’re all pretty open about what we can afford to give and what we can’t. We ask ahead of time what folks want and then measure that against what we can afford. I’m a big believer in it’s the thought that counts so I look for gifts that person will really enjoy they may cost a bit or may not. Some years are better than others. I would tell your family you have to buy gifts on a budget and will look for gifts they would enjoy over expensive material stuff. If they want expensive material stuff they shouldn’t expect you to provide or match what they want they should buy that stuff for themselves. If they don’t appreciate what you give them then maybe don’t give them anything but a card if they are the complaining type. Or just tell everyone you don’t want gifts or maybe another idea is to pull names from a hat at thanksgiving that way people only have to buy a gift for one person. I don’t like the idea of people expecting a certain gift or a certain amount of gratitude for a gift. If they want that it’s really all about them and not the gift at all.

I like the idea of hand making gifts or buying stuff early now on sale a little at a time instead of all at once. This is what I do. Craft fairs or art fairs are a good place to get unique stuff which is the type of stuff I like to give. Also with all the online outlets you can shop fairly inexpensively way ahead of time. Hope these ideas help.
 
You know, I would advocate prayer bouquets, or something of the sort. Easy to manufacture, cheap, and everyone could always use the prayer and thoughtfulness behind the prayer.

I may just do that myself this year.
 
I suggest presenting it as “here is what we are doing” so as to set expectations. No need to elaborate or give reasons. No need to defend or ask others to take the approach.

This is what I did about 3 years ago. I simply sent an email (our families on both sides are pretty spread out geograhically) and said that we would be giving small gifts to nieces/nephews and did not plan to give presents to our siblings, parents, or other extended family. Some people still got us gifts, for which I graciously thanked them. But we did not give gifts to anyone except nieces/nephews.

You can only control your own situation, you cannot control what they do or their emotions. Don’t even try.

If you cannot afford gifts for anyone, then simply say, “In order to set expectations for the holiday season, please be aware we are starting a new tradition in our immediate family and will be focuseed on the religious aspects of the Advent and Chrstmas season. Our holiday will not include gift giving to friends or extended family.”
 
gmarie21 said:
So this year we are struggling pretty bad (yes, I know a lot of people are). My husband does not have enough work lined up for us to meet our monthly expenses, let alone to look at buying gifts for our kids or others. Now, talking to my in-laws about not exchanging gifts for the kids will be easy (they all are struggling too), but talking to my family is a different story. Have any of you had to do this and how did you approach it? My brother has no problems with bragging about the $20,000 he spent on his new deck, in addition to his family vacations, etc. I see my niece daily (we watch her in daycare), but my nephew only once or twice a month. I don’t think that my niece would notice nor care (she’s 4) but my nephew, brother, and sister-in-law would notice. Normally I wouldn’t care what they think (I’ve been poor before) but they already do not like my husband, and now they will think even worse of him because he can’t “provide” for his family. I just don’t want to make this strain even more noticeable to my mom. My brother and I already have had one falling out right after I got married because I wasn’t grateful for his gift in addition to being hurt by his lack of involvement in my wedding day (though I gave him a very thoughtful gift for his wedding in addition to being very involved in his wedding day, like I said, he isn’t my husband’s biggest fan).

Ugh, what to do? Any suggestions? The “presents” pressure of holidays is what I have ALWAYS hated about Christmas celebrations.

Thank you for any advice
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Remind them Christmas is about Christ and not the secularized santa claus and buying and trading presents. That takes away from Christ.
 
We encounter this nearly every year. My husband was a late-life surprise for his parents, and his siblings are 10 and 14 years older than we are. With that, we are at very different points in our lives. Their careers are established, their income is reliable, their children are pre-teens… We are a young married couple with a toddler, who just managed to buy our first home, with student debt and child care and all of these things to pay for. We scrape to get by. Each year, they want to do an entire family gift exchange. One present from each person, for each person. Last year, I made needlepoint for everybody. It was inexpensive, but took so much time. The sad part is, nobody seemed to care for it.

Hopefully your family will be different. 🙂 Just let them know up front that you won’t be buying gifts for everyone this year. Maybe you can even come up with a different suggestion, like offering a prayer exchange like Lochias mentioned. But however you approach it, please don’t let undue pressure and stress about this interrupt your and your direct family’s goals, and certainly don’t let it get in the way of the beautiful season that is Christmas.

My prayers are with you!
 
I am a huge fan of handmade gifts like the previous posts mentioned; and I think I’m very particular at times, that when I do make it, it has to look amazing. The only downside to this, is that, it takes up more time than actually to buy it. But hey, we’re the ones saving money, so it’s all good 👍

I tend to look at the person and try to figure out what they want/need. Gifts for kids are easy because I tend to look at their growth and development needs.

For your niece who is 4 years, I do find that they are into exploring and trying to figure things/ the surroundings out. If she’s into Dora, or the princesses or the Barbies (although princesses and Barbies are more really for the later 5 and above years old), then, I suggest make a coloring book and bind it nicely. You can print some writing material in there too so they can practice. The best part about it is you can personalize it. If you really want a Christmas-themed gift, then try and find Christmas stencils online. You can even make it into a book for story-time, as they colour it in. You can go to the closest dollar store and purchase some crayons for her. Cost? Ink + Printer + Paper (which hopefully you’d already have) and 1$ for the crayons.

For your nephew, I’m not quite sure how old he is, but if he is nearing adolescent age (which it kinda sounds like he is, but I’m really just taking a guess), they’re really more for independence, soo. What I would do is get a nice t-shirt from the dollar store and photo printing paper for t-shirts from Wal-Mart (these are like 8 dollars) and you can personally make and print shirts. Because the photo papers come in three’s, you can also just make a shirt for your brother and your sister-in-law as well. First find out what they like. If your nephew likes a certain band/movie/actor/actress, print it, and you can even personalize it by saying his or name on the shirt with their favourite’s name. Same goes for your brother and your sister-in-law.

I normally tend to add a prayer card for each gift I give, so there’s a special meaning to it. One time, I made the prayer card out of bookmarks (given I have a laminator; but you can still make them without), and personalized them by putting the person’s name on it.

Presentation is always key when giving. Honestly, it doesn’t have to be a really extremely high-priced present, but I think if it’s wrapped or placed in a bag properly, and looks appealing, it will get some attention from anyone.

God bless and more power to you!! 🙂
 
Rockford ? I remember that being high unemployment area when the economy was better… Must be a lot worse now… hang in there !

For the kids, find a way to give them something even if its just a token/trinket gift, handmade or something. They’ll be upset its not as big a gift as before but at least they can’t say you didn’t give them anything at all. For the adults tell them how it is. If they are grown up they’ll understand if not… well it is what it is.

In our family situation we are unilaterally capping the $$ value of gifts to other adult family members ( ironically we are the only ones with kids ). Previous years we spent a good bit more on some of the adults. We’ve let them know in advance. Some have bought into the idea some are upset at the whole idea. We’ve told them how we are doing it. They can always spend more but they need to know they aren’t going to see similar from us. Times are hard all around right now.
 
I was in this same boat last year (and looks like probably this year, too). I made several batches of different kinds of cookies and some brownies, put them in cute little tins and gave each of my nephews and niece their own tin. To say they were elated would be an understatement! 😉 I also attached little boxes of fruit juice and chocolate milk to them. They LOVED them, it didn’t cost much and they didn’t even miss the fact that they didn’t get toys from me.

I also made batches of cookies for the rest of the family as well as giving them little dollar store items that I knew they would enjoy. Christmas is about the birth of our Savior, not about how much money we spend on each other. If your brother has an issue with that, let that be HIS issue and not yours. Don’t let this special time be overshadowed by worrying about getting this person or that person a certain type of gift.

Prayers are with you! 🙂
 
I’d limit the gift giving to the kids alone. I’m a bargain shopper and always head to the sale sign in any store upscale or not. You can pick up lots of things for a dollar or less. Our church’s religious shop has a basket of free things for anyone who wants them. Most are new but others are sacramentals that families hae turned in. Thrift shops have great things as do garage sales. Making and baking are good too but sometimes that can be expensive.
 
My mom told us that Jesus got three gifts for His birthday I shouldn’t expect to get more than Jesus. Celebrate 12 days of Christmas by having family meals every day and have everyone share their favorite scripture or their favorite miriacle Jesus did. I think Jesus wouldn’t be happy that His birth has turned into this huge Commercial holiday that has caused people to go into debt and cause people to hate the holiday. I think Saint Nicholas would be mortified that he has basically replaced Jesus on Christmas and his legacy is that of chariature of who he really was. We give ornaments to one in our extended family like aunts and uncles and cousins because ornaments last longer and are more meaningful than a gift card over time you will always remember the ornament and who gave it to you.
 
I would try to give some sort of gift, even if it’s a loaf of homemade pumpkin bread or some cookies and a card from the dollar store. I would think that your family would understand that times are hard and be happy to see how much you love them. I feel really icky when I’ve had relatives tell me in advance that they don’t want presents because they don’t have the money to buy gifts for others. Last year, my sister had no job and was living with friends, but she and her daughter spent hours pasting glitter on pinecones they found in the park in order to give ornaments to their loved ones. I love to give gifts to my family and I can’t always afford the most pretentious, expensive gift, but I hope that what I can afford is appreciated. That attitude seems like, “Well I can’t afford anything that is worthwhile, so let’s just call the whole thing off.” It makes me really sad, like people really don’t understand the point of giving gifts in the first place. If you really don’t want to give any gifts at all, then don’t make others feel bad if they want to give gifts. For alot of people, it is still better to give than recieve.
 
Handmade gifts or bake something like cookies. One of the things I remember from my childhood Christmases was that my grandfather (on my dad’s side) would make stollen (a friult bread) for everybody in the family. :):):):christmastree1:
 
Here are my thoughts.

I am a frank type of person (you might have noticed) so I would be right up-front about my situation. “We’re in some tough financial times right now and Christmas gifts from the store are simply not in our budget this year. So, we’ve decided to offer our time and care to you instead.”

Offer: Pet-sitting, house-sitting, cleaning, an afternoon tea party, baking (they pick what you bake), cake decorating for birthdays, calligraphy, a singing telegram, babysitting, car-washing, dog-walking, dog-bathing, yard work, gardening, cooking, canning, etc. etc. etc.

Or if you have a particular hobby such as sewing, make something cute for every child. Puppets are always fun. If you draw, draw a personalized sketch or cartoon for their room. Make a collage.

People buy stuff because actually making something or doing acts of service takes more time and love than buying a little knick-knack or a toy!

One other alternative is contributing to a charity in the name of the entire family, like Heifers International. Yes, you’d still spend a little money, but you could actually buy a farm animal for a family in a poor country. I always thought that would be extra-cool and special.
 
UntimelyGiggles said:
I am a huge fan of handmade gifts like the previous posts mentioned; and I think I’m very particular at times, that when I do make it, it has to look amazing. The only downside to this, is that, it takes up more time than actually to buy it. But hey, we’re the ones saving money, so it’s all good 👍

I tend to look at the person and try to figure out what they want/need. Gifts for kids are easy because I tend to look at their growth and development needs.

For your niece who is 4 years, I do find that they are into exploring and trying to figure things/ the surroundings out. If she’s into Dora, or the princesses or the Barbies (although princesses and Barbies are more really for the later 5 and above years old), then, I suggest make a coloring book and bind it nicely. You can print some writing material in there too so they can practice. The best part about it is you can personalize it. If you really want a Christmas-themed gift, then try and find Christmas stencils online. You can even make it into a book for story-time, as they colour it in. You can go to the closest dollar store and purchase some crayons for her. Cost? Ink + Printer + Paper (which hopefully you’d already have) and 1$ for the crayons.

For your nephew, I’m not quite sure how old he is, but if he is nearing adolescent age (which it kinda sounds like he is, but I’m really just taking a guess), they’re really more for independence, soo. What I would do is get a nice t-shirt from the dollar store and photo printing paper for t-shirts from Wal-Mart (these are like 8 dollars) and you can personally make and print shirts. Because the photo papers come in three’s, you can also just make a shirt for your brother and your sister-in-law as well. First find out what they like. If your nephew likes a certain band/movie/actor/actress, print it, and you can even personalize it by saying his or name on the shirt with their favourite’s name. Same goes for your brother and your sister-in-law.

I normally tend to add a prayer card for each gift I give, so there’s a special meaning to it. One time, I made the prayer card out of bookmarks (given I have a laminator; but you can still make them without), and personalized them by putting the person’s name on it.

Presentation is always key when giving. Honestly, it doesn’t have to be a really extremely high-priced present, but I think if it’s wrapped or placed in a bag properly, and looks appealing, it will get some attention from anyone.

God bless and more power to you!! 🙂
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Me too. I am all about the wrapping. Handmade gifts are the best!
 
Lochias said:
You know, I would advocate prayer bouquets, or something of the sort. Easy to manufacture, cheap, and everyone could always use the prayer and thoughtfulness behind the prayer.

I may just do that myself this year.
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This is what I was going to suggest. Include a handmade card (I’m talking construction paper and crayons, not a trip to JoAnn’s for millions worth of supplies). I am sure that while you are praying with your children, they will say something sweet or funny about the person you are praying for. You could include the story in the card. I don’t how anyone could get angry with that!

I would also send out the “warning” ahead of time. Then I’d deliver the gift with a big smile and call it Christmas!

Good Luck!
 
Em_in_FL said:
I have been on both sides of finances… years where we were able to give generously, and other years where it’s been very tight.
I can say, that when we were able to give, we were doing so generously and not expecting equivalents back… in full truth, it was really a *joy *to be able to give. So in many ways I don’t want to tell you to just outright say “we can’t do gifts this year” because that can take away the joy of giving for those who can.

What about handmade gifts? Simple things from the dollar store? Gifts of food (desserts and treats)? “Coupons” to babysit the kids so the adults can have a date night? “Movie night” hosted at your house for all the cousins to get together?
There are plenty of ways to GIVE without spending a ton… plus, that doesn’t take away the joy of letting others give to you. They MAY be excited to share with you, knowing that you can’t have a big celebration yourselves.

Just some things to consider… and prayers that all comes together in peace and focusing on the moment, not on the gifts. 🙂
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I like this approach and it’s what we do. People who have never been in the position of having to worry about the cost of gifts at Christmas are very lucky indeed and I don’t think there’s really too many of us that HAVEN’T been in that position.

I totally agree that it’s a real joy to be able to give someone close to you something that you know they will love without having to fret about the cost and when we are able to do this we have no expectation that we will receive anything at all in return. And if we know that someone is having a tough time of it, it’s lovely to be able to give something that we know they want or need but can’t afford right now, even if it’s something inexpensive.

It’s a horrible feeling when finances are very tight and you just can’t afford to buy things, makes for a very stressful time. That’s when we step back and think about what’s important. I would HATE it if someone bought me something they couldn’t afford and then had to go without something essential or struggle to pay a bill because of it and I think most people are the same. If not, well, that’s their problem not yours!

Enlarging a favourite photo is inexpensive and you can get nice frames cheaply and I think that makes a wonderful gift. You can find some nice small things very cheaply at discount stores (I’m talking about a couple of dollars) if you browse every time you go past. A shiny reindeer or star might look nice on the bookshelf or on the table on Christmas day, for example. Something that our extended family has done some years is like a ‘secret Santa’ where all the names go into a hat and someone draws them out and a cap of $5 or $10 dollars is agreed on. That way each family gets a present and each family only has to buy one present and that takes care of the adults. One year we all put in a certain amount and delegated someone to buy a gift for each child out of the combined amount and that way all the kids had something to open from the ‘family’. If you do this, just make sure you choose the right person to do the buying or you end up with colouring books for 12 year olds! Another year we all decided to have no gifts at all and we had a huge get-together with lots of little fun bits and pieces - confetti, balloons, noise-makers (if you can stand it lol), and everyone brought one piece of the meal so no-one had to stress about cooking or hosting too much. It was great.

Delicious home made treats are a great gift too although it can actually get expensive if you have to buy ingredients that you don’t normally have.

There’s a lot you can do for little or no money. Giving an expensive gift just to impress is awful and doesn’t make anyone feel good but giving a gift of your time and your presence is wonderful, at least I think so.
 
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