Talking to relatives

[Constantin]

My brother recently proposed and they are going to marry next summer. His girlfriend has been living with him for more than a year and will continue to do so in my parents’ house. It just recently occurred to me that this is not ideal. No one in my family seems to see a problem, though. My brother’s gf is very nice, my family is happy about receiving her into the family. They are both Catholic, though rarely practicing, Easter, Christmas, family events, you know what I mean. I have a very good relationship with my brother and don’t believe it’s really my business, the more so as he already decided to marry. I guess it’s just not worth the trouble. However, dealing more with the subject and how this should be ideally between Catholics, I am unsure. They already talked to a priest - I don’t know what he told them, apparently he recommended some kind of marriage preparation course, I don’t know whether they are going to participate. What do you think?

 

[Brassring]

Tap dancing in a minefield is rarely a good idea. Sometimes we just need to leave other people’s devotion (or lack thereof) between them and God. Pray. That’s about all you really can do.

 

[PaulfromIowa]

Talking to relatives? What do want to talk to them about, exactly?

Are you opposed to this marriage? Are you only wishing to encourage them to live separately before Marriage? Do you wish to encourage your brother to attend Mass every Sunday, instead of only occasionally?

 

[Constantin]

Talking to relatives? What do want to talk to them about, exactly?

Are you opposed to this marriage? Are you only wishing to encourage them to live separately before Marriage? Do you wish to encourage your brother to attend Mass every Sunday, instead of only occasionally?

The former. However it is not going to work because I am not exactly a good example, too, and he would dismiss it in a minute. It’s only that marriage in the church is obviously important to both of them and I think they both believe in the Catholic church in their heart of hearts but this doesn’t lead to any consequences in this respect in their lives. Probably it’s best to not bring up the topic at all it seems like something from my grandparents generation. It was just that I read recently that ideally you don’t move in with your future spouse before marriage. But I recognize it’s none of my business and bringing it up won’t do any good.

 

[Bruised_Reed]

My brother recently proposed and they are going to marry next summer. His girlfriend has been living with him for more than a year and will continue to do so in my parents’ house. It just recently occurred to me that this is not ideal. No one in my family seems to see a problem, though. My brother’s gf is very nice, my family is happy about receiving her into the family. They are both Catholic, though rarely practicing, Easter, Christmas, family events, you know what I mean. I have a very good relationship with my brother and don’t believe it’s really my business, the more so as he already decided to marry. I guess it’s just not worth the trouble. However, dealing more with the subject and how this should be ideally between Catholics, I am unsure. They already talked to a priest - I don’t know what he told them, apparently he recommended some kind of marriage preparation course, I don’t know whether they are going to participate. What do you think?

If the living together is the problem you are refering to, help make it not a problem. Do you live in the same city?Offer to have him as a roommate (rent free) while his fiancee lives with your parents. Or talk to someone who is willing to have his fiancee stay with them (rent free). Rent free is removing an financial obstacle they might have. I like the former because your potential SIL will get a chance to see your families dynamics. You can talk to him about being chaste and how it may help them have a better marriage. I don’t know if it would fly in your family but when a cousin was living with her bf/fiance my other sister asked her if she wanted God to bless her marriage. My cousin wanted God to bless her marriage so they lived apart until the wedding. The relationship and rapport my cousins had together allowed that kind of conversation. YMMV.

 

[Constantin]

If the living together is the problem you are refering to, help make it not a problem. Do you live in the same city?Offer to have him as a roommate (rent free) while his fiancee lives with your parents. Or talk to someone who is willing to have his fiancee stay with them (rent free). Rent free is removing an financial obstacle they might have. I like the former because your potential SIL will get a chance to see your families dynamics. You can talk to him about being chaste and how it may help them have a better marriage. I don’t know if it would fly in your family but when a cousin was living with her bf/fiance my other sister asked her if she wanted God to bless her marriage. My cousin wanted God to bless her marriage so they lived apart until the wedding. The relationship and rapport my cousins had together allowed that kind of conversation. YMMV.

Unfortunately, I live in another city three hours away. Also, it’s not a financial issue: They are both older than 25, done with their studies and both got a decent job. They are not rich, but could afford separate flats. Also, my potential SIL could live with her parents who have a house not far away from my parents’. I guess I can’t change it and probably it’s mostly harmless if they marry anyway.

 

[BBFan]

I agree that talking to anyone, your brother, your parents, is unlikely to be well-received 1) because they obviously think there’s nothing wrong with it and as you said 2) you yourself only recently discovered this isn’t “ideal.”

The main thing here is that they are currently living in a state of grave mortal sin. God forbid, but if one of them dies in this state, their soul is at risk of losing eternal salvation. All those who aided in this choice becoming a reality also are at risk.

I would recommend at this point, learning more about the Faith yourself, read The Catechism of the Catholic Church. There are many Catholic websites, this one included, that have the Teachings of the Church available to everyone.

Pray, receive the Sacraments (in a state of Grace) and make sacrifices on behalf of your family. You may be the ONLY person in their entire lives who is praying for them and hoping they will turn from their dangerous path.

God Bless

 

[Catholic1954]

My brother recently proposed and they are going to marry next summer. His girlfriend has been living with him for more than a year and will continue to do so in my parents’ house. It just recently occurred to me that this is not ideal. No one in my family seems to see a problem, though. My brother’s gf is very nice, my family is happy about receiving her into the family. They are both Catholic, though rarely practicing, Easter, Christmas, family events, you know what I mean. I have a very good relationship with my brother and don’t believe it’s really my business, the more so as he already decided to marry. I guess it’s just not worth the trouble. However, dealing more with the subject and how this should be ideally between Catholics, I am unsure. They already talked to a priest - I don’t know what he told them, apparently he recommended some kind of marriage preparation course, I don’t know whether they are going to participate. What do you think?

I think you should offer your congratulations, offer to help with wedding plans and stay out of the rest of their business.

 

[Viki63]

I would recommend at this point, learning more about the Faith yourself, read The Catechism of the Catholic Church. There are many Catholic websites, this one included, that have the Teachings of the Church available to everyone.

Pray, receive the Sacraments (in a state of Grace) and make sacrifices on behalf of your family.

This is excellent advice. Especially as you yourself seem unsure of the church’s teachings. Being chaste before marriage is not “something from my grandparents’ generation.” It’s current teaching and a great help to marriages. But it would be helpful for you if you had a clear understanding. Then also you could become a good example, instead of perhaps a stumbling block as you imply.
It’s wonderful that you’re concerned about your brother’s salvation. Keep praying that God will draw both of them closer to Him.

.

 

[Constantin]

This is excellent advice. Especially as you yourself seem unsure of the church’s teachings. Being chaste before marriage is not “something from my grandparents’ generation.” It’s current teaching and a great help to marriages. But it would be helpful for you if you had a clear understanding. Then also you could become a good example, instead of perhaps a stumbling block as you imply.
It’s wonderful that you’re concerned about your brother’s salvation. Keep praying that God will draw both of them closer to Him.

.

Yes. It is not as if I would not know what the church teaches (I think that even my brother has no illusions what the church says about cohabitation), however times have changed.
Living together without marriage has pretty much become the norm, if you do NOT live together prior to marriage it is considered as strange and there is potentially something wrong with you. At least that is the state of things in the area where we are living. What you guys wrote is of course right theoretically, that is perfectly clear, but in real life it´s kinda not really fully applicable. Yes, I know, you should not compromise on important matters, but as the pope recently said: Who am I to judge? Anyway, I guess I will just let it go and be happy that my brother found a good wife! This is the most important aspect and I will not disrupt their happiness.

 

[Luvz2travel]

Tap dancing in a minefield is rarely a good idea. Sometimes we just need to leave other people’s devotion (or lack thereof) between them and God. Pray. That’s about all you really can do.

I agree with the statement above. It’s really not your business but the best thing you can do is pray for them.

 

[Anglewannabe]

. It just recently occurred to me that this is not ideal.

If this recently occurred to you, I wouldn’t be surprised if they have felt your support all along for what they are doing. I don’t think doing a 360 and giving them a lecture will be appreciated especially after they got engaged.

I would stay out of it

Angie

 

[Constantin]

If this recently occurred to you, I wouldn’t be surprised if they have felt your support all along for what they are doing. I don’t think doing a 360 and giving them a lecture will be appreciated especially after they got engaged.

I would stay out of it

Angie

Support is not quite true. I was so much caught up in my own issues that I did not even think about them or talk to them much. Of course, I intellectually knew that cohabitation prior to marriage is not right according to church teaching, but did not make the step to transfer this to my personal life or that of people close to me. It remained a theoretical concept without any relevance to real life. Sounds strange, but this is the way it was.

Anyway, I agree with the majority of posters here (thanks) and will leave them alone and hope that it works out for them.

 

[dconklin]

Look up the Novena to St Monica. I subscribe to a service that emails me novenas on a daily basis.