Tame that shrew! The ugly truth of cyberbullying

[alessandro]

Hi, everyone. Please check out a thread in the “Parenting” sub-section:

Tame that shrew! The ugly truth of cyberbullying…
(forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=109581)

I look forward to your thoughts & comments.

 

[AlanFromWichita]

I have six children between ages 9 and 20.

They are very well adjusted, happy, and academically and socially successful.

One thing I learned is that some kids are not going to be controlled by outward limits, such as clamping down on their behavior. If you don’t have their hearts, then you can forget trying to teach them anything by continuing to control their behavior.

Also I’ve recognized that the world really is much more connected than it used to be. We use the honor system on the web, and frankly I’ve gotten over the fact that kids will see a certain amount of this evil. Therefore, we discuss these things openly at home and what I’m finding is that when they “get out” into the world they are much better prepared than I ever was at their age, because I have chosen to walk into the “world” with them while they were still at home, and thus taught them ways to react to what they will encounter “out there.”

As a result, I know what is going on in my kids’ private lives. They know they will be counseled, and not judged or threatened, any time they come to me. I’ve even taught some of them crisis intervention, that they have used to help some of their friends who were having troubles but had no adult they could confide in.

The way I look at it, my kids are going to be my legacy to the world, and I want them to be effective at operating in it. I send them out into the world to do Christ’s work, and I want them to be familiar with all the sights they are likely to see. I don’t see what good it does to tell them about the passion and cruelty of the world, but then are so queasy about hearing foul language they cannot even help a person in crisis who communicates in that way. St. Paul became like those he was around, in order to win them. One does not have to prove himself leader at foul language, but I want my kids to be able to do more than to preach to a lukewarm choir; I want them to be able to truly listen to and respect the least of Christ’s brothers, without interpersonal communication style getting in the way.

Alan

 

[LSK]

I was recently at the park with my five year old niece. I got to talking to a young man who had recently started with the police department. He had moved to our neighborhood and was enjoying a day off with his four year old son. While we were talking he told me about a recent incident at a local Modesto high school.

Cell phones - about 500 of them - that had been confiscated or ended up in the office because they were lost throughout the previous year were examined. On 500 of these phones, 495 had images of teens at large parties in various stages of undress, having sex or performing sexual acts on others who were either being held down by a group or who had passed out from either drugs or alcohol. The man who gave me this information has a 16 year old sister who attends that school. When he saw the report, he told his mother and father to NEVER let her attend a high school party unless they knew parents would be present and they could pop in at any time.

This man is 25years old. He was absolutely shocked by the behavior of these teens - he said he has never felt so old as when he was clued into what was considered ‘fun’.

When I was a teen, about 150 years ago, we too had large gatherings. The most illicit thing we would do would be to have a keg of beer and marijuana. Sometimes the boys would get into a fist fight - not a gang fight, a fist fight. Sometimes sexual activity would take place but never as a group orgy. We were hardly perfect but we were NOT engaged in the activities that go on today.

If I had a teenage girl she would not be allowed at any of these gatherings. My seventeen year old nephew is closely monitored in terms of where he goes and who he hangs out with - and if he gets into ‘trouble’ it is not overlooked and dealt with appropriately (we try to make the punishment fit the crime).

I also want to remind everyone of the experiment on social behavior that was done in the early 1960’s…it involved middle-class college students who were told to shock someone if they gave the wrong answer to a question…does anyone remember the ‘shocking’ findings?

 

[whatevergirl]

I have six children between ages 9 and 20.

They are very well adjusted, happy, and academically and socially successful.

One thing I learned is that some kids are not going to be controlled by outward limits, such as clamping down on their behavior. If you don’t have their hearts, then you can forget trying to teach them anything by continuing to control their behavior.

Also I’ve recognized that the world really is much more connected than it used to be. We use the honor system on the web, and frankly I’ve gotten over the fact that kids will see a certain amount of this evil. Therefore, we discuss these things openly at home and what I’m finding is that when they “get out” into the world they are much better prepared than I ever was at their age, because I have chosen to walk into the “world” with them while they were still at home, and thus taught them ways to react to what they will encounter “out there.”

As a result, I know what is going on in my kids’ private lives. They know they will be counseled, and not judged or threatened, any time they come to me. I’ve even taught some of them crisis intervention, that they have used to help some of their friends who were having troubles but had no adult they could confide in.

The way I look at it, my kids are going to be my legacy to the world, and I want them to be effective at operating in it. I send them out into the world to do Christ’s work, and I want them to be familiar with all the sights they are likely to see. I don’t see what good it does to tell them about the passion and cruelty of the world, but then are so queasy about hearing foul language they cannot even help a person in crisis who communicates in that way. St. Paul became like those he was around, in order to win them. One does not have to prove himself leader at foul language, but I want my kids to be able to do more than to preach to a lukewarm choir; I want them to be able to truly listen to and respect the least of Christ’s brothers, without interpersonal communication style getting in the way.

Alan

AMEN! You hit everything right on the head…AWESOME POST!!!

 

[siamesecat]

I have six children between ages 9 and 20.

They are very well adjusted, happy, and academically and socially successful.

One thing I learned is that some kids are not going to be controlled by outward limits, such as clamping down on their behavior. If you don’t have their hearts, then you can forget trying to teach them anything by continuing to control their behavior.

Also I’ve recognized that the world really is much more connected than it used to be. We use the honor system on the web, and frankly I’ve gotten over the fact that kids will see a certain amount of this evil. Therefore, we discuss these things openly at home and what I’m finding is that when they “get out” into the world they are much better prepared than I ever was at their age, because I have chosen to walk into the “world” with them while they were still at home, and thus taught them ways to react to what they will encounter “out there.”

As a result, I know what is going on in my kids’ private lives. They know they will be counseled, and not judged or threatened, any time they come to me. I’ve even taught some of them crisis intervention, that they have used to help some of their friends who were having troubles but had no adult they could confide in.

The way I look at it, my kids are going to be my legacy to the world, and I want them to be effective at operating in it. I send them out into the world to do Christ’s work, and I want them to be familiar with all the sights they are likely to see. I don’t see what good it does to tell them about the passion and cruelty of the world, but then are so queasy about hearing foul language they cannot even help a person in crisis who communicates in that way. St. Paul became like those he was around, in order to win them. One does not have to prove himself leader at foul language, but I want my kids to be able to do more than to preach to a lukewarm choir; I want them to be able to truly listen to and respect the least of Christ’s brothers, without interpersonal communication style getting in the way.

Alan

That’s exactly how my mom deals with me and my younger siblings. She is honestly the only parent I have ever met who actually knows what her kids are doing. No joke. No one even comes close. I’m very open with her about what my friends do, and what goes on online, and share that information with her. She knows she can trust me to tell her things, and she knows I’m smart enough to take care of myself online. Banning me from the internet wouldn’t solve anything; but she knows I won’t get into trouble because she’s taught me to handle myself. For the same reason, I don’t drink or fool around with guys, and I’m the only one my age who can say that at my school because their parents have no idea what’s going on. Just keep on top of things.

 

[AlanFromWichita]

That’s exactly how my mom deals with me and my younger siblings. She is honestly the only parent I have ever met who actually knows what her kids are doing. No joke. No one even comes close. I’m very open with her about what my friends do, and what goes on online, and share that information with her. She knows she can trust me to tell her things, and she knows I’m smart enough to take care of myself online. Banning me from the internet wouldn’t solve anything; but she knows I won’t get into trouble because she’s taught me to handle myself. For the same reason, I don’t drink or fool around with guys, and I’m the only one my age who can say that at my school because their parents have no idea what’s going on. Just keep on top of things.

Bingo. You sounda lot like my daughters. One great thing about the Internet is we can find out there are other families “like us” who have found that there is much better strategy than judge-and-avoid, which itself leads to anxiety. My kids and I agree on one thing; we are totally blessed to have them as kids and they are totally lucky to have us as parents.

Alan