Teaching chastity to 10 year old daughter

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daniden

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Hi there,
I have 6 kids (3 young adults and 3 kids 10 and under). My 10 year old daughter has been engaging in “self-stimulating” behavior and has for a while. I’ve spoken to her about it on a few occasions, explaining that, while it’s normal to have certain sensations and nothing to be ashamed of, and that God designed our bodies this way, it’s also being disrespectful of our bodies to do this and just because it feels good, it doesn’t make it right. I’ve seen her do it, pretty openly, and yes, admittedly, I have been kinda shocked sometimes and tell her to stop right away. What else can I do or say to help her understand? She’s definitely going through body changes too, so I’m sure that doesn’t help. Any advice? Thank you.
 
For me personally I would revisit modesty.

Things like, privacy in the bathroom and when getting dressed, sitting in a ladylike way, choosing modest swimwear and things like this can open the conversation up for you and you can expand on the reasons.

I would just repeat in a kind way that a Catholic chirstian girl acts like this-with a certain dignity and appropriateness, when around others and in private too.

If she continues a lot with this, it may be a nervous habit too, and then I would take her to the doctor if it excessive. Some doctors though probably don’t see it as a problem if they aren’t religious,-but if it is related to nervousness and happening alot they can help, if you expain it.
 
We talk quite a bit about modesty and she understands that quite well. I’m not sure if this is a nervousness issue, so much as it just being a thing that she discovered feels good and it’s become a habit. She doesn’t do it all the time (that I see), but enough that it might become a problem.
 
Telling her to stop sounds like the correct response to me. If you think it may be associated with boredom or anxiety, then you can offer a distraction. Have her help with dinner? Teach her to crochet? That sort of thing.

PS- Even those who would argue that it’s perfectly natural behavior don’t generally want it going on in their living room.
 
Are there any good books on sexuality and chastity for kids that age…Catholic in nature? I’ve heard the Popkak (sp?) books are supposed to be good, but would they be above her head? Or are they mostly for adults?
 
Yes I would tell her to stop every time. Another thought too-perhaps she has a bladder infection- or her underpants are too tight or loose and reminding her of this?

Maybe explaining it’s a sin may help too.
 
With younger kids, it can also be brought on by the urge to use the restroom, so if you want to be discreet, you could try just reminding her to use the restroom. My sister would do this often while watching TV because she didn’t want to miss the show to go to the restroom. She was a little younger than ten though.
 
My oldest son has Aspergers and when he was younger I had to constantly remind him not to touch himself. It was something that he did unconsciously and added to that he wasn’t very sensitive to social etiquette. It worried me a lot but he eventually got the message that it was inappropriate by me reminding him it wasn’t everytime I saw it. I think you can convey it not by an angry response but by a firm and urgent frown and headshake.

I always pick up a little leaflet type books related to different topics when I go to the Cathedral bookshop. There are lots on the subject of chastity that are age relevant. I still have the ones that my mother gave me also. I don’t think we ever had a conversation about chastity. Our communication was all through articles and leaflets. 🙂
 
Allegra said:
With younger kids, it can also be brought on by the urge to use the restroom, so if you want to be discreet, you could try just reminding her to use the restroom. My sister would do this often while watching TV because she didn’t want to miss the show to go to the restroom. She was a little younger than ten though.
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Boys are a bit different, but I definitely notice that this is true for my sons (who are quite a bit younger than 10). “Do you have to go potty?” “Oh, yeah!” :rolleyes:

Greg Popcak has a book called Beyond the Birds and the Bees that has good ideas for teaching chastity to kids of all ages. It’s definitely intended for parents to read though, and not for parents to hand to kids.

I think at 10, you can definitely begin introducing the moral concepts involved, but I think probably the most change you’ll see is if you treat it like any other impolite habit (e.g. nosepicking.) From the OP, it’s not clear if you’ve actually introduced discipline, but rather just told her not to. If you use discipline for other errant behavior and not this, then she’s unlikely to get the message that you really mean it or that it’s a big deal. I’m not saying it has to be extreme, but I think it’s entirely appropriate to implement discipline for poor manners (and at the very least that’s what this is.)
 
Does she seem to be doing it consciously or without actually realizing what she is doing? I guess our answers would depend on the answer. I “do know”, however; that shaming is never the route to take when dealing with issues such as this. After reading your very straight forward post, I don’t think you are the kind of Parent that Would ever engage in that demeaning consequence!
 
As with all situations involving your children, approach this issue with love. I would recommend you seek the advice of a mental health professional and explain to your daughter why you’re BOTH going to talk to someone else. Children are rather self-centered and sometimes don’t realize what they’re doing is not the norm; they don’t always related the behaviors of others to what they’re doing themselves. However, if it’s a true psychological issue, a professional might be able to shed light on potential causes.

Above all, as I’ve mentioned above, approach this issue with love just as God approaches us with love. God bless you and praying for a successful outcome. 👍
 
daniden said:
Are there any good books on sexuality and chastity for kids that age…Catholic in nature? I’ve heard the Popkak (sp?) books are supposed to be good, but would they be above her head? Or are they mostly for adults?
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My children are all grown, so I am not familiar with particular writers of books on the subject.

But…I learned that there is a site dedicated to chastity, and I am sure there is much to explore on there.
There you can find some resources. I noticed they mentioned about pre-teens. I had heard a lot of good things about this site:

sexrespect.com/main.html
 
Believe me, as someone who is twice the age of your lovely daughter I know how addictive this behaviour can be.

Can I ask if she relates well to her peers\ friends?
I remember a priest telling me once in confession that when we seek a love in a relationship we don’t have, we instead take the act of love, and try and use that.

Could you ask your daughter if she feels “loved” enough? If so, why does she need to feel good through this act.

God Bless,
Meadhbh
 
This is a hard post to answer since you have not given many details. By ‘openly’ have you seen her touch herself for 3 seconds? Or do you mean she is taking her clothes off and getting carried away?

I would show her what is appropriate and what is not appropriate behaviour without mentioning ‘being in public’. I would not differentiate being public and alone simply because I wouldn’t want to put ideas in her head. And I would NOT bring up the sexual aspect unless she does. Again, it might put ideas in her head

Angie
 
Perhaps your daughter is ready for a frank discussion about why a woman feels pleasure in the act she is doing to herself? Like all pleasurable things, we must learn to take part when it is in a prudent and God loving manner. Would you be able to convey the idea that God created us to feel that intimate sensation to encourage us to lovingly help bring children into the world? Let her know that child birth can be painful, so God very smartly created us so we would be happy to engage in marital intimacy. I’m guessing she’s approaching or has approached menses? She will need to be aware of the biological reasons for her period, this pleasure aspect may need to be approached as part of it, otherwise birth and sex can seem quite gross to a young innocent. It needs to be put in context.
 
mommy_k said:
For me personally I would revisit modesty.

Things like, privacy in the bathroom and when getting dressed, sitting in a ladylike way, choosing modest swimwear and things like this can open the conversation up for you and you can expand on the reasons.

I would just repeat in a kind way that a Catholic chirstian girl acts like this-with a certain dignity and appropriateness, when around others and in private too.

If she continues a lot with this, it may be a nervous habit too, and then I would take her to the doctor if it excessive. Some doctors though probably don’t see it as a problem if they aren’t religious,-but if it is related to nervousness and happening alot they can help, if you expain it.
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Thank you for that and thanks to the OP for raising this as a mother of two boys and a girl this is a difficult subject, but one which I do feel needs to be discussed and dealt with properly.

I’m afraid I do not go along with the “it’s natural and even healthy” secular approach.
 
SusanneT said:
Thank you for that and thanks to the OP for raising this as a mother of two boys and a girl this is a difficult subject, but one which I do feel needs to be discussed and dealt with properly.

I’m afraid I do not go along with the “it’s natural and even healthy” secular approach.
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All you said is very important. Yes, the subject needs to be brought up with our children, and there are a lot of good suggestions for how to teach about that.

Also, I totally agree with you that it is NOT natural and healthy. Catholics need to see things from the framework reference that grace is available from the Lord.

Here again is the Catholic site that has helpful advice:

sexrespect.com/main.html
 
If she’s 10 then im assumming she has made her first confession/communion. If she doesn’t have any special needs, then I think she’s definitely old enough to learn its not an acceptable behavior and that it can be a sin. That these feelings are nice and good but God wants her to wait until marriage to experience these feelings with her husband and not before. That way she associates them with the future and no the present. If it continues then it’s time to associate these behaviors with confession. If she disobeys, take her to confession. For her the sin is not so much the masturbation as it is the disobedience if she doesn’t wish to do what you ask repeatedly. I wish I was told that this was a sin when I was young, I know I did it openly in the house. It became a nasty sin that continued into my early twenties. You are right to show concern. Bless you!
 
Thank you for all the insightful responses! To answer the question about whether she has a UTI, I really don’t think so. She’s had one in the past and it’s very painful. She hasn’t complained to me about anything recently. I also know it isn’t because she doesn’t want to go to the bathroom. She’s been doing this off and on for a few years but has become a little more frequent lately. As I said, she’s going through some puberty related changes…breast buds, bit of body hair, growth spurt, so this is probably making the sensations she has, stronger, I’m guessing. No menstruation yet though. By “openly”, I meant that she doesn’t hide it much (although, sometimes she does quickly stop if she sees me). She actually had her hand in her underwear the other day, masturbating, while she was on the computer, so she’s very conscious of what she’s doing. Sorry, tmi. 😊

As far as her peers, we homeschool, but she does have a few friends that she plays with. They’re very nice kids. She’s a very dramatic, sensitive girl and gets her feelings hurt easily though. At the same time, she’s also very headstrong…so sometimes it’s hard to get her to stop doing things. Yeah, this one keeps me on my toes (there has to be at least one out of 6 kids, right?). 😉

My 3 yo daughter has also been doing similar things (lying on her tummy on the carpet). I stop her too, but it’s more difficult to reason with a toddler. Gah…wish this parenting thing were easier.

Thank you again for all the advice and the website too!
 
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