Teaching chastity to 10 year old daughter

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I don’t think discipline is unwarranted in this case. You can definitely discipline for unwanted public behavior, even immoral behavior, without it being about shaming.

That said, I don’t know what specifically to try. That seems very brazen to me. Maybe taking away privileges? I am ambivalent about forcing children to actually go to confession, although I think it’s perfectly in line to say, “This is when we go as a family and you’re coming too even if you just sit and wait for the rest of us.”

I think she may just need you to show her that you are the boss, not her, and that has more to do with the parent/child dynamic than this particular behavior. If she’s openly defying you in public spaces in your home, that’s really uncool. If this is the only way she’s defiant, then maybe I’d consult a counselor as another poster suggested to see what’s underlying this issue. But if she’s defiant in other ways and tends toward being strong willed, I’d say this is about her respecting you (and others, because let’s face it, moral questions aside this is not something anybody wants to witness anybody else doing.)
 
When she was at the computer the other day, she didn’t know I saw her until I turned around and witnessed it. I immediately told her to stop and took her off the computer. This is not the only way she’s been defiant. Her attitude has been bad lately and has shown me some disrespect. I reprimand her right away, but as I said, she’s very strong-willed. I will be taking away a lot more privileges…she seems to respond to that a lot more than other forms of discipline.
 
I would worry about a UTI or yeast infection.

Also, at around that age girls start having some mucus production. She might not understand what she’s feeling and might be checking.

When you find her doing that, ask her “what are you doing”. She might not be associating this activity with sex yet.

I’m not sure going into taking away privileges yet would be productive. You don’t want to give her negative reinforcement. If it’s nerves, the more you call attention to it, the harder it is for her to stop.
 
As I stated up above, I’m pretty positive she doesn’t have a UTI. And sometimes I ask her if she’s itchy when I catch her in the act. She says she isn’t. I’m not sure she’s yet associating what she’s doing with sex, per se (and we really haven’t delved deeply into that yet either), but I think she realizes it feels good. She isn’t just doing it for a few seconds either…kwim? I never try and shame her or anything, but I do make her stop. I have told her in the past that what she’s doing is disrespectful of her body, but again, I don’t shame her. I’m just trying to help her realize that though something may feel good, it doesn’t make it the right thing to do.
 
Personally my parents never told me it was wrong to touch myself. To do so openly in front of others is not modest though and it is wrong. I know my ex boyfriend was told it was wrong to masturbate or along those lines when he was younger and he grew up to be afraid and has anxiety now. Young children touch themselves sometimes. I don’t think its wrong to do it in private but you do need to tell her that doing it in front of others is wrong. Don’t make her fear masturbation that could just leave her scared and confused.
 
daniden said:
As I stated up above, I’m pretty positive she doesn’t have a UTI. And sometimes I ask her if she’s itchy when I catch her in the act. She says she isn’t. I’m not sure she’s yet associating what she’s doing with sex, per se (and we really haven’t delved deeply into that yet either), but I think she realizes it feels good. She isn’t just doing it for a few seconds either…kwim? I never try and shame her or anything, but I do make her stop. I have told her in the past that what she’s doing is disrespectful of her body, but again, I don’t shame her. I’m just trying to help her realize that though something may feel good, it doesn’t make it the right thing to do.
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How is she disrespecting herself if I may ask? If she was older and showing off I would say she is but she is very young and rather innocent.
 
Doing it in front of others is definitely worse, but I’m also not going to teach her that’s it’s ok to do it in private…because even God can see what you do in private. Whether you agree with me or not, playing with yourself is disrespecting (or using) your body because you’re not treating your body the way that God intended (ie sharing those feelings with your spouse) and while having those feelings is normal, acting on them is sinful. Just like other temptations, we need to learn self-control to overcome those things. Masturbation can become a very bad habit and you can become dependent on it. I know my daughter is young and innocent now, but if I just let her continue this, I’m letting her continue to sin…even though she may not fully realize it yet. There are other ways to relieve anxiety too…I just don’t think this is a healthy way.
 
daniden said:
Doing it in front of others is definitely worse, but I’m also not going to teach her that’s it’s ok to do it in private…because even God can see what you do in private. Whether you agree with me or not, playing with yourself is disrespecting (or using) your body because you’re not treating your body the way that God intended (ie sharing those feelings with your spouse) and while having those feelings is normal, acting on them is sinful. Just like other temptations, we need to learn self-control to overcome those things. Masturbation can become a very bad habit and you can become dependent on it. I know my daughter is young and innocent now, but if I just let her continue this, I’m letting her continue to sin…even though she may not fully realize it yet. There are other ways to relieve anxiety too…I just don’t think this is a healthy way.
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I do not consider it disrespectful and my parents never taught me it was because that just makes people feel like they are doing something wrong when nature causes this to happen. I’m not here to argue with you. You raise your kids how you want.
I’m worried because I saw people who became confused in life because of stuff like this and became nervous wrecks when it came time to be intimate.
I’m sorry if I bothered you.
 
Dacinom said:
Thank you for sharing. You share a belief with many people actually. It is common practice nowadays not to discourage masturbation, because there is a fear that it will cause sexual anxieties down the road. Truth be told there are many factors that go into human anxieties. Most people with sexual anxieties have several contributing factors that went into them, probably not just a parent discouraging masturbation although I obviously don’t know your boyfriends’ circumstances.

I don’t think a parent should necessarily shame a child about their body parts, and tell them their body parts are dirty like some parents did decades ago. However, I firmly believe that children need to be told in a gentle and loving way that this is not a healthy thing to do, and they should try their best not to masturbate, and if they make a mistake and it happens, Jesus still loves them of course! This is what I told my children.

Masturbation can become habitual for some people, many people actually. For some of those people, the habit can leave them feeling lonely. Even when raised in a home where masturbation is encouraged people will feel this way! Why is that? Because God created sex to be a uniting act between two people, and when one person is missing it creates a vacuum.
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My ex had a more devout father who kind of made him feel bad about himself at least that’s along the lines of what I was told.

Doing something to much is a bad thing yes. Once in a while not really and some people are more impulsive then others naturally. You just have to help them not to be and that can be done in other ways also.
 
SilverLight said:
Personally my parents never told me it was wrong to touch myself. To do so openly in front of others is not modest though and it is wrong. I know my ex boyfriend was told it was wrong to masturbate or along those lines when he was younger and he grew up to be afraid and has anxiety now. Young children touch themselves sometimes. I don’t think its wrong to do it in private but you do need to tell her that doing it in front of others is wrong. Don’t make her fear masturbation that could just leave her scared and confused.
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@Silverlight
Recommend you review CCC 2352. There are conditions related to the individual but masturbation is considered a grave matter so falls under the mortal sin category.
 
808Catholic said:
@Silverlight
Recommend you review CCC 2352. There are conditions related to the individual but masturbation is considered a grave matter so falls under the mortal sin category.
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To be honest it seems like most things I would do in a normal day are considered sins and they are just normal everyday things. I was raised differently and I am sorry if that bothers you and others.
Have a nice day.
 
daniden said:
Doing it in front of others is definitely worse, but I’m also not going to teach her that’s it’s ok to do it in private…because even God can see what you do in private. Whether you agree with me or not, playing with yourself is disrespecting (or using) your body because you’re not treating your body the way that God intended (ie sharing those feelings with your spouse) and while having those feelings is normal, acting on them is sinful. Just like other temptations, we need to learn self-control to overcome those things. Masturbation can become a very bad habit and you can become dependent on it. I know my daughter is young and innocent now, but if I just let her continue this, I’m letting her continue to sin…even though she may not fully realize it yet. There are other ways to relieve anxiety too…I just don’t think this is a healthy way.
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I completely agree, what she is doing is wrong, both the act of masturbation and the disobedience and I think you are right to do everything possible to stop her from sinning in this way, before it becomes a serious habit.

Of course as you say “having those feelings is normal, acting on them is sinful” and I don’t personally feel we should allow concerns about future anxiety etc from doing all you can to get that message across.
 
SusanneT said:
I completely agree, what she is doing is wrong, both the act of masturbation and the disobedience and I think you are right to do everything possible to stop her from sinning in this way, before it becomes a serious habit.

Of course as you say “having those feelings is normal, acting on them is sinful” and I don’t personally feel we should allow concerns about future anxiety etc from doing all you can to get that message across.
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Yes I agree. What parents want to convey is impulse control and revisit lessons on modesty, privacy, and purity. This builds the foundation for resisting even stronger temptations in the future.

When I was in school in 5th grade, a religious sister taught us a hygiene class, and these lessons have stuck with me. We were not shamed, it was a lesson. The class was about presenting yourself as a Catholic girl/woman to the world, what leads us to temptation, how to avoid and control feelings that lead to sin and so on–how as Catholic women we have the bar set very high for us and God has given us the grace to reach that bar. It is all about the dignity and pureness and the beauty that comes from this. She said it was also fine to be pretty!! But not in a sexual way to attract trouble or engage in behaviors that detract from this.

I have conveyed this lesson to my own daughters, (our sons too). So perhaps a lesson about this combined with other important facts need to be revisited in a more direct way. - would also ask why they are doing this without assuming, and also use it as a teaching moment. If it continues and the child seems sincere about trying to stop, then medical intervention regarding self soothing habits and how to break them may help too.
 
daniden said:
My 3 yo daughter has also been doing similar things (lying on her tummy on the carpet). I stop her too, but it’s more difficult to reason with a toddler.
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It’d be a good idea also to remind the kids about it not being right for anyone else to touch those areas either. Being homeschooled I know there is less chance of them being exposed to strangers but in this day and age it is shocking what some littlies at school and around the place know about and don’t think is wrong.
 
SilverLight said:
To be honest it seems like most things I would do in a normal day are considered sins and they are just normal everyday things. I was raised differently and I am sorry if that bothers you and others.
Have a nice day.
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How can most of the everyday things you do be sinful? Are you an attorney?
 
SilverLight said:
To be honest it seems like most things I would do in a normal day are considered sins and they are just normal everyday things. I was raised differently and I am sorry if that bothers you and others.
Have a nice day.
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Your response does not bother me; it just reminds me how we are all (myself especially included!) so fragile. This is why having a Christ centered life is so important. If I were so virtuous I wouldn’t need God as the center of my life, I’d be a saint and ready to go to heaven today. I know this is so far from my reality and love that God has given us so many ways to live a holier life including the CAF, contributors like you, the forum facilitators, etc. We all walk different paths towards God but have the confidence that Jesus walks with us. God Bless you. 👍
 
808Catholic said:
@Silverlight
Recommend you review CCC 2352. There are conditions related to the individual but masturbation is considered a grave matter so falls under the mortal sin category.
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I agree with you. This can be taught to children when it is time, and there are many helps out there to teach in a good way.
 
Thank you for your responses. Again, I do NOT tell our kids to be ashamed of their bodies or that they are dirty or anything of the sort. But, I just need her to know that she will need to control certain impulses because the act can become sinful and a bad habit. I really try hard to convey to her (and the other kids) that our bodies and our sexuality are a beautiful gift from God and to treat our bodies with respect…not treat it like a toy.
 
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