Teaching Kids about Abuse Without Scaring Them

[pensmama87]

My 4 year old starts preschool in about a month, and while I have absolutely zero concerns about his teacher or the environment he’ll be in, I am becoming aware that this will be a “big step” in that he is going to be spending more time in environments where his dad or I are not present and he is in the care of other adults. Because of that, I want to be able to teach him some things about being safe and being able to say no or get away if, God forbid, someone were to target him for abuse.

At the same time, though, I don’t want to undermine the legitimate authority that teachers, etc. would have over him, or just make him unnecessarily afraid of all other adults. The main thing I’m doing now is just doing the best I can to make sure he is with adults who can be trusted, but I would appreciate advice from parents who have “been there” on how to discuss these things with children.

The most we’ve done so far is “Mommy/Daddy/grandparents are allowed to help you change your clothes or go to the bathroom [though he is completely independent with this now], and sometimes your doctor may need to take a look when Mommy or Daddy is there, but the rest of the time your clothes should be on and nobody should ask you to take them off and they should keep their clothes on around you.” But unfortunately there are other grooming type behaviors or abuses that can happen that don’t include these.

I know that I can’t keep him 100% safe (though ack! about that), and I also want to make sure he knows that he can come to me if something happens that makes him feel confused, uncomfortable, or scared, so we can talk about it.

Thoughts?

 

[mommy_k]

Here is a link for virtus training. This training is used in Catholic schools.

virtus.org/virtus/touchingsafetyprogram.cfm

 

[UbiCaritas]

It seems to me that something like, “In our family we have surprises, but we don’t have secrets” might be in order. I.e., you and the kids might plan on, say, surprising DH with a special cake for his birthday or something, or your DS might plan on making you a card or something with his teacher’s help for yours, and there’s nothing wrong with that, but his teacher and he don’t have secrets per se. Does that makes sense? The idea is that you and Daddy will eventually know anything because that’s how your family works.

Likewise, letting him know periodically that if someone tells him not to tell you something or he’ll get in trouble, he can tell you and know he will never get in trouble. Abusers often tell children that the child will be punished for being abused because it’s “their fault”; this can help circumnavigate that scenario.

Teaching kids the proper anatomical names for their private parts is also a good idea. It can be awkward when they inevitably use those words in public once in a while, but if, God forbid, something happens, “Mr. Smith did XYZ with my p*nis” is far more useful information than “Mr. Smith did XYZ with, umm, you know.”

Teach kids that it’s okay to tell you if they just don’t feel comfortable with someone. Gut instincts are there for a reason. Your kid may well not be comfortable with Mrs. Jones because she’s loud and wears really strong perfume. That doesn’t mean Mrs. Jones is a child molester; it means that you son gets to practice setting a perfectly reasonable boundary of asking Mrs. Jones to shake his hand rather than give him a hug. Child molesters looks for kids who are vulnerable and who feel like they’ll be in trouble if they set boundaries, not kids who are strong enough to say “I don’t like this, stop.” Note: I am not blaming molested children for not stopping their abusers, not at all! I’m saying that molesters like easy targets. Helping your kid not be an easy target is one brick in the wall of doing your best to keep him safe.

Lastly, teach kids not to go with someone other than mom, dad, grandparents and/or the standard babysitter by teaching them a “safe” word that they never, ever tell anyone. It can be something perfectly innocuous–say, the name of a pet you had as a kid. The fact is that most kids are abused by someone they know. If your next-door neighbor pulls up to the kid and says, “Hey, your mom’s sick! Get in the car; we have to go help her!” he’s quite likely to get in the car; after all, he knows the neighbor, and mom’s sick! If you tell him not to do that unless the neighbor says all that, plus “Your mom said to tell you 'Fuzzball,” then that’s one more safety step. (I’m sure the preschool won’t be releasing your kid to anyone who just shows upt, but this can be a valuable tool for later on.)

(Disclosure: DD is still young enough that this stuff isn’t an issue, but I’ve had to go through sex abuse prevention training at my church, and all these tactics were recommended by the folks running the program.)

 

[pensmama87]

Teaching kids the proper anatomical names for their private parts is also a good idea. It can be awkward when they inevitably use those words in public once in a while, but if, God forbid, something happens, “Mr. Smith did XYZ with my p*nis” is far more useful information than “Mr. Smith did XYZ with, umm, you know.”

We did/do this. And yes, they use the words allllll the tiiiiiiime (mostly at home). I don’t know what it is about boys, they somehow learn that jokes about private parts are hilarious. But yes, they are not afraid of using the correct words. I actually have been trying to teach them to be a little more discreet in their usage, but I also don’t want that to backfire and be about shame, KWIM?

(It could be the same for girls, but I have no idea in that department).

Lastly, teach kids not to go with someone other than mom, dad, grandparents and/or the standard babysitter by teaching them a “safe” word that they never, ever tell anyone. It can be something perfectly innocuous–say, the name of a pet you had as a kid. The fact is that most kids are abused by someone they know. If your next-door neighbor pulls up to the kid and says, “Hey, your mom’s sick! Get in the car; we have to go help her!” he’s quite likely to get in the car; after all, he knows the neighbor, and mom’s sick! If you tell him not to do that unless the neighbor says all that, plus “Your mom said to tell you 'Fuzzball,” then that’s one more safety step. (I’m sure the preschool won’t be releasing your kid to anyone who just shows upt, but this can be a valuable tool for later on.)

Ooooo, thank you, this is excellent advice.

When I was picking up one of my babysitting kids from kindergarten there was a protocol they followed and I imagine the preschool will be similar.

We also live in an area where a lot of kids walk to and from school, and the community generally looks out for each other, but as he gets older that was a concern that I had.

(Disclosure: DD is still young enough that this stuff isn’t an issue, but I’ve had to go through sex abuse prevention training at my church, and all these tactics were recommended by the folks running the program.)

Thank you! When I was teaching I went through some information on these issues, but because I taught in middle and high schools it was covered very differently than what you might expect for preschool and early elementary ages.

 

[Allegra]

I think at that age, the best course of action is to teach them that their private parts are private and no one should be touching them, looking at them, or showing them at school.

One should also instruct their children that no one should be telling them to keep secrets from their parents. If another adults tells them not to tell their parents something, it’s pretty much a sure bet that they need to be told. I would rather have to pretend to be surprised at a gift or a birthday party than have my child feel that they can’t tell me something. In many cases, the grooming process includes many “secrets” before any actual physical abuse takes place. If Ms. So-and-so tells a child not to tell their parents that they were invited to a “special lunch” while the rest of the children were in the lunch room, and the child tells the parent, that could raise a red flag that the parent can act on before the child is victimized.

Lastly, parents should be involved in their child’s school life. Ask the child questions about what went on at school. Ask the teacher how the child is doing. Don’t be afraid to raise concerns. Being very visible will discourage any potential predators from picking your child out as an “easy target”. It could also give you a heads up if anything suspicious or inappropriate is going on.

 

[Xantippe]

We have bigger kids, and while I feel like we need to do more with personal safety instruction (especially as they get more independent), one thing we’ve done that I am happy about is stressing that authority is LIMITED. The example I’ve given the kids is that while they should do school work if their teachers tell them to, if their teachers tell them to steal candy, they shouldn’t.

I need to come up with some more examples, because I’ve used that one too many times, but I’m hoping that the kids understand the basic principle. Authority is limited and even legitimate authorities do not deserve unquestioning total obedience.

 

[Xantippe]

Also, if certain people make our kids uncomfortable, and there’s no particular reason for us to be around that particular person, we can make alternate plans. For instance, the pastor at our old parish really spooked our kids, so we don’t go to confession there and we’ve moved to a new parish. I don’t think the pastor was doing anything inappropriate, but we have sensitive children, Father isn’t Mr. Pastoral, and he was frightening them. (Also, his sermons were DEPRESSING and inappropriate for our sensitive middle child. Middle child needs more hope and encouragement.)

Unfortunately, kids often dislike being handled by doctor, nurses, dentists, dental hygienists, and hair stylists or even having their teeth brushed or hair brushed at home, so with small children, you really can’t say, “Nobody has the right to touch you without your permission.” But that’s an appropriate thing to teach big kids, once they’ve reached the point where they are responsible for caring for their bodies and aren’t violently resisting essential basic care.

 

[Xantippe]

I will share my thoughts here although they may not be common. I am VERY against teaching a young child to “say no and try to get away” as a way to prepare them for how to deal with possible predators in their lives. Most four-year-olds are just not in a position to say “no” or get away from an adult who is a master manipulator. Telling them they need to do so (in my opinion) can cause them worry and feel they are responsible for protecting themselves, when it is really the adults in their lives who are, or should be the responsible ones.

**I think that’s very sensible when talking about 4-year-olds.
**

Here is my fear, that we are putting a lot of the responsibility for the protection of our children on our CHILDREN, maybe not deliberately but it is happening and I am afraid it gives a false hope. I don’t care how many talks we give our children, how many virtus videos they watch, how many passwords we give them I believe it creates a façade and a false hope. Xantippe gave great advice! Tell your children to listen to other adults but their authority is limited. Allegra gave great advice too when she mentioned being involved. Be the parent that shows up, writes notes, sends emails, calls constantly.

**Yeah.

I think that little kids’ best hope is

1. parents thinking long and hard about who gets to spend time with them and making it clear to other adults that they are thinking long and hard

and

1. parents keeping open lines of communication with kids so that if anything isn’t right, that the kids will confide in them without fear, knowing that the parents have a history of trusting them and acting in their defense rather than shooting the messenger.

Also, there’s nothing wrong with being the only other parent to show up at a children’s birthday party (as long as you warn your hosts in advance) if you don’t know the other family really well.

Also, for bigger kids, cell phones are wonderful things. If there’s anything weird going on, they can excuse themselves to the bathroom and call for back up.
**

 

[pensmama87]

I will pray for your precious child that is a big step!

I will share my thoughts here although they may not be common. I am VERY against teaching a young child to “say no and try to get away” as a way to prepare them for how to deal with possible predators in their lives. Most four-year-olds are just not in a position to say “no” or get away from an adult who is a master manipulator. Telling them they need to do so (in my opinion) can cause them worry and feel they are responsible for protecting themselves, when it is really the adults in their lives who are, or should be the responsible ones.

I think of some of the stories not too far from me in Northern California. There were many altar boys abused by priests, very sad indeed. Well many of those altar boys were even teenagers and nearly as tall or even taller than the priests involved, yet none of them got away or fought, or even tried to get away. What does that tell you?

Here is my fear, that we are putting a lot of the responsibility for the protection of our children on our CHILDREN, maybe not deliberately but it is happening and I am afraid it gives a false hope. I don’t care how many talks we give our children, how many virtus videos they watch, how many passwords we give them I believe it creates a façade and a false hope. Xantippe gave great advice! Tell your children to listen to other adults but their authority is limited. Allegra gave great advice too when she mentioned being involved. Be the parent that shows up, writes notes, sends emails, calls constantly.

I think to be involved and to love your children and to watch out for them like you are doing is the best that any parent can do. I am not a huge fan of virtus so will limit my comments. God bless and please be assured of my prayers.

I think this is a really good point. I don’t want my child to feel responsible if something were to happen, but I do know that growing up (and even afterwards) there were various things that happened to me that I felt powerless to stop or even speak up and say, “I don’t like this” or “I don’t want it.” Even if a manipulator or abuser weren’t to listen (which would not be surprising), at least then, in my mind, the child would know for sure that they weren’t listened to. From my point of view, I wrestled for a long time making excuses for others because I had never explicitly said “No” even when I wanted to.

That said, I was a very compliant child (my older son is not), our “family rules” such as they were heavily emphasized keeping quiet in the sake of maintaining the peace and looking good, and my parents were not particularly involved. They figured if there was a problem the school would let them know about it. My approach with my kids is very different already because honestly, I felt like I could not confide in my parents and there are things I could tell them, especially in my teen years, that would absolutely horrify them. Not that I need to know every little detail, but if someone is hurting them, I absolutely want to know about it even if they were doing something stupid as part of the whole situation.

I do think my main job now is just “securing the environment” to the extent that I can and letting my kids know that I am interested in them and what is going on in their lives, and making sure other adults know that too. But starting to have these conversations is hard. How do you even bring it up naturally, “Oh, by the way…”??

 

[Xantippe]

I think this is a really good point. I don’t want my child to feel responsible if something were to happen, but I do know that growing up (and even afterwards) there were various things that happened to me that I felt powerless to stop or even speak up and say, “I don’t like this” or “I don’t want it.” Even if a manipulator or abuser weren’t to listen (which would not be surprising), at least then, in my mind, the child would know for sure that they weren’t listened to. From my point of view, I wrestled for a long time making excuses for others because I had never explicitly said “No” even when I wanted to.

That said, I was a very compliant child (my older son is not), our “family rules” such as they were heavily emphasized keeping quiet in the sake of maintaining the peace and looking good, and my parents were not particularly involved. They figured if there was a problem the school would let them know about it. My approach with my kids is very different already because honestly, I felt like I could not confide in my parents and there are things I could tell them, especially in my teen years, that would absolutely horrify them. Not that I need to know every little detail, but if someone is hurting them, I absolutely want to know about it even if they were doing something stupid as part of the whole situation.

I do think my main job now is just “securing the environment” to the extent that I can and letting my kids know that I am interested in them and what is going on in their lives, and making sure other adults know that too. But starting to have these conversations is hard. How do you even bring it up naturally, “Oh, by the way…”??

It’s hopefully not entirely on you. Your kids’ CCD may eventually have talks–ours does. One of the things on the sheet I saw come home a year or so ago was that they were asking kids to write down names of safe adults they could confide in in case of trouble. So that’s helpful–kids already being primed to think, “If I have a problem, I could talk to mom OR nice Mrs. Smith at school.” School may also have talks of some kind, which may or may not be constructive.

Another thing that comes to mind is not forcing children to do purely optional stuff–wearing a particular shirt, hugging a particular relative, having a solo playdate with a particular child, etc. Some unpleasant stuff (like dental procedures or shots) is not optional, but there are many, many areas (indeed most areas of daily life) where the child does deserve the freedom and dignity of making a choice.

 

[pensmama87]

It’s hopefully not entirely on you. Your kids’ CCD may eventually have talks–ours does. One of the things on the sheet I saw come home a year or so ago was that they were asking kids to write down names of safe adults they could confide in in case of trouble. So that’s helpful–kids already being primed to think, “If I have a problem, I could talk to mom OR nice Mrs. Smith at school.” School may also have talks of some kind, which may or may not be constructive.

That’s good to know.

Another thing that comes to mind is not forcing children to do purely optional stuff–wearing a particular shirt, hugging a particular relative, having a solo playdate with a particular child, etc. Some unpleasant stuff (like dental procedures or shots) is not optional, but there are many, many areas (indeed most areas of daily life) where the child does deserve the freedom and dignity of making a choice.

Indeed, my son has done a good job of teaching me that already.

Actually, this is one area in particular where I see his strong will being a huge asset, even though it exhausts me a lot of the time. He knows what he wants and doesn’t want and isn’t afraid at all to say so.

 

[Xantippe]

Actually, this is one area in particular where I see his strong will being a huge asset, even though it exhausts me a lot of the time. He knows what he wants and doesn’t want and isn’t afraid at all to say so.

Yes, I also have a lot of confidence that my oldest child is really good at saying “NO!” She’s pretty much always been the kid least likely to be lured away by a stranger needing help looking for a lost puppy.

Oh–that’s another thing I’ve talked to my big kids about. Strange adults don’t need kids’ help.

Penelope Leach (one of my gurus) recommends telling kids to make a rule of checking in with a parent or caregiver before going anywhere not previously agreed on. This is way, way more helpful than “Don’t talk to strangers!” As you may have already figured out, “Don’t talk to strangers!” is not helpful because 1) pretty much everybody is a stranger to a child–they often don’t know that auntie is auntie or grandpa is grandpa 2) we are constantly demanding that children interact with people they barely know 3) if a child is lost, they need to be able to choose an appropriate stranger to ask for help. (I like “ask a mommy” as good advice for this situation. The last thing a woman with an infant or toddler of her own in tow wants is to steal an extra child! “Look for a uniform” is somewhat less helpful, because lots of people have uniforms, and a child doesn’t necessarily know the difference between a janitor’s uniform and a policeman’s uniform.)

 

[Allegra]

I will pray for your precious child that is a big step!

I will share my thoughts here although they may not be common. I am VERY against teaching a young child to “say no and try to get away” as a way to prepare them for how to deal with possible predators in their lives. Most four-year-olds are just not in a position to say “no” or get away from an adult who is a master manipulator. Telling them they need to do so (in my opinion) can cause them worry and feel they are responsible for protecting themselves, when it is really the adults in their lives who are, or should be the responsible ones.

I think of some of the stories not too far from me in Northern California. There were many altar boys abused by priests, very sad indeed. Well many of those altar boys were even teenagers and nearly as tall or even taller than the priests involved, yet none of them got away or fought, or even tried to get away. What does that tell you?

Here is my fear, that we are putting a lot of the responsibility for the protection of our children on our CHILDREN, maybe not deliberately but it is happening and I am afraid it gives a false hope. I don’t care how many talks we give our children, how many virtus videos they watch, how many passwords we give them I believe it creates a façade and a false hope. Xantippe gave great advice! Tell your children to listen to other adults but their authority is limited. Allegra gave great advice too when she mentioned being involved. Be the parent that shows up, writes notes, sends emails, calls constantly.

I think to be involved and to love your children and to watch out for them like you are doing is the best that any parent can do. I am not a huge fan of virtus so will limit my comments. God bless and please be assured of my prayers.

I think that method is more for the “stranger with candy in the park” scenario. Once upon a time, that’s how we saw potential abusers. We didn’t realize that the vast majority are people we actually know, who we have relationships with, and who are able to slowly and systematically groom children into compliance. Even thought the “stranger” scenario IS far less common, it does happen, so I think it’s important to instruct kids in what to do in that situation as well.

 

[Allegra]

“Look for a uniform” is somewhat less helpful, because lots of people have uniforms, and a child doesn’t necessarily know the difference between a janitor’s uniform and a policeman’s uniform.)

Yeah, and the days of policemen spending their time strolling along the streets and parks, absent-mindedly waving his baton are kind of at an end anyway. The chance of meeting a policeman randomly when a child needs help is pretty slim.

 

[Xantippe]

Yeah, and the days of policemen spending their time strolling along the streets and parks, absent-mindedly waving his baton are kind of at an end anyway. The chance of meeting a policeman randomly when a child needs help is pretty slim.

Exactly.

 

[Allegra]

I understand that the scenario “say no and run” is primarily for strangers, however I still believe it doesn’t work. Predators know and even go to great lengths to study the strategies we teach our children, they are cunning. I have seen experiments where even well-parented and well-coached children were filmed walking off with “strangers” at a park hand-in-hand, much to the surprise and sadness of their parents.

I do not think the situation is hopeless, I think there are many good and practical things we can and should do to protect our children! I also think that the temperament of each child should be taken into consideration and there is no one-size-fits-all solution. I have just not jumped onto the bandwagon of telling our children to “say no and run” because personally I believe it is way overused and rather useless but that’s just my two cents. God bless.

Then, what do you tell your children to do if a stranger wants them to go with them?

 

[Xantippe]

Then, what do you tell your children to do if a stranger wants them to go with them?

Check in with me (or your caregiver) first before going anywhere?

I think that’s not fool-proof, because the kidnapper could still say they were taking the child to you, but I think it’s an improvement.

 

[EasterJoy]

The first thing we were taught is to allow children the authority to reject gestures of intimacy that they don’t want. If some grown-up wants to hug them and they don’t want to, then they don’t have to, no matter who it is. If the Pope wants to hug you and you don’t want to hug him, you don’t have to. If Grandpa wants to hug you and you don’t want to hug him, you don’t have to do it. You ought to be kind the first time you say “no, thank you.” After that, you can just say, “I said no. I’m not going to do it.”

The only exception is when their parent is there and says they have to do it. Let them know that will only be for health, safety, and hygiene, such as doctor’s appointments, tailors taking measurements, and haircuts. Even for that, Mom and Dad will be there, to make sure that what is being done over their objections is the minimum necessary.

 

[Allegra]

Xantippe beat me to the punch. I tell my kids to come and tell me or my husband, or to go to their teacher or whatever trusted adult is there that is in charge. And yes, no situation is foolproof since a manipulative adult can usually outwit an innocent child but that is what we did with all our children.

Isn’t the “run” part of “say no and run”, to run to a trusted adult and tell them what happened? That was always part of our spiel.

 

[Xantippe]

The first thing we were taught is to allow children the authority to reject gestures of intimacy that they don’t want. If some grown-up wants to hug them and they don’t want to, then they don’t have to, no matter who it is. If the Pope wants to hug you and you don’t want to hug him, you don’t have to. If Grandpa wants to hug you and you don’t want to hug him, you don’t have to do it. You ought to be kind the first time you say “no, thank you.” After that, you can just say, “I said no. I’m not going to do it.”

The only exception is when their parent is there and says they have to do it. Let them know that will only be for health, safety, and hygiene, such as doctor’s appointments, tailors taking measurements, and haircuts. Even for that, Mom and Dad will be there, to make sure that what is being done over their objections is the minimum necessary.

That’s a very good exception–very easy to understand.