Teaching Teen the right way to date?

[MainBrain]

How do parents make the dating process with their teen a positive one, especially after the first time they found out the teen was dating was after one of the parents found the girlfriend/boyfriend over doing something they should not have been doing? How can parents start over and make the process of dating wholesome and positive after it’s been shameful and sinful?

 

[phil_at_dayboro]

With Great difficulty ,
Best you can do and hope for, is to lead by example , and hopefully they will continue your good ways, most importantly is communicate without seeming to lecture ,
Spend quality time together , be interested in their day without being intrusive ,

 

[MainBrain]

With Great difficulty ,
Best you can do and hope for, is to lead by example , and hopefully they will continue your good ways, most importantly is communicate without seeming to lecture ,
Spend quality time together , be interested in their day without being intrusive ,

I could have done without the “great difficulty” part. lol
I just want to make dating a wholesome positive experience.

 

[Lea101]

Is the teen a girl or a boy? How old? That does affect the way you go about imo

Frankly speaking, as a teen/was a teen, I don’t care about what my dad thinks of dating. I won’t listen to his opinions on it (he thinks I should date in my late 20s, I think I should date if I actually find someone I fancy)

High school romances hardly last anyway. I would just recommend you to teach the faith normally, maybe urge the child to watch some talks about it, steubenville conferences etc…
Imo if my dad caught me having sex with a boy, and he kicked him out and punished me etc, I wouldn’t talk to him much about a boy, even if the boy is a saint (not because dad did anything wrong, but it’s just embarrassing)

Dating to me seems like a personal thing, and as a stubborn (but typical) teenager, I would listen to a speaker/stranger talking about it than my own family.

Focus on repairing the relationship, if it needs repairing. That should be the priority

 

[MainBrain]

Is the teen a girl or a boy? How old? That does affect the way you go about imo

Frankly speaking, as a teen/was a teen, I don’t care about what my dad thinks of dating. I won’t listen to his opinions on it (he thinks I should date in my late 20s, I think I should date if I actually find someone I fancy)

High school romances hardly last anyway. I would just recommend you to teach the faith normally, maybe urge the child to watch some talks about it, steubenville conferences etc…
Imo if my dad caught me having sex with a boy, and he kicked him out and punished me etc, I wouldn’t talk to him much about a boy, even if the boy is a saint (not because dad did anything wrong, but it’s just embarrassing)

Dating to me seems like a personal thing, and as a stubborn (but typical) teenager, I would listen to a speaker/stranger talking about it than my own family.

Focus on repairing the relationship, if it needs repairing. That should be the priority

Boy age 15.

 

[phil_at_dayboro]

Well I have 3. Sons , 1 step son & 1 step Daughter

Step Daughter has caused me more grief than the 4. Boys put together ,X 4

But we all survived , I had little if any influence as to whom they dated etc

I’d like to think we all survived because I stayed calm and didn’t stop communicating ,

And lead by example ,failed several times ,but that proved to them that I’m only human,

 

[Blessedwithfive]

We stated some simple rules WAY BEFORE they were of age to date. (That’s not to say it was perfect, many rules were broken, but at least they knew the rule to begin with)

Our very first rule was no dating until 16. None. No group dates either. They could go to a school dance and meet a boy there and call it a date, but that was about it.

Our second rule was that the girl or boy needed to come to our house for a family dinner for the first date. Then they would be required to participate in whatever “family fun” activity we had planned. Sometimes that would be watching a movie as a family, sometimes a board game, maybe bowling, making cookies, whatever we were doing they joined.

After that more freedom was given.

Third big rule is they can’t be in the others house with out parents home and the same rule is at our house.

I feel for you…my oldest broke all the rules just out of spite I think. When we caught her “dating” and at the “boyfriends house” with out the parents home, we required all contact to be at our house. Car was taken away and we began to really track where she was. He didn’t last long. She grew into a responsible adult and now thanks us for all the restrictions.

While I agree with the other poster that many of these romances don’t last, please remember, babies do last a lifetime. And yes, it can happen…

Oh, and lots of prayers

 

[Irishmom2]

How do parents make the dating process with their teen a positive one, especially after the first time they found out the teen was dating was after one of the parents found the girlfriend/boyfriend over doing something they should not have been doing? How can parents start over and make the process of dating wholesome and positive after it’s been shameful and sinful?

It all depends on whether what they were doing was inappropriate, or violating the girls house rules or whether they both were just saying they didn’t care about what is right. It’s one thing to really not know, it’s another to break rules on purpose.

The way you make it wholesome and positive is to actually sit down with him whether he likes it or not, and say this is what you should do on dates and this is what you don’t do. Sorry, but the cat has already been let out of the bag, and you are going to need to put it back in even if it sounds negative to your son.

And there needs to be very strict rules followed for visiting one another’s homes. Bedrooms are off limits. No visits when parents aren’t home.

Perhaps you and your wife can role play and show your son how to handle certain topics and conversations so he knows.

 

[1lucy1]

my old rule was: first date must be dinner with the family, dates must be in public

but then I kind of realised that no teenager is going to want to spend time with the family on the first date, it’s seen as a step to take when they are “serious” about each other. So the teenager will probably not tell mom and dad about his/her relationships. (that’s my experience, I understand that this could work with teens that are close with their family)

So I kind of changed it to: first couple of dates must be in public, when they established a relationship (as in girlfriend and boyfriend, not two people just “hanging”), then they should introduce him/her to the family. Before that however, the parents must be told that the child is going on a date. Name, age, how they met must be told. my vow to the kids is that I won’t freak out if they tell me that they are going on a date (but I’ll secretly stalk the person on social media)

my oldest daughter is a hopeless case (not to sound horrible, i just know that she won’t tell me if she is dating or not)

my other daughter is still not interested in boys, she is in a girls’ school anyway. She has crushes on male celebrities but that’s about it (she says that there’s no good looking guys here, haha)

son says there’s no girl he cares about, even in a platonic way He’s in the “dating makes me poor” stage

So I don’t know if my advice will work or not.

 

[pensmama87]

We stated some simple rules WAY BEFORE they were of age to date. (That’s not to say it was perfect, many rules were broken, but at least they knew the rule to begin with)

Our very first rule was no dating until 16. None. No group dates either. They could go to a school dance and meet a boy there and call it a date, but that was about it.

Our second rule was that the girl or boy needed to come to our house for a family dinner for the first date. Then they would be required to participate in whatever “family fun” activity we had planned. Sometimes that would be watching a movie as a family, sometimes a board game, maybe bowling, making cookies, whatever we were doing they joined.

After that more freedom was given.

Third big rule is they can’t be in the others house with out parents home and the same rule is at our house.

I feel for you…my oldest broke all the rules just out of spite I think. When we caught her “dating” and at the “boyfriends house” with out the parents home, we required all contact to be at our house. Car was taken away and we began to really track where she was. He didn’t last long. She grew into a responsible adult and now thanks us for all the restrictions.

While I agree with the other poster that many of these romances don’t last, please remember, babies do last a lifetime. And yes, it can happen…

Oh, and lots of prayers

These sound very reasonable.

I don’t necessarily believe in chaperoning, especially once children are adults, but I do think due to adolescents’ somewhat impulsive natures they require more supervision when it comes to dating than they think they do. My children are young, but dating as a teen should be (IMO) about learning social skills, having fun, and figuring out what kind of person the teen is and what kind of people the teen gets along with best. You don’t need lots of alone time for that.

 

[Irishmom2]

Yes, I agree 1lucy1, a date should be just that, a date. Movies, mini golf, homework at the library even, but not hanging out at someone’s house. That is for later.

 

[Blessedwithfive]

Yes, I agree 1lucy1, a date should be just that, a date. Movies, mini golf, homework at the library even, but not hanging out at someone’s house. That is for later.

I agree with dates should be away from the house as well but with the new teen driving laws in our state, kids are not allowed to drive alone until they are almost 17 and then it is another full year before they can have a friend in the car. My daughter was literally going to college and unable to drive a friend to Walmart! And having them both drive to the movies is an accident waiting to happen. That is why we usually host the “friend” at our house with some type of activity planned.

Like I said, it was not always perfect. My kids are now 13, 17, 18, 21, and 22. It was and still is very difficult, but I love having the “rules” to fall back on.

And remember, you are the parent which means you get to make the rules. (And you can change the rules as yo see fit) I had to have a friend tell me that about ten years ago, and I often think about that.

 

[Monica4316]

If I had a daughter or son I think I’d want for them to save being in a relationship for when they’re more ready to look at marriage or moving towards that, and for now concentrate on good friendships. If they wanted to get to know people as friends I’d suggest group gatherings with other teens who would not be a bad influence. If they are not too young and interested in.someone, I’d probably invite them to meet the family. I wouldn’t let them be alone in a room and if they date its best to go on group dates or meet at a public place. I’d also try to talk to my child about chastity and why it exists, from a positive perspective too, and encourage the couple to pray together at times.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Well, you are not going to like what I have to say, but I would start by apologizing to your son for not preparing him in advance.

If you caught your son being intimate with a girl in your house, that tells me the mere fact he was being intimate in your house means he seriously though he could get away with it. If he though that, it means you did not have the talk soon enough. When I was 15 I just knew that if my parents caught me with a boy in their house I wouldn’t be able to sit for a month. Your son obviously was not aware of the house rules.

Again, apologize for not making it clearer sooner and just tell him the rules. Case close

 

[MainBrain]

You can only MAKE and control so much, not that you shouldn’t try to influence your child but you should try and influence the decisions they make not control what actually happens there is a difference and believe me I kept a pretty tight reign on my teens. A lot depends on your child, your child’s temperament, and a great deal frankly depends on your child’s companion. If your child has a companion that is a wholesome and positive person that will impact the dating experience vs. if their dating companion is not a wholesome and positive person.

Who is your child drawn to? Who is your child hanging out with? What kind of decisions has your child been making? Does your child believe they have been forgiven for the mistake they made? Going to confession and believing there is forgiveness is huge! Tell your child you are all going to confession and their soul is as white as snow, washed clean by the blood of Jesus this is huge. After this keep your eyes wide open of course, but your message needs to be that confession washes us clean and makes us new.

I teach my child about confessing sin to Christ. However, my child is not being raised a Catholic.

 

[ShrodingersCat]

How do parents make the dating process with their teen a positive one, especially after the first time they found out the teen was dating was after one of the parents found the girlfriend/boyfriend over doing something they should not have been doing? How can parents start over and make the process of dating wholesome and positive after it’s been shameful and sinful?

No idea; I don’t have kids yet. My parents would have banned dating 'til 18 if that happened - no slack was cut for us. Depending on the kid that could backfire and just make them sneak around more or resent you. I think the best thing you can do is try and convince them that they deserve better than guys who want to “do things” with them. There are plenty of great chastity talks that are funny and enjoyable like Jason Evert’s ones.

 

[ShrodingersCat]

We stated some simple rules WAY BEFORE they were of age to date. (That’s not to say it was perfect, many rules were broken, but at least they knew the rule to begin with)

Our very first rule was no dating until 16. None. No group dates either. They could go to a school dance and meet a boy there and call it a date, but that was about it.

Our second rule was that the girl or boy needed to come to our house for a family dinner for the first date. Then they would be required to participate in whatever “family fun” activity we had planned. Sometimes that would be watching a movie as a family, sometimes a board game, maybe bowling, making cookies, whatever we were doing they joined.

After that more freedom was given.

Third big rule is they can’t be in the others house with out parents home and the same rule is at our house.

I feel for you…my oldest broke all the rules just out of spite I think. When we caught her “dating” and at the “boyfriends house” with out the parents home, we required all contact to be at our house. Car was taken away and we began to really track where she was. He didn’t last long. She grew into a responsible adult and now thanks us for all the restrictions.

While I agree with the other poster that many of these romances don’t last, please remember, babies do last a lifetime. And yes, it can happen…

Oh, and lots of prayers

I think this sounds like good advice. Glad the restrictions worked out. They can backfire too, but are probably the best option.

 

[MainBrain]

After finding a teen in inappropriate sinful relations with the opposite sex, and saying they can’t see each other, should the parents allow the teens, in time to see each other as long as they are chaperoned?

 

[Blessedwithfive]

After finding a teen in inappropriate sinful relations with the opposite sex, and saying they can’t see each other, should the parents allow the teens, in time to see each other as long as they are chaperoned?

Yup. That is what forgiveness is all about. Starting new again. It is something we teach but it is hard to live.

 

[pensmama87]

Yup. That is what forgiveness is all about. Starting new again. It is something we teach but it is hard to live.

Yes, with the “in time” possibly meaning a great deal of time depending on the teens in question. I’d treat 13 year olds differently than an older teen close to leaving home. There would also be conditions (supervised or at least public as you said), but also keeping commitments to family, school and parish, etc.

One problem I see with teens dating, especially exclusively and seriously at young ages, is that they seem to have a lot of difficulty growing up, achieving independence, and goal setting. The other person, who’s also not mature, becomes the other person’s whole world and I don’t think that’s healthy.

Yes, forgive, but maybe not forget, for the teen’s sake.