Teaching & treating those who have invisible disabilities with Compassion

[1990Domer]

Hi Everyone,

I had a meeting with my son’s therapist to go over the talk I am about to give about invisible disabilities, including either kids who have been or who have not been diagnosed.

Here were the list of disabilities that we felt should be included: Autism, ADHD, anxiety, OCD, depression, bipolar, Tourette’s (which can be a visible disabilitiy as well), and sensory integration dysfunction. Some of these conditions are co-morbid with each other. For instance, my son, in addition to autism (Aspergers, which has since been lumped under autism) has anxiety, ADHD and sensory integration dysfunction. These are all valid medical diagnosis, and my son is considered disabled. I may refer to these kids as special needs children.

My talk is limited to those with invisible disabilities because these kids are the ones who are most frequently mainstreamed (with and without supports) in a typical classroom. Autism will be my primary focus for two reasons: 1) it is a spectrum, so kids with a mild form of autism are usually placed in the least restrictive environment as per federal requirements and 2) it is the fastest growing developmental disability among children.

I have previously started two other threads, and I have been given many suggestions and lots of prayerful support, which I appreciate. I wish I could cover a broader topic of disabilities, but this was what was asked of me and I have a limited amount of time to cover this. And please, this is not to discount those children with visible disabilities. They truly carry large crosses as well. And I have to say that I made a huge mistake by thinking children with visible disabilities (and their parents) have it any easier. They don’t…it’s just different from the world God placed me in.

In any respect, my talk will center on defining, giving examples of and strategies for dealing with children with these diagnosis and showing/teaching compassion. Too many times, teachers and students do not understand that a student/classmate may have an invisible disability. Sometimes they do. In either case, these children need to be shown compassion because they are most ripe for bullying.

Issues that may be minimal for neurotypical kids can have a huge impact on special needs kids. The big message is that teachers should not minimize a child’s problem just because they don’t see it as a problem. Basically, it is wisest to accept that the child told you there is a problem and to address the problem without being judgemental.

Finally, she explained to me that compassion does NOT mean: I get it or I agree with (child’s behavior). It DOES mean being supportive.

So, I am now starting to fill in the gaps to my talk. If people would like to ask me their questions again, I am more than happy to answer if I got them covered today.

While this message should be shown and demonstrated to all children, it just isn’t. Bullying is a problem and bullies come in all shapes and sizes. However, this segment of children are some of the most vulnerable for bullying. As well, bullying does not only mean physical or verbal abuse, it also means spreading false rumors and isolation. Many of these children are bullied because it is difficult for them to make and maintain friendships. In my son’s case, he was ostracized by the rest of his class.

Thank you again for your continued support.

 

[EasterJoy]

Our children were hard of hearing. I’d say the main thing is educating people in the difference between being compassionate and indulgent, the difference between helping and taking away autonomy, and so on.

It is hard to understand what boundaries and goals are appropriate for a given child, what means are the most likely to help the child achieve his or her goals, what ways are the best to navigate within boundaries attainable for him or her unless the child’s gifts, capabilities, challenges and strategies are understood to some extent. You can’t just look at some unwanted outward behavior and say of every child: Do this to him/her, and that will fix THAT!

Sometimes children with different kinds of neurological awareness clash with each other without one being a victim and the other being a predator. Sometimes, there is just a lack of awareness of how to cope with the difficulties the other one presents. The autistic child can give insult to other children without realizing it, just as another child can assault the senses of the autistic child without realizing it. Each is a minefield to which the other is blind.

Bullying is sometimes something done by children who are bona fide sociopaths who like the thrill of having others under their power, of getting someone else in a position where he or she is unable to stop them from doing whatever they want and taking whatever they want. Most of the time, however, inappropriate shows of dominance are committed by children who have self-mastery issues and awareness issues of their own. They may have a sense of empathy that is not fundamentally absent, but rather one that is immature and narrow. What is bullying between Child A and Child B might feel like rough play between Child B and Child C. Children need to be taught to see when a social strategy that one of their friends appreciates is nevertheless a strategy that another friend cannot tolerate or does not want to have to tolerate.

I think there is a two-pronged approach needed. First off, there are certain behaviors that cannot be tolerated from anyone, period. That doesn’t mean these behaviors have to be punished when they were not willful expressions of a desire to harm or dominate others or to rebel against the rules. I mean only that when these actions start to occur they have to be stopped immediately. There is no “compassionate” room for harm or a danger of serious harm, even harm that is not intended.

Secondly, there is a need for social strategizing rooted in empathetic awareness for those who are willing to act in an empathetic manner. Teach people to say not just, “this is a bad situation, it has to stop,” but teach them to ask, “why did this situation happen, what were the motives, what were the risk factors, what preventative measures are feasible, how can the bad situation be identified early and stopped before it has unfolded too far, and so on.” It may be that the empathetic persons in the group will have to strategize together about how to keep the person who refuses to have empathy from trying things that will bring harm to others.

If the idea of the first prong is policing, the idea of the second prong is education, awareness, skill-building, relationship-building, and so on. The first is merely, “Don’t do that” and “If that happens, stop it.” It is necessary, but of limited constructive use. The second is the more constructive: “in order to minimize that, do this, do this, do this, put this in place, be aware of this, say something when you see this” and so on. That requires learning about how the thing you don’t want to happen usually comes about, and then giving everyone ways to help avoid having it happen.

Autism and ADHD aren’t the only things on a continuum. A dominating personality is on a continuum. Empathy is on a continuum. The confidence to speak up and do the right thing is on a continuum. Anger and resentment issues are on a continuum. Self-control of every kind is on a continuum. Everyone has their issues. I think I’d suggest that most students are “mainstreaming” in one way or another, and not single out a few students as the only ones learning their capacities and boundaries.

 

[1990Domer]

Thank you for your (name removed by moderator)ut, EasterJoy. You put a lot of thought into your response, so I truly appreciate your time.

 

[Gertabelle]

I’m sorry I missed your previous thread(s) – to whom are you giving this talk?

The public school where I teach has two autism centers – one which is self-contained, and the other where the students attend general education classes for part of the day.

In some ways, I think our autism students have a disablility that is not so hidden. They may not look different, but their affect and their level of interaction is so different from the general population, that our students notice right away.

Incidentally, we celebrate April as Autism Awareness Month at our school. We model respect and love for every child throughout the year, and our students have picked up on this!

Sometimes I think the hidden disabilities that are most difficult for our students are things like ADHD, ADD, and anxiety disorders. We also have a number of students with bladder/bowel disorders that can cause them sudden humiliation.

And then there’s the kids who are just plain suffering from the stresses of family and home life – drugs, violence, gangs, murder, homelessness, suicide…we’ve seen it all in the lives of our precious students.

Thank you for doing this very good work! Our children don’t going around wearing signs telling others why they can’t focus, why they’re mean on the playground, why they’re 10 years old and just wet their pants, why they’re taking as much food off the “sharing table” as they can stuff into their pockets, why they’re always talking back to teachers or always crying or never saying a word in class.

May God bless your work, and may it bear much fruit!

Gertie

 

[sugarcat]

Good friend of mine has a severely autistic child. He is VERY sensitive to noise, change in general and especially Conflict. The environment he is in makes all the diference. One thing could be difficult in mainstreaming remains - put the sensitive autistic in with the Tourette’s sufferer, and the impulsive, ADD, or the defiant (medicine has all these labels) together and difficulties obviously ensue. It seems a VERY good knowledge of all the children and the environment they’re in is somewhat required! A tough task!

 

[mommy_k]

Perhaps after the symposium, you can ask to start a ministry at your church to empower children on a parish level too. You can share resources and strategies with other families who may need them.

 

[1990Domer]

I’m sorry I missed your previous thread(s) – to whom are you giving this talk?

The public school where I teach has two autism centers – one which is self-contained, and the other where the students attend general education classes for part of the day.

In some ways, I think our autism students have a disablility that is not so hidden. They may not look different, but their affect and their level of interaction is so different from the general population, that our students notice right away.

Incidentally, we celebrate April as Autism Awareness Month at our school. We model respect and love for every child throughout the year, and our students have picked up on this!

Sometimes I think the hidden disabilities that are most difficult for our students are things like ADHD, ADD, and anxiety disorders. We also have a number of students with bladder/bowel disorders that can cause them sudden humiliation.

And then there’s the kids who are just plain suffering from the stresses of family and home life – drugs, violence, gangs, murder, homelessness, suicide…we’ve seen it all in the lives of our precious students.

Thank you for doing this very good work! Our children don’t going around wearing signs telling others why they can’t focus, why they’re mean on the playground, why they’re 10 years old and just wet their pants, why they’re taking as much food off the “sharing table” as they can stuff into their pockets, why they’re always talking back to teachers or always crying or never saying a word in class.

May God bless your work, and may it bear much fruit!

Gertie

I am giving this talk to religious Ed teachers and, possibly, directors of religious Ed. The kids I am focusing on are mainstreamed with invisible disabilities. The therapist helping me with the talk also suggested that I add children coming from or living in difficult circumstances. However, my talk is going to be short, so I have to to very efficient with the points I bring up!

 

[1990Domer]

I wanted to mention that despite my son having some of these disabilities, his issues are not the focus of the talk. I have met with many moms along the way who have tried to keep up their Catholic faith and have their special needs child attend, only to be received with rude remarks and, actually in my case, asked to leave mass altogether.

Finally, I wanted to add the Catholic school I attended would never share with either me or my son’s therapists those behaviors that caused him to be isolated by his peers, the butt of jokes/rumors, or the recipient of very negative comments. We asked many times so we could work on these social skills.

 

[1990Domer]

Good friend of mine has a severely autistic child. He is VERY sensitive to noise, change in general and especially Conflict. The environment he is in makes all the diference. One thing could be difficult in mainstreaming remains - put the sensitive autistic in with the Tourette’s sufferer, and the impulsive, ADD, or the defiant (medicine has all these labels) together and difficulties obviously ensue. It seems a VERY good knowledge of all the children and the environment they’re in is somewhat required! A tough task!

I am sure this happens in religious Ed classes (even mainstreamed kids are sensitive to noises, just that the reaction is less severe). I know it is happening in public schools where they are mixing kids with different diagnoses, and that is a recipe for disaster.

You are so right on this one!

 

[1990Domer]

I am giving this talk to religious Ed teachers and, possibly, directors of religious Ed. The kids I am focusing on are mainstreamed with invisible disabilities. The therapist helping me with the talk also suggested that I add children coming from or living in difficult circumstances. However, my talk is going to be short, so I have to to very efficient with the points I bring up!

I also wanted to add that there are many kids who can “fly under the wire” when it comes to an autism diagnosis. Many spectrum kids don’t get diagnosed until first or second grade. Those are the one who usually remain in a mainstream classroom with supports.

 

[1990Domer]

Monicad,

I had my husband read your post and we were both in tears. God bless our wonderful, faith-filled pastor who believe as you do and what your so eloquently wrote.

So many times my husband has said that the devil attacks at the weakest point, and the family sure fits that bill. Would you mind if I share your post with our pastor for a sermon suggestion?

You are an amazing person and one I truly admire. Did I tell you that our pastor sat down with my son, allayed many of his fears and is going to be an altar boy? God bless him, he is still discerning religious life more than ever.

God’s blessings upon you and your wonderful family. You are a true gift!

 

[gardenswithkids]

I also wanted to add that there are many kids who can “fly under the wire” when it comes to an autism diagnosis. Many spectrum kids don’t get diagnosed until first or second grade. Those are the one who usually remain in a mainstream classroom with supports.

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I wanted to mention that despite my son having some of these disabilities, his issues are not the focus of the talk. I have met with many moms along the way who have tried to keep up their Catholic faith and have their special needs child attend, only to be received with rude remarks and, actually in my case, asked to leave mass altogether.

Not diagnosed until first or second grade, you write? Many adults have only recently been diagnosed with high functioning autism (or Asperger’s, before they changed things) because those types of issues weren’t caught years ago. Some may only get diagnosed around the time their child is identified and diagnosed. Other adults with a low level of tolerance for any child’s behavior might qualify an autism spectrum diagnosis or a diagnosis of ADD, OCD or something else that you can’t see.

Adults with autism or other disorders may be easily distracted by the noises, movements, smells and an assortment of other things that even normal children routinely give off. But even a neuro-typical adult who is not used to children may have a difficult time dealing with normal childish behavior. Remember that even the average, healthy, thee year old acts like someone with the iq of a three year old–and not everyone knows how to deal well with children. Please don’t take it personally when adults say rude things because that experience is not unique to mothers of children with autism.

*Extend to others the kindness you hope they’ll extend to your child. *Your threads have addressed children with autism and a few other disorders, but children eventually grow up. Grown ups with autism (and various other “invisible disabilities”) can be very hard to identify. They don’t come with IEP’s. They don’t wear signs. They may not even have an official diagnosis. The people who insult your child behavior may simply be trying to do their “adult best” to control their environment when faced with sensory or other challenges. They may have managed to become high-functioning enough so as to make it their disorders difficult to recognize. Yes, people are sometimes rude. Or ignorant. Or both. Remember that sometimes rude, ignorant people might even qualify for a diagnosis if a professional were to sit down with them long enough and took a look at their childhood history and patterns of behavior.

 

[1990Domer]

Not diagnosed until first or second grade, you write? Many adults have only recently been diagnosed with high functioning autism (or Asperger’s, before they changed things) because those types of issues weren’t caught years ago. Some may only get diagnosed around the time their child is identified and diagnosed. Other adults with a low level of tolerance for any child’s behavior might qualify an autism spectrum diagnosis or a diagnosis of ADD, OCD or something else that you can’t see.

Adults with autism or other disorders may be easily distracted by the noises, movements, smells and an assortment of other things that even normal children routinely give off. But even a neuro-typical adult who is not used to children may have a difficult time dealing with normal childish behavior. Remember that even the average, healthy, thee year old acts like someone with the iq of a three year old–and not everyone knows how to deal well with children. Please don’t take it personally when adults say rude things because that experience is not unique to mothers of children with autism.

*Extend to others the kindness you hope they’ll extend to your child. *Your threads have addressed children with autism and a few other disorders, but children eventually grow up. Grown ups with autism (and various other “invisible disabilities”) can be very hard to identify. They don’t come with IEP’s. They don’t wear signs. They may not even have an official diagnosis. The people who insult your child behavior may simply be trying to do their “adult best” to control their environment when faced with sensory or other challenges. They may have managed to become high-functioning enough so as to make it their disorders difficult to recognize. Yes, people are sometimes rude. Or ignorant. Or both. Remember that sometimes rude, ignorant people might even qualify for a diagnosis if a professional were to sit down with them long enough and took a look at their childhood history and patterns of behavior.

Trust me, I understand all this, but I am giving a talk to religious Ed teachers with a specific and narrower focus. My husband fits what your wrote above. However, it has not been my experience of those people who have insulted my son. Either they are not minding their own business or feel it is their obligation to correct my parenting habits. I have seen these people interact with others. They do not seem socially un-savvy in the least.

One thing to remember is, as these kids grow up, those who are less impaired see their disabilities fade. Their social skills get better, the handle change and sensory challenges better. That has been well documented. Often it is tied to the IQ of the child.

I am a fairly humble person with a pretty ****** self-esteem. I do not pass judgement on anyone. I have learned to treat everyone, especially the least of us, with respect and compassion. I hope you don’t think I am a snoot. I’m starting to worry.