Teen daughter losing her faith

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sarah_g

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My 13 yr old daughter is going through many struggles lately. First, she is struggling with same sex attraction, which she confessed to me about 6 months ago. She “came out” as pansexual. Lately I have noticed she is completely disengaged at Mass. I confronted her about this and she admitted that she doesn’t believe in God but believes in a higher power. This is pretty much all I could get out of her. She would not explain what she was struggling with, although I assume the SSA is a big part. Next spring is when she would be confirmed, but I feel I cannot force this on her with what she is currently feeling. Any advice is appreciated.
 
Is your daughter in the parish Youth Group?

It is so hard to be a teenager, those hormones are rushing, and then we have a society that tells us that every intimate friendship must be romantic/sexual.

If your parish does not have a membership in Formed.org, it is worth buying it on your own. They have some very good resources for teens about SSA.

I’d suggest you join Encourage and talk to other parents. Also watch both “The Desire of the Everlasting Hills” and “The Third Way” documentaries.
 
She isn’t in any youth group. She is very shy around those she doesn’t know and suffers from very low self esteem. I don’t know if I could convince her to join.

I have joined Encourage, although I don’t post much but it is a comfort knowing I am not alone. I will definitely look into the movies.
 
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I have a 13 year old daughter. She is my oldest of 6. I cannot even fathom her being so sexually involved at thirteen that terms like “pan” sexual would be something she was intent on defining herself as. Granted we homeschool and my kids are well aware (sadly) of the homosexual culture as it is pretty much everywhere now. She shares a room with other younger girls and so this type of sexual exposure is limited for sure. She likes “boys” and understands marriage and her faith well. That being said I wonder where your daughter at 13 is getting this sexual exposure? Are her friends sexually active?

As far as the faith… A 13 year old thinks a lot of things. Things that are limited in understanding and experience.

Confirmation is an extension of Baptism. And as a parent it is your responsibility to see that these sacraments of initiation are accomplished as much if not more than it is your responsibility to make sure your thirteen year old has a good dental treatment or schooling. In some diocese they have moved confirmation back to a more realistic and historically accurate age. But in these times we have sadly misunderstood and perhaps borrowed a tad from our protestant friends and made confirmation some sort of “choice” that we expect a young teen to make.

Do you attend Mass as a family?
 
My daughter, son and myself attend Mass faithfully. My husband is a non-practicing Lutheran who himself is struggling with belief in God. I don’t deny that this contributes to the problem.
 
I second “The Desire of the Everlasting Hills.”

I wonder if your daughter would benefit from some (Catholic) counseling. If she is shy, she may be latching onto ideas and people that are less threatening to her and accepting their “ideas.” Perhaps some counseling on becoming more confident in herself would help.
 
That holds true to the studies that show children follow the faith (or lack of faith) of their dad.

You might want to do some reading over at Strange Notions to learn about answering modern atheism

 
I am honestly not sure where she learned of the term pansexual. I am having an extremely difficult time talking to her about anything. She will just sit and stare at me then start crying. I believe there are some students at school who are dealing with homosexuality as well. She has friends both boys and girls and seems to be well liked in school, but as I said, her self esteem is pretty low.

I am torn on what to do about Confirmation. I do not want to force something on her as I feel our relationship is already strained yet I know that what she needs most is God’s graces.
 
You cannot force Confirmation any more than you can force her to go to Confession.

What you do is make sure she begins the preparation classes. She has until 5 minutes before the Confirmation to back out.

And think about Youth Group. Catholic Youth Ministers are well trained.
 
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I will pray for you. And my only advice is you need to have knowledge of your very young daughter and her influences. Now is not the time to let go but now is the time to be in the very thick of her life.
 
Oh we see things similar so often!
But not here.
Confirmation is an extension of baptism. We don’t force an infant, we just do it because we are commanded to as parents. It is not a choice.
Sadly, it has become one. And somehow it has diminished the sacrament. You cannot force confession. But a 13 year old goes to Mass, should be educated about all the sacraments. We confess as a family. I cannot “force” my kid to say anything, heck I can’t even push them into the confessional, But I sure can drive them there and they can wait in line with me as I go in…

Confirmation in some rites is done at Birth with absolutely no choice on the child’s part. I lament that this was not the case here…

As for youth groups. As a former youth minister I appreciate your words and the majority of the time you are correct. But we have no idea the youth program of her parish or if there even is one or who the youth minister is or if they have been trained. Lets at least put a qualifier in there. LOL I know some awful youth ministers and some amazing ones!
 
If the parish youth minister is lacking, I’d reach out to the Diocese office of Youth!
 
My daughter didn’t want to make confirmation for a while, but she ended up choosing to on her own.

I’ll keep your daughter in my prayers.
13 is a really hard age. I’ve got a 14 almost 15 year old. She’s going through a hard time herself.
 
There’s a path up from this shore. But it’s not always going to be an easy one.

The main of this is at least your daughter felt comfortable enough in your relationship to tell you. I mean at least there’s enough communication going on that you’re not getting caught completely flat. I mean I never felt that close to my mother to let her in on my SSA when it hit me. I kept that whole and totally to myself thank-you-very-much.

So there’s hope. There’s a foundation of something with meaning to stand on at least.

Now I can’t say anything about your husband’s situation. That’s just all beyond anyone’s reach in words right now.

But your daughter? Well here’s the thing. If you can manage to try to understand her where she’s at? This might turn into one of those losing-a-few-battles-but-winning-the-war type of things in the end. I mean if you can show her true care? And true understanding? And not get fierce? Or defensive? Or go into any sort of panic-mode? Well you might not be able to win her over with words. But you’ll go miles towards showing her the proof of faith in action. I mean the basic is you want to show your care for her isn’t based on what she believes or what hole she gets a foot stuck in. You want her to understand the difference between true Christian joy and love vs the temporary shallow loves of the world.

Because that’s where the real impact lies. That’s where she’ll go to when in troubled waters. And that’s what she’ll remember as being equal to safe. Of being equal to peace. Of being equal to true joy.

Because hormones fade. But the deep longing for those times when we felt closest to true love, peace, and joy never do. That’s what we truly crave. That’s what really feeds us in the end.

So I wish you hope in this. Just keep leading by example. And be open to talking about anything. No matter how challenging? Or on-the-surface-tricky.

Peace Sarah. I’ll pray this through for you.

Truly
 
Remember, your daughter is very young. And feelings are not sins…as long as they are not acted upon. You can keep an eye on her, and it would be unlikely that she’d act on these feelings.

Speak to your priest concerning what she has told you. He may have some suggestions and advice for you.

Don’t define her by what she says now. Send her to confirmation class. Do every thing that you would do for a ‘normal’ young girl.

It may turn out that she’s heard the word ‘pansexual’ and is just interested. Many years ago, I had feelings for girls, as well as boys. It’s too bad that we label everything now.

So, just see how things turn out. I would not be worried until she’s 16 or so. And you and she have time to figure things out.

God Bless!
 
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