Teen relationships from a Catholic perspective?

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jeanne71350

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Hey there,

Well, I’m 16 and my boyfriend is 16 too. We’re both Catholics. I really want to abstain until marriage. I believe if I want to be with a man forever, he will be the only one I am with. My boyfriend, on the other hand, thinks otherwise. He believes you should have sex once you’re ready. He says he respects my decision, but I really think he wants to sleep with me. Not now, but later on in the relationship.

How should I handle this?

Thanks!

Jeanne
 
Get a new boyfriend.

Or only meet this guy in your parent’s front room under your father’s watchful eye.

This isn’t a forever guy. You’ve said so yourself. You have nothing in common with him on the important stuff.

Why are you wasting your time with him?

You have about 8 to 10 years of trying to be chaste ahead of you. Don’t make it more difficult by choosing poorly when you go out with guys.

He doesn’t really respect your viewpoint. He’s going to whittle it down till he gets his way. Then you’ll hate him.

And yourself.

Say goodbye to him. You can do better.
 
Exactly what Liberanosamalo said. 👍

Get a new boyfriend. You can do better, and you are worth it!
 
Hmm…well…the “catholic” thing to do would be to wait untill you are married.

Anyways, i’m not a catholic and this isn’t the “christian” in me saying this, it’s the common sense in me. NEVER let anybody push you into anything you are not ready for.
 
Read ‘Good News about Sex and Marriage’ by Christpher West. That book seriously changed my life. It’s in a Q&A format, so it’s very accessible. And it will answer all of your questions. Please read it! Please please please! I made a bunch of stupid mistakes in high school and college, and I can’t begin to tell you how much pain that has caused me. Oh, and you might pass the book along to your boyfriend. If he’s still your boyfriend by the time you’re done reading it.

And yes, God does have the right guy out there for you, if you’re called to marriage. You’re 16! You have pleanty of time, trust me. I’m 22, I was there not so long ago, I remember. But you won’t regret waiting.
 
jeanne71350 said:
Hey there,

Well, I’m 16 and my boyfriend is 16 too. We’re both Catholics. I really want to abstain until marriage. I believe if I want to be with a man forever, he will be the only one I am with. My boyfriend, on the other hand, thinks otherwise. He believes you should have sex once you’re ready. He says he respects my decision, but I really think he wants to sleep with me. Not now, but later on in the relationship.

How should I handle this?

Thanks!

Jeanne
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Get a different boyfriend. One who respects you and values his own purity as well as yours. A Godly man does not want to put anything in your path that will cause you to sin. A Godly man cares for his future spouse as St. Paul describes it in Ephesians 5-- like Christ, laying down his life for his Bride.

Visit www.pureloveclub.com and really take to heart what Jason and Christalina Evert have to say. Continue to study what the Church teaches and why.

Or better yet-- no boyfriend at all. Dating is for the purpose of discerning marriage. Dating can wait until you have discerned that you are call to marriage and are in a place where you could get married within a reasonable time period. Dating as a teen is a really bad idea because you develop feelings you cannot act on, and often act on feelings you shouldn’t.
 
Joining my voice to the others here …

It’s just a fact that after awhile of being chaste, you’ll have at least one moment where the burden of that decision is too hard for just you. At that moment, it matters immensely whether you’re with a guy who will back up the decision you originally made, or whether this is a guy who will take your “moment of weakness” for changing your mind.

Find a guy who has the same values as you, and you won’t feel like you have to be the one responsible for keeping things chaste all the time. That is really too big of a job for one person to do alone. Let me tell you, if my fiance didn’t take his share of that job, we probably would not be planning the white wedding that we are. 😉 I know my weakness, and I know enough to go out with someone who will help me with this.
 
jeanne71350 said:
Hey there,

How should I handle this?
Click to expand...
get a different boyfriend
don’t even waste time with boys who do not share your values.
since it will be years before you can date seriously, with a view to eventual courtship and marriage, don’t even get in a relationship where that level of romantic involvement is a possibility until you are ready for marriage.
 
I know this may seem hard to believe, but there are actually guys your age who are willing to wait - don’t believe everything you hear. I’m not talking about nerdy, “unsporty” dorks - there are nice looking, God-fearing boys out there who will not admit it to their friends, but they are looking for a girl with some self-respect. BE THAT GIRL!!! Get away from this guy you are speaking about before he breaks you down and believe me, in time he will break you down.
 
jeanne71350 said:
Hey there,

Well, I’m 16 and my boyfriend is 16 too. We’re both Catholics. I really want to abstain until marriage. I believe if I want to be with a man forever, he will be the only one I am with. My boyfriend, on the other hand, thinks otherwise. He believes you should have sex once you’re ready. He says he respects my decision, but I really think he wants to sleep with me. Not now, but later on in the relationship.

How should I handle this?

Thanks!

Jeanne
Click to expand...
Have you talked about this? Regardless of what the other posters said you did not in the above quote say you don’t want to be with this guy forever, I get the feeling that you don’t know… and that’s perfectly ok at 16. But nowhere in the message did you say he didn’t share your vaules, you said “I really think he wants to sleep with me, not now but later.” The words “think” is where I assume you don’t know for sure and later… may never come. You might find you are incompatible on numerous issues before then.

I disagree you should dump the guy just because he is attracted to you. He is a 16 year old boy, if he didn’t want to I would be more worried. Most importantly you said that he stated that he respects your decision, that IS the most important. Having the desire to and actually doing so are two different things. Sometimes honesty is the best way.

So here is what you do. If you like/love him go out with him. If you don’t then don’t. If in time he begins to pressure you and show you that he really doesn’t respect your decision… then break up.

The truth is that statistically a lot of people never make it as a virgin until marriage. If you are truly committed to that then that and your love will be the most AWESOME gift you and your future husband can ever give each other.

Be warned, it will not be easy. I believe that sometimes we seem to forget what it was like to be a teenager. But it can be done with the Grace of our Lord Jesus Christ and easier than you may think. No… I didn’t contradict myself. From the world’s perspective it will not be easy, but there are people, and resources and most importantly Our Lord who will give you strength.

Truly I would not break up with someone because they are attracted to you. However if they make it clear that they do not have the same goals by bringing up the subject all the time or hinting how great it would be, then it would be best to do as the other posters suggested and move on. Don’t let him or anyone else manipulate you.

There ARE MANY good young men out there, never drop your standards because they want to drop theirs.

While I actually think “The good news about sex and marriage” is more for those considering marriage, there ARE a lot of good Theology of the Body resources online, just google it!

Joe
 
Hi everyone,

I just want to make this clear, that he is not after me right now. We just started dating about 2 months ago. He’s very attracted to me. He understands about my promise. I have a ring and everything. It’s just, he’s a teeange boy and I know sometimes teenage boys can’t control themelves. What if the time comes, and he wants to do something? I really like him, almost love him, but I don’t want to lose my virginity to him. He is a good friend and a good person, but I really don’t plan on being with him the rest of my life. We’re pretty much just high school sweethearts.

oh yes and Theology of the Body is awesome!

-Jeanne
 
Well, if you don’t plan on being with him or losing your virginity to him…your kinda leading him on
 
jeanne71350 said:
Hi everyone,

I just want to make this clear, that he is not after me right now. We just started dating about 2 months ago. He’s very attracted to me. He understands about my promise. I have a ring and everything. It’s just, he’s a teeange boy and I know sometimes teenage boys can’t control themelves. What if the time comes, and he wants to do something? I really like him, almost love him, but I don’t want to lose my virginity to him. He is a good friend and a good person, but I really don’t plan on being with him the rest of my life. We’re pretty much just high school sweethearts.

oh yes and Theology of the Body is awesome!

-Jeanne
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Oh, I get what you are saying. When that moment arises, it will be up to you to put on the breaks. You are right - he is a teenage boy and sometimes they can’t control themselves, but I bet you can! Be strong and he will respect you for it. Before I met my husband, I dated several really nice guys, but like you said, they reached that point where they felt “out of control.” That moment came when the control was in my hands and I said no. At first, they were disappointed, but after they “cool down” they look at you like an angel!! Then, a few weeks later the relationship would end and I still had my dignity. That happened several times until I met my husband. I’m 32 years old now and I still see some of those guys and I can hold my head up high and they still have loads of respect for me because they saw my strength in that moment. Pray for that strength because you know it is what God wants for you!
 
jeanne71350 said:
I really like him, almost love him, but I don’t want to lose my virginity to him. He is a good friend and a good person, but I really don’t plan on being with him the rest of my life. We’re pretty much just high school sweethearts.
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Only have sex with someone you DO plan on being with the rest of your life. And only after he has made that promise in front of a priest and at least two witnesses and pronounced marriage vows.
 
JimG said:
Only have sex with someone you DO plan on being with the rest of your life. And only after he has made that promise in front of a priest and at least two witnesses and pronounced marriage vows.
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Excellent advice!

I’ll give the guy just SOME benefit of the doubt, though. I recall my younger years and this culture has only gotten worse. To help you and he understand the problem better, I suggest you pick up a copy of this book. Mary Beth Bonacci has been in your shoes and she can help you both understand why chastity is such an important concept. If he doesn’t get it, then he probably is a poor fit for you.
 
If you end up in any situation where clothing that covers areas normally covered by a swimsuit is being unbuttoned, unzipped, moved aside, or removed, then it’s time to say the words: “No. This isn’t right. It’s time to go home.”

That’s when red lights flash. And the word you need to learn to say and mean it is “No.” Because this boy won’t be the last. You still have college and years of dating. And they don’t get less persistent the older they get.

Learn early to say “No. I don’t want to be the reason you go to hell.”

What are they going to do? Argue with that?

I had a guy I liked when I was a teen whom I never even kissed. Years later, he died of cancer. We were still friends. And I remember thinking when I got “the call” that I was glad looking back that whatever purgatory he had was not due to any actions on my part. And because we didn’t go too far, I was still able to be a close friend to him years later when he needed a friend the most.

I know when you’re 16 you don’t think of those things. But look down the road. You’re on a good road. Stay on it. 👍
 
jeanne71350 said:
Hi everyone,

I just want to make this clear, that he is not after me right now. We just started dating about 2 months ago. He’s very attracted to me. He understands about my promise. I have a ring and everything. It’s just, he’s a teeange boy and I know sometimes teenage boys can’t control themelves. What if the time comes, and he wants to do something? I really like him, almost love him, but I don’t want to lose my virginity to him. He is a good friend and a good person, but I really don’t plan on being with him the rest of my life. We’re pretty much just high school sweethearts.

oh yes and Theology of the Body is awesome!

-Jeanne
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Jeanne, in that case, he shouldn’t be your boyfriend. Do not date anyone that you already see you don’t want to marry in the future. Otherwise you’re starting a relationship at some point to break up at a later one. That’s not good.

Please note, however, that I’m not talking about not already having detailed plans for the future. When someone is your boyfriend, you don’t know yet. After some time you know and then you decide. However, if you already know that you won’t be marrying that person, there’s no reason to have a relationship.

Plus, no boy or man is worth losing virginity to him before marriage. No matter what he says and some will say a lot.
 
jeanne71350 said:
It’s just, he’s a teeange boy and I know sometimes teenage boys can’t control themelves.
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There are scores of faithful young men who do not roll over to sin and say “I cannot control myself”, who love God more than anything and who respect the moral life.

Why get gushy romantic on somebody who does not witness Christ to the world and to you?
 
JimG said:
Only have sex with someone you DO plan on being with the rest of your life. And only after he has made that promise in front of a priest and at least two witnesses and pronounced marriage vows.
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I suppose I should explain this a little, if only because it strikes so many it our current society as just impossible to forego having sex until one is married. People seem to think it’s like saying, ‘just hold your breath for 20 years!’

But the fact is, no matter what your mind intends or what your emotions try to override, your body knows. When you have sex with someone, your body knows what its about.

It’s about a promise of life and of fidelity and permanence. Your body knows that new life could result, and that new life will need parents for several decades. Faithful parents. So your body and your emotions will bond to this person; your body and your emotions will make a commitment even if you didn’t mean to. That’s why it’s called marital relations.

And if you really didn’t mean to make a promise that your body has already made, it can only lead to heartbreak.
 
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