Teen with major behavior issues

[4Families]

Hi,

I posted a while ago asking if anyone knew of a Catholic therapy program, a wilderness training type of program, for a teen who needs such a thing. Someone suggested looking into Boys Town which I did but it does not seem to be what we need. We looked into a program in our state and were about to use it when we learned some things that definitely changed our mind. We have looked into many other things and it is very difficult to evaluate these programs. They are expensive and fairly unregulated and it is so hard to tell if they work or are worth the time and money.

There must be parents on this forum who have dealt with the issues we have with our son - drinking, drugs, sex, seriously defiant behavior - all from a 15 year old. He needs to get out of this town, to get away from the awful “friends” that he has. If I could keep him home and keep him away from them, I definitely would prefer that, but if I have to send him away to a GOOD program, for his sake I certainly would do that. His father and I are divorced but his father is willing to go into debt if a program would work for our son.

If anyone has successfully dealt with this behavior in their child, I would appreciate knowing what worked for you.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Can you tell us what program you decided not to use? I won’t recommend anything I’ve looked at if I know you decided against it.

There are not many of these programs left, and none Catholic that I know of. The ones that are left are probably safe, but of course one never knows. The decision we made was that our son had every chance of getting in serious trouble going forward so we were willing to take some amount of risk.

Outward Bound is probably the safest overall. But they are secular.

 

[HouseArrest]

Have you looked at JP2 Adventures in Colorado? I don’t have any experience with them but it looks like a good program. I believe I first read about the camp through the National Catholic Register. The web address is www.camp-w.com. Of course it looks like they offer only one week in the summer so you’d have to wait until 2013.

 

[St_Francis]

Hi,

I posted a while ago asking if anyone knew of a Catholic therapy program, a wilderness training type of program, for a teen who needs such a thing. Someone suggested looking into Boys Town which I did but it does not seem to be what we need. We looked into a program in our state and were about to use it when we learned some things that definitely changed our mind. We have looked into many other things and it is very difficult to evaluate these programs. They are expensive and fairly unregulated and it is so hard to tell if they work or are worth the time and money.

There must be parents on this forum who have dealt with the issues we have with our son - drinking, drugs, sex, seriously defiant behavior - all from a 15 year old. He needs to get out of this town, to get away from the awful “friends” that he has. If I could keep him home and keep him away from them, I definitely would prefer that, but if I have to send him away to a GOOD program, for his sake I certainly would do that. His father and I are divorced but his father is willing to go into debt if a program would work for our son.

If anyone has successfully dealt with this behavior in their child, I would appreciate knowing what worked for you.

I have talked with many people about the “geographic cure,” and most say that it doesn’t work. It can help after the teen himself has decided to change, but not as the primary element of change. They just find others like them at the new place.

Your son seems like he is acting out his unhappiness with something, and he is at an age where he really needs his father. Obviously you both love and care for him, but it sounds like your son is not feeling that.

I do not often recommend counseling but in this situation, it seems like it would be a good idea to find a *well-recommended *counselor who has a lot of experience and success counseling *families *with unhappy teens. I would suggest that both you and your (ETA: your son’s father, your ex-)husband would have to be involved as well, to learn how to communicate your love for your son in a way that he will understand and that will help him. The schools around you may be able to recommend someone like this, or you could contact Dr Popcak or Dr Guarendi, each of whom has a show on EWTN so you can listen to get a feel for them. They may be able to recommend someone in your area (Dr Popcak esp seems to have developed a network).

The only other thing I can recommend is devotion to the Sacred Heart of Jesus. There are lots of explanations of this devotion, some of which are more traditional and others less so.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Have you looked at JP2 Adventures in Colorado? I don’t have any experience with them but it looks like a good program. I believe I first read about the camp through the National Catholic Register. The web address is www.camp-w.com. Of course it looks like they offer only one week in the summer so you’d have to wait until 2013.

I couldn’t discover if they are really set up for troubled teens. Are they more of an early intervention type of camp, or not geared for troubled or very troubled teens?

 

[HouseArrest]

I couldn’t discover if they are really set up for troubled teens. Are they more of an early intervention type of camp, or not geared for troubled or very troubled teens?

You bring up a good point. I suppose if the teen is dabbling in undesirable behavior it may work. If there is a history of defiance, fighting, and such, probably not.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

You bring up a good point. I suppose if the teen is dabbling in undesirable behavior it may work. If there is a history of defiance, fighting, and such, probably not.

Yes, I don’t think this camp is set up for the “drinking, drugs, sex and serious defiance” that the OP is seeing from her son. Most camps aren’t.

 

[triumphguy]

I taught street kids for four years (after working in the prison system), and then was a school administrator, so I have seen every behaviour imaginable.

I consistent thing I learned: Kid’s behaviour does not occur in isolation to the family dynamic.

To change one person in the family ALL people must change.

For example: two important area are 1. The family’s way of communicating and talking/listening to each other; 2. The behaviour of the parents (it must be consistent with the kind of behaviour expected from the kids).

Families can’t always see these dynamics from their viewpoints. It often helps to bring in a professional third party.

(Exception to the above - a medical or psychiatric condition underlying the behaviour)

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I taught street kids for four years (after working in the prison system), and then was a school administrator, so I have seen every behaviour imaginable.

I consistent thing I learned: Kid’s behaviour does not occur in isolation to the family dynamic.

To change one person in the family ALL people must change.

For example: two important area are 1. The family’s way of communicating and talking/listening to each other; 2. The behaviour of the parents (it must be consistent with the kind of behaviour expected from the kids).

Families can’t always see these dynamics from their viewpoints. It often helps to bring in a professional third party.

(Exception to the above - a medical or psychiatric condition underlying the behaviour)

Very true. Many of the intervention camps require a parents’ program at the end of the camp. However, if the behavior of the errant teen starts to improve, and he/she takes responsibility for his/her previous mistakes, a lot of the past pain starts to heal. It takes time to restore trust, from both sides.

And the camp or other intervention cannot do the entire job. At best, it will take the teen away from the bad choices they are making, and insert them into a new milieu long enough to get some recognition that their choices have been bad. If the teen has had a conscience formed along the way, that conscience can be awakened by skilled counselors.

It’s a gamble, but one that some of us had to take, in order to stop our kids from a bad path.

 

[triumphguy]

I agree. It does time time to heal, to change and to trust each other.

Camps can work to give everyone a change and a break too. But they aren’t magical.

A lot of my kids would go for addictions treatment (rehab) but the parents would be required to put in a lot of work too while their child was away.

 

[4Families]

Can you tell us what program you decided not to use? I won’t recommend anything I’ve looked at if I know you decided against it.

There are not many of these programs left, and none Catholic that I know of. The ones that are left are probably safe, but of course one never knows. The decision we made was that our son had every chance of getting in serious trouble going forward so we were willing to take some amount of risk.

Outward Bound is probably the safest overall. But they are secular.

The place we had considered was Freedom Village in New York State but it is Protestant and it seems the Pastor who runs the place has some Jimmy Baker-type issues. There was a lot of negative information on the internet about it.

I would like a Catholic program and I have a call in to Mt. Carmel Catholic Youth Ranch but they are extremely expensive and we would have to sense that the investment would be worth it, in that it is likely to work for him.

 

[4Families]

I have talked with many people about the “geographic cure,” and most say that it doesn’t work. It can help after the teen himself has decided to change, but not as the primary element of change. They just find others like them at the new place.

Your son seems like he is acting out his unhappiness with something, and he is at an age where he really needs his father. Obviously you both love and care for him, but it sounds like your son is not feeling that.

I do not often recommend counseling but in this situation, it seems like it would be a good idea to find a *well-recommended *counselor who has a lot of experience and success counseling *families *with unhappy teens. I would suggest that both you and your (ETA: your son’s father, your ex-)husband would have to be involved as well, to learn how to communicate your love for your son in a way that he will understand and that will help him. The schools around you may be able to recommend someone like this, or you could contact Dr Popcak or Dr Guarendi, each of whom has a show on EWTN so you can listen to get a feel for them. They may be able to recommend someone in your area (Dr Popcak esp seems to have developed a network).

The only other thing I can recommend is devotion to the Sacred Heart of Jesus. There are lots of explanations of this devotion, some of which are more traditional and others less so.

Thank you. I do have a call in to Dr. Ray, hoping to arrange some counseling with him in the very near future. My son certainly has suffered from our divorce and from the living arrangements that followed. There was a strong negative influence at visitation. My ex-husband is only now seeing that, especially in a slightly older step son who is even more out of control than my son, and who I am sure was an influence. There is plenty of healing that I would like to see happen in my son’s heart.

Thanks for your encouragement. (PS - St. Francis is my son’s Confirmation saint. I am glad to know that St. Francis “chose” Brian - or was glad to be chosen! - and I do ask for his intercession.)

 

[4Families]

Thanks to those who mentioned JP2. I do know of a Catholic group that has one week camps and I know some of the priests and brothers who run it - great group of admirable, mostly-young men. My son would rather be anywhere than in such a wholesome environment, though.

 

[4Families]

I taught street kids for four years (after working in the prison system), and then was a school administrator, so I have seen every behaviour imaginable.

I consistent thing I learned: Kid’s behaviour does not occur in isolation to the family dynamic.

To change one person in the family ALL people must change.

For example: two important area are 1. The family’s way of communicating and talking/listening to each other; 2. The behaviour of the parents (it must be consistent with the kind of behaviour expected from the kids).

Families can’t always see these dynamics from their viewpoints. It often helps to bring in a professional third party.

(Exception to the above - a medical or psychiatric condition underlying the behaviour)

Thank you. Your perspective is very helpful. I know that there are family dynamics that should change. It is very difficult to find the right kind of counseling. It has occurred to me that I could attend Al Anon. I know they are big on changing what you can change, which is only yourself, and I certainly want to change any behaviors I have that either add to the problem, or just don’t help. More than anything I want my son to be happy, and I know he can’t be by following a life of sin. I want even his spiritual changes to come from his heart, for him to really believe in God’s love for him.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Thank you. Your perspective is very helpful. I know that there are family dynamics that should change. It is very difficult to find the right kind of counseling. It has occurred to me that I could attend Al Anon. I know they are big on changing what you can change, which is only yourself, and I certainly want to change any behaviors I have that either add to the problem, or just don’t help. More than anything I want my son to be happy, and I know he can’t be by following a life of sin. I want even his spiritual changes to come from his heart, for him to really believe in God’s love for him.

Christian family counseling could help, IF your ex-husband will cooperate and take responsibility for his own mistakes. That and that alone would go a long way toward helping your son see his own response to what his father and you have done to his life. We did some counseling and while it helped somewhat, there was a lot of resistance at that point from both my husband and my son, to actually make changes in the way we all dealt with one another, so, we put it on hold. Call Catholic Charities, they have good LSWs who would be a starting point. But a really good family therapist of any kind might be able to tease out issues in order to change the dynamic, so don’t rule out Christian or even secular counselors.

Don’t expect your son to cooperate with the process, and don’t expect that the changes will come from his heart at first. However it happens, take the positives and keep praying. My son had to have his heart shattered by his girlfriend before he understood any of what I had been trying to tell him. He was under the spell of sex and could not listen to a word I was saying, but once he had his heart torn out and stomped on, he understood that I had been trying to warn him all along. He did change after the behavioral intervention camp, but not wholeheartedly, because the first thing he told us after we picked him up was, “I’m NOT giving GF up, no matter what! You can’t make me and I WON’T!” I had hoped he would see how bad the whole thing had been for him but he had still yearned for her while he was away (no communication at all for 3 weeks). So unfortunately some of his behavior continued past the camp.

It planted a seed, that’s all. The seed can be ignored and can be wiped out, it depends upon the kid.

 

[triumphguy]

Thank you. Your perspective is very helpful. I know that there are family dynamics that should change. It is very difficult to find the right kind of counseling. It has occurred to me that I could attend Al Anon. I know they are big on changing what you can change, which is only yourself, and I certainly want to change any behaviors I have that either add to the problem, or just don’t help. More than anything I want my son to be happy, and I know he can’t be by following a life of sin. I want even his spiritual changes to come from his heart, for him to really believe in God’s love for him.

Thanks for taking the “advice” in the way it was intended (not as a judgment).
If alanon is appropriate for you then it may be very helpful.
I know that as I change so my family changes.

 

[St_Francis]

Thank you. I do have a call in to Dr. Ray, hoping to arrange some counseling with him in the very near future. My son certainly has suffered from our divorce and from the living arrangements that followed. There was a strong negative influence at visitation. My ex-husband is only now seeing that, especially in a slightly older step son who is even more out of control than my son, and who I am sure was an influence. There is plenty of healing that I would like to see happen in my son’s heart.

It sounds like both you and your ex-husband love your son very much and are taking the first best step: working together to help him.

Thanks for your encouragement. (PS - St. Francis is my son’s Confirmation saint. I am glad to know that St. Francis “chose” Brian - or was glad to be chosen! - and I do ask for his intercession.)

It seems that St Francis of Assisi went through a bit of a wild time in his youth, so he will be a wonderful saint to pray for your son!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Thank you. Your perspective is very helpful. I know that there are family dynamics that should change. It is very difficult to find the right kind of counseling. It has occurred to me that I could attend Al Anon. I know they are big on changing what you can change, which is only yourself, and I certainly want to change any behaviors I have that either add to the problem, or just don’t help. More than anything I want my son to be happy, and I know he can’t be by following a life of sin. I want even his spiritual changes to come from his heart, for him to really believe in God’s love for him.

Yes, your son qualifies you, if he is drinking and doing drugs. Al-Anon will help you and it is a great source of support. The one thing I will say is that the “spiritual, not religious” aspect of the program is something I have to deal with…but I understand why the program is set up that way, in order to include everyone who needs help. It’s a little trickier to detach with love when the drinker/addict is a minor child. And intervention may be not only necessary, but advisable, where it would not be with another adult such as a spouse. But yes, go to several Al-Anon meetings, including at least one in a treatment center if there is one nearby. You can hear from other parents whose kids are just like yours. You might not hear much recovery there (new to meetings, lots of turnover), so also go to other meetings in your area.

 

[Just_Lurking]

A google search turned up the following article (see here):
Mother seeks refund of $36,000 spent to get son a diploma from Clark program

Marines reject candidate schooled at Wyo youth ranch

CODY – A woman who spent thousands of dollars to put her son through a Park County program for troubled boys is seeking a refund after learning that the correspondence school diploma he earned there does not meet U.S. Marine Corps admission standards.

Dawn Cooper of Birmingham, Ala., took out a loan and cashed in an annuity she had set aside for retirement. She used the money to pay $36,000 for her son to attend the Mount Carmel Youth Ranch in Clark and a related program for adults, Bear Tooth MT Ascent. Both programs share staff and facilities on a 40,000-acre cattle ranch.

…

 

[triumphguy]

Yes, your son qualifies you, if he is drinking and doing drugs. Al-Anon will help you and it is a great source of support. The one thing I will say is that the “spiritual, not religious” aspect of the program is something I have to deal with…but I understand why the program is set up that way, in order to include everyone who needs help. It’s a little trickier to detach with love when the drinker/addict is a minor child. And intervention may be not only necessary, but advisable, where it would not be with another adult such as a spouse. But yes, go to several Al-Anon meetings, including at least one in a treatment center if there is one nearby. You can hear from other parents whose kids are just like yours. You might not hear much recovery there (new to meetings, lots of turnover), so also go to other meetings in your area.

Good post and good advice!