Teenage advice

[maryjk]

Well, you want to foster the idea of regular confession. You don’t want allow the child to never go, so a compromise is just to talk to the priest. I don’t know whether that is wrong or not, but, really, you want them to get used to doing the confession thing.

Forcing them is wrong, but, if you get them to wait in line maybe they will talk to the priest about why they don’t want to go. That’s useful.

Take them. Go into the church, yourself, go to Confession, yourself.

But leave it at that. Making them walk into the confessional during the scheduled times for Confession, when they don’t want to go, just takes up time that others could use to actually go to Confession.

Maybe you don’t have to a line, but we do. Most people wouldn’t be happy with you if you were taking up time convincing a teen to walk into the Confessional. And believe me, when I was a teen, THAT would be the time that I would have just said, “NO.”

 

[Mrs_Sally]

Well, you want to foster the idea of regular confession. You don’t want allow the child to never go, so a compromise is just to talk to the priest. I don’t know whether that is wrong or not, but, really, you want them to get used to doing the confession thing.

Forcing them is wrong, but, if you get them to wait in line maybe they will talk to the priest about why they don’t want to go. That’s useful.

I agree with the general concept, but I think it would be smart to find a differenct venue than confession itself for this discussion. Perhaps at a youth group event or a different parish function. However, I do also see that if the teen is willing to wait on line to just talk to Father, they may still go through sacramental confession once they are there and so receive those graces to strengthen them for next time.

I am eternally grateful that for the past 6 years (at least) we have had one or another of the priests who are good with teens and involved with the parish youth group. My children have grown as teens feeling very comfortable to speak to our priests both in and out of confession.

 

[silicasandra]

I raised two daughters, and they both turned out well.

Your daughter’s behavior is normal. So very, very normal.

You and your husband MUST ease off.

Choose your battles very, very carefully. Only go to battle over issues that involve danger to her life (e.g., drugs).

You might ask, “Shouldn’t we go to battle over issues that involve danger to her soul?”

The problem with that is that it’s difficult for some parents to see what is truly endangering her soul. E.g., there is no “requirement” for a Catholic to go to Confession on a regular basis. Yes, this might be your family “rule,” and if it’s really REALLY important to you, go ahead and dig in. But frankly, I would save my “really really important” for life-threatening issues (e.g., drugs).

Same for genuflecting. There’s no rule in the Catholic Church that all must genuflect low to the floor.

A 13-year old teenaged girl is extremely self-conscious, and she’s convinced that EVERYONE is looking at her, and EVERYONE will see her genuflect, and she’s trying to avoid being looked at and judged. Of course, we as adults know that no one is looking at her (unless she’s wearing a really sexy outfit), but please, please try to think like a 13-year-old girl–she doesn’t have the maturity yet to think like an adult.

So don’t push the genuflection thing.

Back way off. Tell your husband that he must learn to control his temper, keep his hands off (no corporal punishment ever for a teenaged girl–that will mean many years of rejection and grief for you and her), and be gentle and reasonable.

The best way to handle a 13-year old is to stay in control of yourselves. Her world feels like it is spinning out of control and she is trying desperately to find herself and her place in this world. She needs her parents to be calm, controlled, and rock solid about their own world.

The BEST way to communicate Christian faith to a 13-year-old is through ACTIONS, not words. This would be a great time for your family to get involved with helping the poor, or volunteering at soup kitchens, or travelling to the March for Life in Washington next Jan, or simply being very faithful about doing your parish’s activities. Even more important is living without hypocrisy at home–no shouting, fights, worries about money, overindulging in food or drink, etc.–in other words, live your faith as a couple.

Teens love to see faith in action (not words). They don’t necessarily want to be forced into doing those actions themselves, but they want to see you, the parents, living out their faith.

One thing that is really important for teens is freedom–they are trying to grow up, and this is a GOOD THING, not a BAD THING. Have a talk with her and let her know that as she demonstrates that she can be trustworthy, she will earn more and more freedom, and that the goal is for her to be essentially an adult by the time she is 16 years old–able to drive, work, date, manage her own time, budget her own money, and choose her own activities.

But she must earn freedom by being faithful in little things. E.g., if she is assigned the chore of doing the dishes each evening, she must demonstrate that she can be trusted faithfully do this chore, otherwise, it will be difficult for parents to allow her to go to a concert in another city with her friends. But if she is faithful in the little chore, she is demonstrating maturity, and it’s easier for parents to say “Yes” to concerts and other activities.

Keep expanding her freedoms as she gets older. TRAIN her to be a functioning adult. Don’t try to keep her a little girl. It can’t be done.

And remember–this will pass. She will grow up. Your major job right now is to help her survive, which is why I say only take a unyielding stand on those issues that involve danger to her life.

I don’t have teenagers yet, but I can remember being one and feeling like this (and now I’m mature enough to admit it! )

I agree with all of the other posters who say that dad is really pushing too hard here. I can totally understand wanting to make sure your daughter sees the faith in action. But you can’t force her to do it. I wouldn’t stop attending Mass as a family, or family confession, or even the family rosary. I think it’s fine to require that your daughter attend. But forcing her to say all the right things and make all the right gestures is teaching your daughter, “Go through the motions to please us regardless of how you feel.”

I think it would also be important for you to be ready with some answers to questions your daughter might have about why things are done in the Church the way they are (and be willing to say, “I don’t know, we should look into that” - and then look into it, if that happens too). I don’t blame a person for not wanting to say or do things if they aren’t sure why they’re saying or doing it. At this age kids are trying to figure out what they believe and what matters to them. If your daughter sees Church as this big rule book that’s out to get her and only prevent her from having a good time, then something about that perspective needs to change. There’s only so much you can do about it, but being ready to answer questions can help tons.

(Edited to add: Just to add some personal experience: my dad’s favorite answers to these types of questions when I was this age was: “I’m the father, you have to obey me and what I say.” Needless to say, it made me throw out a lot of what he tried to teach me because I was angry and resentful. I’ve realized that much of what he wanted me to do was fair and reasonable, but even now I find myself resisting telling him so because I really don’t want to validate his approach. It does still make me angry, and since I still have younger siblings at home I don’t want to encourage his continuing that approach with them.)

 

[dshix]

To the OP,

This is an interesting (and common) situation.

It appears that what we have here is a rebellious teenage brat (this is not a derogatory, insulting word, rather a description of behavior) and a father who is struggling to retain his position as head of the household.

It appears that the father may be overreacting and trying to control too much, but I personally am on his side, because his daughter is still absolutely under his stewardship and it is his duty to train and care for her.

People may talk of “freedom of expression” or “trying to begin taking control” for teens, but I think this is a distorted idea. Last I heard, 13, 14, and 15 year olds were still kids! They don’t have the right to drive, they don’t have a job (and pay for their own meals) they don’t run the family, WHAT RIGHT do they have to treat their parent(s) as if they were inconvenient subjects?!?!

I think the father is doing the right thing in taking action, but he needs support from you, the mother. You said that she genuflects properly with you, but not with him? Well you should get on top of that and tell her that she should give just as much respect (if not more) to her father, who feeds and clothes her.

His job to train, educate, and catechize his children is an uphill battle without your support, and it may fail in the end.

On a side note,

In particular, you cannot ever force another adult (in Church-speak) to receive a sacrament. Since your daughter is over the age of reason and has received the sacraments of First Penance and First Holy Communion, no one can tell her that she must go to confession and especially not what she should say to the priest.

I agree. Forcing a child to receive a sacrament is NOT the right thing to do. On this you should speak to your husband, but forcing the daughter to go to mass/pray the rosary/genuflect properly/do the sign of the cross is very important.

 

[Cat]

To the OP,

People may talk of “freedom of expression” or “trying to begin taking control” for teens, but I think this is a distorted idea. Last I heard, 13, 14, and 15 year olds were still kids! They don’t have the right to drive, they don’t have a job (and pay for their own meals) they don’t run the family, WHAT RIGHT do they have to treat their parent(s) as if they were inconvenient subjects?!?!

(Quote above shortened by Cat cuz’ of space limitations.)

No children of any age, including teenagers, should be allowed to disrespect their parents or any authority figure. That should have been made clear to the child back when the child was a baby/toddler, and consistently enforced through the child’s elementary school years and the pre-pubescent years. If the child did not learn about authority way back then, it’s TOO LATE to teach a teenager. You’ve lost. Battle over. You blew it.

If, OTOH, the teenager was taught about authority from the earliest years of their life, then it is appropriate for the parents to continue to expect a teen to show respect for authority, and it is appropriate for parents to discipline a teen who does not show respect.

HOWEVER…sometimes teens have a hard time finding the proper balance, and parents must be prepared to extend a lot of mercy during the teen years. The “hard line” discipline should have happened back when the child was ages 2-5–that’s when parents have to stand firm and never lose a battle. But during the teenaged years, it’s not so cut and dried.

In spite of what the above poster says, the teenager is NOT a child anymore. Yet they’re not adults, either. They’re “in-between.” To treat them like a child is a recipe for utter disaster and family sorrow. But to treat young teenagers (under age 16) as adults is also a dangerous parental strategy that often leads to disaster.

Teens want to grow up; they LONG to grow up!–that’s how God made them, to start growing up physically, mentally, and emotionally when they turn 13, 14, 15. That’s normal. It’s beautiful. It’s sad for parents to see their little children becoming adults, but it’s also a happy time for parents. Again, that’s GOD’S plan and parents must submit to God and accept that their child will grow up.

But sometimes when a teen tries to spread their wings a little and act like a grownup (since inside, they FEEL like a grown-up), they go a little too far and cross a line into disrespect or disobedience. This is especially true of verbal exchanges. The parents say something, and then the teen responds by saying something that they THINK is very clever and mature, but in reality, is really lame and kind of snarky and possibly even wicked. And then the parents get mad and accuse the teen of being sassy or disrespectful, and then the teen gets mad and accuses the parents of treating them like a baby…and it goes on. How many of you recognize this scenario?

What we adults have to remember is that the teenager is learning how to be an adult, and that means a lot of stumbling around and making mistakes. We need to be patient and kind. This is not the time to dig in our heels and force the teenaged “child” to toe the line and salute their parents and show some respect, dag-nabbit!

What parent would dream of punishing a baby for pooping in his diaper? Of course not. That’s what babies do. It’s not nice, and it smells bad and it’s extremely inconvenient and often expensive. But we don’t get mad at them.

So why would we punish a teenager for acting like a teenager, and saying something kind of stupid, or acting in a really weird way (e.g., refusing to genuflect), or rebelling against a household rule? That’s what all teenagers do. It’s not nice, and it “smells” bad, and it’s extremely inconvenient and often hideously expensive (e.g., purchasing that aticle of clothing that EVERY OTHER TEENAGER in the world has!). But it’s normal, and it makes no sense for parents to get mad at a teen for acting “normal.”

The challenge for the parents is determining when “normal” becomes disrespectful, because at that point, the parents do need to take action and impose unpleasant consequences (usually lost privileges or possessions) upon their teen who crosses the line. This will vary from family to family, but the same concepts appay with teens as with all ages. (1) The “house rules” should be established in advance, not “sprung upon” a teenager according to the parents’ whims. (2) The consequences for violating the “house rules” should be established in advance and the teen should KNOW exactly what will happen to him/her should they decide to violate the “house rules.” (3) Discipline should be administered by a calm parent, not a raving, crying, flailing emotional parent who finally reaches the end of their rope and explodes at their teen. (4) After age 5/6, corporal punishment (physical) is never appropriate.

I hope this is helpful. Everything I say worked for us.

 

[dshix]

Well put, I agree with you Cat.

In addition to what you said, another poster pmed me and filled me in with some context from this OP, so I have a bit of a wider understanding of the situation.

God Bless!

 

[kffcp24]

If the Father doesn´t wake up and lead by setting the example, and talking to her in a Fatherly way, rather than a Head of the Household way, he´s going to lose his daughter. :

Amen! Following rules/doing actions/prayers exactly right leaves no room to know who God truly is!

I love the teachings of the Church, trust me. But at the same time, the most important thing I learned about God during my teenage years was NOT from a book…but about how I could talk to God like a friend, meet with Jesus who heals my heart in the confessional…not just read off my sins. Maybe she does feel like she’s got major sin on her soul and she’s afraid. I think she might think that God will respond to her how her dad is. That’s not healthy.

I’d say ask your daughter where the hate of these things might be about and encourage her to never stop talking to God. That link is so important!

 

[PaulinVA]

I don’t think this has anything to do with authority.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. You can catechize a child, but you can’t make he or she adopt, through force or authority, a faith in God through the Catholic Church.

There comes a time in a child’s life that they assert individuality in the realm of faith and Church. If you have done things correctly, and you handle this time with love and understanding, then your child will come out of it with a strong faith that is* theirs*, not yours.

Or, you can drive them away by being heavy handed.

 

[Cat]

I don’t think this has anything to do with authority.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. You can catechize a child, but you can’t make he or she adopt, through force or authority, a faith in God through the Catholic Church.

There comes a time in a child’s life that they assert individuality in the realm of faith and Church. If you have done things correctly, and you handle this time with love and understanding, then your child will come out of it with a strong faith that is* theirs*, not yours.

Or, you can drive them away by being heavy handed.

I absolutely agree with you that every child has to grow up and develop their OWN faith.

But please allow me to disagree with one aspect of your post.

There are times when parents do absolutely everything right, and there are no abuses or bullying or psychological disorders or physical illnesses or unorthodox church teaching or really bad school, or ANYTHING wrong with the childhood–everything is good–but the child still turns away from God and good.

Many parents reading this can attest, in tears, that this happened in their family, or to someone they know. It’s heartbreaking.

We need to be very careful never to assume that a child’s rejection of God and good happened because poor parenting. Yes, often there are mistakes made that have unfortunate consequences–and I think that the father in OP is making a mistake to lean so heavily on his daughter who is trying to grow up, and if he doesn’t back off, he will push her away. I hope that the OP’s husband will listen to the many people in this thread who are trying to warn him that he is going down a dangerous path.

But many times, there is no mistake on the part of the parents. Each of us has a free will and sadly, there are those who choose wrong over right.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

People may talk of “freedom of expression” or “trying to begin taking control” for teens, but I think this is a distorted idea. Last I heard, 13, 14, and 15 year olds were still kids! They don’t have the right to drive, they don’t have a job (and pay for their own meals) they don’t run the family, WHAT RIGHT do they have to treat their parent(s) as if they were inconvenient subjects?!?!

If parents don’t let their teenagers have a say in their own lives, at 13, 14, 15, what will they do when it’s time to leave home for college at 18? You’ve GOT to start loosening the reins - actually long before 13 in little matters - or you will get full-fledged rebellion at the very time when they need you the most. This girl has chosen her battle and it’s a big one - and the dad is showing that she’s picked the main battle. He should back off in a big way and find a way to make church attractive again. And that is NOT forcing her into the confessional!!!



I can’t believe any parent would do that to a 13 year old. Really!

Now, in terms of manners, no, she shouldn’t be disrespectful. But getting all over her because she isn’t genuflecting correctly??? Oh my gosh. Bad move. When my son was rebelling he would come to Mass and promptly fall asleep in the pew (he was 15). He slumped into church scowling, with his hair in his eyes, and he refused to dress properly. I struggled with his attitude and appearance, but finally I let it go. I stopped being his dedicated EM (he’s got celiac disease and can’t take the regular host) and it didn’t bother me quite as much that he had an attitude the whole time. After that, he quit going to Mass for a long time. It wasn’t my response that caused him to quit. It was his sins at the time. I did not nag him nor try to force him to return. I just waited. And prayed. A lot. Every once in a while, I asked him if he wanted to go to Mass, but then I realized that if he did come, he’d surely receive and I knew that he was in mortal sin and would only compound it, so I stopped even asking.

Eventually God brought him back to church. And I have never again said anything about what he chooses to wear. I smile at him and he hugs me in the pew. I love him dearly and I am so glad he came back to church. The bad times fade. Love your children and pray for them every single day, and say a rosary for them.

OP, your husband is going to make this harder on your daughter. He just is. If it were me, I’d put my foot down and tell him, “Back off on her or I will be really unhappy with you.”

JMO.

p.s. You know that your husband has problems with his family of origin. It may be time for you to all sit down for a family therapy session. Do not let his history spoil that of your own family. You’re only as sick as your secrets. Don’t hide what you all have to deal with - your children should have the information when they need it and what they can handle.

 

[MCGar]

I remember past posts about your husband and his personality. I can see why your daughter would act this way and from this short description I can sympathize with her position.

In my opinion, I would have a good heart to heart with her. Just the two of you in a good environment (maybe after shopping in the mall or going skating.)

In a calm non-accusatory manner let her know what you are seeing. How his actions are possibly prompting her to rebel or resent the faith.

{Alot, of people might say not to ‘undermine’ the other parent but as someone who has experience of both my parents being awful at many times, it is GOOD for the child to know that someone is willing to acknowledge what is going on and will go to bat for them. My father is an alcoholic and knowing my mother would take my side in a heartbeat when he was drunk, made me trust her and actually allowed me to have a BETTER relationship with my father even to this day. If she didn’t have my back, I would grow to resent him and her so much that I know I would not have an adult relationship with either one now.}

Let her know you will go to bat for her. Also try to explain to her so that she can see what is happening from an outside perspective. That you don’t want her personal faith to be damaged because of what is happening to her.

And for heaven’s sake. Go to bat for her. Your mother’s heart knows how what your husband is doing is wrong. Don’t be passive in this.

Also, without pushing, correcting, lecturing, etc…, every once in a while, share with her your joys in the faith. An inspiring piece of Scripture, or how God worked in your life that day.

 

[Et_Cetera]

I’ll have a go at this without reading the whole thread. It sounds like her dad is stubborn and controlling, and aside from that, you’re trying to control her whole life. Do you honestly think she’s happy? She’s having religion forced upon her, while not even being able to get out to the real world to go to school. Say what you want, but she is missing some prime school years. People really start to learn who they are in middle school and high school, and she is not having that “normal” experience. Instead, she is being forced into this odd microcosm of religion. To be honest, I’d be more worried if she didn’t rebel. From what you described, I don’t think your daughter is happy, and I really don’t blame her. She’s a 13-year-old girl, whether you like or not. She’s not your clone or your husband’s puppet. Let her start making decisions for herself. The more you force the religion now the less likely she will be to return to it.

 

[Irishmom2]

I’ll have a go at this without reading the whole thread. herself.

Why would you not read the whole thing, but then comment as you have?

 

[LightBound]

Is it possible that after homeschooling for so long, that the mother and daughter have formed a little clique, and the mother is projecting frustration at during the fathers absence, so the level of respect for the has diminished?

Could the root of the problem possibly be the mother and daughter?

Uh, no. Reread her opening post, then read some of the OP’s other threads. Her husband comes from an abusive past and has projected some of that abuse in an emotional and verbal way onto his wife and family. They have sought counseling for this in the past.

 

[Cat]

If parents don’t let their teenagers have a say in their own lives, at 13, 14, 15, what will they do when it’s time to leave home for college at 18? You’ve GOT to start loosening the reins - actually long before 13 in little matters - or you will get full-fledged rebellion at the very time when they need you the most. This girl has chosen her battle and it’s a big one - and the dad is showing that she’s picked the main battle. He should back off in a big way and find a way to make church attractive again. And that is NOT forcing her into the confessional!!!



I can’t believe any parent would do that to a 13 year old. Really!

Now, in terms of manners, no, she shouldn’t be disrespectful. But getting all over her because she isn’t genuflecting correctly??? Oh my gosh. Bad move. When my son was rebelling he would come to Mass and promptly fall asleep in the pew (he was 15). He slumped into church scowling, with his hair in his eyes, and he refused to dress properly. I struggled with his attitude and appearance, but finally I let it go. I stopped being his dedicated EM (he’s got celiac disease and can’t take the regular host) and it didn’t bother me quite as much that he had an attitude the whole time. After that, he quit going to Mass for a long time. It wasn’t my response that caused him to quit. It was his sins at the time. I did not nag him nor try to force him to return. I just waited. And prayed. A lot. Every once in a while, I asked him if he wanted to go to Mass, but then I realized that if he did come, he’d surely receive and I knew that he was in mortal sin and would only compound it, so I stopped even asking.

Eventually God brought him back to church. And I have never again said anything about what he chooses to wear. I smile at him and he hugs me in the pew. I love him dearly and I am so glad he came back to church. The bad times fade. Love your children and pray for them every single day, and say a rosary for them.

OP, your husband is going to make this harder on your daughter. He just is. If it were me, I’d put my foot down and tell him, “Back off on her or I will be really unhappy with you.”

JMO.

p.s. You know that your husband has problems with his family of origin. It may be time for you to all sit down for a family therapy session. Do not let his history spoil that of your own family. You’re only as sick as your secrets. Don’t hide what you all have to deal with - your children should have the information when they need it and what they can handle.

I agree wholeheartedly with this post.

It is so important for parents to gradually allow a child to have more freedoms as they demonstrate readiness for those freedoms. It all starts back in babyhood. At first, parents have to do everything for the baby. But parents work to help the baby to do more for himself; e.g., in playing with the baby, they help him to develop the muscles that will enable him to roll over–this is a big step towards independence! A baby that can roll over is better able to sooth himself when he is in his crib or lying on the floor!

Then the parents work to help the baby feed himself. Even a nursing mom tries to help her child nurse in positions that will make it easier for her to have a hand free to read or talk on the phone. All parents try to get their baby to a place where he can eat Cheerios (or whatever) by himself, without a parent having to place the Cheerios in his mouth. What a wonderful day when the parents can give the child some treats, and the child will pick them up himself and eat them! Freedom! (Mixed blessing, of course–from then on, the child will pop anything into his mouth!)

And so it goes. One really big freedom that happens when most children are toddlers or perhaps a little older is that they are able to get out of bed, go to the kitchen, get themselves a simple snack for breakfast (a cheese stick, a cereal bar, etc.), and turn on the TV and watch cartoons, or play by themselves or with siblings until Mom and Dad are up and about. This is absolutely HUGE for both the children and the parents–no longer does the Mom or Dad have to be up with the child and doing everything for them. And no longer does the child have to have Mom or Dad watching them–they are by themselves, free to amuse themselves. It’s an EARNED freedom, of course–no parent would dream of allowing a child to rummage the kitchen or play with a TV unless that child is READY to do these things.

Wise parents will continue to give their children freedom as the children demonstrate readiness for those freedoms. And if everything goes fairly well, by the time the child is a teenager, they should have quite a bit of freedom and be doing a lot of adult activities (e.g., buying their own clothing and taking care of that clothing, fixing their own simple meals and lunches, making their own doctor appointments and taking care of their health needs themselves, learning to drive, owning and using a cell phone, working several hours a week at a paying job other than parent-provided jobs, going to church and maintaining their faith by themselves without parental prodding, etc.)

And by the time the child is old enough to leave home, they will be ready. That’s one of our main jobs as parents–to raise our children to be fully-functioning adults. I think it’s very bad when parents expect a teenager to function as a little child.

 

[Cat]

I remember past posts about your husband and his personality. I can see why your daughter would act this way and from this short description I can sympathize with her position.

In my opinion, I would have a good heart to heart with her. Just the two of you in a good environment (maybe after shopping in the mall or going skating.)

In a calm non-accusatory manner let her know what you are seeing. How his actions are possibly prompting her to rebel or resent the faith.

{Alot, of people might say not to ‘undermine’ the other parent but as someone who has experience of both my parents being awful at many times, it is GOOD for the child to know that someone is willing to acknowledge what is going on and will go to bat for them. My father is an alcoholic and knowing my mother would take my side in a heartbeat when he was drunk, made me trust her and actually allowed me to have a BETTER relationship with my father even to this day. If she didn’t have my back, I would grow to resent him and her so much that I know I would not have an adult relationship with either one now.}

Let her know you will go to bat for her. Also try to explain to her so that she can see what is happening from an outside perspective. That you don’t want her personal faith to be damaged because of what is happening to her.

And for heaven’s sake. Go to bat for her. Your mother’s heart knows how what your husband is doing is wrong. Don’t be passive in this.

Also, without pushing, correcting, lecturing, etc…, every once in a while, share with her your joys in the faith. An inspiring piece of Scripture, or how God worked in your life that day.

I actually agree with this. Yes, it isn’t good for parents to undermine each other.

But this is different. When a parent has some kind of condition that is not normal, and will negatively affect the child, I think that the child should be informed of what is going on. To not inform them leaves thme in the dark, and then they speculate on what’s happening and often come up with a totally wrong explanation.

It would be important to discuss it in a way that is appropriate for the child’s age. A teenager can understand that Daddy has control issues, and perhaps a very simple explanation for the issues would be appropriate; e.g., “Daddy has a hard time relinquishing control because his father was very cruel and often beat him.” (I don’t know if that’s the situation here, BTW–I was just creating an example.)

I don’t think it’s necessary to go into a lot of details about family “secrets” or family finances or even the pathologies. But it would be good to provide a basic explanation, and then, most important, discussing strategies for dealing with the family situation.

Makes sense to me.

 

[Et_Cetera]

Why would you not read the whole thing, but then comment as you have?

For the record, I did go back and read some, but I read the OP, and my comment is a commentary on the first post of the thread. The OP presented information and asked for a commentary.

 

[Et_Cetera]

Ok, I’ll add more now that I realize that the husband has some issues. It is not fair to allow your husband to continue to try to micromanage every aspect of your daughter’s life, especially since she is kept in a world that is isolated from many of her peers. At least let her get into the real world a little more. And if your husband has serious issues and therapy hasn’t helped him, then you might want to think about getting your daughter out of that situation. If you can’t do it for yourself, then at least do it for her. It’s not fair to keep her in a household with a controlling, intimidating figure.

My best friend grew up in household like that, and years later you better believe that there is still damage. She wants nothing to do with her father, and has more or less cut off all contact with him. Try to look at your daughter’s life from her perspective: Kept at home in an isolated and religious-heavy environment with a controlling father. She’s a 13-year-old girl, and that is no way for her to live. Of course she’s rebelling against it! She’s a human being, and she’s unhappy.

I’m sorry that you’re going through problems with your husband, but the fact that you can’t immediately see why your daughter is behaving this way makes me think that he’s got a hold on you too. I mean, getting angry because she didn’t genuflect correctly?! You really think that she’s going to grow up liking religion? No way. And if things are bad enough, she might grow up wanting to break free from both of you too. Traditional school would likely be a great move for your daughter, if it’s something that she wants. And if it’s not something that she wants, then it’s probably because she has jitters and doesn’t how beneficial it would eventually be. She deserves to be around her peers at age thirteen.

 

[EasterJoy]

You might remind your husband, OP, that the priests have more experience with the stories of people making their first confession in 20 years than he does. Besides, it is a violation of the sacrament to force someone to go to confession. Your husband surely knows this. He has no room to abandon the meaning of the sacrament for the sake of winning a pi****g contest with a 13 year old. You cannot win these except to refuse to engage in them. She can get all dramatic if she wants, but you ought to be as non-dramatic as possible and treat this as what it is: A 13 year old acting like a 13 year old.

My feeling is that I would only draw the line in the sand at what is actually obligatory. Give her as few red buttons to push as reasonably possible. You can explain to your daughter that while you are willing to concede that she has to stand before God and answer to her adherence to the spirit of the law, it is your duty as a parent to see that she does not shirk the letter of the law. Go out of your way not to enforce more than that much.

If she does not like the Rosary…OK, what then? Bl. Pope John Paul II said it is not so important how you pray as it is that you do pray. You can’t force anyone to raise her heart to God, so you may as well admit that up front. The Bible says, “*But when you pray, go to your inner room, close the door, and pray to your Father in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will repay you. *” (Matt. 6:6) OK, she can have the time when the family says the rosary to be alone in her room. You will have done your duty to require her to set aside time for prayer. What she does with that will be up to her. When it comes to confession, she’ll have to live with the fact that the family is going. She may have to attend. No one will try to force her to confess. You will also let her know that you will help her to arrange to confess under different circumstances, if she prefers. You’re trying to be on her side about this.

Do you see? You force her to do what you actually can force her to do, and you pointedly give her freedom to choose where she has that choice, anyway. You expect her to make accommodations for the practices and obligations of the family, but you are also willing to make some accommodation for her to do things somewhat differently.

Tell her you will give her as much freedom as your duty allows, you will give her the benefit of the doubt on her choices, but you expect her to be respectful of your practices and to accommodate them as needed, just as any decent adult human being is expected to be respectful of others, particularly others who’ve provided rent-free room and board for over ten years. Decency does require her to show some amount of respect even when she doesn’t feel it. If it were not so, representational democracy could not work. Instead of freedom, it would be anarchy. IOW, if she’s going to be an adult, she needs to go all the way and be an adult.

This is kind of hard for a 13 year old, because they are at a stage in life where they haven’t convinced themselves that they are not the first person ever who can both have her cake and eat it. The brain can go through delusions of grandeur at that age, which is the downside of the age-appropriate ability to imagine living a very meaningful life. She’s getting used to her wheels, so to speak…she’s going to ride the break and hit corners too hard and all the things you do when you take over the wheel for the first time. Still, I think that taking the other tack may work better.

Also, make sure that your husband is remembering to praise her and does not take her good points for granted. Psychologists have estimated that in happy marriages, for instance, the ratio of good feedback to bad is five to one or better in favor of positive comments. You may feel kind of silly complimenting her on things that common sense requires, such as doing her own homework, but let’s face it: many teens don’t. Start noticing and commenting when she does things right that you feel proud of her and see that as a sign of her maturity that she does things on her own that other teens have to be nagged to do. When her adolescent brain starts telling her that you don’t appreciate her, there will be evidence to the contrary, and that is a good thing.

See if you can get your husband to go for some version of “pick your battles.” Good luck!

 

[nana3]

Thank you to all for your great and thoughtful advice. I really appreciate it. Some of what you said, I already knew, but it is my husband who struggles and needs to read all of your advice. Some people wrote about our homeschooling and did not know what they were talking about, but I forgive them. The homeschooling is not a problem in the household. My dd wants to be homeschooled. I gave her choice of going to middle school and she said no. I am giving her the same choice for High School and so far she wants to give High School a try, but she keeps changing her mind, so we will see.
I want to thank you all for the advice. I know our problem is my dh who is just not accepting that his little girl is not a little girl anymore and turning into a beautiful young lady. He thinks because she is rebelling right now with some of the things that has to do with religion, he has failed as a father. I keep telling him that we did not fail our dd. She knows more than I did at her age about our Catholic Faith. So she now has to decide for herself how she is going to accept it all and apply it to her life. I encourage her all the time to just talk to Jesus as she does to me or any friend. For some reason, she says she can’t close her eyes which I tell her may help her concentrate on prayer, but she won’t do it. I just let it go. She will grow spiritually in time. I remind my dh that we were not at where she is now. She knows more prayers than we did at her age.
My poster on my thread recommended that I explain to my dd why she should genuflect and some other advice I can’t remember now, but all she said, I have said to my dd. She still won’t genuflect correctly. I think it is rebellious of her. I use to teach CCD to eighth graders and they loved my method my teaching. I did not teach just from the book, but challenged them to get to know Jesus because he would reveal the Father to them. I encourage prayer as a talk and many changed. I know what to teach, but my dd is not telling me something and I don’t know what it is. We have done our best to teach her the Faith and proper ways to enter and exit a Catholic Church that has a Tabernacle present. She refuses. So I wait until she grows up more or out of this rebellion. I do not push her. In fact, that is why I am not doing the Seton problem this year, because it was all religion in every subject and she hated that. It was pushing her away from the Church. I made my own problem this year and she is happier and loves to read again because it is not books that she has to read, but books she can choice. I still pick out classics and told her she will have to read one saints book, but she was fine with that. I am doing my best. So I guess from what I gather from CAT and others she is pretty much normal and the problem between her father and her needs to be addressed.
Okay, as I was writing this, my dd came in and we talked. She told me she didn’t want to disappoint me on why she didn’t do all the things we wanted her to do. She is angry at God. I will explain why in the next post.

By the way, I disagreed with my dh to force my dd to go to Confession. He dragged her in with him and I asked what he was doing, but he arrived at the priest before I got to him. But the priest took care of him. He was the one that should have been embarrassed even though my dd felt it too. There was no long line this was a Shrine that we go to that has Confessions available all day long everyday, even Sunday. We were the only on there for Confessions. It was an office that the priest heard the Confession. So we did not back up any lines. I need to talk to my dd now, but I will explain why she is so angry at God which she has mentioned in counseling as well, but the counselor never addressed it.