Teenage daughter pregnant for second time

[filiae]

I’m so discouraged.

My 18 year old daughter is pregnant for the second time. The father of her first child told her that if she didn’t sleep with him, he wouldn’t help her with the baby. She fell for it. So now she is pregnant again and at the doctor’s last week we also found out that he has given her an STD.
She wants nothing to do with him. I don’t blame her. He’s a very unsavory character. He has not contributed financially to the baby they have and now here we go again. He’s also got a terrible mouth on him. He called me a “Catholic **** devil ******* mother.” Fill in the blanks. He always plays the Catholic card, not thinking that his child is Catholic, too. (Of course we had her baptized. My husband and I are her godparents.)
.

Now my daughter wants me to quit my job to take care of her baby. I feel that I am the only one being asked to make changes. But on the other hand I want what’s best for my grandchild. I am so torn up by this that I don’t know where to turn. I thought I’d ask you good people for your opinion.

Thanks for listening.

 

[Brenda_V]

Wow, as a councilor at a CPC I would suggest you and your daughter call your local Birhtright or CareNet or…ask them for the certified Adoption centers or call Catholic Charities. Once you get this information you can then call and talk to one of their Councilors who will help you two through the thought process of possible adoption. They are there for the girls and their families, they help the girl to make a very informed decision about adoption, they should not force the girl into an adoption. If the agency you contact does force adoption then find another one, this is a confusing topic and decision for many and being given the choices and help in seeing what all the options are is what they should be doing!

Now, yes, I am advocating adoption but only as one of the three choices a girl has. She can not make an informed decision if she does not know the facts - a girl can do one of three things 1) Parent the child herself, 2) Foster the child (that is, have someone else in the family parent the child in addition to herself - what she is asking you to do) or 3) let someone else Parent the child (adoption).

There are many loving couples out there who are unable to have a baby for whatever reason who would make great parents, Adoption agencies screen these people to within an inch of their lives, your daughter could make a couple very happy as well as giving her child a wonderful family. She can choose how open the adoption is (how much contact she will have with the baby) and she gets to choose the couple she can give her baby to.

Brenda V.

 

[wifeandmomoftwo]

I’m so discouraged.

My 18 year old daughter is pregnant for the second time. The father of her first child told her that if she didn’t sleep with him, he wouldn’t help her with the baby. She fell for it. So now she is pregnant again and at the doctor’s last week we also found out that he has given her an STD.

Sorry but I have to ask. Is there no LEGAL document that says he has to pay child support etc.? If not why?

Now my daughter wants me to quit my job to take care of her baby. I feel that I am the only one being asked to make changes. But on the other hand I want what’s best for my grandchild. I am so torn up by this that I don’t know where to turn. I thought I’d ask you good people for your opinion.

Thanks for listening.

sorry but your daughter is being selfish! She got herself into this predicament and she needs to take responsibility for her actions!

 

[wifeandmomoftwo]

Wow, as a councilor at a CPC I would suggest you and your daughter call your local Birhtright or CareNet or…ask them for the certified Adoption centers or call Catholic Charities. Once you get this information you can then call and talk to one of their Councilors who will help you two through the thought process of possible adoption. They are there for the girls and their families, they help the girl to make a very informed decision about adoption, they should not force the girl into an adoption. If the agency you contact does force adoption then find another one, this is a confusing topic and decision for many and being given the choices and help in seeing what all the options are is what they should be doing!

Now, yes, I am advocating adoption but only as one of the three choices a girl has. She can not make an informed decision if she does not know the facts - a girl can do one of three things 1) Parent the child herself, 2) Foster the child (that is, have someone else in the family parent the child in addition to herself - what she is asking you to do) or 3) let someone else Parent the child (adoption).

There are many loving couples out there who are unable to have a baby for whatever reason who would make great parents, Adoption agencies screen these people to within an inch of their lives, your daughter could make a couple very happy as well as giving her child a wonderful family. She can choose how open the adoption is (how much contact she will have with the baby) and she gets to choose the couple she can give her baby to.

Brenda V.

 

[filiae]

There are no legal documents for child support because we had no money for a lawyer. My daughter has recently contacted a lawyer who will help those without the finances to hire a pricey lawyer. It took so long because I want her to take the responsibility and not do it for her.

The first time, we went to Catholic Charities and had an adoption counselor. She decided to keep the baby against our wishes. But we couldn’t very well throw her out of the house. Now she’s embarassed and ashamed to go back. She was leaning towards placing this second one for adoption until she found out she has an std. Now she’s very depressed and convinced that no one will ever want her and she’ll never be able to have other children. I have told her that if she keeps this baby, she has to move. We just don’t have enough money for another child. The one she has is stretching us to the limit. Thank God she’s a sweet, good natured baby.

I know my daughter is being selfish. I feel that I am being played emotionally. I have a hard time removing my heart from the situation. My head tells my something completely different.

 

[dulcissima]

That sounds like a very difficult time for your family. How has your husband been with all of this? What is his relationship with your daughter like?

 

[1ke]

Now my daughter wants me to quit my job to take care of her baby. I feel that I am the only one being asked to make changes. But on the other hand I want what’s best for my grandchild. I am so torn up by this that I don’t know where to turn. I thought I’d ask you good people for your opinion.

Tell her absolutely not. You will not quit your job to care for her child. You will help her outside work hours, you will be supportive, give her a place to live-- provided she follows YOUR house rules.

What may be best for your grandchild is for your daughter to consider adoption.

She can also take the father to court for child support.

 

[true_believer]

I think that one of the best things to do in a situation like this is to pray for guidance from God. I’ll certainly being saying a prayer for your entire family.

 

[filiae]

My husband is wonderful and very supportive. We all love the baby and we feel it’s too late to place her for adoption. But with the second one, we have no choice. It must be placed for adoption. For everyone’s sake. Most of all the child’s. It’s just so hard to seperate my heart from my head.

My head says adoption. My heart is breaking.

 

[Brenda_V]

The first time, we went to Catholic Charities and had an adoption counselor. She decided to keep the baby against our wishes. But we couldn’t very well throw her out of the house. Now she’s embarassed and ashamed to go back. She was leaning towards placing this second one for adoption until she found out she has an std. Now she’s very depressed and convinced that no one will ever want her and she’ll never be able to have other children. I have told her that if she keeps this baby, she has to move. We just don’t have enough money for another child. The one she has is stretching us to the limit. Thank God she’s a sweet, good natured baby.

Then take her to your local Crisis Pregnancy Center. They can help her by giving her someone else to talk to to see that she is still worth something, just because she has an STD doesn’t mean the baby isn’t adoptable. Every girl and woman who comes to see me is told that they can come and just talk if they need to, no judgment, just care.

Your daughter sounds like she qualifies for WIC (you might already have her on that). If she is too embarrassed to go back to Catholic Charities, check out other adoption agencies - she might feel more comfortable at one of them and since they don’t have “Catholic” in the name, maybe she will be more comfortable with that.

It also sounds like you are all just starting in this pregnancy so, there is time to move on, to get used to the idea.

Brenda V.

 

[filiae]

Then take her to your local Crisis Pregnancy Center. They can help her by giving her someone else to talk to to see that she is still worth something, just because she has an STD doesn’t mean the baby isn’t adoptable. Every girl and woman who comes to see me is told that they can come and just talk if they need to, no judgment, just care.

Your daughter sounds like she qualifies for WIC (you might already have her on that).

It also sounds like you are all just starting in this pregnancy so, there is time to move on, to get used to the idea.

Brenda V.

She does have WIC. And has applied for state aid for health insurance. She is 18 and we told her that she had to find her own insurance. We weren’t footing the bill this time.

Thank you all for your (name removed by moderator)ut. It’s helping.

 

[Julianna]

to OP

been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

Stick to your guns on this one. Under no circumstances should you place YOUR or your DH’'s life on hold because dear daughter demands it. YES, she is dragging you in emotionally. Don’t fall for it. The suggestions you received have been good regarding adoption. Be pro=active, contact the agencies, if she won’t. Get a counselor to come speak to her if she is living in your home. If she has no place to go until she has this child, there are many maternity homes across the country who will take her in. She will learn what it is to care for a child, she receive assistance in finding housing, work, school from the home. Social services agencies will work with her.

You and your DH have raised her, she is 18, you’re done. Now it’s her turn. Don’t let the STD drag you in either…there are treatments. She chose to sleep with a bum, this is the consequence. Forget child support, she won’t see a penny of it. Praise her for giving this child “LIFE”, and talk to her about giving this child “A LIFE”. It’s not about HER, it’s about the child and what is best for him/her.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Hang tough, you can do it.

 

[whatevergirl]

to OP

been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

Stick to your guns on this one. Under no circumstances should you place YOUR or your DH’'s life on hold because dear daughter demands it. YES, she is dragging you in emotionally. Don’t fall for it. The suggestions you received have been good regarding adoption. Be pro=active, contact the agencies, if she won’t. Get a counselor to come speak to her if she is living in your home. If she has no place to go until she has this child, there are many maternity homes across the country who will take her in. She will learn what it is to care for a child, she receive assistance in finding housing, work, school from the home. Social services agencies will work with her.

You and your DH have raised her, she is 18, you’re done. Now it’s her turn. Don’t let the STD drag you in either…there are treatments. She chose to sleep with a bum, this is the consequence. Forget child support, she won’t see a penny of it. Praise her for giving this child “LIFE”, and talk to her about giving this child “A LIFE”. It’s not about HER, it’s about the child and what is best for him/her.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Hang tough, you can do it.

I think you have gotten some solid advice, here, OP.

I am wondering though, Julianna…why wouldn’t she see any chld support? In some states, even the father’s drivers license can be suspended is they refuse to pay any. Just curious as to why there would be no hope for child support. I look forward to your reply.

 

[whatevergirl]

I’m so discouraged.

My 18 year old daughter is pregnant for the second time. The father of her first child told her that if she didn’t sleep with him, he wouldn’t help her with the baby. She fell for it. So now she is pregnant again and at the doctor’s last week we also found out that he has given her an STD.
She wants nothing to do with him. I don’t blame her. He’s a very unsavory character. He has not contributed financially to the baby they have and now here we go again. He’s also got a terrible mouth on him. He called me a “Catholic **** devil ******* mother.” Fill in the blanks. He always plays the Catholic card, not thinking that his child is Catholic, too. (Of course we had her baptized. My husband and I are her godparents.)
.

Now my daughter wants me to quit my job to take care of her baby. I feel that I am the only one being asked to make changes. But on the other hand I want what’s best for my grandchild. I am so torn up by this that I don’t know where to turn. I thought I’d ask you good people for your opinion.

Thanks for listening.

I’m sorry that this has happened…I feel for you, and I can only imagine how hard it will be for you and your daughter to give her child up for adoption. (if that’s the road you take) I will keep you all in my prayers, that God’s wisdom will enlighten your family, of the right ‘next steps’ to take regarding this. God bless you for being such great parents to your daughter.

 

[dulcissima]

I’ve known a few women in these situations, where they got pregnant as teens and have never received one dime of child support. It’s worth the effort to try to go after it, but this girl needs to have a plan for becoming self-supporting.

With a dad like this one, who forces himself on the mother of his child, using support as black mail, then giving her an STD, perhaps it would be worth it to just let him fade away and not be a terrible influence on his child, or children, and not be a source of constant grief for everyone. I work with a couple of women who got pregnant as teenagers, then raised theirs sons on their own without any support from the father. They see it as a mixed blessing that the dads weren’t involved in their sons lives.

 

[yessisan]

There are no legal documents for child support because we had no money for a lawyer. My daughter has recently contacted a lawyer who will help those without the finances to hire a pricey lawyer. It took so long because I want her to take the responsibility and not do it for her.

The first time, we went to Catholic Charities and had an adoption counselor. She decided to keep the baby against our wishes. But we couldn’t very well throw her out of the house. Now she’s embarassed and ashamed to go back. She was leaning towards placing this second one for adoption until she found out she has an std. Now she’s very depressed and convinced that no one will ever want her and she’ll never be able to have other children. I have told her that if she keeps this baby, she has to move. We just don’t have enough money for another child. The one she has is stretching us to the limit. Thank God she’s a sweet, good natured baby.

I know my daughter is being selfish. I feel that I am being played emotionally. I have a hard time removing my heart from the situation. My head tells my something completely different.

I just wanted to say one thing about the money…

My SIL had no money whatsoever to hire a lawyer for the child support or custody of the child. All she did was go to the court and filed for child support. She didn’t need a lawyer and she has full custody of the baby and is getting child support right off the guy’s paycheck. Whether he wants to support the baby or not he has to, it’s the law!

I’ll keep your daughter in my prayers. Adoption, to me, shouldn’t be forced onto her. She should be forced to work to feed her children. She’s 18! And in this case, the government will help her. She can get WIC, food stamps, medical (or care I forget which one it is). For this instance it is acceptable.

She shouldn’t tell you to quit YOUR job, it is her fault she’s in this mess, not yours.

 

[Julianna]

I think you have gotten some solid advice, here, OP.

I am wondering though, Julianna…why wouldn’t she see any chld support? In some states, even the father’s drivers license can be suspended is they refuse to pay any. Just curious as to why there would be no hope for child support. I look forward to your reply.

Some men don’t care, in jail, they get 3 hots and a cot. No license, no big deal, they don’t care. If they are pressed by the court, they could pay a minimum of $20.00 a month. Twenty dollars won’t buy diapers and formula. With all the identity theft going on, he could literally disappear.

Sometimes women are their own worst enemies. They make it easy for a man to just jump ship. I think our girls deserve better. Talk till your blue in face. When they won’t listen and worst happens…it’s time to buck up and deal with it. The child comes first, end of story. If we are truly pro-life, our concern should totally focus on the before…we should pray on the AFTER the child is here as well. That is giving the innocent a chance at A LIFE.

 

[whatevergirl]

Some men don’t care, in jail, they get 3 hots and a cot. No license, no big deal, they don’t care. If they are pressed by the court, they could pay a minimum of $20.00 a month. Twenty dollars won’t buy diapers and formula. With all the identity theft going on, he could literally disappear.

Sometimes women are their own worst enemies. They make it easy for a man to just jump ship. I think our girls deserve better. Talk till your blue in face. When they won’t listen and worst happens…it’s time to buck up and deal with it. The child comes first, end of story. If we are truly pro-life, our concern should totally focus on the before…we should pray on the AFTER the child is here as well. That is giving the innocent a chance at A LIFE.

I agree with you Julianna…I suppose I didn’t realize that there were no minimums imposed:blush: , but I suppose a young man could not find a job purposely to avoid payment.

We had a neighbor who helped her daughter to raise the child. The daughter got her GED, went to nursing school, and is now quite successful…she is now 23, and she was 17 when her son was born…so it goes to show though, that she buckled down, and became a responsible mom…and wasn’t partying and carrying on, on her mom’s dime. I always marveled at how that family came together, despite the difficulties of their dd’s plight. Just a story to show that God can make things work out, even if the situation looks bleak.

 

[grandfather]

The fact that your daughter even suggested you quit your job to raise her children indicates that she sees you as the person responsible to pay for her mistakes. Why is this? What are you doing to give her this impression?

Your heart can be broken for her, but she is the mother of the children. She somehow thinks you are. Even though you love her you may not be helping her. Maybe you do not know how to help her. She is an eighteen year old in your home with her baby. Why would you allow her to see the man again who put her in this mess? What did you think was going to happen?

The fact that there is no supportive father in the picture is her doing. What is most frightening, or should be to her, is that unless she starts making better decisions, things can get much worse. What indication is there that she has the ability to make bertter decisions? She has allowed a sleazey bum to talk her into grave mistakes, not once, but twice. What will happen when the next bum comes along and shows a little attention to her and in desperation she hopes he will be the one?

It may be true that no one will want her now and she will spend the rest of her life single. There will still be plenty of guys who will want to use her. Her life is not about her anymore. It is about her babies. She is still the mother of two and they depend on her, unless she figures out the most loving thing she can do for her babies is give them to a family that can care for them properly.

My daughter has been a labor and delivery nurse for ten years. She has seen many teenagers give birth. They are all deluded. They think they can be good mothers and all the love they feel for the baby will make everything ok. Just two days ago a sixteen year old gave birth whose bf wants nothing to do with her and her parents insist she give her baby for adoption. They say they will not allow her back home with the baby. She is post partem suicidal. The parents are doing the right thing for their daughter and the baby. They are doing the most loving thing. The daughter is incapable of doing the right thing. Her emotional state, raging hormones and distress blind her. As long as parents are willing to enable her she would continue to make poor choices.

Grandparents are too old to parent. Teenagers are too young. It is a long term commitment. There may be several options, but there is only one right choice for the baby.

 

[filiae]

Your heart can be broken for her, but she is the mother of the children. She somehow thinks you are. Even though you love her you may not be helping her. Maybe you do not know how to help her. She is an eighteen year old in your home with her baby. Why would you allow her to see the man again who put her in this mess? What did you think was going to happen?

I did not allow her to see this guy again. In fact, I forbid it. She did what she did in spite of what she was told. I cannot watch her 24 hours a day. I can only trust her to do the right thing. And now I don’t trust her anymore.

You’re right when you say I don’t know how to help her. I am much too close to the situation. That is why I am calling a counselor that I know at Catholic Charities on Wednesday.