teenager

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raphaela said:
Bettyg, I was a little disturbed that you have this device on your daughter’s computer. I know that you are only looking out for your daughter’s best interests but, do you eavedrop on her conversations on the phone and follow her where ever she goes? Do you read her diary too? How is your daughter going to listen to you and be respectful towards you when you are invading her privacy? Privacy is very important to a 16 year old girl. At this point in their life, privacy is all they have. Personally, though i am not a parent, i’m 20, i think you should stop doing that. My mother did that to me all the time, among other thigns and i don’t talk to her anymore, she doesn’t tlak to me. It put such strain on our relationship. I doubt that is what you want, but that might be what you get. What your daughter is going through is merely a phase. You shouldn’t condone it, but realize that this is what her friends do, she just doesn’t want to be left out or left behind. I know you will probably freak at me for this but that is my opinion.
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I have to disagree **with ****raphaela… I have had something like this done to me, my mom use to snoop in my room and on the computer, and listen to phone conversations. I know that teenagers don’t like it, but coming from someone who has had this done, I know that it was for the better… and I am a better person now because of it.:tiphat: **

**raphaelaI don’t know if she needs a therapist but I agree with most. Children need to make mistakes and learn rather then rebel and not learn. If getting drunk is her things and sneaking out she’ll drink too much one night make herself sick and won’t do it anymore, that’s what happened to me.
****I used to have the same thoughts too… let them make mistakes. But thats not true! I have made a big mistake that changed my life, adn I can’t change it back now! So if a parent can do something about a child’s behavior and stop the actions, than fine, any means necessary!!! ****

**Who knows what else she could have gotten into while out with friends… it might not have only been drinking… You said she is going to be a senior?? I remember my senior year… I remember my Junior year too and I remember what all I did… I am not proud of myself.:banghead: **

**LadyBug: PRAY!!! PRAY!!! PRAY!!! Pray to our Blessed Mother for help, her being a Mother too, she can help you! I will pray for your daughter as well…:gopray2: **
And by all means, if you think that punishing (grounding) her will help keep away from friends that do whatever you feel that needs to be done. (I was only allowed to go out once a week, at one point b/c my parents didn’t like the guy I was seeing and tried to stop me from seeing him…)

She is going to rebel… but stick with it, she will come around and appreciate what you have done for her, I know I have with my mom and dad.❤️ Everything you do will be b/c you love her and you want the best for her… also if you have any other children it is a good reminder that your incharge… remember she is an influence to the younger siblings, as well as the younger children around her (family members, friend siblings, people from church).
God Bless You and your family!
**
 
Is it possible? Yes.

Will it be easy? No. If you do it alone. Yes. If you have help.

CFC-Youth For Christ (CFC-YFC) - is a ministry of Couples for Christ that is called to evangelize the youths of the world - to make other youths see that knowing the Lord does not happen to older people only, like their parents. Evangelization happens in the same youth context and environment. YFC provides a venue and opportunities which allow its members to be “what they want to be as long as they are Christians”. The fun aspect of being a youth is not taken away from them by the program, but rather is enhanced because they know that they have the best friend of all in the person of Jesus Christ.

YFC is now in all 50 states in the US and in many countries around the world. wwwcfcyfcusa.com
 
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raphaela:
I don’t know if she needs a therapist but I agree with most. Children need to make mistakes and learn rather then rebel and not learn. If getting drunk is her things and sneaking out she’ll drink too much one night make herself sick and won’t do it anymore, that’s what happened to me.
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Her behavior is dangerous! Alcohol poisoning and drunk driving, both could cause this 16-year old’s death. Her parents are charged with protecting her. Privacy is something earned.
 
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Ladybug:
Teen daughtertoo much influence of tv, music, friends, imodest clothingNot enough influence from God, church ,familyObviously we have made mistakes as parents…any advice on fixing it? Is it possible to turn your teen around after she has been immersed in too much of the wrong thing?
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Hi Ladybug:

I know how you feel! I have teens too, and sometimes get so discouraged–bad language sometimes–influences of the world --yikes! OF COURSE THERE IS HOPE!!!

My advice is to make it a rule that you all HAVE to go to church together every Sunday --as long as she lives at home–and make sure she goes to the youth group mid-week somewhere, even if it’s a non-Catholic church, but one with a great youth group. Tell her she just has to go. Period. One with good solid teaching–and learning about the Lord and His importance in their life, and a place to meet other Christian teens as well. This is most important as she will be with peers and a good example --youth leader, etc. She will have the seed planted–that’s all we can do as parents, and also to instill things in our family life that she can watch and observe. Such as Church of course, family grace at meals, prayers, etc. Buy her a good teen devotional book at your local Christian/Catholic bookstore. My son reads it nightly before bed, as much as he said he wouldn’t, when I first gave it to him.!!! Also I put a rosary around his lamp shade in his room and reminded him to say his prayers.! Don’t worry if they think you’re “stupid”—I know they’re listening!!! Set rules!!! With my kids–I say often: “I’m tired of the disrespect around here–you all fighting–too much T.V.–it’s gonna stop starting today”…and they know “whoah look out for Mom”----new rules might begin…well --I have a hard time being firm all the time—but today I totally was and it worked!!!Take one day at a time!

Don’t give up! Let her know in what ways you think change needs to come about and start today! More than anything, tell her you and Jesus loves her. Never stop!

God Bless~~~~

Your Friend and fellow “teen mom”
 
Lots of good stuff being suggested. As far as listening to phone calls and monitoring computer activities, I have no problem with it if the situation warrants. I have 2 sons, 8 and 13, so I am right on the cusp of the culture war…as their father, I try to be strict but fair. It helps that my wife and I are on the same page, as far as discipline and religion are concerned. I am the parent, so I hold the power - if my son wants me to “trust him” he has to be trustworthy. He has to earn it. If he sneaks around playing GameBoy when he’s been told not to, what makes him think I’ll trust him with the family car when he’s driving? So let your kids know where their actions are taking them in life. Be willing to talk and listen.

Home enthronement - a very good idea. We just had ours done a couple weeks ago. We now pray a family rosary every night. Good to get the kids in the habit.

Limit tv and computer use. We have done without cable for 7 years and nobody has died as a result…

CCD - we switched to something called FIRE - stands for Family Intergenerational Religious Education. A group of families meets monthly for scripture study, discussions, snacks and socializing. If your parish does not have it, check around to see if they can start one or if you can find a group nearby. It is a great way to share learning with the whole family and to meet others in your parish. We are also supplementing with “Catholicism For Dummies” (has a lot of great reference info). We read a chapter, discuss it with our older son, and do some praying to finish up the session.

Prayer surely helps - both you and your offspring. I do not envy your task of taking up the gauntlet of spiritual direction for a teen who is almost a senior - just like with small animals, it’s easier to domesticate em’ if you get em’ young…good luck and I’ll say a prayer for you!

Doc
 
DocLimit tv and computer use. We have done without cable for 7 years and nobody has died as a result...:
WHAT EXCELLENT ADVICE!!!

We have had to get a lock for our entertainment cabinet–because kids cannot abide by NO. They haven’t died either. LOL

I feel this negative media influence is one of the worst things affecting our children today. Let them read, listen or play music, etc.

If they don’t like it well tough. TV and computers just cannot be babysitters!!!

Thx Doc! Parents reading–please take heed and turn off the TV!!
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find a good youth group (even lifeteen) force her to go if you must…and then find every weekend retreat to get her away from her current situations with her friends.
 
As a former troubled teen who is now a parent I have to say that spying can at times be a necessary tool.

If a parent suspects dangerous behavior - they are obligated to use all tools at their disposal.

If the teen doesn’t like it - he/she should not engage in dangerous behavior.

Think of it this way - what if the parents of the Columbine Killers had done a little more “spying?”
What if something happens to your teenage child - and it could have been prevented if someone read their online conversations?

On the other hand - when a teen is behaving well - they should be rewarded with having some privacy.

It is a fine line we walk - but we should err on the side of safety.
 
Sounds like lots of good advice. I agree with most of it. Especially pray alot! That is the best. I also find that the best things to do are, teach by example (they are watching), be honest with your kids (they respond well to this, makes them feel adult), and make sure she knows how valuable she is; not just to you and your family, but to God. Much of the trouble teens get into is because of self esteem problems, trying to fit in, etc. If she knows her value as a person and child of God, she might not need all the other stuff. It might give her confidence and self-respect. I know it would have helped me immensely. But even if she seems to lose her way for a while, don’t lose hope! Somehow, she will find her way back. :gopray2: without ceasing!! You will all be in my prayers!!
 
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bettyg51:
My 16-year old daughter was very disrespectful and told me she was moving out this Tuesday and going to live with a friend. When I told her she would have to pay her own bills and hand over the car keys, she decided not to. I got suspicious why she had over-reacted like that, so I put keylogger software on the computer she uses to do instant messaging. It records all her keystrokes and creates a log that I can view later. (HomeKeylogger is free and available from downloads.com, though better versions are for sale on the 'net).
This log told me she had been sneaking out with her friend after we went to bed and both had gotten drunk. We confronted her last night about who the guys were on her Buddy List. She told me, but the keylogger told me she was lying because she IM’d her friend about it. We lovingly confronted her and told her we knew everything but did not tell her how we knew. I disconnected the modem (though disconnecting the detachable computer cord would do the same thing) to keep her from using the chat software, so she got on the phone to her friend, exactly as I thought she would. We listened on the extension and found out a guy was coming over to pick her up at 1:30 am. My hubby sat in the truck in our driveway. He caught her after she sneaked out and shined the flashlight on the guy’s car, so they fled.

We are going to be doing bed checks randomly every night. We are locking up the modem and all the phones at night. We put alarms on our windows and doors. (available from Radio Shack.) She is grounded big-time. No more spending the night at friend’s houses. No cell phone, because it doesn’t have an extension we can listen in on. We are stategizing with the other parents.

I put the modem back this morning so I can gather more keylog data. What scares me is we do not know how long she has been doing this.

Warning: You can’t be too careful these days! Know what your kids are up to. They do not deserve privacy if they are doing such dangerous things. A good parent keeps their kids safe. Don’t assume because they are going to Catholic schools and are in a strong Catholic family with parents that set a good example, that they won’t try to sneak around. I am grieving the loss of the trust I had in my perfect straight “A” Catholic high school daughter. Please pray for her and that we will be guided by the Holy Spirit.
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I understand desperate situations sometimes require drastic action…but…if your relationship has deteriorated to the point of you having to use a keylogger…to get the truth out of your child…then one really needs to re-eval the situation. The key ingredient with any successful relationship…wither it be a spouse or child…is honesty. If you don’t have that…you have nothing. The solution? I’d recommend family counseling. If she doesn’t cooperate…etc…after a given period of time…I’d probably
ship her off to boarding school…or enroll her in a juvenile…military type program.
 
There are two huge problems I see with parents nowadays. Either he/she is overbearing…or they do not discipline their kid enough. There is a delicate balance. Morals…religion, etc…needs to be taught from the very beginning. Every successful relationship is built upon honesty…trust…and communication.

Art can be impressionable on a young adult who has very little guidance …but if the parent has done his/her duty…it will have very little affect on the young adult. If you shelter a child from the Simpsons…you’re going to have to shelter them also from Caravaggio paintings…Dante’s works, etc. Again…the key is honesty…trust…communication…understanding…and discipline.
 
Some ideas:
  1. Turn off the TV (hers and yours) and spend time with her. Don’t volunteer her against her will to do your choice of charity work. Ask her to find something important to her that you could get behind and volunteer with her.
  2. Get to know her friends.
  3. Show her some of the hideous “styles” of the past–particularly anything you wore yourself–and ask if she’s really going to want to remember herself wearing the current version of that.
  4. Possibly find some young men in their mid-twenties who can “big brother” her straight on what message she’s really sending to guys.
  5. Possibly find some young single mothers in their mid-twenties who can “big sister” her straight on where her behavior might get her. (This is only if you know for a fact that she is sexually active.)
  6. Make a list of all the things about her that you are proud of and all the things you will miss when she goes out on her own. Give it to her.
  7. Listen to what she has to say for at least the amount of time a day you want her to listen to you, probably three times as much. If you just can’t communicate with her anymore, get some joint counseling. If she resists, ask her: When are we going to learn to talk? When you move away to college? When you marry a husband you’re just sure I’m not going to like? I love you, but I don’t understand you. I think we need to fix that.
  8. And of course, pray and frequent the sacraments as often as you can and encourage her to do the same… if only to humor you. Habits like that can come back like a life preserver later on.
  9. Double all of the above if you are her DAD.
  10. Don’t despair. God loves her even more than you do.
 
as far as privacy is concerned, your daughter lost all claim to such consideration when she broke your trust. this is literally a matter of life and death, you are protecting her from potential predators.

do not force her to attend Church activies, CCD, or youth group. If she does not want to be there she will be disruptive and combative and make life miserable for everyone else, and grow to hate the Church besides. You may make Mass attendance a stipulation for all who reside in your home, and insist on proper dress and deportment.

You are way past dialogue and listening, and shoving the problem on to the school or the parish -you lost your window of opportunity. Look into tough love.
 
I hated being a teenager. It was the most confusing and worst time of my life.

I’m pretty sure that my mom kept tabs on me, once when I was 14 she read my journal and found out that I was smoking pot. When I found out she read it, I was furious, as I had every right to be. However, now that I am older I realize that she did what she had to do to find out what was going on in my life. It may have been sneaky and underhanded, but I stopped smoking pot.

When she gets older she will realize that what you are doing now was for her own safety and well-being. Right now, she sees it as putting a damper in her social life. If this behavior persists, I would encourage her to live at home for her first 2 years of college. I did this, but it was my own decision because I knew that I would get myself in trouble if I had gone away in my freshman year.

After I got caught that one time, whenever I would do something bad, or think about doing something bad, I’d think about how my mom would react, or how other adults I had respect for would react.

This may take a while though, I was wild and rambunctious until I was 20. Some kids just need to sow their wild oats. Your daughter may not do it now, but she may do it later when she has more freedom.
 
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dhgray:
Is it possible? Yes.

Will it be easy? No. If you do it alone. Yes. If you have help.

CFC-Youth For Christ (CFC-YFC) - is a ministry of Couples for Christ that is called to evangelize the youths of the world - to make other youths see that knowing the Lord does not happen to older people only, like their parents. Evangelization happens in the same youth context and environment. YFC provides a venue and opportunities which allow its members to be “what they want to be as long as they are Christians”. The fun aspect of being a youth is not taken away from them by the program, but rather is enhanced because they know that they have the best friend of all in the person of Jesus Christ.

YFC is now in all 50 states in the US and in many countries around the world. wwwcfcyfcusa.com
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Youth for Christ is an evangelical Protestant fundamentalist youth ministry. If you are Protestant and it fits with your religious beliefs, then fine. But if you are Catholic, be aware that Youth for Christ and Young Life and similar are Protestant and evangelical. I am Catholic, mother of a teenager, and my new agenda is trying to counter certain Protestants who post on this board in support of these evangelical Protestant youth groups. They are trying to steal our Catholic youth away to non-denominational fundamentalist Christianity. Be alert folks. Do not unknowingly hand your children over to a “Christian” group that you don’t know much about. Would you let them go off to a “Christian” youth group only to find out later that it was the Moonies or the Mormons or the Jehovah Witnesses?
 
La Chiara:
Youth for Christ is an evangelical Protestant fundamentalist youth ministry. If you are Protestant and it fits with your religious beliefs, then fine. But if you are Catholic, be aware that Youth for Christ and Young Life and similar are Protestant and evangelical. I am Catholic, mother of a teenager, and my new agenda is trying to counter certain Protestants who post on this board in support of these evangelical Protestant youth groups. They are trying to steal our Catholic youth away to non-denominational fundamentalist Christianity. Be alert folks. Do not unknowingly hand your children over to a “Christian” group that you don’t know much about. Would you let them go off to a “Christian” youth group only to find out later that it was the Moonies or the Mormons or the Jehovah Witnesses?
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The CFC-Youth For Christ of which I speak, is in fact CATHOLIC. The CFC-YFC is the Youth ministry arm of the Vatican Approve, Catholic Based, world-wide Family Ministry called Couples For Christ (CFC).

If you had cared to do your research you would have found the Couples for Christ (CFC) is a servant and lay arm of the Roman Catholic Church in the work of family renewal and evangelization, and has a number of bishops as its Spiritual Directors. The Catholic Bishop’s Conference of the Philippines (CBCP) has granted Couples for Christ recognition as a PRIVATE ASSOCIATION OF THE LAY FAITHFUL in accordance to Canons 321-329 of the Code of Canon Law. Furthermore, CFC operates under the auspices of the Family Life and/or Evangelization Offices of parishes and dioceses throughout the world. couplesforchrist.us/faq.php?id=14

AND YES you are right, there is a Youth for Christ which is an evangelical Protestant fundamentalist youth ministry and I’ll stand with you to protect our children from it. CFC-YFC is an alternative.

God Bless you,
Davis Gray
 
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asquared:
as far as privacy is concerned, your daughter lost all claim to such consideration when she broke your trust. this is literally a matter of life and death, you are protecting her from potential predators.

do not force her to attend Church activies, CCD, or youth group. If she does not want to be there she will be disruptive and combative and make life miserable for everyone else, and grow to hate the Church besides. You may make Mass attendance a stipulation for all who reside in your home, and insist on proper dress and deportment.

You are way past dialogue and listening, and shoving the problem on to the school or the parish -you lost your window of opportunity. Look into tough love.
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What sound advice! I completely agree. You are responsible for the spiritual and physical welfare of your daughter. Your daughter has not acted in a responsible and respectable way. Now her priveledges should be taken. In this case, privacy is a priveledge that was lost due to her OWN accord.

In your house where you pay the bills, phone use is a priveledge, computer use is a priveledge, going out etc. But mass, Adoration, Confession, weekly family rosary are all obligations.

There is great advice in this thread for tough love…and your daughter does not need to be in agreement - just needs to be in church.
May God Bless and guide you and your daughter.
 
dhgray–I am sorry for the error. Indeed, I was referring to the Protestant “Youth for Christ”. Rather unfortunate that both groups have the same name. It causes confusion. I absolutely support Catholic youth ministries for Catholic kids. God bless.
 
La Chiara:
dhgray–I am sorry for the error. Indeed, I was referring to the Protestant “Youth for Christ”. Rather unfortunate that both groups have the same name. It causes confusion. I absolutely support Catholic youth ministries for Catholic kids. God bless.
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That’s no problem…In fact it works to our advantage most of the time. Usually the Campus Crusaders leave us alone.

Sorry if I snipped at you. I just love this CFC Community because they saved our marriage and probably my life. My oldest just joined the CFC-YFC and her “teenage attitude” is one of love and respect for the family and the Church.

CFC is big in NY. check them out at www.couplesforchrist.us
 
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