Tell a girl about my past sexual sin before dating?

[Bezant]

So Ive been blessed with this great catholic girl iam crazy about. Shes an incredibly holy and inspiring person. But ive had sex before, I made a mistake one time with a girl i thought was my soul mate and had sex with her. I regretted it from that moment but ive confessed. Time has passed and i really want to date this new girl but i think she deserves the perfect guy.

Am i right in thinking its better to flat out tell her and ask her to accept me before we start a relationship rather than telling her later on after weve started our relationship. I dont want her to feel like ive lied to her and was hiding it from here if it never came up in conversation. I dont want her to waste her time on me if she doesnt want to marry a non virgin guy i cant blame her.

So advice please? i havent told anyone about this. Girls is it better if a guy just flat out told you he liked you but his sin was holding him back? Is completele upfront honesty about my past the best route? thanks so much

weve been really good friends for a few months she knows mostly everything about me. were going on dates but i feel like this sin is holding me back from starting an honest relationship

Kevin,

You seem to imply that you are ‘not good enough’ for this girl. If you are struggling with self-esteem, you should steer away from a committed relationship (for the time being). I’ve seen it time and time again, where couples depend on romance to fill an inner void. In most cases, at least in my experience, such relationships end badly.

Having said that, unless you are ready to discern marriage, your sexual past is between you and God. Just because you made a mistake doesn’t mean you are now ‘damaged goods.’ Your spouse – if she is a sensible, patient, God-fearing women – will realise this is well.

 

[Margarete_Faust]

Kevin,

You seem to imply that you are ‘not good enough’ for this girl. If you are struggling with self-esteem, you should steer away from a committed relationship (for the time being). I’ve seen it time and time again, where couples depend on romance to fill an inner void. In most cases, at least in my experience, such relationships end badly.

Having said that, unless you are ready to discern marriage, your sexual past is between you and God. Just because you made a mistake doesn’t mean you are now ‘damaged goods.’ Your spouse – if she is a sensible, patient, God-fearing women – will realise this is well.

Agreed. If you are struggling with forgiving yourself about this issue, you won’t be the perfect guy she deserves. Remember, you have to forgive yourself. Also, if she is a loving person, it will not matter to her as long as you repent of your past sin (which is gone if you have confessed it).

If you two get serious, that would be the time to tell her. In the dating phase, no. In the part of the relationship when you two are starting to know a lot about each other, there will be a time and a place to bring that up.

The most important thing is the conscious effort to stay pure. Just as I would hope for a good Catholic guy to see more to me than my past, I hope she is loving enough to do the same for you.

God bless.

 

[EasterJoy]

Kevin,

You seem to imply that you are ‘not good enough’ for this girl. If you are struggling with self-esteem, you should steer away from a committed relationship (for the time being). I’ve seen it time and time again, where couples depend on romance to fill an inner void. In most cases, at least in my experience, such relationships end badly.

Having said that, unless you are ready to discern marriage, your sexual past is between you and God. Just because you made a mistake doesn’t mean you are now ‘damaged goods.’ Your spouse – if she is a sensible, patient, God-fearing women – will realise this is well.

He would certainly do well to talk to his pastor about it. Sometimes we feel so disappointed in ourselves about something we deeply regret that we forget that most people have a few skeletons in their closet, and of the rest many others know to say, “There, but for the grace of God, go I”, because of an admired friend or family member with some big regret to get through.

People have more readiness and reason to be merciful than we give them credit for!

 

[thewanderer]

BUT–If she were to tell him, “if he has confessed his past because he believes it to be wrong and has suffered no practical consequence I need to know about, I don’t want to know”, then he may honor her stated policy. That is not hiding.

Yes, of course, if she tells him that she doesn’t want to know then of course it would be ok. Personally I find it hard to imagine not wanting to know anything about one’s future spouses sexual history, but I guess there could be people like this, so its good to bring it up.

 

[chevalier]

I just want to be honest with her about who I am. Many religious women simply do not want to marry a non virgin boy.
any differing opinions? please?

While I agree with people who say you don’t need to volunteer the information at an early stage, I would certainly understand and support (while perhaps not encourage) your decision to tell it and have it off your shoulders while having her informed early enough that she can make a decision without being affected by “Investment Syndrome” too much.

I volunteer some information in advance too, although there is nothing sexual on the list other than obviously the fact I accept the sexual teaching of the Catholic Church, am not prepared to deviate, and not willing to put up with the full extent of what we are allowed to put up with on the part of the spouse (I basically don’t want to have to deal with the use of potentially abortifacient ABC by spouse at any point). I tend to volunteer the information about all the broken families in my family and the fact a relatively large number of half-siblings while non full-blood. This is because I’m sort of too proud and tense to accept a relationship with someone who’d see it as a personal flaw. But shucks, enough about me. The decision to go and tell some important information that may have impact on the status of the relationship or the willingness to change it is not an unsound decision.

If you do tell, don’t be emo about it. Be brief, respectful and non-graphic. Make it clear whether the disclosure is meant to provide clarity for both of you, fair choice for her or a sense of relief for you (or a combination of sorts). Brevity and lack of pathos tends to be the best manner of telling. To avoid misunderstandings, such an act of telling may include a certain amount of assuring the other person that you don’t in any way approve of what you did or expect her to accept the act itself (as opposed to accepting you as a person). In plain English, if you tell a woman about something like that, she can think you’re reluctant to let go of the memory or reluctant to accept that it was wrong, this sort of thing (a misunderstanding obviously but this often happens between people).

 

[Patrick1540]

So Ive been blessed with this great catholic girl iam crazy about. Shes an incredibly holy and inspiring person. But ive had sex before, I made a mistake one time with a girl i thought was my soul mate and had sex with her. I regretted it from that moment but ive confessed. Time has passed and i really want to date this new girl but i think she deserves the perfect guy. Am i right in thinking its better to flat out tell her and ask her to accept me before we start a relationship rather than telling her later on after weve started our relationship. I dont want her to feel like ive lied to her and was hiding it from here if it never came up in conversation. I dont want her to waste her time on me if she doesnt want to marry a non virgin guy i cant blame her.
So advice please? i havent told anyone about this. Girls is it better if a guy just flat out told you he liked you but his sin was holding him back? Is completele upfront honesty about my past the best route? thanks so much

If you where truly sorry for your sin and made a good confession, you do not have that sin any more.You made a mistake,let it go,God has through your absolution.Don’t tell her, there is no point,the sin is gone.Do not hang on to what you have confessed to in good conscience.Stay the course this time and respect this girl of yours.Don’t hurt her with your guilt of some thing God has forgiven you for.Always respect yourself and your girl.Walk in Holiness and prayer,keeping Jesus Christ and the Catholic Faith the center of your relationship.It will be the best one you ever had if you do that.Trust me I have been married 20 years.Jesus is always the center of our marriage,the Catholic Faith,and Respect!
God Bless

 

[EasterJoy]

If you where truly sorry for your sin and made a good confession, you do not have that sin any more.You made a mistake,let it go,God has through your absolution.Don’t tell her, there is no point,the sin is gone.Do not hang on to what you have confessed to in good conscience.Stay the course this time and respect this girl of yours.Don’t hurt her with your guilt of some thing God has forgiven you for.Always respect yourself and your girl.Walk in Holiness and prayer,keeping Jesus Christ and the Catholic Faith the center of your relationship.It will be the best one you ever had if you do that.Trust me I have been married 20 years.Jesus is always the center of our marriage,the Catholic Faith,and Respect!
God Bless

No, not quite. There is a time when there is no purpose to be served by trying to make amends with those you have hurt by your sin, there are times when confessing some particular sin to your spouse might do more harm than good (I’m not trying to second-guess a confessor who told you something similar), but confession does not remove the temporal results of sin.

If you spend all your paycheck and can’t feed your family and go and confess it, you still have nothing to feed them with and you still have to tell your wife. If you commit bigamy and confess it, you still have two families to be concerned about, and you still have to come clean to both. You don’t get to wash your hands of the messes you made just because you’ve confessed what a mess you’ve made of things. You get to wash your hands of the shame and the guilt and the eternal consequences, you have God to lead you through them, but the temporal results are still there to deal with.

 

[EasterJoy]

Yes, of course, if she tells him that she doesn’t want to know then of course it would be ok. Personally I find it hard to imagine not wanting to know anything about one’s future spouses sexual history, but I guess there could be people like this, so its good to bring it up.

I have known people to say that if the temporal consequences are something that can be safely ignored–no heirs, no virus, no one stalking you–then if the sin is repented of and far in the past, they don’t want to know. I guess it is like not wanting to know whether a crime was committed in your home before you bought it. Maybe you don’t want to think about it, maybe you’d be better off if you didn’t, and sometimes, you don’t have to. It’s one way to go.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Too much information for a first date! Give her a chance to get to know you better, wait for the subject to come up and then tell her. Be honest with her and let her make up her own mind how she feels about it.

I agree with the above. I think that you might give a weird vibe, maybe seem too sex obsessed if you dump that kind of info on her this early on. She is probably not living under a rock and understands the difficulties and temptations that people face in this area. Don’t idealise her either. I’m not accusing her of anything, but she is a real person with flaws and sins, not some ideal image of a woman. Keep that in mind and take it easy.

 

[vera_dicere]

I just want to be honest with her about who I am. Many religious women simply do not want to marry a non virgin boy.
any differing opinions? please?

I agree with the others in regards to bringing it up only if asked. However, I think you should get a full STD check, even with condoms bugs can get through. You don’t want to have a footnote to the “I’m not a virgin” conversation.

As a practicing Catholic, virgin woman myself, I realise that people fail, Lord knows I do! Sometimes their failures are giant, othertimes, just irritating. Some failings, regardless of confession, will follow us for the rest of our lives, ie. abortions, fornication resulting in HIV, adultery destorying a family. Confession sets you right with God, it doesn’t always set you right with other people.

The world is a flashy place, with a lot of pressure to be sexual. It happens that people will mess up. But you’ve acknowledged your screw up, you’ve confessed, you’re moving on, and you know you’ve done wrong. If anything, you know what you’re missing out on, you could be out and about shagging up a storm, but you’re not! That’s to be admired.

I accept that if marriage is my vocation, my husband might not be a virgin, but as long as he’s confessed, repented, and moved on who am I to hold his past over him?

If this girl is as great as you think she won’t hold your past over you either. If she loves you, she will forgive you also. People might tell you your fornication doesn’t affect her, but in a way, fornication is a sin against your future spouse. Unless you’re going to marry her, though, there’s really no need to ask for forgiveness from her just yet.

So:

1. Get tested.
2. Only bring it up if she does.
   3 Or, if you’re still worried about it, steer the conversation towards that topic, say in a few more months if you’re still dating.

 

[101405]

So Ive been blessed with this great catholic girl iam crazy about. Shes an incredibly holy and inspiring person. But ive had sex before, I made a mistake one time with a girl i thought was my soul mate and had sex with her. I regretted it from that moment but ive confessed. Time has passed and i really want to date this new girl but i think she deserves the perfect guy. Am i right in thinking its better to flat out tell her and ask her to accept me before we start a relationship rather than telling her later on after weve started our relationship. I dont want her to feel like ive lied to her and was hiding it from here if it never came up in conversation. I dont want her to waste her time on me if she doesnt want to marry a non virgin guy i cant blame her.
So advice please? i havent told anyone about this. Girls is it better if a guy just flat out told you he liked you but his sin was holding him back? Is completele upfront honesty about my past the best route? thanks so much

Are you close friends with her? If so then yes tell her. If not, then better to start a friendship first, before trying to date her, and still tell her before dating.
I’m only 15 and haven’t started dating so take my advice with a grain of salt, but I would definitely want to know first, but it wouldn’t make me not want to date someone just because they messed up. Don’t freak out. I seriously doubt that she would not date you just because of that. And she wouldn’t be wasting time on you just because you are not a virgin. Not being a virgin doesn’t take away any of your value as a person or a potential spouse. And remember most of all that you are still a son of God and that He’ll never love you any less no matter how many times you sin.

 

[101405]

Here’s what Jason Evert has to say about it:
chastity.com/chastity-qa/starting-over/relationships/how-do-i-tell-guy-im

It’s a girl asking the question but everything he says applies to guys as well.

 

[Marie1234]

I just want to be honest with her about who I am. Many religious women simply do not want to marry a non virgin boy.
any differing opinions? please?

Hi Kevin,

I was in this situation with my boyfriend and he told me very early on in our relationship. It didn’t matter to me one bit because it’s in the past. Virgin or not, I love him and I was very grateful he was so open and honest with me.

But then again, I’m not the average girl, so I’m not sure how the normal Catholic, virgin girl would react? I would suggest waiting until you two are at least boyfriend/girlfriend. Like others have said, you don’t want to scare her off by telling her too soon!

Wait until the time is right and your relationship is more serious, but when the subject comes up, and it will come up, be very open and completely honest. Every girl appreciates honesty. I’ll pray that she will react the same way I did with my bf

God Bless!

 

[Irishmom2]

Here’s what Jason Evert has to say about it:
chastity.com/chastity-qa/starting-over/relationships/how-do-i-tell-guy-im

It’s a girl asking the question but everything he says applies to guys as well.

You beat me to it! Please check out this link. It is full of good information.

 

[JimG]

Sometimes people wish to unburden themselves of their past sins by taking the burden off their own shoulders and laying it on someone else. But why take your burden and lay it upon one you love? To unburden oneself at the expense of burdening another seems rather selfish to me. I know of a man who destroyed his marriage in this way.

 

[Luvz2travel]

Just tell her that while you walk a straight path now in the past you fell off the path a bit and made mistakes. The details aren’t really her business. If she’s the right one for you she won’t hold it against you. We all make mistakes after all no one is perfect and if God forgives so must we but you past sins don’t have anything to do with her.

 

[hannajomar]

Here’s what Jason Evert has to say about it:
chastity.com/chastity-qa/starting-over/relationships/how-do-i-tell-guy-im

It’s a girl asking the question but everything he says applies to guys as well.

I agree with this. When I was dating my husband, I told him of my sexual past only when it seemed that we were actively and seriously discerning marriage with each other. The extent of what I told him was, “I’m not a virgin.” I told him I had been completely celibate for 6 or 7 years. He didn’t ask any questions beyond that. He has told me recently that it didn’t bother him because by the time I told him, he knew me well enough to know what I am like now. I would recommend to wait until you are seriously dating someone.

 

[LittleRose]

I just want to be honest with her about who I am.

Waiting until the right moment to share your darkest secrets is not dishonest. Furthermore, it’s more important for her to know who you are now, not who you were. One sin that is in the past, especially one that has been absolved in the confessional, does not define you as a person.

Many religious women simply do not want to marry a non virgin boy.
any differing opinions? please?

I think there are young women who haven’t thought about this. Some of them will assume that a serious Catholic man will be a virgin, but only if they are naive enough to forget that some men have converted to the faith and others may not have been serious about their faith until recently.

In any case, the fact that you are not a virgin is not something she needs to be made aware of until the relationship looks like it is becoming serious (i.e. thinking about marriage). Even if she is surprised, she may very likely decide that since God has forgiven you, she won’t hold your past against you.

 

[peacoat]

Telling her right away is creepy.

about 8 months to a year and a half in, if things are heading towards marriage but have not yet reached engagement it is appropriate.

I knew a couple months in my ex was sexually active as a young man, but respected my chastity. He told me around 10 months of going out that he had been married at 20 (he was 33). What he failed to say was that the divorce and annulment was all in his imagination. Yeah, it was bad.

If you’re sorry for it, you’ve been forgiven. Sharing your sexual past is almost as sacred as sharing sex itself. You should only say it when you are sure you want to commit to this woman. Othewise it just seems rather caddy.

 

[ValPal]

Telling her right away is creepy.

It all depends on the couple and the delivery of the question.

I think it would be in bad taste to just start blurting it out. OTOH, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask basic questions early on and expect basic answers. Those very basic questions and answers would allow the parties to decide if they want to proceed further.

Detailed explanations, IMHO, are generally a bad idea early on. People really don’t need others that are not their spouses, or at least soon to be spouses, knowing the gory details of their sexual past. If spouses want to reveal such things to each other, fine. Such things should never be revealed to anyone else without specific spousal permission.

There may be deal-breaker issues that have to be addressed, but really may not be appropriate to reveal to other party early on. These can indirectly be addressed by each party simply revealing what the deal-breaker issues are, and stating that if any of those issues exist, the relationship will not work out. The parties can then either agree or not agree to continue the relationship without directly addressing the issue(s).