Tell boyfriend of past abortion 14 years ago?

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flordegirasol75

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I’m having a dilemma to say the least. I had an abortion 14 years ago when much younger/stupid/scared. I have been to confession and came back to the Church – mass every Sunday and confession periodically. I do regret what I did but I am looking to get married and have a family of my own.

Am I obligated to tell my current boyfriend of my past mistakes even thou the child was not his? I’m scared that he will look at me differently even thou this is not who I am. He is a devout Catholic and I am not sure how he will react. Plus we are talking about marriage (been courting for a year) so I’m not sure if I need to bring this up at all since it was so long ago.

Please advise.
 
You aren’t required to mention all of your sins to your bf if you don’t want to. What is said in the confessional is between you and God. The only time you would have to worry about mentioning a sin is if justice requires it, like if you exposed your bf to a STI. It is really up to you if you want to mention it or not, just use your good judgment.
 
Advantages of telling him:
You will see how he will deal with mistakes you will make in the future (and I think you might make some, of course, I could be wrong).
You will see how forgiving he can be.
You will challenge him to live his Catholic faith in forgiveness.
You may find that, together, you can work to prevent abortion.
You won’t feel like you’re keeping a secret from him.
It could allow him to open up to you about his past sins, which will give you a chance to show your love for him.
Even if it begins in a negative discussion (how could you, etc.), it could open his heart to understanding how women can have abortions, and can increase his compassion for those who have done this.

Disadvantages:
He may use this against you in the future when you have arguments.
He may decide you aren’t good enough for him and leave you.
He may not be able to deal with the fact that you have been with another person and had an abortion. He will look at you differently (and not in a good way).

It is a tough decision. If it’s weighing on your mind, will it ever go away? Did you know that women who have had abortions sometimes have difficulty bonding with the children they later have? You may not have this issue as you seem to have reconciled with it, but it’s important to keep this in mind.

If you think you will tell him later in your marriage (after the wedding), it will be worse than before. He will think less of you for keeping this a secret. How good are you at keeping a secret? How will this affect your ability to give yourself fully to him?
 
flordegirasol75 said:
I’m having a dilemma to say the least. I had an abortion 14 years ago when much younger/stupid/scared. I have been to confession and came back to the Church – mass every Sunday and confession periodically. I do regret what I did but I am looking to get married and have a family of my own.

Am I obligated to tell my current boyfriend of my past mistakes even thou the child was not his? I’m scared that he will look at me differently even thou this is not who I am. He is a devout Catholic and I am not sure how he will react. Plus we are talking about marriage (been courting for a year) so I’m not sure if I need to bring this up at all since it was so long ago.

Please advise.
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I see more benefits than disadvantages to telling him personally. Since you still regret the decision, it still affects you personally. During marriage one of the most important things is trust and confidence in one another. If you don’t trust him to still love you - even w/ this mistake you made 14 years ago - then what happens during your marriage if you do something that disappoints him and/or upsets him?

Would you want to know if he participated in an abortion w/ a prior girlfriend? I personally would want to know. Its not good to dwell on things like this, but it is good to have openness & honesty from the very beginning of the marriage.

If you don’t tell him, but something comes up during you marriage (you miscarry, you’re infertile, emotional issues) that vaguely can relate to your past abortion, you’ll need his support to get through it. That would not be a good time to tell him what happened 14+ years ago.

Ultimately its your decision. Pray over it. Speak to a trusted priest about it. Speak to other women who’ve been in your situation (I’m sure you can find some in one of the post-abortion groups). Good luck!
 
Orchanian said:
Advantages of telling him:
You will see how he will deal with mistakes you will make in the future (and I think you might make some, of course, I could be wrong).
You will see how forgiving he can be.
You will challenge him to live his Catholic faith in forgiveness.
You may find that, together, you can work to prevent abortion.
You won’t feel like you’re keeping a secret from him.
It could allow him to open up to you about his past sins, which will give you a chance to show your love for him.
Even if it begins in a negative discussion (how could you, etc.), it could open his heart to understanding how women can have abortions, and can increase his compassion for those who have done this.

Disadvantages:
He may use this against you in the future when you have arguments.
He may decide you aren’t good enough for him and leave you.
He may not be able to deal with the fact that you have been with another person and had an abortion. He will look at you differently (and not in a good way).

It is a tough decision. If it’s weighing on your mind, will it ever go away? Did you know that women who have had abortions sometimes have difficulty bonding with the children they later have? You may not have this issue as you seem to have reconciled with it, but it’s important to keep this in mind.

If you think you will tell him later in your marriage (after the wedding), it will be worse than before. He will think less of you for keeping this a secret. How good are you at keeping a secret? How will this affect your ability to give yourself fully to him?
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great advantages!!!
 
Yes, you need to tell him. Having an abortion can affect your future futility with him so he needs to know that going into a marriage. If he finds out about later, after you are married, it will undoubtedely make things worse. But if you truly are to become one, he needs to know about it. Marriage doesn’t just include physical union but emotional & spiritual union as well.
 
flordegirasol75 said:
I’m having a dilemma to say the least. I had an abortion 14 years ago when much younger/stupid/scared. I have been to confession and came back to the Church – mass every Sunday and confession periodically. I do regret what I did but I am looking to get married and have a family of my own.

Am I obligated to tell my current boyfriend of my past mistakes even thou the child was not his? I’m scared that he will look at me differently even thou this is not who I am. He is a devout Catholic and I am not sure how he will react. Plus we are talking about marriage (been courting for a year) so I’m not sure if I need to bring this up at all since it was so long ago.

Please advise.
Click to expand...
I can say that I would want to be told, but that doesn’t have any real bearing on your relationship.

If you are serious about this man, then your eventual total self-donation to him would include absolutely everything you are, have been, and will be, yes? A devout Catholic should be very forgiving, I would think. …and it’s not like anyone else in this life has lived as a Saint since the day we/they were born. There could be something in his past that he has been wondering about whether or not to tell you for fear of scaring you off. This could be an opportunity for growth for the two of you, really.

Do you have a spiritual director to talk with? Maybe speak with your Priest as well? It seems like this would be a topic worthy of long discussion with a trusted spiritual director.

Anticipation of suffering is worse than living with the results of making the right decision.

God bless you,

Andrew
 
Personally, I would tell him. Starting a marriage with a secret is not a good thing, and obviously, this is weighing on you heavy or it would not even be an issue. Yes, you run the risk of losing him, but if that happens, was it really love in the first place. My husband and I have been through many trials in our marriage, but from the very beginning it was all ‘laid out there’, thus forcing us to deal with issues together. I can tell you that it was not always pleasant, there were certainly times that we had our share of arguments (and still do), but in the end, we were always better for coming clean with the other. Best of luck to you.
 
You should tell him, but when the time is right.

If you have not been dating for more than about 2 years or are not engaged, you should NOT tell him yet… it would be weird for him since your relationship might not be mature enough to discuss such serious things. Just my 2 cents.
 
personally, i would tell him… would have told him up front… from personal experience, I have found that it is very helpful when the one person you love and want to spend your life with, knows everything. there is that trust and support! I would feel guilty if my fiance thought/found out that I was hiding something from him. What if your bf finds out somehow? He would be hurt because you kept it from him! =\
 
I’m a guy… so just keep that in mind.

If I were you, I would tell him. This might be a shot in the dark, but I think that you are probably experiencing some anxiety over this situation because you are thinking something along the lines of “what if he is upset and decides that our relationship has been compromised?”

I wouldn’t continue to carry this cross of anxiety, especially in entering into marriage. An understanding boyfriend will not hold any anger against you for past deeds–especially those you regret.
 
musicality said:
I’m a guy… so just keep that in mind.

If I were you, I would tell him. This might be a shot in the dark, but I think that you are probably experiencing some anxiety over this situation because you are thinking something along the lines of “what if he is upset and decides that our relationship has been compromised?”

I wouldn’t continue to carry this cross of anxiety, especially in entering into marriage. An understanding boyfriend will not hold any anger against you for past deeds–especially those you regret.
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Hmmm… Yea, I agree with that. Ignore my other post 🙂
 
Keep in mind this particular canon regarding consent when entering marriage:

Can. 1098 A person contracts invalidly who enters into a marriage deceived by malice, perpetrated to obtain consent, concerning some quality of the other partner which by its very nature can gravely disturb the partnership of conjugal life.

Finding out after marriage about a past abortion certainly can “gravely disturb the partnership of conjugal life.”

A man who would reject you because of this is not necessarily the man you want to marry anyway. If you are seriously talking marriage, seek the advice of your priest regarding disclosing this to your boyfriend.
 
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