Tell me everything I need to know about guys

[1ke]

I never saw that film, so, I’m not sure what the answer is.

Netflix.

 

[Xantippe]

In general do no fall for the most common lie told to young women in any of it’s variants. That you are so mature for your age/girls mature faster than boys, etc. Do not allow yourself to get pressured into things or situations you’re not ready for or you’re not comfortable with.

**I think that it is true that on average girls mature faster in certain ways–for instance with regard to fine motor skills, attention, organizational skills and the sort of stuff that makes teachers happy, gets you on the honor roll, and so forth. But otherwise, yeah.

A guy in my family was often told how much more grown up his much younger sister was. As it happened, the “maturity” was just sister having better basic social skills and being better at putting one over on her parents. In all other respects, sister was actually much less mature than the brother. But nobody noticed that until it was too late…
**

If you’re living at home, any date should involve the guy showing up at your home and getting sized up by your parents. (and recording of the car and driver’s license numbers, photographing him, fingerprints …)

Oh, wow!

Do not look at any date as a commitment to anything more than a couple of hours involving a single event. There is no obligation for follow-up dates, and no point in continuing dating someone if you’ve decided it’s not going anywhere. At your age and limited experience, keep it light- you’re probably gonna break up with the first few guys you get semi-serious about. Harder to do if you’ve over-committed. You should be assessing the kinds of things in men you can accept, and those things you can’t. Hold to a high standard in your own behavior, expect and do not tolerate anything less in the young men you date.

Yes. At this point, it’s 90% a learning experience.

If you like a guy, show reciprocity and invite him to stuff, too. But don’t overdo it and wind up putting in 80% of the effort.

Again, read Seraphic Singles.

 

[Xantippe]

They say that sexuality runs rampant on college campuses, but, dating is dead? That doesn’t make much sense.

Believe it or not, it’s true (with some exceptions). You’ll be lucky to date at all in college. I graduated from college 20 years ago, before it was clear what was going on with social trends, and at the time, I had no idea why I wasn’t dating or why almost nobody I knew was dating or had a girlfriend or boyfriend on campus. At the time, I didn’t notice the general lack of dating and formal relationships and I thought it was just me.

As a rule, real dating starts after college.

 

[Xantippe]

Do guys ever want to be friends with girls, or is that not possible? I’ve been lurking the Family Life forum for a while and a good chunk of posters talk like they don’t think opposite gender friendships are possible. Which is discouraging because I haven’t clicked with other girls. In fact, I have only one female friend and that is online. I was just hoping that maybe being in a co-ed environment would give me a better chance at having friends.

I would say that college is a good place to have a lot of friendly and intellectually stimulating platonic relationships with persons of either sex. What you see in the Family Life forum refers primarily to older married people.

When I was a college student, I would have to say that I had much closer guy friends. Years later, I don’t have close guy friends that I’m not married to, but I do have my husband, close relationships with other women, and friendly (but not close) relationships with friends’ husbands and dads at school.

As you get older, things change, but each life stage has its charms. And, I do think that the camaraderie and intellectual engagement that is possible at college with people of the opposite sex is good preparation for dating and marriage, down the road.

 

[redbetta]

Do you not go outside, watch TV, talk to people or what? Seems like you would have some sort of contact with others.

And I don’t think it realistic that strangers on the Internet can tell you “everything you need to know about guys”. I suggest you talk to your parents. Why have they not prepared you for adult interactions?

My parents never talked to me about these things. Maybe it’s just the culture that they are from. I spend a lot of time outside, but, I don’t watch TV. I don’t see many people my age when I’m out.

 

[styrgwillidar]

Yes. At this point, it’s 90% a learning experience.

If you like a guy, show reciprocity and invite him to stuff, too. But don’t overdo it and wind up putting in 80% of the effort.

Again, read Seraphic Singles.

Xantippe, I’ve tried to explain to my girls that guys who won’t meet the parents are probably not the guys they want to be around. And yes, I try to impress upon the young men that my daughters have a father who is very interested in their welfare. I only refer to them by a number until they’ve been around awhile-- I tell them, I don’t see the point in starting to get attached to them since they may not be around long. Also, referring to them by name humanizes them and may make it more difficult for me to do what might need to get done.

Mom and Dad can be a big asset to an 18 yr old girl in assessing boys, if she’s willing to listen to her parents and leverage their decades of experience. 18 yr old’s who only listen to their friends with the same amount of experience and maturity as themselves can run into trouble.

 

[pensmama87]

Believe it or not, it’s true (with some exceptions). You’ll be lucky to date at all in college. I graduated from college 20 years ago, before it was clear what was going on with social trends, and at the time, I had no idea why I wasn’t dating or why almost nobody I knew was dating or had a girlfriend or boyfriend on campus. At the time, I didn’t notice the general lack of dating and formal relationships and I thought it was just me.

As a rule, real dating starts after college.

Some of this may depend a bit on the college culture.

Where I went, there was a decent subset of students who were engaged or seriously dating by graduation (who have since gotten engaged and/or married). But yes, there was a huge “hookup culture” too. There was not a lot of overlap between the two groups - rarely, rarely, did a hookup lead to anything actually resembling a “relationship.”

But there was a lot of extracurricular involvement and things to do that didn’t involve drinking, and from what I remember that’s how people who dated met - you know, like normal people do in a non-alcohol-soaked environment. And there was a lot of room at my school for being social without drinking (I won’t say that I was perfect and never drank until I was 21, but I was not a “partier” and was somehow crazy popular in college - being around a lot of other people who are the same kind of nerd as you can do that. )

I would say that college is a good place to have a lot of friendly and intellectually stimulating platonic relationships with persons of either sex. What you see in the Family Life forum refers primarily to older married people.

When I was a college student, I would have to say that I had much closer guy friends. Years later, I don’t have close guy friends that I’m not married to, but I do have my husband, close relationships with other women, and friendly (but not close) relationships with friends’ husbands and dads at school.

As you get older, things change, but each life stage has its charms. And, I do think that the camaraderie and intellectual engagement that is possible at college with people of the opposite sex is good preparation for dating and marriage, down the road.

This is also true. Group projects (where, finally, you might actually be doing something with people who are also interested in learning ) and student activities lead to lots of friendships with all kinds of people. And the social “benefits” of that, besides having a good time and building good friendships, are huge. I learned a lot in that stage of my life that I still use today.

Yeah, I had to be wary of some stuff (hence why I avoided the party scene), but I went into college being really enthusiastic about all of it - learning, being around other people who actually liked learning, having the time and ability to get involved in things. It was really, really fun too.

 

[Exiled_Child]

Xantippe, I’ve tried to explain to my girls that guys who won’t meet the parents are probably not the guys they want to be around. And yes, I try to impress upon the young men that my daughters have a father who is very interested in their welfare. I only refer to them by a number until they’ve been around awhile-- I tell them, I don’t see the point in starting to get attached to them since they may not be around long. Also, referring to them by name humanizes them and may make it more difficult for me to do what might need to get done.

Mom and Dad can be a big asset to an 18 yr old girl in assessing boys, if she’s willing to listen to her parents and leverage their decades of experience. 18 yr old’s who only listen to their friends with the same amount of experience and maturity as themselves can run into trouble.

Ha! Lol, that’s rad. If you’re a firearms enthusiast, maybe you could courteously and nonchalantly show your daughter’s dates your gun collection when they come by to meet you? If I had daughters I would undoubtedly share your approach, by the way.

 

[redbetta]

Ha! Lol, that’s rad. If you’re a firearms enthusiast, maybe you could courteously and nonchalantly show your daughter’s dates your gun collection when they come by to meet you? If I had daughters I would undoubtedly share your approach, by the way.

This reminds me of the guy who came to my high school health education class to talk about STDs. He said that, when his daughters will be old enough to date, he would meet the guys, show him his sword collection, talk to them while polishing a sword, and give a demonstration on how smoothly and effortlessly that sword can cut. I wish my dad would try something like that. Unfortunately, he prefers to think the best of everyone unless proven otherwise.

 

[styrgwillidar]

Ha! Lol, that’s rad. If you’re a firearms enthusiast, maybe you could courteously and nonchalantly show your daughter’s dates your gun collection when they come by to meet you? If I had daughters I would undoubtedly share your approach, by the way.

Well, you have to draw a fine line-- intimidate them too much and scare them away and the daughters likely reaction may be to show you how wrong you are by chasing after the boy. Besides, showing them weapons in that context might be taken as brandishing or assault.

I’m polite to them, and the girls note how the boys react to me. Are they polite, respectful? Do they shake hands? Or are they full of themselves? Their Mom gives them good advice about sizing up the boys as well.

Younger daughter’s boyfriend right now is a good kid. Going to college and not in a hurry to do stupid things that might mess that up, has a sense of responsibility for his actions, realizes how young he is. Not anxious to make his goals more difficult to achieve doing things he’s not ready for yet. Two of them were cooking macaroons together last night…

 

[Exiled_Child]

Well, you have to draw a fine line-- intimidate them too much and scare them away and the daughters likely reaction may be to show you how wrong you are by chasing after the boy. Besides, showing them weapons in that context might be taken as brandishing or assault.

I’m polite to them, and the girls note how the boys react to me. Are they polite, respectful? Do they shake hands? Or are they full of themselves? Their Mom gives them good advice about sizing up the boys as well.

Younger daughter’s boyfriend right now is a good kid. Going to college and not in a hurry to do stupid things that might mess that up, has a sense of responsibility for his actions, realizes how young he is. Not anxious to make his goals more difficult to achieve doing things he’s not ready for yet. Two of them were cooking macaroons together last night…

Yeah, I can see that you’re right. I just found it a funny image, is all.

It must be a good feeling to meet the guy your youngest daughter likes, and to find out that he’s a decent kid with goals.

 

[Xantippe]

But there was a lot of extracurricular involvement and things to do that didn’t involve drinking, and from what I remember that’s how people who dated met - you know, like normal people do in a non-alcohol-soaked environment. And there was a lot of room at my school for being social without drinking (I won’t say that I was perfect and never drank until I was 21, but I was not a “partier” and was somehow crazy popular in college - being around a lot of other people who are the same kind of nerd as you can do that. )

**Yes, many colleges expend a lot of time and effort on providing wholesome entertainment.

From being around colleges for about half my life, I would say that there’s easily 100X more wholesome entertainment available on campus than you could realistically take in.
**

 

[Xantippe]

Younger daughter’s boyfriend right now is a good kid. Going to college and not in a hurry to do stupid things that might mess that up, has a sense of responsibility for his actions, realizes how young he is. Not anxious to make his goals more difficult to achieve doing things he’s not ready for yet. Two of them were cooking macaroons together last night…

Awwww!

 

[mark_a]

Background: I’m an 18-year old girl who is starting college in September who has attended an all-girls high school for all four years and has not had any contact with males outside my immediate family and none that are around my age. Tell me everything I need to know so that I can be prepared because I know absolutely nothing. Thanks.

Most college aged guys are idiots. To reduce your exposure to them socially:

• Stay away from Protestant guys. Their belief systems are all over the place and will not mesh with the Catholic concept of marriage
• Join FOCUS (Fellowship Of Catholic University Students) to reduce your exposure to idiot Catholic guys
• Loving your future kids now will help you select a good father for them when the time is right

Best wishes!

 

[Xantippe]

Most college aged guys are idiots. To reduce your exposure to them socially:

• Stay away from Protestant guys. Their belief systems are all over the place and will not mesh with the Catholic concept of marriage
• Join FOCUS (Fellowship Of Catholic University Students) to reduce your exposure to idiot Catholic guys
• Loving your future kids now will help you select a good father for them when the time is right

Best wishes!

Not all Protestant guys are idiots! But the idiots ones all seem to have blogs explaining their “theories.”

biblicalgenderroles.com/2015/07/10/does-the-bible-teach-the-concept-of-human-property/

canecaldo.wordpress.com/page/2/

I have to quote a little from the last one:

“She [his wife] quit her job (against her wishes). We homeschool now; which was my idea, not hers. The house is clean(er) now, but I am satisfied that she does her best. I put the kibosh on a lot of volunteer activities that she claimed to enjoy, but actually drained her energy and spirits.”

And he’s very, very pleased with himself.

 

[Ridgerunner]

I doubt I can be of any help at all. I’m a guy, and how many guys really have that much insight? But I’ll try, based on the only thing I really know…myself.

I was a guy who was always looking, but I was looking for different things in different girls; some not so good. But no matter what, I was always looking for a wife. I was raised in a stable family, had lots of siblings, and I knew from about the time i was four or five that my “vocation” was family and marriage. I thought about it quite a bit even as a kid.

So, with girls it was a matter of searching, passing up, searching, passing up. I had a good time doing it. I did all the things other guys did; partied, drank, did crazy things. But I was always, always, looking. But I was not desperate, as some guys are. I figured I could and would bide my time. At that point in my life, I was in “girl heaven” when there were more unattached girls by far than unattached guys.

Know how my wife and I met and how our relationship developed? Well, we were at a political victory party. (Republican, though I was a Democrat at the time. Repub girls, it seemed to me, were better groomed and more polite, and at the time it was true.)

Anyway, I was “putting the hustle” on some girls there. My future wife kept shooting verbal put-downs at me for doing it. Some were enormously clever. I took her aside and asked her to stop doing it. She agreed if I would stop being so full of it in front of her friends. We talked a bit, the hostility died down and we finally agreed we were both “big kids” who could be honest with each other in every way.

I asked her to be my “confidante”. She agreed if I would be her “confidant”. And we really were, and past that evening too. We both dated others afterward, as well as each other, but that relationship of confidence was special. Ultimately, we admitted we loved each other.

So, perhaps the most important thing to know about guys (at least as far as my limited insight goes) is that some guys come to a point in their lives when they are “looking” (some always are) and, if they’re mature enough, they’re looking for that woman who, above all things, they feel is a true “confidante”. Romantic love, it seems (at least in my case) can actually follow that relationship of confidence. Genuineness is vital. But one has to be reasonably mature of mind and soul to be genuine. And that’s true of both men and women.

It didn’t hurt that we were both Catholic and were serious about it, though neither of us was a monk or nun in civilian clothes, which some are.

 

[DavidFilmer]

I never saw that film, so, I’m not sure what the answer is.

No spoilers here. Watch the film When Harry Met Sally]. It’s a romantic comedy starring Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan.

If you’re interested in this question then you will be interested in the film.

There’s a scene in a delicatessen that is just about the funnest thing I’ve ever watched.

 

[lifeandhope]

Everyone has given good advice; I only have a couple of thoughts to add. One is to listen to and follow your gut instincts. If something feels off about a person or situation, pay heed. I always talk to my domestic violence clients about their “harm alarm”; sometimes a person or situation seems fine on the surface but there is something that doesn’t quite sit well. Even if you can’t determine the cause or details of what is wrong, get out of the situation or relationship. Many times our subconscious brain picks up on things and we respond to those things without consciously knowing exactly what is going on. I hope this makes sense. What I am trying to say is to trust yourself and protect yourself by listening to that intuitive voice inside.

As a female, I have to say that a good amount of my best friends and favorite people are men. I had a wonderful father who was my best friend until the day he died (God rest his beautiful soul). When I was single, I had a good many friendships with men and enjoyed these very much. At times there can be sexual tension, but honestly, a mature person can navigate these waters with respect for him or herself as well as the other person. Now, as a married woman my husband is my best friend and I guard my heart and marriage by not getting close to or spending time alone with another man.

I hate to have to echo what another poster said but be on the alert for certain types of evangelical and Protestant men. Of course, one type is the kind with extremely relativistic morals and standards of conduct. The other type is the “I’m the head and you woman must submit to me.” Pay attention to how a guy treats people like wait staff, store clerks, etc. if he mistreats them or thinks that they are beneath him, that’s a huge red flag.

My best advice is to be open to new experiences; join clubs and groups, participate in class discussions, go to Mass every week. You may be more comfortable operating in group settings for awhile and that’s okay. Avoid putting yourself in compromising situations. There are some bad characters out there. But there are also even more great men out there for you to get to know.

Going to college may be awesome for you and if so, fantastic. But if the culture shock is jarring and you struggle for awhile as you adjust, be patient (and kind) with yourself. Sometimes the transition is difficult but it will get better. This is an exciting time of life for you! I wish you all the best as you go forward. Let us know how you’re doing in a few months!

 

[Kurisu35712]

They say that sexuality runs rampant on college campuses, but, dating is dead? That doesn’t make much sense. Then again, I see a lot of things that don’t make sense these days. And, this is a response to the bolded text within my quote. I’m not sure why that blurb doesn’t appear when I reply.

Ehh… I’d take nearly anything you hear with a grain of salt. College senior, male, decently active social life, long-distance girlfriend from high school (actually going to visit next week), never had sex. No problem admitting it either People think it’s weird, but I’ve never cared what people think anyway. Sex is a huge thing on college campuses, sure, but if you don’t want to, avoiding situations where it’s likely or expected isn’t that hard. Just make sure you’re adamantly clear about the fact that you don’t want to do it with the other person, and don’t let them convince you otherwise.

Also, dating isn’t dead on college campuses. At least not at mine or the four some of my friends are going to. Don’t buy into the paranoia. Sex is obviously a thing that happens, but it’s not as bad as people who harp on it make it sound. For every two students that are doing it, there are two more who aren’t, two that can’t get a date, at least one that doesn’t want a date, and then that one person who’s having sex with anyone they can but then turns around and complains about not being able to get a boyfriend/girlfriend. A better description of college life is a room full of people with as many preferences and goals as there are individuals. It’s not as easily generalized as people make it sound.

If you like a guy and he likes you back, and you want to start dating, go for it. Just be aware of what you want in any relationship and make sure that’s compatible with what they want. If you don’t want to have sex and they’re expecting it on the second or third date, obviously that’s not going to work out. But then, you probably shouldn’t be dating people you don’t know well enough to determine that about anyway.

 

[Kurisu35712]

Do guys ever want to be friends with girls, or is that not possible? I’ve been lurking the Family Life forum for a while and a good chunk of posters talk like they don’t think opposite gender friendships are possible. Which is discouraging because I haven’t clicked with other girls. In fact, I have only one female friend and that is online. I was just hoping that maybe being in a co-ed environment would give me a better chance at having friends.

I’m at least one example where that’s totally possible and even likely. I have probably just as many friends who are girls as I do friends who are guys. One of my best friends in college is a girl I’ve had studio with since freshman year. We’ve done more group projects together during college than we haven’t. She’s one of my few Catholic friends. I have other friends who are girls too, but then I pretty much always have, even since elementary school. Most of my closer friends now are guys, but that’s partly because the majority of girls just don’t have the same sense of humor or the same reactions to things, and it’s just more difficult to relate to them. But it’s not like your friendships will be or should be gender segregated. Be friends with who you enjoy spending time with, just make sure whatever boundaries you set are respected.

Don’t overanalyze things too much. You’ll make friends with people. Maybe try joining a club, hang out with a few friends from class if you see a bunch of the same people. Being in a studio-based major probably makes that a lot easier for us, but it’s not like you won’t meet people. My girlfriend is in an anime club at her university which is where she met most of her friends from school. My closest friends are people I’ve had studio with. I also made a lot of new friends on my study abroad trip, but spending 90 days in a foreign country with 40 people kind of necessitates becoming friends pretty quickly. I’ve made friends in electives I’ve taken, I’m friends with my roommate from sophomore year, I made friends with my lab partner in Physics. You’ll meet people you like and people you don’t, just like anywhere. Just hang out with the ones you enjoy being around.