Tell me everything I need to know about guys

[redbetta]

Well, you’re not perfect now.

You can get better or worse in college, or even better and worse at the same time in different areas.

Which you choose is up to you.

I don’t exactly trust myself.

 

[Xantippe]

I don’t exactly trust myself.

Well, come up with some rules for yourself well in advance of any problematic situation.

Here are some possibles:

1. I won’t drink alcohol until I can legally do so.
2. When I can drink alcohol legally, I won’t drink more than two servings per evening. (And if you’re a wee thing, even that might be too much.) I won’t let anybody buy me drinks. I’ll watch my drink. And, ideally, I won’t drink alcohol anywhere where I don’t have a close friend with me. We’ll go together and leave together.

safeparty.ucdavis.edu/partier/checklist.html

1. I’m not going to be alone with any guy that I don’t know really well, particularly not after drinking.
2. I won’t accept rides from anybody I don’t know really well.
3. I won’t engage in any physical displays of affection just out of curiosity or when there isn’t any affection.
4. I won’t kiss a guy unless we are dating seriously.
5. If I see that a relationship is a dead end, I will stop dating that person.
6. I won’t date anybody “just to be nice” or “not to hurt his feelings.”
7. I will not accept expensive gifts from a man I am not engaged to or accept any large favors.
8. I will be cautious about older men. They know what they’re doing. I don’t.
9. If I get a funny feeling about a person or a situation, it’s OK to bail.
10. I will learn what abuse looks like, and I won’t abuse anybody, and I also will not stay in an abusive relationship.

abuse-against-women.com/abuse_checklist.html

For bibliography, I’d recommend Dorothy Cummings’ “The Closet’s All Mine” (that’s the Seraphic Singles lady) and “The Gift of Fear” (which is a very influential book about personal safety and trusting your intuition).

There’s a very good list here of warning signs that a situation may be dangerous:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Gift_of_Fear

Also, go to confession regularly.

Good luck!

 

[Jelrak_TB]

Do guys ever want to be friends with girls, or is that not possible? I’ve been lurking the Family Life forum for a while and a good chunk of posters talk like they don’t think opposite gender friendships are possible. Which is discouraging because I haven’t clicked with other girls. In fact, I have only one female friend and that is online. I was just hoping that maybe being in a co-ed environment would give me a better chance at having friends.

Most of my friends were girls. I did not date any of them. I did not even wish to try…

 

[Xantippe]

Also, come to think of it, there are non-alcoholic versions of cocktail that are very yummy, so if friends are going out, you can have a fancy drink of your own to enjoy, have a good time, and stay stone cold sober.

I haven’t sampled a lot, but as I recall, virgin strawberry daiquiris are VERY good.

 

[schaeffer]

If you are truly that inexperienced with young men I suggest you don’t date at all the first year of college. If a nice guy asks you out…suggest some group activity that he could come along with.

Focus on meeting and making some strong female friendships with like minded women. Others have made great suggestions about where to find people who are interested in positive things and positive past times.

By your second or third year, you will have a solid cadre of male and female friends and will be less vulnerable to being “taken” because you will have LOTS of people to bounce ideas off of.

It’s really fine to tell people “I’m not dating these days but how about you join us for…” It’s more comfortable to get to know people in a less loaded situation than the dating game.

 

[styrgwillidar]

I’m worried about changing for the worse.

Fair enough, because this is exactly why at this age you need to be careful about relationships while you figure yourself out.

You need to decide what your moral code and values are. Because when no one else is around, that’s what you’ll need to live up to. Breaking your own moral code is what makes looking in the mirror harder as you get older. The things that violated that code, that you rationalized at the time.

Decide who you are, who you want to be, and be that person. Always. You will not change for the worse if you define who you want to be and identify what is being a worse or better person. If you do not establish a moral code, you may drift only to look back realizing what you’ve allowed yourself to become.

 

[Xantippe]

If you are truly that inexperienced with young men I suggest you don’t date at all the first year of college. If a nice guy asks you out…suggest some group activity that he could come along with.

Focus on meeting and making some strong female friendships with like minded women. Others have made great suggestions about where to find people who are interested in positive things and positive past times.

By your second or third year, you will have a solid cadre of male and female friends and will be less vulnerable to being “taken” because you will have LOTS of people to bounce ideas off of.

It’s really fine to tell people “I’m not dating these days but how about you join us for…” It’s more comfortable to get to know people in a less loaded situation than the dating game.

That’s very good advice about timing.

Freshman year is a great time to focus on settling in academically and finding friends and extracurriculars that you enjoy.

 

[Xantippe]

Fair enough, because this is exactly why at this age you need to be careful about relationships while you figure yourself out.

You need to decide what your moral code and values are. Because when no one else is around, that’s what you’ll need to live up to. Breaking your own moral code is what makes looking in the mirror harder as you get older. The things that violated that code, that you rationalized at the time.

Decide who you are, who you want to be, and be that person. Always. You will not change for the worse if you define who you want to be and identify what is being a worse or better person. If you do not establish a moral code, you may drift only to look back realizing what you’ve allowed yourself to become.

Right.

Figure out in advance what your personal rules are going to be.

It is OK to fine tune them (your ideas will gradually change), but any changes to your personal rules ought to be decided on by you in a cool moment.

 

[Joegrane]

Background: I’m an 18-year old girl who is starting college in September who has attended an all-girls high school for all four years and has not had any contact with males outside my immediate family and none that are around my age. Tell me everything I need to know so that I can be prepared because I know absolutely nothing. Thanks.

Redbetta, I really like Shanunti Feldhahn’s books for your situation. She is a Harvard trained analyst but what she writes with her husband might be described as Christian sociology. Get the book and put it on your shelf in your dorm room. Others will benefit too.
shaunti.com/book/for-women-only-2/
shaunti.com/book/for-young-women-only/
alibris.com/search/books/author/Shaunti-Feldhahn

A few thoughts:

Most guys are more “visual” than most women. What you wear will likely be interpreted very differently than you intend.

Guys are a lot less confident than they pretend. Having a female friend–eventually a wife–who provides genuine encouragement and emotional support is much more highly valued than almost any man will admit.

Most woman if forced to choose would prefer to be disrespected rather than unloved. Most guys choose the opposite. They are sensitive to being disrespected, more so than they’ll admit. They tend to get angry when disrespected; whereas women tend to cry when unloved.

Our stinkin society has trained so many men to look at you and your body for the pleasure it can provide to them. Therefore it will be tough to develop genuine friendships. It has also distorted the view of women towards men. Try to make friends in Christian circles.

Btw. godless socialists (they often call themselves “liberals”) don’t have a moral obligation to be honest. It is “ethical” for them to be as dishonest as they can be in order to achieve their goal. However, they’ll avoid getting caught in an obvious lie because that typically hurts their cause. They work to become masters of the half-truth / half-lie. The now famous quote, you can keep your doctor and insurance, is an example. You’ll get lots of this in your classes and it won’t be easy to sort it out. I’ve even seen this in Catholic colleges but state colleges will reek with it. They are breeding grounds for godless socialists.

 

[hwriggles4]

If you are truly that inexperienced with young men I suggest you don’t date at all the first year of college. If a nice guy asks you out…suggest some group activity that he could come along with.

Focus on meeting and making some strong female friendships with like minded women. Others have made great suggestions about where to find people who are interested in positive things and positive past times.

By your second or third year, you will have a solid cadre of male and female friends and will be less vulnerable to being “taken” because you will have LOTS of people to bounce ideas off of.

It’s really fine to tell people “I’m not dating these days but how about you join us for…” It’s more comfortable to get to know people in a less loaded situation than the dating game.

That’s very good advice about timing.

Freshman year is a great time to focus on settling in academically and finding friends and extracurriculars that you enjoy.

Redbetta:

I think there are many good points above, and about extracurricular activities.

I don’t know where you are heading to college, but if you are going to Christendom, Steubenville, UD, Wyoming Catholic, TAC, St. Thomas More, or Northeast Catholic College (the name changed recently - it was College of St. Mary Magdalen), I’m sure you will be able to cultivate friendships with both sexes, and there are activities that are shared between men and women. Christendom, Steubenville, UD, and Northeast Catholic have several homeschoolers in the freshmen class, and the campus culture is more insulated than the larger state funded universities.

If you are going to a large state school, I do highly recommend visiting the Catholic Student Center. That’s often a good place to cultivate friendships, and many freshmen of both sexes will be in the same boat. As a woman, it would also be a good place to make some good female friends for support. IMHO, I would stay away from the frat houses, even at a private school (until at least you know some of the members - some frats are OK, but others are not).

I wouldn’t worry too much about dating, particularly as a freshmen. I’ve heard particularly at Steubenville, most of the men there called to marriage (and the males there are outnumbered by females) want to make friends with a girl first, and often won’t ask anyone for a “date” until they know you well. Dating can involve just taking a walk together across campus or having a cup of coffee at the snack bar. At other colleges, men who are planning to be doctors and lawyers will most likely postpone serious dating - most doctors and lawyers today don’t marry on the average until about the age of 36. I’m an engineer, and back in the early 90’s, our major was about 10% female, which was one reason I went to the Catholic Student Center - to make some female friends - and the cafeteria was also a good place to meet some girls.

Redbetta, some of your weekend social activities could be a campus dance, a games night in the common room, a movie at the student center, or a basketball game. I do recommend with a few other posters to go to Mass on Sunday, either in the dorm (if its offered) or the chapel, or at the Catholic Student Center. You can also attend Mass off campus.

You may also want to take some opportunities to get to know a few people in your classes. One way of academic survival is make at least one acquaintance in each of your classes. That way if you miss a day or have questions, you can talk to someone and share notes. As engineers, we did the “cooperate and graduate”, and classes like mathematics, physics, and chemistry do require a little more time to understand principles. Study groups are also a plus, and can be a good place to cultivate friendships, particularly in your field of study.

**Here’s another tip: Eat your meals in the cafeteria or the dining hall on campus. ** I remember some people would get a “to go box” every night, and IMHO they were missing out on an opportunity for community.

I went back to college in my mid-20’s (I looked like I was in my early 20’s) and even though I had an apartment down the street, I purchased a meal plan. It turned out it was one of the best things I did in college. While I not only ate better (it was also cheap and a time saver - didn’t live on mac and cheese, tuna, soup, raisin bran, and Taco Bell), the cafeteria was a great place to meet people. Many students pass through there, and it’s not really fun to eat alone. I met one of my roommates there, and made some friends that I still talk to today. Take an opportunity to meet up with some of your classmates there, particularly if you have a class that ends around the noon hour.

There was good advice about keeping your guard up, and reading men. There may be a guy who might ask you to a formal or semi-formal event (i.e. if he is in ROTC, they usually have a military ball once a year) and he may be asking you just as a friend, which in my day (mid 80s to early 90s) was generally OK, particularly if you go as a group on at least a double date, and you are comfortable with him. The Knights of Columbus Student Chapters (I think there’s one at Benedictine) may have a formal event as well.

Redbetta, I do agree with the other posters: take it one day at a time, and don’t be in a hurry.

Hope this helps and Good luck.

 

[GreyWings]

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus? lol. Men are women are wired differently…

Young men at your age are wondering the same thoughts about girls. And many young men your age want to date. A starting point would advise to be careful if you find yourself having a crush on a young man.

Nonetheless, lean on the one man who is always in your life and will always love you and never leave you: Jesus. Don’t forget about Him and ask him for guidance daily.