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Sirach_43
Guest
Being an expat myself I find Flyingfish’s comments humorous. In reality, the happiest expat spouses tend to be strong and very independent, not someone with “no life apart from the adventurous partner.”
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flyingfish
Guest
I was just talking about what seems more likely to me. There are always going to be exceptions. I didn’t mean to give offense, but from my point of view most women are not going to be willing to give up their careers, their community and family ties to follow their husband around from country to country as he pursues his dreams.
This could be a generational issue as well, it was more common in the past for women to follow their man around as he pursued his career. Young women today tend to have professional dreams of their own that they are not willing to give up and/or family relationships and friendships.
I think it is misleading to tell the OP that he would have an easy time finding a woman like that (as some earlier in the thread have done), much less a woman like that who would also be strong and interesting. I don’t see it happening, especially if he wants an educated woman. But even a woman who wants to be a stay at home mom is unlikely to be willing to move from foreign country to foreign country, away from family, from friends, among people who don’t even speak the same language.
If he’s really into this job, he’s better off pursuing it and dating women he meets on the job. I don’t know if his particular job leads to eventual settling in one place, which would make a relationship easier, but if it’s a matter of constantly moving from place to place then he’ll have a tough time finding a woman who’ll follow him around.
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KCT
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Job aspirations aside . . . if you no longer have common interests and friends are a problem, why continue the relationship?
It sounds like you’re a young guy with interesting goals. Travel, see the world, enjoy your singleness. Find ways to serve as a single person; make this time in your life productive.
After a while, you may find you want to continue the lifestyle, in which case, look for a woman w/ the same goals. If you don’t want to continue, if settling down becomes more important, I’m sure you’ll meet someone w/ those goals. Don’t rush it . . .
It sounds like you’re a young guy with interesting goals. Travel, see the world, enjoy your singleness. Find ways to serve as a single person; make this time in your life productive.
After a while, you may find you want to continue the lifestyle, in which case, look for a woman w/ the same goals. If you don’t want to continue, if settling down becomes more important, I’m sure you’ll meet someone w/ those goals. Don’t rush it . . .
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Mamanurse
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Ya know, as a woman who has made bad choices about guys in her past, I would have to say that you need to honest with her. Communication, no matter you look at it, is almost always the number one reason people divorce. She obviously doesn’t share the outlook on life as you do, as far as adventurous work and such. I also have to say that marriage will only make this issue more difficult, it will not solve anything, in fact the issues that are issues will only get worse. I am in a marriage now where I wish I had been more open and now I am paying the consequence, trying to work it out with therapy and learning how to have a conversation about the things that matter most. If you truly love this woman and think she is the one, then it seems to me you would be a little more interested in what would make her happy. Sacrifice is part of a great marriage…are willing to do what you need to to make her happy and vice versa on her part?
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Liberanosamalo
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Now, now, FF. I was one of those women. And I do think I’m strong and interesting and educated and I did want to be a stay at home. Actually, living overseas can give you that opportunity in a way that living at home can’t. It wasn’t being away from family and friends in places where I didn’t speak the language that was so hard, it’s the fact that the man I was following was a jerk (who wanted me to abandon guy friends I had before I met him). That’s what ruined the marriage.
But you can’t paint women with broad brushes. I know a lot of college educated women are eager to travel and willing to follow their man.
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royal_archer
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See below
Were these relations deep passionate relations or just people you dated for a while? (Hence the qualifier in my orriginal remark. )I can see dating someone for a while and realizing the spark just isn’t there but remaining friends, but I would consider those more shallow relationships. If these were deep relationships for the OP’s GF, are they over and just plutonic or is it due to residual of that relationship? can this person truly committ to a relationship or is their commitment spread over multiple parties?
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Musician
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Dear Argh,
You are NOT a jerk. My son just went through the same thing: GF for 3 years, not sure if he wanted to get married, felt they had divergent interests, etc. I’ll tell you the same thing I told him: BREAK UP. It isn’t worth being tied to someone in whom you really aren’t completely fascinated with. People change and grow when they are young, and you sure don’t want to make a mistake with the rest of your life.
Never get married until you feel like you can’t live a single day (happily) without that person around; that you have the same interests and goals; same faith, etc.
I applaud your desire to travel. I wanted to, also, at your age, so I joined the Air Force. Met my husband, we both loved living abroad and served our country for 24 years; we traveled and lived all over the world. If that is what you want to do, I’d seriously think “military”.
God bless!
You are NOT a jerk. My son just went through the same thing: GF for 3 years, not sure if he wanted to get married, felt they had divergent interests, etc. I’ll tell you the same thing I told him: BREAK UP. It isn’t worth being tied to someone in whom you really aren’t completely fascinated with. People change and grow when they are young, and you sure don’t want to make a mistake with the rest of your life.
Never get married until you feel like you can’t live a single day (happily) without that person around; that you have the same interests and goals; same faith, etc.
I applaud your desire to travel. I wanted to, also, at your age, so I joined the Air Force. Met my husband, we both loved living abroad and served our country for 24 years; we traveled and lived all over the world. If that is what you want to do, I’d seriously think “military”.
God bless!
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mjs1987
Guest
I agree with this and would add to it by saying that it can be a destructive thing in certain circumstances to remain friends with an ex. This is because it is hard to know what the other person is feeling or thinking. The other person might have an attraction for you and might on the inside be hurting over not having you. It is also intimidating since many men will assume something is going on or that there is still competition going on for her and this will cause men to be distrusting from the start and turn off many men from even trying to have a relationship. It is perfectly ok to be friends with exs but you have to keep your distance and try not to get too close.
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davetv
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You ARE a jerk if you stay with her any longer. In marriage there is mutual admiration and respect. Your post is primarily about everything you don’t like about her. It’s not about having different interests as much as you really are not into this girl. It’s time to let her go so she can find her future husband and not waste years with the guy who settled.
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sanctamaria17
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My college educated friend is getting married to a man in the military and deploying to another country with him. She’s excited 
As for me, I want to travel, but because that’s what I want MY career to be Of course, my friends think I’ll marry a guy I meet overseas, haha. We’ll see.
I don’t think you’re a jerk, just honest about what you want. However, you need to be honest with her, in a gentle, loving way, but honest nonetheless.
As for the tomboy thing…that really depends. Does she dress up for special occasions? Tell her how pretty she looks, she may do it more often
If you’re dishonest, then you’re a jerk. Be honest.
As for me, I want to travel, but because that’s what I want MY career to be
Of course, my friends think I’ll marry a guy I meet overseas, haha. We’ll see.I don’t think you’re a jerk, just honest about what you want. However, you need to be honest with her, in a gentle, loving way, but honest nonetheless.
As for the tomboy thing…that really depends. Does she dress up for special occasions? Tell her how pretty she looks, she may do it more often
If you’re dishonest, then you’re a jerk. Be honest.
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flyingfish
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I’m not saying these women don’t exist, I’m just saying it seems to me that it would be hard to find one. Remember, you come from a different generation. I’m in my 20’s like the OP, and every woman I’ve ever met was interested in pursuing her dreams. I haven’t met anyone who would be willing to give that up to follow a man around. I’m not saying these women don’t exist, but I’m saying he should be realistic about his chances of meeting one he’ll also be attracted to.
A variety, that includes deep passions, love, and even intention to marry. I’m not friends with all my exes, I’ve had some bad ones I would never talk to again and would call the cops if they tried to contact me. Some I am friends with, and it’s not at all because of any remaining desires.
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Sirach_43
Guest
I’m someone with very strong family and friendship ties. The Internet and inexpensive telephone rates (3 cents per minute from Asia to the US) allow me to keep in touch with those important to me back home. I talk with my parents now just as much as when we were living 100 miles apart. Our extended family has started an Internet group that allows us to keep up with news about each others’ lives actually better than when we were all living in the US and would just have family reunions every five years or so. It’s not quite the same and I do sorely miss holidays together and Sunday afternoon BBQs, but any life you choose will have trade offs.
The career issue is a little more difficult. However, if the trailing spouse is flexible in career goals, then there are usually opportunities. I haven’t been able to find a position in my primary career (though the global recession is a big part of this), but right now I am exploring some ideas to start my own business. Meanwhile there are plenty of volunteer opportunities and organizations to join that at least keep me involved with the local community. I think flexibility is a key character trait.
The global expat community is huge and growing and cuts across all ages.
And for the original poster, Chinese language skills are very much in demand right now. Consider careers with international businesses as well as with governments.
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Irish_Girl_68
Guest
You’re not being a jerk. This is all part of discerning whether or not she should be your spouse. Good luck!
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JimG
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Perhaps that is part of the reason why marriage is in so much trouble lately. Not saying that a woman has to be willing to follow a man around wherever, but if neither party is willing to give 100% to the other; if neither party is willing to sacrifice anything for the other, then we’re looking at a partnership, not a marriage. And partnerships aren’t permanent.
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flyingfish
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I dunno, it’s an interesting question why marriage is in trouble. Many things changed, in the past women didn’t have much of a choice other than to marry and stay married, now they do.
I agree people should be willing to compromise, but maybe some sacrifices shouldn’t be made? Ideally though these kinds of things should be talked about before marriage, and not after.
Asking a person to move from foreign country to foreign country as you pursue a career path is a lot to ask. Some people would be willing to do it, but I doubt that most would. I am myself an immigrant, and moving to a different country is hard. Learning the language is hard, especially as an adult. Many careers don’t transfer from country to country.
It’s just something that should be thoroughly discussed before the marriage happens, not something to spring on your spouse afterward. If I got married to a man who later said he was now going to travel around the world in pursuit of his career I’d wish him good luck and move on, I imagine quite a few would do the same. In many ways it is easier to find a new man locally than to drop your work and your community relationships and move to a foreign land.
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JimG
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I agree those sorts of things ought to be talked about before marriage. In marriage, two are to become one. A 50-50 partnership will never be a true marriage.
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flyingfish
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I edited that post after you responded, but I don’t know if I agree with that. I guess it depends on how you view marriage. I don’t understand what it means for two to become one. Two don’t become one, marriage still consists of 2 people with their own dreams, goals, needs, and desires. Even if you call it 1, in practice it’s still 2 individuals living together.
What does it mean in practice for 2 to become 1? What if you have a conflict, how will you resolve it? If one partner wants to travel to Beijing and the other to stay in the US, what happens? Do you compromise and travel to Greece, that wouldn’t make a lot of sense.
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JimG
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Here is a little exhortation that used to read by the priest to a couple just before they recited their wedding vows.
It is no longer used, and I’m afraid that perhaps that is because no one would take it seriously any more. One of the key paragraphs is this:
“And so you begin your married life by the voluntary and complete surrender of your individual lives in the interest of that deeper and wider life which you are to have in common. Henceforth you belong entirely to each other; you will be one in mind, one in heart, and one in affections. And whatever sacrifices you may hereafter be required to make to preserve this common life, always make them generously.”
But read the entire thing. It’s short and worth reading. Many of an older generation will probably recognize it.
nd.edu/~afreddos/marriageinstruction.htm
It is no longer used, and I’m afraid that perhaps that is because no one would take it seriously any more. One of the key paragraphs is this:
“And so you begin your married life by the voluntary and complete surrender of your individual lives in the interest of that deeper and wider life which you are to have in common. Henceforth you belong entirely to each other; you will be one in mind, one in heart, and one in affections. And whatever sacrifices you may hereafter be required to make to preserve this common life, always make them generously.”
But read the entire thing. It’s short and worth reading. Many of an older generation will probably recognize it.
nd.edu/~afreddos/marriageinstruction.htm
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flyingfish
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I see what you’re saying, I guess personally I wouldn’t be interested in this kind of a marriage. I would be willing to make some sacrifices, but I wouldn’t see a point in marrying if the sacrifices required would harm my life more than the marriage benefited it.
I can think of many things that I would never sacrifice for a marriage.
I wonder if people were truly different in the past, or if it was that women simply had no choice other than to do as their husbands wished.
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mjs1987
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In the past, marriages were not about “love”. In fact, in the bible St Paul uses the Greek agape for marriage love which is different and does not imply emotional love like from eros and storge love, which are the two common types of love in the past 50-100 years. In fact, it is a very American thing. Europeans rarely marry at all anymore and most of the rest of the world marriages are contracts with a business transaction or are a marriage of necessity. Marriages built around love and sexual feelings do not last very long because these feelings do not last forever in a marriage. When the feelings go away and couples need to work out real life problems, they find out this pairing isnt the best for both of them and divorce. Often times people make the same mistake several times and that is why we have people marrying and re-marrying a ridiculous amount of times. Marriages that last are built around more than just feelings and sex and this requires sacrifice. If you cant sacrifice you will never have a marriage that will function well and you better not ever have children if you cant sacrifice because they will require tons of sacrifices. The biggest sacrifices in a marriage are the kids followed by finances. You will both never agree all or most of the time on a lot of things and this means one side will have to give in or the marriage fails. In past generations, the women made most of the sacrifices in terms of decision making and money management and this led to healthier marriages in terms of longevity and probably happiness as well. In the bible, Jesus said that you cannot serve two masters and love both. If one or both in a marriage has a job and has to answer to the other spouse in all the things that they do, one starts to become more important and loving than the other. This is why the marriages that succeed have one clear leader that makes the decisions and the rest follow the leader. The happiest marriages are like this as well. Isnt it like this in all parts of life? Look at Congress! Unless there is an unquestioned leader in the White House or as leader of the majority party, nothing ever gets done! It happens so rarely that we remember the name of such Presidents and forget the majority that were not like this. We try to run marriage like a partnership or alliance instead of the way it was designed. Partnerships and alliances fail frequently and often times have long periods of distrust and non-communication. People do not like the idea of submission and subsidiarity but this is the only way marriage can really work most of the time. Look at the business world. Many mergers fail or one becomes more dominant than the other. Likewise, marriages succeed either when one is stronger and a leader or the two are tied down by finances or kids. Otherwise, marriages are bound to fail since two leaders vying for power will struggle for dominance. This is simply human nature.
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