Telling a friend that I like her as more than friends

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LotusCarsLtd

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There is a particular friend of mine at school who I’ve known for a good while. Since May of '09 I have found myself attracted to her and can’t seem to get myself to “get over her”.

I made the mistake initially of trying to date her before I got to know her better. What had happened was that I asked her out for coffee the summer of '09, she upgraded to dinner, it went well, and when I asked her out again she said that “she wasn’t feeling it” and that “the timing wasn’t right” (keep in mind that this happened in July and she had broken-up with her serious boyfriend of one-and-a-half years back at Easter…they went as far as to talk about marriage).

I have been going mostly to a mutual friend of ours for advice on this girl since I didn’t yet want to come-out to this girl about how I felt about her. His advice was that I should get-over this girl because he considered the chances of us dating unlikely, not only because she probably didn’t like me romantically but also because of things going on in her own life that would make dating hard.

Nonetheless I didn’t get over the girl and I still like her both romantically and simply as a friend. I finally feel that I want to tell her once and for all how I feel, get it off my chest, and finally settle this thing with her. If she doesn’t like me then we remain friends. If she does like me (which I consider an unlikely scenario) then we take things to the next level.

The ultimate question, though, is: should I even tell her how I feel? I was initially afraid to do so out of fear it would ruin our friendship since I like having her as a friend. But our mutual friend said that she’s not the type of girl who would be weirded-out by this and never speak to me again (which I agree). We’re close and we all have the same mutual friends, so the whole “I’m never talking to you again” thing would not work even if she was like that.

What are your thoughts? What should I do or not do?
 
LotusCarsLtd said:
I have been going mostly to a mutual friend of ours for advice on this girl since I didn’t yet want to come-out to this girl about how I felt about her. His advice was that I should get-over this girl because he considered the chances of us dating unlikely, not only because she probably didn’t like me romantically but also because of things going on in her own life that would make dating hard.
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I should also stress that I cannot tell if she likes me or not. Sometimes it seems like she’s interested, other times not. I’ve been told she tends to have the type of personality where she attracts guys to her (and who are led to think she likes them) even though this is her personality and not genuine romantic attraction to the guy on her part.
 
The best way to tell a girl you like her is face-to-face in a non-threatening way. Basically, find a laid back environment where nothing is expected either way. Wait until you are at a function you both enjoy (maybe a group of your friends and her go to a movie, at church or some other location like that) and ask her for a short walk. Be open and honest about your feelings, but don’t say anything that comes off as too needy. Things like “I have obsessed over you” or “I need you” are bad ideas. Just state your feelings honestly, and cooly. Something along the lines of “You are one of the best friends I have, and I love hanging out with you. Lately, though, I have had feelings for you beyond that of a friend. I really think we have what it takes to make it as a couple, and I want to see if we can. If you feel the same way, maybe we could go on a date or two and just see how things go?”

Women love to be pursued, but until you know her feelings, go slow! Because of the friend zone thing, if she is interested, ease in slowly. Once you’ve got her, romance the heck out of her! Now for the hard part.

If she is not interested, your friendship rests solely with you, unless she is the easily weirded out kind. I’m guessing not since you tried to date her once before. If she says no, and it will break your heart completely, your friendship may be over. In this case, it may be better to just stay friends and try to get over her on your own or wait until you are more certain of her feelings. If you think you can handle the rejection, then GO FOR IT!! 🙂 If she does turn you down, just move on with your friendship.

I hate to admit it, but for some reason a lot of the male friends I had when I was single developed feelings for me. I think it’s because I’m a nerdy gamer chick that loves a good sci-fi or action flick. Whatever the reason, I turned down a few of them. I made sure they knew I wanted to continue a friendship and they did also. I remain friends with most of them to this day. I wish you the best in this! Keep us posted! 👍
 
I’ve got to say I like Whitacre’s suggestion. I hesitated to post because I don’t have the kind of experience that would be useful (other than experience of things not working out in this regard). Basically, I would say that naturalcy is good, but from our standpoint, I think we have to pray and do our best. There’s that old Polish saying that, “man fires, Lord God carries the bullets” (in the sense you never know who dies in the battle, but there was more to it). Some things are beyond our control.

Women like men who are natural, confident and brave. Individual tastes differ and generalising makes no good point. At any rate, one’s got to get over the fear of rejection or learn to act despite it if one is to accomplish anything. Going through the same at the moment, actually.
 
UPDATE!

So I asked the girl and she ultimately said she wasn’t interested in me like that. But the good news is that we had a very open conversation with each other about dating for a good 30 minutes after I made my inquiry. I feel alright now but I know I’ll probably get depressed at some point. I just hope I eventually find my wife :o
 
Good job talking to her about it, dude. I wish more guys were like that. :rolleyes: Don’t get depressed - please. Last I checked there were about 3 bil. women in the world, and many of them are available. 😛
 
dakotagirl said:
Good job talking to her about it, dude. I wish more guys were like that. :rolleyes: Don’t get depressed - please. Last I checked there were about 3 bil. women in the world, and many of them are available. 😛
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Eh true. The depression is now setting in but I knew it would come. But it’s not because she turned me down, it’s just these feelings of loneliness and emptiness. Wonder what they mean…
 
LotusCarsLtd said:
Eh true. The depression is now setting in but I knew it would come. But it’s not because she turned me down, it’s just these feelings of loneliness and emptiness. Wonder what they mean…
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I know those feelings well. It’s like two annoying mosquitos that keep buzzing in my ear. And with Valentine’s Day (WORST HOLIDAY EVER) coming up, it makes sense it will get worse. It would be wrong of me to say that a good stiff drink would help, they do it all the time on “Mad Men”. 😛 And for some weird reason, sushi helps as well. 😃
 
LotusCarsLtd said:
Eh true. The depression is now setting in but I knew it would come. But it’s not because she turned me down, it’s just these feelings of loneliness and emptiness. Wonder what they mean…
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Yeah it’s a sucky feeling alright. It goes away after a while though. Trust me I know. :o
 
LotusCarsLtd said:
Eh true. The depression is now setting in but I knew it would come. But it’s not because she turned me down, it’s just these feelings of loneliness and emptiness. Wonder what they mean…
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Hm. I’m not sure if you mean “depression” depression or depression depression. But if it is something that you have come to expect, then maybe a good dr. can help with that, ya know? I’m sorry you are feeling down. When I am in that situation I just try to remember what a great catch I actually am. So for you, try to keep in mind that you are an awesome specimen. 😉 😃
 
CountrySinger said:
I know those feelings well. It’s like two annoying mosquitos that keep buzzing in my ear. And with Valentine’s Day (WORST HOLIDAY EVER) coming up, it makes sense it will get worse. It would be wrong of me to say that a good stiff drink would help, they do it all the time on “Mad Men”. 😛 And for some weird reason, sushi helps as well. 😃
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Hahaha… “Mad Men” - I read an article for men on how to be more like them. :rolleyes: Need I say more? Actually, I won’t say more, ‘cause although I adore derailing LotusCars’ threads, I shall try to resist the temptation this time.
 
dakotagirl said:
Hm. I’m not sure if you mean “depression” depression or depression depression. But if it is something that you have come to expect, then maybe a good dr. can help with that, ya know? I’m sorry you are feeling down. When I am in that situation I just try to remember what a great catch I actually am. So for you, try to keep in mind that you are an awesome specimen. 😉 😃
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True. It’s hard, as I said to my friend, to be happy when you see other happy couples and wonder what you’ve done wrong or what’s wrong with you, etc. Although I do realize that I will eventually find my wife :o
 
LotusCarsLtd said:
How so? I think it shows confidence.
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A lot of guys make the same mistake but it just doesn’t work. There are the rare exceptions, but generally it just kills any attraction that may have been there and makes you look needy/desperate.
 
exoflare said:
A lot of guys make the same mistake but it just doesn’t work. There are the rare exceptions, but generally it just kills any attraction that may have been there and makes you look needy/desperate.
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To be honest my chances were nil anyway, but it was nice for the closure.

But if this is the wrong way to do it then how does one figure out if a girl likes you or not? It’s difficult to tell.
 
In my experience, girls will usually give you a lot of obvious signs when they like you. If you are uncertain at all then most likely there’s nothing there… however that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t bother with a girl unless she’s giving you really obvious signs. It’s just much more effective to escalate gradually from talking to playful teasing, light flirting, etc, while gauging her level of receptivity and adjusting accordingly.

It’s funny, the only girls who have ever been attracted to me before were the ones that I had no feelings for initially because I wasn’t afraid to be myself around them and didn’t care about the outcome. The times I shot myself in the foot were the times I just came right out and said “I like you”.
 
exoflare said:
In my experience, girls will usually give you a lot of obvious signs when they like you. If you are uncertain at all then most likely there’s nothing there… however that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t bother with a girl unless she’s giving you really obvious signs. It’s just much more effective to escalate gradually from talking to playful teasing, light flirting, etc, while gauging her level of receptivity and adjusting accordingly.

It’s funny, the only girls who have ever been attracted to me before were the ones that I had no feelings for initially because I wasn’t afraid to be myself around them and didn’t care about the outcome. The times I shot myself in the foot were the times I just came right out and said “I like you”.
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But I have the added problem of having no experience in dating and thus no ability (or so I feel) of being able to tell when a girl likes me or not.
 
It’s more an art than a science. What helps more than anything is to just get yourself into as many social situations as possible and gaining experience just being comfortable around girls in general. The fact that you’re so insecure about it right now (I don’t mean that as a put-down) is probably giving off an unconscious vibe whether you’re aware of it or not, and putting women a bit more on the defensive than they would normally be. This is generally what happens to guys when they don’t have a lot of experience around women and it does take a while to overcome it. Just focus on getting to know and interact with as many girls as you can for now and don’t worry so much about the outcome with any particular one.
 
Hahaha, you boys are so silly! (I mean that in a nice, sisterly way, of course ;)) Exoflare is right about getting comfortable in social situations. I would also like to stress how incredibly important it is to be yourself, as much as you possibly can. By this I mean the best, holiest, version of yourself. There is something rich and undeniably attractive about a person who is himself. You want a person to fall in love with the real you, and you don’t want someone who only likes the false you. (Hahaha - my sister, who is a complete Amazon, says that men who ooze charm out their pores turn her off, because they are probably not that way all the time :p). Best of luck, dear. 🙂
 
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