Telling parents about having SSA

[Vic_Taltrees_UK]

Randomuser, “homosexual” other than as an action is a Freudian invention and prurience is a Freudian-Buchmanite innovation.

The term “SSA” doesn’t come from the Church, it comes from the people who know it. It can be desexualised.

Agapewolf, SSA isn’t a “disordered struggle” if it’s not sexualised.

 

[Xantippe]

I agree that SSA is pretty opaque, but “same sex attraction” is pretty clear and descriptive.

As the OP and I were discussing previously, the heterosexual/homosexual binary doesn’t really apply to sexuality for a lot of women, so I think that “same sex attraction” is probably more informative in that case.

Which is why it’s terribly confusing to use the term “SSA” when it would be all the more simpler to use the term “homosexual,” which is the SOMETHING nobody wants to mention. And so, the parents hear the term “SSA,” which makes them all the more confused because heterosexuals aren’t attracted to same-sex people, homosexuals are, yet it’s somehow “bad” or “wrong” to ever say the word “homosexual,” and so the word “homosexual” never gets mentioned, which is the exact same word mentioned in the Catechism, but there has been an uphill battle to replace the term with the term “SSA.”

By process of elimination, if someone isn’t a heterosexual (opposite sex attraction), then the person would be homosexual (same sex attraction.) That’s why we have the English language, and a vocabulary of words to use to describe same sex attraction. Abbreviating it into “SSA” doesn’t make it go away: it’s still homosexuality.

 

[Xantippe]

I suggest you do some research about why your family did those things to you. They deprived you of the opportunity to pray for your mother and to ask God to look after you. They deprived you of the opportunity to celebrate and give thanks for your other family member. They didn’t think you a worthwhile human being to communicate to your face. These are concretes. If you unearth how it all came about I guarantee you will be shocked to the core.

I don’t know (and will probably never know), but here are my working theories:

–We are a WASP family, so not telling people things is our ethnic style.
–My mom got into a certain kind of communication style with us when we were little (not sharing uncomfortable facts) and kept doing it, even when it was no longer appropriate or helpful.
–I have a diagnosed autism spectrum daughter and I have come to believe that there’s a lot of undiagnosed autism in my family, including my parents. My parents are not socially gifted people.

 

[EasterJoy]

I don’t know (and will probably never know), but here are my working theories:

–We are a WASP family, so not telling people things is our ethnic style.
–My mom got into a certain kind of communication style with us when we were little (not sharing uncomfortable facts) and kept doing it, even when it was no longer appropriate or helpful.
–I have a diagnosed autism spectrum daughter and I have come to believe that there’s a lot of undiagnosed autism in my family, including my parents. My parents are not socially gifted people.

I read an author once who believes that the words “family” and “secret” are practically synonymous.

 

[agapewolf]

Randomuser, “homosexual” other than as an action is a Freudian invention and prurience is a Freudian-Buchmanite innovation.

The term “SSA” doesn’t come from the Church, it comes from the people who know it. It can be desexualised.

Agapewolf, SSA isn’t a “disordered struggle” if it’s not sexualised.

What do you mean by “sexualized”?

having an attraction to the same sex, implied by “same sex attraction” is disordered.

It is not in the right order, or ordered.

 

[bobballen_18]

Namely,

• chastity

as per Jesus and the Apostles.

As Easter Joy put it, if one were to actually “spend more than two minutes learning about” the experiences of those with SSA, one would realize that “be chaste!” is NOT sufficient help. Lol. Obviously chastity is important, but that does not address the whole problem. You’re telling me to “desexualize my attractions” - well, by saying “be chaste” aren’t you just assuming that my only struggles related to SSA are only sexual? Think about it.

With regards to “desexualizing my attractions” - obviously, that is the goal, and that’s actually good general advice…but I promise you…it’s easier said than done! That’s what part of my journey with SSA is going to involve - developing good friendships with both men and women. What people with SSA need is help with, or at the very least support in the process of it, is making those good friendships. In my opinion, family is a good place to start with that support.

 

[EasterJoy]

As Easter Joy put it, if one were to actually “spend more than two minutes learning about” the experiences of those with SSA, one would realize that “be chaste!” is NOT sufficient help. Lol. Obviously chastity is important, but that does not address the whole problem. You’re telling me to “desexualize my attractions” - well, by saying “be chaste” aren’t you just assuming that my only struggles related to SSA are only sexual? Think about it.

With regards to “desexualizing my attractions” - obviously, that is the goal, and that’s actually good general advice…but I promise you…it’s easier said than done! That’s what part of my journey with SSA is going to involve - developing good friendships with both men and women. What people with SSA need is help with, or at the very least support in the process of it, is making those good friendships. In my opinion, family is a good place to start with that support.

People are also on a continuum when it comes to their awareness of the sexuality of others. Some people have a lot of social awareness, some have a lot of awareness of their physical surroundings, some have an awareness of how things work and are working, and others have an awareness of the sexuality of others. I would say that most of us are tuned in to a limited area and more or less oblivious in some others.

You can teach an engineer to keep his hands off of things that need fixing that are not his to tinker with, but it is another thing entirely to keep him from noticing that someone else’s car is running rough, that their dishwasher is fantastically quiet, or that some invention or other is particularly elegant or clever. Your experience may have a lot of that kind of issue bound up in it. It isn’t just a matter of SSA, then; the way you experience it is particular to you.

Remember that some people cannot make a meal for a chef without being stressed out about it. Likewise, other people will not be able to make themselves comfortable around someone whose sexual attractions are different than their own, either in type or intensity. I should not say “cannot,” because we can learn self-mastery, but you know what I mean, I hope. You will find that sometimes people are not strong in ways that you really could have used some strength. Hang in there, and try to see this as part and parcel of the human condition, rather than something unique to the experience you are having.

 

[Rau]

Namely,

• chastity

as per Jesus and the Apostles.

The Church uses that language - it is however non-specific. The Church enumerates in its teachings many wrong acts which are each variations of acts with identical moral species. Would you propose winding all that back to a sentence about chastity?

The Chuch acknowledges the reality of SSA, something real, powerful and afflicting relatively few, out of compassion and respect for those so afflicted. Persons may make a choice to act on it (which is wrong), but the SSA sufferer experiences something unusual and unchosen, which is contrary to his body (and thus perplexing), which society has chosen to treat as a good thing and as having “fundamental” implications for family, marriage and the begetting and raising of children. This cannot all be faced in a meaningful way merely by referencing “chastity”.

 

[Vic_Taltrees_UK]

What do you mean by “sexualized”?

having an attraction to the same sex, implied by “same sex attraction” is disordered.

It is not in the right order, or ordered.

Attraction means attraction as Xantippe also says in 82. See also 81.

 

[Vic_Taltrees_UK]

As Easter Joy put it, if one were to actually “spend more than two minutes learning about” the experiences of those with SSA, one would realize that “be chaste!” is NOT sufficient help. Lol. Obviously chastity is important, but that does not address the whole problem. You’re telling me to “desexualize my attractions” - well, by saying “be chaste” aren’t you just assuming that my only struggles related to SSA are only sexual? Think about it.

With regards to “desexualizing my attractions” - obviously, that is the goal, and that’s actually good general advice…but I promise you…it’s easier said than done! That’s what part of my journey with SSA is going to involve - developing good friendships with both men and women. What people with SSA need is help with, or at the very least support in the process of it, is making those good friendships. In my opinion, family is a good place to start with that support.

My response was to your reference to church language on sex, changing or not.

Do you think the Church ought to have teaching on friendship and befriending? It strikes me the NT is chockabloc with it from start to finish and there are not a few cautionary examples in the OT too. They will know He sent us by our love for each other, not for strangers. How much do we hear that from church bureaucrats?

Now I see where you would be going with your chat with your parents it is completely different! You are confident they can throw you in with good company!

 

[Rau]

…They will know He sent us by our love for each other, not for strangers. How much do we hear that from church bureaucrats?:

you’ve lost me Vic. The man lying on the road, and the Good Samaritan were strangers. Was his love misplaced?

 

[bobballen_18]

Thank you all very much for the prayers. The conversation with my parents went quite well. In any case, I believe, just as I did before telling them, that it is better for us in the long run that I did tell them. If you have just a moment for further prayer, please say a quick one for my continued improvement in this situation, and that my parents (and I) can resolve any further questions we may have for each other because of this. Most importantly, that God’s will be done in the whole matter. Again, thank you all so much!

 

[Xantippe]

Thank you all very much for the prayers. The conversation with my parents went quite well. In any case, I believe, just as I did before telling them, that it is better for us in the long run that I did tell them. If you have just a moment for further prayer, please say a quick one for my continued improvement in this situation, and that my parents (and I) can resolve any further questions we may have for each other because of this. Most importantly, that God’s will be done in the whole matter. Again, thank you all so much!

Thank goodness!

Have a blessed rest-of-Advent!

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Thank you all very much for the prayers. The conversation with my parents went quite well. In any case, I believe, just as I did before telling them, that it is better for us in the long run that I did tell them. If you have just a moment for further prayer, please say a quick one for my continued improvement in this situation, and that my parents (and I) can resolve any further questions we may have for each other because of this. Most importantly, that God’s will be done in the whole matter. Again, thank you all so much!

That is great. The way you are handling this in an exemplamentary manner.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

Thank you all very much for the prayers. The conversation with my parents went quite well. In any case, I believe, just as I did before telling them, that it is better for us in the long run that I did tell them. If you have just a moment for further prayer, please say a quick one for my continued improvement in this situation, and that my parents (and I) can resolve any further questions we may have for each other because of this. Most importantly, that God’s will be done in the whole matter. Again, thank you all so much!

I’m glad to hear it! Continued prayers for all of your intentions.

 

[EasterJoy]

Not a surprise, but very good news! This must be a weight off of your shoulders.
Have a blessed Advent and a merry Christmas!

 

[Gertabelle]

Thank you all very much for the prayers. The conversation with my parents went quite well. In any case, I believe, just as I did before telling them, that it is better for us in the long run that I did tell them. If you have just a moment for further prayer, please say a quick one for my continued improvement in this situation, and that my parents (and I) can resolve any further questions we may have for each other because of this. Most importantly, that God’s will be done in the whole matter. Again, thank you all so much!

Thanks be to God!

You will remain in my prayers, dear one, for a long time to come.

 

[1990Domer]

Nowhere have I remotely advocated Charles do anything of the sort so please don’t imply I have!

You’ve got to distinguish what is concrete from what is not concrete!

I wouldn’t be certain Charles’ mum is like this but some posters here obviously are: their sons have CHEATED them of the daughters-in-law THEY have UNFAILINGLY promised THEMSEVLES.

If grown up sons don’t happen to bring home the girlfriends, they don’t happen to bring home the girlfriends. That’s not a concrete. No-one has been cheated AT ALL. They don’t owe anyone an urgent psychological analysis of that. Charles should be finding friends who are peers to chit chat that over with if he feels like it. What mother in her right mind wouldn’t want her son to have lots of good enough friends?

There might not be a big generation gap and Charles’ parents might be quite “young fogeys” themselves. In a thread with strangers, naturally we supply ideas to help fellow posters double check, in case for example the parents are of a young enough generation not to realise it is merely “trendy” to gut spill about nothing and not normal. Used2BeSherryG said this in post 10 and lots of others have said it. Gardens with kids says (Dec 15th at 1006 p.m) “when information is out you can’t put it back”. Well your image of Charles might think it is “information”. But is it really? There will be plenty of time in 20 years time to say, “well I didn’t happen to fancy any of the women that much” or something casual like that. Well my mum wasn’t stupid either. My mum didn’t need me to tell her that, ever. I’ve still got all my doors open and my life ahead of me, and the world is still my oyster. Now that my late Mum from her new vantage point knows what I know, she is doubtless more pleased for me than ever. Whilst “orientation” might be a handy pointer - temporary or permanent - in a seminary context (in connection with maturity), overall the John Paul II Army of sex maniacs have given it far too much profile in a day-to-day context.

I suggest you do some research about why your family did those things to you. They deprived you of the opportunity to pray for your mother and to ask God to look after you. They deprived you of the opportunity to celebrate and give thanks for your other family member. They didn’t think you a worthwhile human being to communicate to your face. These are concretes. If you unearth how it all came about I guarantee you will be shocked to the core. Most people have got lots of blood curdling things in their background. God has looked mega well after most of us. It wasn’t Harold Macmillan and it wasn’t Bill Clinton. It was God.

Just about all of what I’m going to tell below I have told already in previous threads. I’m going to continue this in the next post.

My cousin is, oh, about 42 years old–my son’s Godfather. He has told nobody about his sexual inclinations. He is a successful eye doctor and professor. He has plain and simply said that he aspires to have live life chastely as a single man. He is very close to the Church and nobody in our family has any doubt. I am sure there are some tongues that wag, but none around me at least.

I think there is too much interest in what someone’s “sexual taste” is. An (rather famous) actor friend of mine was pegged as gay because he rather reclusive and didn’t talk about his personal life in front of all the cameras. He did a brilliant job of keeping his girlfriend, now wife, and now family away from the TV cameras.

Social media has had more unintended consequences, as I have seen it wreck so many families and friendships. It seems that people need to tell and people need to know everything immediately. My friend is glued to her cell phone, even when I eat with her. She has all these new Facebook push messages sent to her smart phone, which she constantly glances at. It’s annoying. Personally, I wish we could rewind to the 80’s when life seemed simpler and the movies/music/TV shows were a heck of a lot better. I can dream.

 

[Vic_Taltrees_UK]

you’ve lost me Vic. The man lying on the road, and the Good Samaritan were strangers. Was his love misplaced?

Those who went by the other side - when they were well clued up - were of his own people. Their love would not have been misplaced.

Jesus is giving a case where the man was loved by the outsider.

 

[Vic_Taltrees_UK]

Thank you all very much for the prayers. The conversation with my parents went quite well. In any case, I believe, just as I did before telling them, that it is better for us in the long run that I did tell them. If you have just a moment for further prayer, please say a quick one for my continued improvement in this situation, and that my parents (and I) can resolve any further questions we may have for each other because of this. Most importantly, that God’s will be done in the whole matter. Again, thank you all so much!

Shall do.

Main thing is, becoming a priest gives one a profile. And some seminaries used to not specifically foster personal growth as much as others. Best have plenty of time for growth in one’s chosen space with one’s chosen family and friends.