Telling parents about having SSA

[bobballen_18]

Hello people,

I had considered posting this in the Traditional Catholicism sub-forum because my parents are traditional Catholics and I get the feeling they would be the type to frequent that sub-forum; but this didn’t seem like it fit in that forum. Anyway, while I am interested in any responses, I am looking especially for responses from traditional (I hate to use that label but hopefully people will get what I mean) Catholics who might more mirror the response of my parents. Traditional in the sense of, does a lot of traditional devotions, loves the Latin (EF) Mass, loves the Church and all her teachings, those types of things.

I plan to open up to my parents about having same-sex attraction (SSA) when I go home on Thursday. Actually the visit is specifically to tell them this; it’s not something I want to say over phone, e-mail, or text, and so I am coming home specifically to tell them face to face (I live about 95 minutes from my parents).

They already know I going to therapy/counselling, and they already know that I’ve been told by a vocations director (whom I did not tell about having SSA) that I should not apply for priesthood (yet, at least) because, I have “some sort of nervous temperament”. So I’m pretty much just going to elaborate on those and tell them about my experience leading me to believe SSA is the motivating factor behind those things. I am (finally) telling them because I need their support/love and I am like 99.9% sure that, though they might be a little disturbed, they will not overall have a negative reaction towards me. I do not plan to go too far into depth with them right away; and what I say to them past the first few moments will depend pretty heavily on their immediate reaction.

FYI - I’m 24 years old, and no, I have never had a boyfriend/committed homosexual acts; yes, I’m committed to the Church’s teachings on sexuality, and I will be reassuring them about these two points.

With all of this being said, I’m posting basically to ask how you all would react if your son came to you with this information (and a week before Christmas…haha). What do you think you would say? I realize that you only have the information about myself that I’ve posted here, but I’m just curious how you think you all would react. Feel free to be completely honest, and if you care to, I’d be interested to know your general age range. My parents are in the 55-60 age range. And also I’m very interested if any of you have personally had a son disclose his SSA to you.

Also, I guess this post has a dual purpose - if you see this post, please say a prayer for me and my parents, that I may say what I need to say and that my parents are able to react in the way I need them to react; and that overall, of course, God’s will be done!

Thank you all and I’m sorry if this is a weird post. I just thought it might be interesting discussion, and it could be good/interesting for both myself and others.

 

[underacloud]

FYI - I’m 24 years old, and no, I have never had a boyfriend/committed homosexual acts; yes, I’m committed to the Church’s teachings on sexuality, and I will be reassuring them about these two points.

You came to this about half way through your post. When you tell your parents, I’d suggest you say it up front…as in before you mention SSA.

If my son came to me and said he had SSA - my mind would race ahead of itself to conclude he was gay, was going to abandon the faith and live an impure lifestyle, etc. If I were you I’d nip those sorts of extreme and reactionary thoughts in the bud right away.

I’m sure your parents will be concerned about how difficult this will be for you and I hope, and yes pray, that you can work through this together. It is a heavy burden and I hope in sharing it you will find it lighter.

 

[Mummsie]

I agree with underacloud. As soon as you tell them you have SSA, reassure them with your beliefs.

My immediate reaction would be sadness. Then some guilt (what did I do wrong, why didn’t I see this). Hopefully, I could then go on to asking you questions. Are you sure? Could you be bi-sexual? Have you talked to a priest? Who have you discussed this with? Are you ready for a life of celibacy? After we get the major discussion out of the way, hopefully, I would ask what do you need from me?

This kind of news would take some time to digest. Further questions might be necessary later.

For the record I am 67, with 3 children, married 46 years.

I would suggest praying to the Holy Spirit to give you the right words. Also, a short prayer before you start, God, thy will be done.

Saying a prayer for you and your parents.

God Bless you.

 

[Viki63]

Hello,
I admire you for your determination to live a chaste life, and will pray that you succeed.
If my child (I have 5, and am your parents’ age) came and said he had SSA, I would be sad for him, but would support him as much as possible. The great fear that a Catholic parent would have is that their child would choose a sinful lifestyle, and you are able to reassure them that isn’t your plan, so that should remove most of the anguish.

My daughter did ask me what I would say if she told me she was gay, kind of sprung it on me over dinner with several of her friends present. After swallowing, I said that I would still love her, of course, but that I thought in her case it would be a premature decision.
I think a lot of young people are misled into thinking they are gay when they are not really, they are basing it on an experience they may have had or peer pressure. I’m not saying this is true in your case, it’s just my opinion that it happens oftener than we realize.
I did not make a big deal out of her announcement. A few weeks later she told me she has a boyfriend, so perhaps she was just trying it on for shock value.
I hope that your parents will react with charity and understanding, and be able to discuss this with you. And I pray that you will keep an open mind yourself. Things change, and you are young to be labelling yourself. I was still working on who I was into my thirties.

.

 

[bobballen_18]

Hello,
I admire you for your determination to live a chaste life, and will pray that you succeed.
If my child (I have 5, and am your parents’ age) came and said he had SSA, I would be sad for him, but would support him as much as possible. The great fear that a Catholic parent would have is that their child would choose a sinful lifestyle, and you are able to reassure them that isn’t your plan, so that should remove most of the anguish.

My daughter did ask me what I would say if she told me she was gay, kind of sprung it on me over dinner with several of her friends present. After swallowing, I said that I would still love her, of course, but that I thought in her case it would be a premature decision.
I think a lot of young people are misled into thinking they are gay when they are not really, they are basing it on an experience they may have had or peer pressure. I’m not saying this is true in your case, it’s just my opinion that it happens oftener than we realize.
I did not make a big deal out of her announcement. A few weeks later she told me she has a boyfriend, so perhaps she was just trying it on for shock value.
I hope that your parents will react with charity and understanding, and be able to discuss this with you. And I pray that you will keep an open mind yourself. Things change, and you are young to be labelling yourself. I was still working on who I was into my thirties.

.

Just to clarify, I absolutely refuse to “label” myself, so anything I end up saying to them will not involve the use of the word “gay”, when speaking of myself at least. I know that technically things can change, and in that sense, I am more than willing to allow God to relieve me of this particular cross if He so desires, but I also am aware that complete change in terms of my predominant sexual attractions seems to be unlikely, based on the experience of even many faithful Catholics/Christians with SSA.

Thank you for your response, and especially your prayers - so much appreciated.

 

[SAVINGRACE]

I’m a new parent (18months) and hanging in there…just What I do know is the love I feel for this tiny human being is unconditional and more powerful than any love I felt prior to her turning up. I don’t know what I would do if she told me she had SSA but it wouldn’t change the love I feel and wouldn’t be condemnation or a cold shoulder.

It would be a shock and my mind would be racing. If as already mentioned you were then to say “I haven’t had any same sex partners. I want to remain in the Church and find a way to serve God” then I would do whatever you requested to help you with your plan for your life.

You are so brave. :hug1: I will pray for you and your parents, that this announcement doesn’t jeopardise your relationship. Be mentally prepared for the worst. Having said that, oftentimes we imagine outcomes to situations to be far worse than what they are in reality and people pleasantly surprise us. Good luck.

 

[Petaro]

Firstly, let me say that you are very brave and no doubt beloved of God. Ofcourse our prayers are with you.
I am 63 and have a twenty year old son. We have secretly worried about what our reaction would be if he came to us with the same issue. We would be scared for him; guilty as to what we could have done “wrong”; hopeful that it was a “stage” in development; all the fairly obvious reactions. We would be very supportive; hiding our real fears that he might fall into the sad under-culture those we have seen who identify with gender issues sometimes retreat to.
One of our friends has a girl who identifies as a boy and who has been adopted by a governmental school counsellor who calls himself Janice and who is being feted by the school in their latest uni-gender toilet facilities. They feel they have lost their daughter to the professionals with agendas that don’t reflect their aspirations for their daughter or their hopes for remedial therapy, or an eventual reorientation of their child’s self identity.
It is very trendy to question one’s gender at the moment.
Be gentle with them and reassure them of your affirmation of your faith. God bless you all.

 

[mommy_k]

You sound like a wonderful son. Your parents will love you no matter what. It will be a surpirse for them, unless they have suspicions, and they may react to the surprise element.

Don’t worry. Be honest and as the other posters said-lead the conversation with the church and your beliefs.

I have children your age as well as younger ones. My grandmother was a Traditional Catholic,-- and I believe that as long as you continue to put God first in your life as well as church teachings- your parents will be ok with it.

Are you staying with them for Christmas?

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

This is exactly how ssa Catholics should behave and I think since your parents and perhaps you are traditional you should emphasize your chastity and fidelity.

However I think it absolutely unwise to do this at christmastime. Many many “coming out” announcements are regretted at this time of the year. You have waited this long, why not wait just a little more and do this at a time that is less emotional like February, where perhaps all parties can take lent to digest this

 

[Used2beSherryG]

As a “mature” woman staring at 70, I have an important question to ask you, BobAllen. You have stated that you are committed to the teachings of God as your personal value system and are a faithful Catholic. You have never participated in disordered sexual behavior. You have no plans to do so in the future. Why, then, burden your parents with information about your sexual attraction issue? It is really puzzling to me. I don’t understand your need to share this with them at all. In all sincerity, unless your parents are therapists, why would you be telling them? I will pray that you are able to carry your cross. May the Lord be with you.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

As a “mature” woman staring at 70, I have an important question to ask you, BobAllen. You have stated that you are committed to the teachings of God as your personal value system and are a faithful Catholic. You have never participated in disordered sexual behavior. You have no plans to do so in the future. Why, then, burden your parents with information about your sexual attraction issue? It is really puzzling to me. I don’t understand your need to share this with them at all. In all sincerity, unless your parents are therapists, why would you be telling them? I will pray that you are able to carry your cross. May the Lord be with you.

Initially I thought “good point”. But perhaps the parents being aware of this cross could help him live out his holy calling. Not to mention cut out the " so when are you going to be married" talk that could be like a knife in the young mans side every time he hears it. While I would not wish a disorder on my own children if my own son was trying to be chaste I would want to help him no matter his age or cross. Now this of course does not apply if he was going to be an active homosexual…

 

[crystal_waters]

As a “mature” woman staring at 70, I have an important question to ask you, BobAllen. You have stated that you are committed to the teachings of God as your personal value system and are a faithful Catholic. You have never participated in disordered sexual behavior. You have no plans to do so in the future. Why, then, burden your parents with information about your sexual attraction issue? It is really puzzling to me. I don’t understand your need to share this with them at all. In all sincerity, unless your parents are therapists, why would you be telling them? I will pray that you are able to carry your cross. May the Lord be with you.

I agree with User2beSherryG

I know this must be causing you anxiety and stress but there really is no need for your parents to know…you haven’t had any relationships or sexual encounters with other males…plus you are wanting to be a priest where you will be living a life of celibacy …before telling them I would weigh up the pros and cons with a priest and see if they think its something your parents should know…you dont want to risk damaging family relationships over ssa attraction that you have never acted upon and aren’t ever intending to act upon…

Keep us updated on what you decide to do and know that whatever you decide to do (tell them or not tell them) you have the support of all of us here at caf .

FYI- I dont have any kids, but if I was a mother and my son or daughter sat me down and told me everything in your post then I would still love them just as much
God bless you

Crystal waters

 

[Xantippe]

This is exactly how ssa Catholics should behave and I think since your parents and perhaps you are traditional you should emphasize your chastity and fidelity.

However I think it absolutely unwise to do this at christmastime. Many many “coming out” announcements are regretted at this time of the year. You have waited this long, why not wait just a little more and do this at a time that is less emotional like February, where perhaps all parties can take lent to digest this

Right.

I was thinking exactly the same thing.

It doesn’t need to be a “Christmas special,” if you know what I mean.

 

[Xantippe]

Initially I thought “good point”. But perhaps the parents being aware of this cross could help him live out his holy calling. Not to mention cut out the " so when are you going to be married" talk that could be like a knife in the young mans side every time he hears it. While I would not wish a disorder on my own children if my own son was trying to be chaste I would want to help him no matter his age or cross. Now this of course does not apply if he was going to be an active homosexual…

Right.

Especially if he doesn’t go to seminary, they are going to eventually start noticing that he isn’t dating women and that he hasn’t married a woman. They’re eventually going to at least wonder. It’s not just the OP who is going to experience emotional strain over keeping this secret indefinitely.

 

[Gertabelle]

Good morning, dear brother in Christ.

I have given this a lot of thought – how would I react if my son told me he had SSA – because I lived as a lesbian for ten years. I would be sad for his suffering and express my unmitigated support for him through prayer, sacrifices, and material needs (such as money for counseling).

First, as others have said, be immediately clear about the facts: You have SSA, your are committed to Church teaching, you are working with a counselor, you need their support.

Second, for some of us, SSA is not a lifelong experience. For me, life’s experiences and hard work with a self-help group (I was outside the Church at the time) healed that which was disordered within me. For full disclosure, I was not trying to get rid of my SSA when it disappeared. I was just working on leadership and integrity, and somehow other things just untangled themselves. God’s grace in action!

Live in hope, dear brother. As someone who has been there, be assured of my prayers, dear one. Get your parents on board with supporting you, and get on with living your life.

God bless you!

 

[Seamus_L]

Over the years I’ve talked to men who admitted that on a number of occasions
they’ve struggled with lustful feelings for the wives and daughters of good
friends, men who never laid a hand on there wives in anger, admitting there
have been numerous times they wanted to clobber there Missus, young mothers who felt the urge to smack the daylights out of there small children, and teens who were dying to punch parents just once. Do we really need to tell people these things outside of the confessional ?

 

[coachdennis]

This is exactly how ssa Catholics should behave and I think since your parents and perhaps you are traditional you should emphasize your chastity and fidelity.

However I think it absolutely unwise to do this at christmastime. Many many “coming out” announcements are regretted at this time of the year. You have waited this long, why not wait just a little more and do this at a time that is less emotional like February, where perhaps all parties can take lent to digest this

I agree. If you do this at Christmastime you will become part of “Christmas 2015” history. In years to come someone will say, “Yes, that’s the year he came out to his parents.”

The holidays have enough intensity, emotion, and drama in the best of families without adding to it.

 

[adamhovey1988]

Hello people,

I had considered posting this in the Traditional Catholicism sub-forum because my parents are traditional Catholics and I get the feeling they would be the type to frequent that sub-forum; but this didn’t seem like it fit in that forum. Anyway, while I am interested in any responses, I am looking especially for responses from traditional (I hate to use that label but hopefully people will get what I mean) Catholics who might more mirror the response of my parents. Traditional in the sense of, does a lot of traditional devotions, loves the Latin (EF) Mass, loves the Church and all her teachings, those types of things.

I plan to open up to my parents about having same-sex attraction (SSA) when I go home on Thursday. Actually the visit is specifically to tell them this; it’s not something I want to say over phone, e-mail, or text, and so I am coming home specifically to tell them face to face (I live about 95 minutes from my parents).

They already know I going to therapy/counselling, and they already know that I’ve been told by a vocations director (whom I did not tell about having SSA) that I should not apply for priesthood (yet, at least) because, I have “some sort of nervous temperament”. So I’m pretty much just going to elaborate on those and tell them about my experience leading me to believe SSA is the motivating factor behind those things. I am (finally) telling them because I need their support/love and I am like 99.9% sure that, though they might be a little disturbed, they will not overall have a negative reaction towards me. I do not plan to go too far into depth with them right away; and what I say to them past the first few moments will depend pretty heavily on their immediate reaction.

FYI - I’m 24 years old, and no, I have never had a boyfriend/committed homosexual acts; yes, I’m committed to the Church’s teachings on sexuality, and I will be reassuring them about these two points.

With all of this being said, I’m posting basically to ask how you all would react if your son came to you with this information (and a week before Christmas…haha). What do you think you would say? I realize that you only have the information about myself that I’ve posted here, but I’m just curious how you think you all would react. Feel free to be completely honest, and if you care to, I’d be interested to know your general age range. My parents are in the 55-60 age range. And also I’m very interested if any of you have personally had a son disclose his SSA to you.

Also, I guess this post has a dual purpose - if you see this post, please say a prayer for me and my parents, that I may say what I need to say and that my parents are able to react in the way I need them to react; and that overall, of course, God’s will be done!

Thank you all and I’m sorry if this is a weird post. I just thought it might be interesting discussion, and it could be good/interesting for both myself and others.

I didn’t come from a particularly religious family, so I jusr said to my mom straight up “I’m bisexual”. Turns out, by the way, I am not. I was just frustrated with women. I am most certainly heterosexual. Your situation is a bit different, but I will say a prayer! God bless!

 

[Gertabelle]

Over the years I’ve talked to men who admitted that on a number of occasions
they’ve struggled with lustful feelings for the wives and daughters of good
friends, men who never laid a hand on there wives in anger, admitting there
have been numerous times they wanted to clobber there Missus, young mothers who felt the urge to smack the daylights out of there small children, and teens who were dying to punch parents just once. Do we really need to tell people these things outside of the confessional ?

SSA is not an occasional feeling. And in the US and many other first-world countries, SSA is celebrated and encouraged. Anyone who is choosing to live by Church teaching will need some trusted family members and/or friends who are “in the know” to support them.

Getting the support of one’s parents is not the same as going on the evening news and announcing one’s struggles to the world.

My two cents’…

 

[Ph0enix]

I hope it goes well, I will be keeping you in my prayers