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randomuser
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“SSA” is translation for: “was never gay to begin with.”
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Polluted
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I would tell him while I don’t accept homosexuality at face value nor the lifestyle, I love him and her and their saftey is my #1 priority depending on their age. Then consider moving somewhere where I wouldn’t have to worry about his/her saftey.
I hate this issue. It’s filled with so many politics and lies on both sides of the issue. So many people want this wall and for folks to pick a side. Even yourself! To say that simply because you have ssa, you are on THAT side of the wall in terms of your sexuality.
Hate to break it to everyone but sexuality isn’t this black and white issue. We live in a fallen world and disordered sex is apart of that…even thou we don’t like it. I have same sex attraction too at times. I’ve never acted on it, but it’s there. I also have banana peel attraction, my hand attraction, underage girl attraction (yes I admit, some girls in their late teens are hot), and so many others. So many people want to label themselves for something as minor as sexual attraction. It’s silly, and as I posted above since the age 12 I have had the desire to stick my Johnson in ALLOT of things, but it doesn’t mean I act on every single impulse I have.
Nobody wants to admit it. So many say “it’s a choice” and yet say they have NEVER in the slightest have had any feelings arise that might even hint at a same sex attraction. No matter how large or small those feelings are. Well let me be the first to say, that even thou I have a child, and have slept with quite a few ladies…if you stuck me in a prison cell long enough I might start to look at my pal Jim in a whole new light
I hate this issue. It’s filled with so many politics and lies on both sides of the issue. So many people want this wall and for folks to pick a side. Even yourself! To say that simply because you have ssa, you are on THAT side of the wall in terms of your sexuality.
Hate to break it to everyone but sexuality isn’t this black and white issue. We live in a fallen world and disordered sex is apart of that…even thou we don’t like it. I have same sex attraction too at times. I’ve never acted on it, but it’s there. I also have banana peel attraction, my hand attraction, underage girl attraction (yes I admit, some girls in their late teens are hot), and so many others. So many people want to label themselves for something as minor as sexual attraction. It’s silly, and as I posted above since the age 12 I have had the desire to stick my Johnson in ALLOT of things, but it doesn’t mean I act on every single impulse I have.
Nobody wants to admit it. So many say “it’s a choice” and yet say they have NEVER in the slightest have had any feelings arise that might even hint at a same sex attraction. No matter how large or small those feelings are. Well let me be the first to say, that even thou I have a child, and have slept with quite a few ladies…if you stuck me in a prison cell long enough I might start to look at my pal Jim in a whole new light
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bobballen_18
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Good grief…lol. FYI I never “labelled” myself - describing a portion of one’s life experiences is not labelling oneself. In many cases, disclosing personal information about oneself, especially one that has affected one’s life in a pretty big way, can be a very freeing experience and opens up the door for more intimate support.I would tell him while I don’t accept homosexuality at face value nor the lifestyle, I love him and her and their saftey is my #1 priority depending on their age. Then consider moving somewhere where I wouldn’t have to worry about his/her saftey.
I hate this issue. It’s filled with so many politics and lies on both sides of the issue. So many people want this wall and for folks to pick a side. Even yourself! To say that simply because you have ssa, you are on THAT side of the wall in terms of your sexuality.
Hate to break it to everyone but sexuality isn’t this black and white issue. We live in a fallen world and disordered sex is apart of that…even thou we don’t like it. I have same sex attraction too at times. I’ve never acted on it, but it’s there. I also have banana peel attraction, my hand attraction, underage girl attraction (yes I admit, some girls in their late teens are hot), and so many others. So many people want to label themselves for something as minor as sexual attraction. It’s silly, and as I posted above since the age 12 I have had the desire to stick my Johnson in ALLOT of things, but it doesn’t mean I act on every single impulse I have.
Nobody wants to admit it. So many say “it’s a choice” and yet say they have NEVER in the slightest have had any feelings arise that might even hint at a same sex attraction. No matter how large or small those feelings are. Well let me be the first to say, that even thou I have a child, and have slept with quite a few ladies…if you stuck me in a prison cell long enough I might start to look at my pal Jim in a whole new light
Also, your comment “so many people want to label themselves for something as minor as sexual attraction” - you’re right of course that no one should label themselves by their sexual attraction, and as I stated above, I have not done that. However, sexuality is not a “minor” part of one’s life - is a huuuge component of one’s life; after all, sexuality is such a powerful part of humanity that its misuse has caused a lot of chaos in our society, developing over the past few decades.
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bobballen_18
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Not quite sure what you’re trying to say here…you’re definitely right that I have never been “gay” (no one is gay) but I get the feeling that’s not what you’re saying.
I am of the belief that no one ought to call oneself “gay” (or the other LGBTQ terms), especially not a faithful Catholic.
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bobballen_18
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Thanks for that answer Gertabelle…Seamus L, your examples are rather extreme…lol. I am not making a “confession” to my parents - perhaps it would be different if I had been living in a sinful relationship, but the purpose of this is to share with my parents some of my problems (not necessarily my sins) so that I can have them as part of my “support team”, so to speak.
I am far from being a “gay activist” or “gay rights” person, despite my having SSA - but one thing I really dislike with which they would probably agree with me on is, one should not feel obligated to keep having SSA a secret. Perhaps only those who have it can completely understand, but it is a huge burden, primarily because such people often feel very lonely and isolated precisely because they are afraid of not being understood, not being accepted, or being rejected. (I speak with personal experience on that obviously.
) For this reason, I think that for most people with SSA, it will be best not to go around shouting to the world that one struggles with their sexuality in this way, but to disclose this information to trusted friends so that they have some people on whom they can rely for intimate support. And for me, I believe my parents will be two such people. Ideally all family members would be such people.
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gardenswithkids
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The question I had as I read this thread is–why share this burden with your parents? Do you realize that most humans who are past puberty face attractions to people who are not their spouses? Would you want your dad sharing with you whom he’s sexually attracted to? It’s safe to guess he’s occassionally sexually attracted to people who aren’t your mom, but he probably doesn’t burden your family with that information.…I really dislike with which they would probably agree with me on is, one should not feel obligated to keep having SSA a secret. Perhaps only those who have it can completely understand, but it is a huge burden, primarily because such people often feel very lonely and isolated precisely because they are afraid of not being understood, not being accepted, or being rejected. (I speak with personal experience on that obviously.
We truly live in the “information age”, and people often share TMI. You are tempted by sexual activities that aren’t chaste, and that’s not new or unusual. What is new and unusual is the need to declare sexual preferences to the world.
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bobballen_18
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A) To tell parents is not “to declare sexual preferences to the world”. As it currently stands, I have told only three people face to face about this, one of those being my therapist, and I am sure I’m not going to tell that many more people outside of my family.
B) I have touched on the “why” I want to share with my parents a couple times now. But most importantly, in the very post which you quoted of mine, I just stated my belief that one of the most harmful ideas which are directed towards those with SSA is that they need to keep it shut regarding their struggles. I think you’re right that there are some aspects in which our society today is in an TMI age. But I emphatically disagree with the idea that one needs to “keep it shut” with regards to SSA. It is a fact that more often than not (I’d argue in most cases) those with SSA feel isolated and lonely, and “keeping it shut” is not going to solve anything.
C) Our society as a whole, even amongst Catholics, really struggles to form authentic friendships, and even struggles in forming intimate family relationships. I want to emphasize that I don’t necessarily think that one must “confess one’s sins” to a person in order to have an intimate friendship. Particularly with men, it is deemed as “weak” to be vulnerable and to let someone know that one is struggling with anything at all, or to show emotions is also seen as “weak” in many instances. I would argue that this is precisely one thing which causes especially men with SSA to feel so isolated and lonely - the fact that they feel like they do not “fit in” with what is perceived in our society to be “masculine”.
D) I believe that family should ideally be #1 in terms of who one goes to for support when struggling with something. And again, to emphasize, I don’t mean spilling out one’s worst sins. I am not telling my parents my sins by telling them I have SSA - this idea is inconceivable, unless you believe that having SSA itself is a sin. It’s not like I’m going to go into detail about what my SSA thoughts are - that’s not what telling my parents is about. The focus is not necessarily on the SSA itself - for me at least, the focus is on telling them my experiences with how SSA has affected my life, with how it is causing me to struggle with other aspects of my life. Having SSA is not a one-dimensional thing, i.e., having SSA cannot be reduced to just “having disordered attractions” - it affects all areas of life. This is because the development of SSA is (at the very least, in my experience, if not for most with SSA) a psychological issue.
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SAVINGRACE
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Gertabelle
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As a mom, I would totally want to know if my son were struggling with SSA. This is not the same as a PARENT telling their child of their struggles! Also, at the OP’s age (24), parents are often expectng their child to be dating and discerning either marriage or religious life. Having his parents on board as part of his support team – not sharing each and every moment of temptation – is a good thing.
Again, just my opinion.
But I think this is something the OP and his parents can work out without us
Regarding the timing of this discussion… Pray and trust God to lead you. He wants to be of assistance
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UbiCaritas
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Something else to consider is that there are Catholics of good will struggling with SSA, just as there are Catholics of good will struggling with heterosexual lust of one form or another. Those Catholics with SSA also need examples of chastity to one’s state of life.
(This is one spot in which I am willing to accept the Church’s teaching on a given subject as being superior to my opinion. Were I the Pope, I’d cheerfully notify vocations directors to open the priesthood to those men with SSA who have demonstrated a serious commitment to chastity in spite of SSA. They’re demonstrating fidelity despite difficult odds, and I think that’s a good example, particularly for our young people. Nonetheless, the Church has spoken in this matter, and I’ll accede to Her teachings in it.)
While I do not agree with everything that the blogger in question has written, you might consider glancing over the blog “That the Bones You Have Crushed May Thrill.” It’s written by an orthodox Catholic man who happens to have SSA. While it’s not the sole focus of his blog by any stretch, he has written several very honest posts about the loneliness of having SSA and being an orthodox Catholic: he can’t join an order of monks (at least, none that are sound in theology) because of this attraction, nor is living in a roommate situation advisable for obvious reasons, and yet, of course, he can’t get married, either. He talks about how he copes with that–prayer, sacrifice, attending Mass, and so on. He also is quite honest about how important his faith is to him, and the reason that he has left such relationships behind: because he’s convinced that Catholicism is indeed the one true faith, and so he’ll do whatever it takes to live a holy life in accordance with Catholic teaching. Very brave.
The very best of luck to you, OP. God and Mary keep you.
(This is one spot in which I am willing to accept the Church’s teaching on a given subject as being superior to my opinion. Were I the Pope, I’d cheerfully notify vocations directors to open the priesthood to those men with SSA who have demonstrated a serious commitment to chastity in spite of SSA. They’re demonstrating fidelity despite difficult odds, and I think that’s a good example, particularly for our young people. Nonetheless, the Church has spoken in this matter, and I’ll accede to Her teachings in it.)
While I do not agree with everything that the blogger in question has written, you might consider glancing over the blog “That the Bones You Have Crushed May Thrill.” It’s written by an orthodox Catholic man who happens to have SSA. While it’s not the sole focus of his blog by any stretch, he has written several very honest posts about the loneliness of having SSA and being an orthodox Catholic: he can’t join an order of monks (at least, none that are sound in theology) because of this attraction, nor is living in a roommate situation advisable for obvious reasons, and yet, of course, he can’t get married, either. He talks about how he copes with that–prayer, sacrifice, attending Mass, and so on. He also is quite honest about how important his faith is to him, and the reason that he has left such relationships behind: because he’s convinced that Catholicism is indeed the one true faith, and so he’ll do whatever it takes to live a holy life in accordance with Catholic teaching. Very brave.
The very best of luck to you, OP. God and Mary keep you.
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SAVINGRACE
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Catholics with SSA need as much support as they can get, especially from family and close friends. This is a major life decision and I don’t think it will be good for Bobballen18 spiritual and mental health to keep it bottled up and not share with his parents.
Sure he can share with his Priest and friends but this is his mum and dad, surely they deserve to know. They need to be given the opportunity to support him through this.
As a new parent of a 18month old I may not have the longer experiences of some parents on here but I would feel privileged and honoured if our adult child wanted to discuss this with us. Confiding in your parents and asking for help is the most natural thing for a child.
Why write them out of the story? Why predict the outcome? He trusts his parents enough to want to tell them, don’t take that away.
Sure he can share with his Priest and friends but this is his mum and dad, surely they deserve to know. They need to be given the opportunity to support him through this.
As a new parent of a 18month old I may not have the longer experiences of some parents on here but I would feel privileged and honoured if our adult child wanted to discuss this with us. Confiding in your parents and asking for help is the most natural thing for a child.
Why write them out of the story? Why predict the outcome? He trusts his parents enough to want to tell them, don’t take that away.
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gardenswithkids
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A) You have told only three people face-to-face, but this thread now stands at 513 views and counting. Once you tell them, it becomes their burden too; they may or may not feel the need to share that burden through talking about it with others. After the information is out, you won’t be able to put it back.
B) Yes, I noticed that, which is why I quoted it. I happen to disagree with some of what you wrote and I wanted to address it further. Please let me make it clear that I didn’t write “keep it shut” because I believe discussing one’s struggles with a therapist or a spiritual adviser can be quite helpful. I also believe that while people may think they are “alone” in their struggles, struggles are a part of the fallen human condition. Struggles in some way, shape or form are something we all share in common. One sayings I like is, “You’re unique–just like everyone else.”
C) That’s not been my experience, but I’m female, older, don’t struggle with SSA and have some life-long friendships. But may I add something else? Perhaps part of the struggle is that SSA interferes with normal same-sex friendships by bringing aspects of sexuality to those relationships. In my opinions, the potential to disrupt normal same-sex friendships by bringing aspects of sexual attraction into those relationships is one of the saddest aspects of SSA which our society rarely speaks about openly. (The scene from the old movie “When Harry Met Sally” comes to mind, where Harry explains how men and women can’t be friends.)
D) What support do you specifically want from your parents? Do you just want them to listen and pray for you? Or is there something more specific you’d like them to either do or stop doing? As a parent, I’d want my child to know what he/she hopes to get out of this before going into this discussion with me. And before you tell them, do you realize that they may* or may not *be able to provide the support you hope to get from them? I don’t know your parents, but you’re old enough to realize that parents are people too. You say you have some psychological issues–and psychological issues are sometimes hereditary in part, (based on not just how people are raised but on brain structure, body chemistry, etc.) Are you certain your parents will handle this information well? I suspect you’re not certain of how they will respond since you posted these question on the internet first before telling them. You say your parents are traditional, and–traditionally speaking–there are some things that older, traditional leaning people don’t say openly.
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Hoosier_Daddy
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D). Is a really really good question.
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Xantippe
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Yes.
Also, speaking as a parent, I would want to know if my child had same sex attraction. It would have a lot of impact on what kind of parent I needed to be to him or her.
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bobballen_18
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Um, saying something over the Internet is hardly burdening people and is nothing like telling someone face to face. Particularly since my (whole) identity is not known. I’m sorry if I have made such a heavy burden for you. Lol. You’re welcome to unsubscribe and not view the rest of this thread.
You’re right, talking with a therapist and a priest is good. I am currently in therapy (he is actually suggesting I tell my parents, btw). I have spoken to my current pastor (he is actually my employer…haha) about this, though I am not currently receiving spiritual direction from him. So as I said, both of these things are good - but you’re essentially still saying I should “keep it shut” to my closest friends and family. And I totally disagree with that. It’s not like it’s a Catholic teaching, or something, that one is required to keep one’s struggles bottled up inside except to a therapist or a priest. In my mind, it’s inconceivable that close friends and family are “fake” with each other in that they only share with each other positive things and pretend that they’re all happy inside at all times. But sure, prudence is necessary in what one shares about oneself - I can agree with that.
Good grief, it’s not like I’m advocating meeting a new guy and introducing your self like “Hi, I’m Charles, and I have SSA.” Obviously not. I mentioned “prudence” above - obviously that would not be prudent. Generally, I would not consider telling friends that are not close to me or friends I am close with but I have a reasonable suspicion that he would not take the information well. It’s not like I just want to tell everyone I meet that I have SSA.
You’re both correct on this - these are good questions to ask, and I have certainly been asking myself these questions. Frankly, yes, a large part of it is that I simply want them to listen and to pray for me. Also, to shed a bit more light on why I would in general want to tell anyone at all that I have SSA, I believe there a a few needs that every single human being has. I believe that one of those needs is to be understood. Again, SSA itself - being sexually (and otherwise) attracted to the same sex is not necessarily the focus here. If it was, I’d probably not be telling my parents anything - that would be tons more awkward than it might already be. Before I go off and write a book, I’ll just say that, at least for me, I know that I want to understand all of my close friends and family, and I also want to be understood, and part of being understood as a whole person is to, I don’t know, know what makes a person click, what makes a person the way they are, etc. This will sometimes involve sharing “personal” information. Some people might be comfortable sharing with others their sinful struggles (and I think that under the correct circumstances that’s perfectly fine), but sharing general struggles is not necessarily sharing one’s “dark” side. It is just being honest, and acknowledging face to face that, as you mentioned, “struggles are a part of the fallen human condition. Struggles in some way, shape or form are something we all share in common”. I’m just trying to propose that it’s not bad, and that it can indeed be good, to open up to friends/family about certain things.
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gardenswithkids
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LOL–sorry, my use of pronouns was entirely grammatically incorrect. When I wrote “once you tell them…” I meant your parents. They might find the information to be a burden to carry. I especially suspect that traditional-leaning fathers could have a harder time with this information.
I don’t have much time now to write more, but I do want to let you know I admire you for living chastely and for following Church teachings. My posts didn’t come across the way I intended, but I was trying to be helpful. My prayers for you and your parents.
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EasterJoy
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I don’t think this is a weird question at all.
It is entirely up to you whether you want to tell your parents that for you chastity is not going to lead to marriage. If I were “telling the world,” I think that is what I would tell them: that is, that I’m sure I’m not called to marriage. That’s me, and that’s my imagination.
I would treat this like any other spiritual fault you have, though. If you think it will help you to resist sin or would help someone else to disclose it, then by all means do so. I think it probably would do both, but that is up to your discernment. Some people who find out about your faults or trials do not handle the information in a way that profits anyone. Keep those people out of the loop, if you can.
Like any other spiritual fault, I’d also be open to the possibility that it is the flip side of some sort of natural strength. For instance, it isn’t uncommon for courage and a bad temper to go together. One doesn’t require the other, and yet there are natural propensities that might put those things in place. I do not know why you have this trial, but it may come with other strengths and may help you to develop other strengths that you would not have otherwise had.
It is entirely up to you whether you want to tell your parents that for you chastity is not going to lead to marriage. If I were “telling the world,” I think that is what I would tell them: that is, that I’m sure I’m not called to marriage. That’s me, and that’s my imagination.
I would treat this like any other spiritual fault you have, though. If you think it will help you to resist sin or would help someone else to disclose it, then by all means do so. I think it probably would do both, but that is up to your discernment. Some people who find out about your faults or trials do not handle the information in a way that profits anyone. Keep those people out of the loop, if you can.
Like any other spiritual fault, I’d also be open to the possibility that it is the flip side of some sort of natural strength. For instance, it isn’t uncommon for courage and a bad temper to go together. One doesn’t require the other, and yet there are natural propensities that might put those things in place. I do not know why you have this trial, but it may come with other strengths and may help you to develop other strengths that you would not have otherwise had.
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Xantippe
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Well, is it really so much less of a burden to be left wondering, “I wonder why Bob never brings any girls around?” or “I wonder why Bob never seems to hit it off with the young women he meets?” or “I wonder why Bob didn’t get into seminary?” and feeling uneasy and worrying what the answers might be.
Is that really so much easier to deal with that kind of uncertainty as a parent than to actually know what is going on? There could be a hundred horrible possibilities to worry about, as opposed to just one thing.
I’m from a family that was big on keeping information back (to this day, I’m never sure which of my elderly relatives is still alive and when my mom had cancer when I was in my mid-teens, everybody seemed to know before us kids) and it really isn’t a nice feeling to discover a piece of information that should have been communicated earlier and that it turns out that other people had before you.
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bobballen_18
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I see…after I had already posted I did wonder if that was what you meant! I know what you are trying to say about that, then - I can definitely see how you think it might be a “burden to carry” for my parents. And interesting that you mentioned “traditional-leaning fathers”…I would imagine that my Dad would take it a little harder than my Mom. Definitely something to think about, though I think a lot of it depends on what I actually tell them. In any case, I really do appreciate your (name removed by moderator)ut and I thank you so much for your prayers!
Well, a minor detail here - I don’t believe marriage (to a woman obviously) is an impossibility for me. But I probably shouldn’t get into that in this thread…lol.
I agree with you that some people would not handle the information in a good way, possibly even a good friend would not. I do 100% agree that one must be prudent about to whom one discloses such information.
Otherwise, thank you for your response as well. I most definitely agree there is a spiritual aspect to the whole situation of having SSA. I’m not sure that I would say SSA itself, “come
Right, I think I have them a little (perhaps unfairly) mystified anyway - as I mentioned in the OP, they already know certain things about my situation, i.e., that I was rejected from a seminary for a reason which implied I needed professional help; I told them I felt the seminary was probably right; and they know that I am indeed seeking that “professional help” right now. Part of the purpose of me telling them more information now is that I feel like they should know this about me. I feel like they would really appreciate it to “actually know what is going on” as you put it, Xantippe.
Indeed, some things mystify me about my family’s lack of communication as well. It’s so ironic that in this day and age when so many forms of communication are readily available, we (meaning, my family) don’t really take advantage of it. All I know is that if I do end up getting married, I hope to do a few things differently than I was raised with that I would hope foster a greater sense of communication. Though I know I and any potential wife would also have our set of flaws which could have a number of effects on children. But anyway that’s probably pretty far into the future if at all. Thanks for your post, Xantippe!
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EasterJoy
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I don’t think we know enough about the natural reasons that pre-dispose someone for SSA to say that it is never the flip side of a strength. All I mean is that while you don’t have to be depressed to be a good poet it is striking how many poets also battled with depression. We know just enough to know there is a lot about the way we are made–not to mention the way that we are made into saints!–that we do not appreciate. We do our best to be our best, without believing we have to have all the answers about ourselves in order to do it.
I think if I were telling my parents I had SSA but that I also had the kind of attractions that might make marriage a real possibility, I’d say so. If I had not had the kind of attractions that would make marriage a possibility, I’d say that. If I were a man and had been given reason to believe the issue was not so deep-seated as to preclude the priesthood or religious life, I would say that, too. You know your parents, though, and know how much the prospect of whether or not you will marry some day or the nature of your vocation is to them. I wouldn’t presume to tell you that what you’d tell your parents ought to be the same as I think I’d tell mine. I would suggest you talk over the conversation you hope to have with them with a discrete person–perhaps a priest who knows them well–because that feedback might be very useful.
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