Telling the Family about my Lust Problem?

[jesusalright4me]

Hello! I struggle with porn and masturbation. Have been for the past 3 years. These past few months have been even worse thanks to the dry period I’m going through. I’ve never told my parents, for a feared they wouldn’t understand as I think that they’re more liberal on such things (I sometimes have to fight the rest of my family not to go eat at a place like Twin Peaks). I don’t ever laugh at their sexual jokes that I find in bad taste or jokes that support immoral lifestyles. I’m a straight male just trying to live the Christian life.

Earlier this year, I fought with them about moral issues. Now, while I recognize ALL sexual immorality to be sinful, I always try to love even those who struggle with it. Whether someone is living an immoral homosexual lifestyle or an immoral straight one, I try to recognize their human dignity while never supporting their lifestyle and while never hesitating, when prudent, to tell them their choices are sinful. I was arguing to my parents that it is possible to love the sinner while hating the sin. I got pretty fired up about it because i strongly dislike any jokes that make fun of those struggling with SSA, because we’re all sinners. I tried to give them a testimony about a bisexual friend that I have who openly told me he is striving to live for Christ (by of course, not acting on some of his passions). Bad idea.

My dad later came to me to inform me that they are worried about me, that they think I might be gay because I was getting all passionate seemingly fighting for the gay cause with my talk on how we need to be more charitable towards SSA individuals. They apparently think that me and my current best friend (we hang out a ton) might be gay, and that they are concerned that we are rooming together in college. It didn’t help that in the argument earlier I said that we all struggle with certain temptations, even me (for me masturbation and porn, though I didn’t specify that to them). It doesn’t help that I’ve only had one girlfriend, and that that relationship was pretty bad. It doesn’t help that I can’t seem to get a date with girls I’m interested in. It also doesn’t help that I’ve considered seminary this last year (discerned it wasn’t God’s calling for me now) and that I know that they have fears that the seminaries are still as bad as they were in the past (full of individuals openly living a gay lifestyle).

I reassured my dad that I’m not. Recently, however, I fell again to porn/masturbation. I left the house to go run some errands and sneak a confession in directly afterwards. I came back, and well, let’s just say there is some strong evidence that my dad may have discovered what I was doing. On top of that evidence, he seemed to act strange around me at first when I got home.

Now, dad has literally told me in the past that it’s “fine” for guys to release that natural urge they have. If he knows and is concerned, I think it might be because he might be stressing out thinking I was masturbating with homosexual desires or something.

This is all just speculation. It also could have been my brother (I hope not, because I try so hard to show him a good example of the Christian life. I don’t want him to be let down by his older bro’s failings). Regardless, I think it was my dad, and it stresses me out and embarrasses me knowing that my dad might know now. I feel like I should approach him, but then I’ll have to tell him everything, about all the porn issue, everything. I just don’t know if he’ll understand.

Opinions? Asking strangers online isnt always the best, but it’s a start. What do you guys think? Maybe I should tell my whole family about my addiction? I don’t know. Please pray for me.

 

[Rosebud77]

Hello! I struggle with porn and masturbation. Have been for the past 3 years. These past few months have been even worse thanks to the dry period I’m going through. I’ve never told my parents, for a feared they wouldn’t understand as I think that they’re more liberal on such things (I sometimes have to fight the rest of my family not to go eat at a place like Twin Peaks). I don’t ever laugh at their sexual jokes that I find in bad taste or jokes that support immoral lifestyles. I’m a straight male just trying to live the Christian life.

Earlier this year, I fought with them about moral issues. Now, while I recognize ALL sexual immorality to be sinful, I always try to love even those who struggle with it. Whether someone is living an immoral homosexual lifestyle or an immoral straight one, I try to recognize their human dignity while never supporting their lifestyle and while never hesitating, when prudent, to tell them their choices are sinful. I was arguing to my parents that it is possible to love the sinner while hating the sin. I got pretty fired up about it because i strongly dislike any jokes that make fun of those struggling with SSA, because we’re all sinners. I tried to give them a testimony about a bisexual friend that I have who openly told me he is striving to live for Christ (by of course, not acting on some of his passions). Bad idea.

My dad later came to me to inform me that they are worried about me, that they think I might be gay because I was getting all passionate seemingly fighting for the gay cause with my talk on how we need to be more charitable towards SSA individuals. They apparently think that me and my current best friend (we hang out a ton) might be gay, and that they are concerned that we are rooming together in college. It didn’t help that in the argument earlier I said that we all struggle with certain temptations, even me (for me masturbation and porn, though I didn’t specify that to them). It doesn’t help that I’ve only had one girlfriend, and that that relationship was pretty bad. It doesn’t help that I can’t seem to get a date with girls I’m interested in. It also doesn’t help that I’ve considered seminary this last year (discerned it wasn’t God’s calling for me now) and that I know that they have fears that the seminaries are still as bad as they were in the past (full of individuals openly living a gay lifestyle).

I reassured my dad that I’m not. Recently, however, I fell again to porn/masturbation. I left the house to go run some errands and sneak a confession in directly afterwards. I came back, and well, let’s just say there is some strong evidence that my dad may have discovered what I was doing. On top of that evidence, he seemed to act strange around me at first when I got home.

Now, dad has literally told me in the past that it’s “fine” for guys to release that natural urge they have. If he knows and is concerned, I think it might be because he might be stressing out thinking I was masturbating with homosexual desires or something.

This is all just speculation. It also could have been my brother (I hope not, because I try so hard to show him a good example of the Christian life. I don’t want him to be let down by his older bro’s failings). Regardless, I think it was my dad, and it stresses me out and embarrasses me knowing that my dad might know now. I feel like I should approach him, but then I’ll have to tell him everything, about all the porn issue, everything. I just don’t know if he’ll understand.

Opinions? Asking strangers online isnt always the best, but it’s a start. What do you guys think? Maybe I should tell my whole family about my addiction? I don’t know. Please pray for me.

Why would you tell them when you know it will mean trouble? For them, for you?

 

[ConfusedLucy]

Do you honestly think any good will come from this conversation? In an ideal world parents would always be the people you can bring your problems to but this isn’t always the case.

 

[Catholic1954]

You need the advice and guidance of a wise and holy priest. Ask your confessor before you bring it up with your family.

 

[robertmidwest]

You are at an age when your sex drive is at it’s highest-- just like everyone else your age. Why do you think your an addict? You think your that much different than other seminary age men? Your comments seem a little egocentric.

 

[MaryT777]

I will certainly pray for you to overcome your addiction. I think you would be better served talking to a priest than your family about this issue. The other posters have noted good reasons why.

 

[DeniseNY]

Keep this between you and your confessor

 

[Rosebud77]

Small point, If stress makes you fall, try to avoid confrontation?

 

[jesusalright4me]

You are at an age when your sex drive is at it’s highest-- just like everyone else your age. Why do you think your an addict? You think your that much different than other seminary age men? Your comments seem a little egocentric.

Did I even mention my age? I’m in my early 20s by the way.

I would classify this as an addiction. Medium Webster: Addiction: “compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal; broadly : persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful.”

I feel a compulsive need to look at porn. I know it’s harmful, I know it’s extremely violent images deeply wound my sense of sexuality. Given, it’s not a “habit forming substance”, per se, but then so isnt gambling.

Lately I seem to go through what I would call withdrawal issues. I am stressed when I’m off it for a while before I start to get things under control, everything, and I mean everything reminds me of porn during that time. Next thing I know, I’m staying up from as early as 11:00 pm until sometimes as late as 6:30 am, persistently and compulsivly using a substance “known by the user to be harmful.”

Maybe it’s not an addiction, but it sure seems like one. Please don’t jump to hasty conclusions about my life until you know more of the story. And what do you mean by egocentric? If anything, this struggle has made me realize that everyone, including me, can have struggles, and that that is why I need to attend to the needs of my brothers and sisters the best I can.

 

[jesusalright4me]

Why would you tell them when you know it will mean trouble? For them, for you?

That’s true, and that’s what I’ve been thinking.

Do you honestly think any good will come from this conversation? In an ideal world parents would always be the people you can bring your problems to but this isn’t always the case.

Probably not, likely there would just be more arguing about the morality of such subjects. I wish it was the case, and we’ve been such an open family in so many other things. Maybe this is just one that we won’t be.

You need the advice and guidance of a wise and holy priest. Ask your confessor before you bring it up with your family.

And that’s why I’m hoping to go into spiritual direction this next year, as well as to ask my on-campus counselor for help (I’ve told her about my struggle with porn before and she agrees that it sounds like compulsive behavior).

I will certainly pray for you to overcome your addiction. I think you would be better served talking to a priest than your family about this issue. The other posters have noted good reasons why.

Thank you so much for the prayers! As I said above, I’ll be going into spiritual direction.

Small point, If stress makes you fall, try to avoid confrontation?

That’s true…never thought of it that way.

I’m sure you guys can imagine the awkwardness this comes with and why I am divided as to what I should do. The logical choice is to not tell them, but I fear it may be brought up to me by my father. Hopefully not:shrug:

 

[jesusalright4me]

You are at an age when your sex drive is at it’s highest-- just like everyone else your age. Why do you think your an addict? You think your that much different than other seminary age men? Your comments seem a little egocentric.

Did I even mention my age? I’m in my early 20s by the way.

On second glance, that was an unecessary comment. You could tell from context clues around what age I was. Apologize!

 

[USMC_Convert]

Actually porn and sex addiction is the most addictive thing to us. Studies are concluding that while drugs and alcohol are very addictive they are an exterior addiction that does not naturally occur in the body. However when you are addicted to sex you combat what is within you.

Certainly the Catholic Church recognizes this as the U.S. Council of Catholic Bishops has written on the subject, as well as other Bishops around the country, and have concluded that this is a grave issue which confronts mainly the youth of today.

Brother, I feel your pain, and let me give you some good news. It may not get any better. But let me give you the bad news, you will conquer this.

Seem strange? This is our cross which God gave us to bear.

You know I hate myself every time I fall into this trap, but as my priest told me, God loves our struggles. When we struggle with sin, God knows we are truly trying to live good lives. I hope that I struggle everyday to be more Christ like.

Finally in my opinion, no, I would not tell your parents or anyone else other than your confessor. Whatever their choices in life, whatever their thoughts on you, it only matters what God thinks. I’ll keep you in my prayers, stay strong, fight well…

 

[robertmidwest]

And what do you mean by egocentric?

Count how many times you used the words I and me.

Are you a full time student? What other activities are you involved in?

 

[robertmidwest]

Are you a full time student? What other activities are you involved in?

Yes I could tell your age by the context. I would have guessed even younger since you mentioned that your parents influence meant so much.

Yes I am well aware that porn can be addictive. My concern is that you don’t jump to conclusions. In your youth you will have a higher is sex drive. There are no perfect people. You went to confession and were forgiven-- move along.

I think the you are having normal anxieties that people your age have. If you find some more balance in your life these issues will be reduced. Work, school, social activities, prayer, exercise should be in balance.

Should you talk to your parents about the masturbation issue? No. You already not on the same page and and you are just going to open more conflict. You are in your 20’s now anyway and pretty much out of there range of influence anyway. You say went and ran errands and confession. Who pays for the car and gasoline? The point I am getting at is maybe you are having a little trouble transitioning into adulthood. This is normal for lots of people. Don’t let “I am a porn addict” become an excuse.

I wish you well. God bless you.

 

[jesusalright4me]

Count how many times you used the words I and me.

Are you a full time student? What other activities are you involved in?

16 in my last post, and probably more in my first post. But what does that prove? I’m telling you my problem, what I struggle with, my story. Naturally I’m going to write about me.

I’m a full time student but school hasn’t started for me yet. I work hard in school, am involved in campus ministry and have other hobbies, among then gaming, art, story analyzing, debate, computers, playing piano/guitar and more. This whole summer, I worked at a youth camp.

 

[USMC_Convert]

16 in my last post, and probably more in my first post. But what does that prove? I’m telling you my problem, what I struggle with, my story. Naturally I’m going to write about me.

I’m a full time student but school hasn’t started for me yet. I work hard in school, am involved in campus ministry and have other hobbies, among then gaming, art, story analyzing, debate, computers, and more. This whole summer, I worked at a youth camp.

Fellas, let’s keep this focused on the sin, not the sinner.

 

[jesusalright4me]

Yes I am well aware that porn can be addictive. My concern is that you don’t jump to conclusions. In your youth you will have a higher is sex drive. There are no perfect people. You went to confession and were forgiven-- move along.

Who pays for the car and gasoline? The point I am getting at is maybe you are having a little trouble transitioning into adulthood. This is normal for lots of people. Don’t let “I am a porn addict” become an excuse.

I wish you well. God bless you.

Thanks for good reminders. Indeed I agree, transitioning is tough. I am experiencing that firsthand. I am starting to pay for gas myself, starting to become more independent. But I’m not sure if you understand the extent that porn is secretly consuming my life. They say something is compulsive when it takes priority over the more important things in life. My porn addiction has led me to lose crazy amounts of sleep (went 2 and a half hours one night this past week), procrastinate to the extreme on duties and homework during school, be late for meetings for college groups I’m involved in, neglect to help out my dad in his work, neglect hanging out with my family, look at it while I’m driving twice, masturbating in public bathrooms sometimes for hours and more. You tell me which of those behaviors is normal behavior for someone my age. I know I am forgiven, but I also know there is work to do and that I need help.

Thank you for the well wishes.

 

[jesusalright4me]

Brother, I feel your pain, and let me give you some good news. It may not get any better. But let me give you the bad news, you will conquer this.

Seem strange? This is our cross which God gave us to bear.

You know I hate myself every time I fall into this trap, but as my priest told me, God loves our struggles. When we struggle with sin, God knows we are truly trying to live good lives. I hope that I struggle everyday to be more Christ like.

Finally in my opinion, no, I would not tell your parents or anyone else other than your confessor. Whatever their choices in life, whatever their thoughts on you, it only matters what God thinks. I’ll keep you in my prayers, stay strong, fight well…

Thanks for the advice and encouragement! I likely won’t tell my parents after some of the opinions expressed here. I’m praying for you as well, keep fighting!

 

[twf]

Thanks for the advice and encouragement! I likely won’t tell my parents after some of the opinions expressed here. I’m praying for you as well, keep fighting!

I guess I don’t understand why you would even consider telling them. For what reason? What would you hope to gain? I don’t see how it would help. You are certainly not obliged to do so. As a man in your 20s, an adult, you don’t even owe them obedience (though you always owe them respect). In fact, I would consider it inappropriate for an adult man to discuss such sins with his parents… unless he had such a relationship with his dad that he was confident his dad would be able to help him overcome the sin.

 

[jesusalright4me]

I guess I don’t understand why you would even consider telling them. For what reason? What would you hope to gain? I don’t see how it would help. You are certainly not obliged to do so. As a man in your 20s, an adult, you don’t even owe them obedience (though you always owe them respect). In fact, I would consider it inappropriate for an adult man to discuss such sins with his parents… unless he had such a relationship with his dad that he was confident his dad would be able to help him overcome the sin.

It has to do with my dad’s doubts about my sexual orientation. If he does know that I did what I did a few days ago, then I fear he might jump to conclusions and think I’m looking at SSA material or thinking about it when I fantasize. This is probably me just over thinking.

I also know that my dad is slowly starting to become more involved in his faith, going to men’s programs and such. He’s told me that he’s always viewed my as one of the holiest people he knows. While this is far from the truth, I think I do inspire him in faith at least some. I fear it may have discouraged or scandalized him to find out, so a part of me wonders if I should confront him.

Overall though, you’re right. It’s probably best just to move on. Right now it would just cause more disagreements. There is also a part of me wishfully thinking that I had a dad that would help me fight, but right now, it’s just that, wishful thinking.