Telling the other parents?

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exiled1

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My 16y/o son is “dating” a girl who is an 18 1/2 y/o high school senior, so still at home with parents. I just found graphic sexual texts between them.
I know what I plan to do with my son, but what do you think about letting her parents know? They are not Catholic and I have no idea if they think it’s a bad thing, or if they fully approve of sex.
If she was a minor, I would definitely let them know, but do you think 18 changes anything?

Thanks
 
Yes, I would tell them, especially since she’s still in high school and living at home. They may be able to help you by talking to her.
 
Legally, in the state I live in, the age of consent is 16. Find out what it is where you are. If it is 18, you can let them (parents) know that a crime(possibly) is going on.
Morally, it’s your call. Probably be a good idea to inform her parents.
Dominus vobiscum
 
I did check the law, and there is no crime according to this state.
I have tried so hard to treat her as a valuable, but fallen and broken human being, like all of us. Her home life appears to be a hot mess, and while our family has hit some serious bumps, I am trying with everything I’ve got to raise these kids in a strong, Catholic home.
Exposing them both to everyone (and I would expose my son by exposing her) seems both necessary and unnecessary. Maybe I go ahead with my own restrictions and let them both know what I have seen?
In some ways I think that calling it out, yet being forgiving is a good course.
I’d love to tell them that they can never talk/see each other again, but I doubt that’s going to help the situation. I’m thinking that no communication at all that isn’t public?
 
I would tell them. Not act dramatic, but something like “I thought you should know that my son and your daughter were exchanging graphic images with each other. We don’t approve of this in our family. Thanks.”
 
I would sit them both down and tell them that my son will be without his phone during the evenings (meaning during school or when out without you is when he will have it) for x long. (You decide, I always seem to punish longer than most. ☺️) I would tell them that if I find it happening again, I will print out copies and share them with her parents. It’s their choice.
 
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Already dreading this when my child’s that age.

If it’s legal in your state then yes what they’re doing is wrong spiritually but getting involved as parents is not going to change a thing. In fact, it will probably push them further away from you and your values. As a Catholic I would be wanting them never to have anything to do with each other but at the same time, I would feel a little inappropriate sharing this with another adult’s parents (you state she is 18). If it’s a ‘not under my roof ‘ thing then stick to your guns but really, concentrate on your son and speak to him about it. I doubt it will stop him though. I’ll be praying for you
 
Talk to your son. Otherwise, stay out of it. She’s an adult. If her family life is a mess there’s not much chance her parents will do anything or care.
 
She’s an adult but she’s also a dependent.

It helps to follow the Golden Rule here. What if somebody else assumed that you didn’t care, and then it turns out your child was exchanging graphic images and the other parents didn’t bother to tell you? Wouldn’t you want to know so that you can respond to the problem?

If the other family doesn’t care what she’s doing, then no harm done.

The classic issue here that is common in devout Christian families is that people overreact to anything sexual and give it more power than what it deserves. They dread it and fear it, which is not appropriate and it just makes things worse. We’re not suppose to fear anything. We love our children and we want them to be happy and find their vocation and purpose in life. That is why we need to intervene when they get involved in something that is harmful to them.
 
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There is much wisdom in what you said.
I think what has happened is quite “normal” if I can say it that way, which is not to say it is “right”. It is an awful distortion of what God has planned.
For the record, none of it was images, just graphic content in text format.
I want to help her understand her value as a human being, and the love and forgiveness of Jesus Christ. She is greater than an object of sexual gratification, and she has more to offer than that. However, at some point…
 
exiled1 said:
I think what has happened is quite “normal” if I can say it that way, which is not to say it is “right”. It is an awful distortion of what God has planned.
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Correct. It is - regrettably - pretty normal and to a large extent it is not their fault that they live in a hypersexualized culture that doesn’t cherish people or recognize how wonderful they are. So reactions like shock or dread should be thrown in the trashcan where they belong.

Matt Fradd gives a lot of great advice in dioceses across the country on how to handle issues related to sexuality in young people. The #1 problem with parents that overact or that never talk about it is that children in those families usually end up involved in sexual sin and then suppress it and hide it and are scared of it.
 
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This action is apt to drive a wedge between you and your son, teen couples who feel persecuted for their relationship by interfering parents tend to react by closing ranks and sometimes doing very unwise things.

I am the mom of an adult son. At one point I decided that I have taught him all I know about the Church’s teachings on sexuality (everything, we pulled on punches, he even knew the details of NFP). He respects me and has practiced his faith for a very long time. Now, it is time to let him live his faith. If he sins, he knows he can come to me for advice, he can go to Confession, he can talk to his Godparents, he knows right from wrong.

For DS that was around age 17 when we had to let him fly or fall because he would only be under our roof, where there was a safe place to fall, for a little time. Only you know how well your son understands Church teaching.
 
This son is my 5th child, with two older, adult brothers and two older, adult sisters, as well as three younger siblings. The two older boys are 100% in the Church, and the girls are probably 85% there.
Unfortunately, I had to separate from my husband 2.5 years ago, when he was just 14, and I think that was devastating for this son, and it sent his life into a tailspin. I’ve tried to hold on, but my husband isn’t really a practicing Catholic, so he doesn’t help with this at all.
 
Just for clarification, they are not images, just text messages.
 
It gets into that grey area of borderline creepy when she’s 18 though, dads being involved.
 
I agree with that… I only have a son, but if I had a daughter, I can’t imagine, as a man and father, discussing her sex life once she turned 18. That just screams “creepy” to me. …that would be a conversation better left for mom and daughter (if it needs to be had).
 
Definitely. Especially as she’s grown. Definitely a job for mom
 
that last part stood out to me, have you personally told her that yet? I personally think you should sit them both down and explain it the way you just said.

if you still want to tell her parents after that, i’ts your call, don’t know the details of her life, it may help, or it may make it worse, or they may just not care
 
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