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TheLittleLady
Guest
The most I would do is ask his big brother to speak with him, maybe take him on a retreat.
Seek the advice of these adult brothers.
Seek the advice of these adult brothers.
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saintlouisblues19
Guest
As a 17 year old who used to live a life like this and trying to leave it, i have experienced it. Don’t tell her parents or her, your son will be very upset with you, his girlfriend will be very upset with you, and your son will probably get a lot of crap at school, at least that’s what has happened where I live. In terms of dealing with it I can’t give u any advice other than to talk to your son, but don’t bring anyone else into this because it’s going to cause your son serious social problems because this will get out to other people, and it may put a serious burden on your son and your relationship.
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halogirl
Guest
Hard disagree sorry when it comes to the child’s sexuality. There’s parenting and then there’s crossing a line
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exiled1
Guest
My son is 16, but 17 this month.
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on_the_hill
Guest
I have 21 and 17 year old daughters. There’s no way I’m going to discuss sexual matters with them.
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on_the_hill
Guest
No, no they don’t. The ol’ “living under our roof,” thing just doesn’t fly anymore. If it ever did in the first place. A kid who’s going to abide by The Law won’t need the lecture in the first place. A kid who needs the lecture isn’t going to heed it in any case.
Sure, a parent can lay down the law but they’d better be prepared to be left with nothing more than righteous indignation, because that kid is going to walk away and not look back.
Sure, a parent can lay down the law but they’d better be prepared to be left with nothing more than righteous indignation, because that kid is going to walk away and not look back.
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Irishmom2
Guest
Honestly, I am surprised how many people are just saying they feel they can’t or won’t say or do anything. One person is underage here.
Would everyone feel the same if the 16 year old was a girl, and the 18 year old a guy? How about if the ages were 16 and 21?
I am also shocked by the number of people that don’t think they should parent an underage “child.”
Would everyone feel the same if the 16 year old was a girl, and the 18 year old a guy? How about if the ages were 16 and 21?
I am also shocked by the number of people that don’t think they should parent an underage “child.”
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Agnus-Dei
Guest
Here if she was 16 and he was 30 it wouldn’t be against the law. Sorry I know that doesn’t really help. The OP checked, and it isn’t against the law where they are.
Dominus vobiscum
I would like to take back my first comment about telling her parents and go with this:
First, I would not “forbid” the contact. Usually all this does is push them together. Think the “Romeo and Juliet” scenario.
Second, since they are acting like “adults” address this in the manner that adults would. Talk to your son about this privately. Explain about your faith, and the possible issues this situation can cause. See what his reaction is. Threatening to expose the texts would probably make it worse. Give him the opportunity to behave as an adult. (Of course if you believe he’s capable of this.)
Last. If she is from a messed up home, if without religion, she probably doesn’t give a hoot about Jesus, or much else. Since you know your son, he is the one you have any chance communicating with.
Dominus vobiscum
I would like to take back my first comment about telling her parents and go with this:
First, I would not “forbid” the contact. Usually all this does is push them together. Think the “Romeo and Juliet” scenario.
Second, since they are acting like “adults” address this in the manner that adults would. Talk to your son about this privately. Explain about your faith, and the possible issues this situation can cause. See what his reaction is. Threatening to expose the texts would probably make it worse. Give him the opportunity to behave as an adult. (Of course if you believe he’s capable of this.)
Last. If she is from a messed up home, if without religion, she probably doesn’t give a hoot about Jesus, or much else. Since you know your son, he is the one you have any chance communicating with.
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on_the_hill
Guest
My response is the same, whether boy or girl–talk to your child. Except it is weird if a dad talks to a daughter. Unless there is no female parent figure available.
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exiled1
Guest
This is very much the approach I’ve been taking. I reached out to her yesterday and asked her to sit down for coffee. She answered with all kinds of “what is this about”, the graphic nature of which I was not about to put on text, and I said as much. At that point she started to school me on adult etiquette…
I spoke again to my son last night, and his approach seems to be “what do I need to do to see her again”, vs. “my soul/mind/body are out of order and I need to move back to God”. Anyway, that’s another rabbit hole…
I spoke again to my son last night, and his approach seems to be “what do I need to do to see her again”, vs. “my soul/mind/body are out of order and I need to move back to God”. Anyway, that’s another rabbit hole…
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Agnus-Dei
Guest
Oh yes. If she is presuming to instruct you on adult etiquette, that points to the idea, “speaking to her will do nothing”. She’s already decided what’s proper. I know its too late now, but maybe talking to your son, and not even involving her would have been better. You express yourself, she is none the wiser, and it’s up to your son to act. Now she’ll be talking to your son probably along the line of you “being the big meanie” etc.
Best wishes on this one.
Dominus vobiscum
Best wishes on this one.
Dominus vobiscum
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Minks
Guest
Prayers and best wishes on this, @exiled1.
You need lots of prayers, as your son’s sense of valor is likely close to non-existent if he currently thinks she’s “something else.”
When my son was in high school, he got himself up, finished in the bathroom, then woke me. One morning, I groggily woke on my own, about half an hour later than his time for waking me. The neighbor would leave her car running for 30-45 minutes every morning, and we could smell the exhaust, even though the windows were closed. I yelled at him on the way to the bathroom, then tried to throw open the door to make sure the fumes hadn’t gotten to him, but the door wouldn’t budge. Panicking, I ran for the ice pick, got the door open, and there, looking a bit nervous, with their arms on the outside of the covers and bare shoulders, lay my son and some older-looking girl I’d never laid eyes on. My 18-yr-old son, said, “Hello.”
To say that I was non-plussed, or flabbergasted, would definitely be an understatement. I think I said, “ Dear GOD in HEAVEN! What in the - - - - do you think you’re doing?” No answer. “We don’t have time to discuss this now, but, believe me, we WILL!” Then I pointed to him: “Get out of that bed and get to school!” Pointed to her: “YOU! Get out of here!”
It turned out that she was 24, they’d been seeing each other for a few weeks, they continued to see each other for another 5 months or so, and I died a thousand deaths before she broke his heart by saying that she was bi-sexual and was returning to her old girlfriend. I’d already broken each foot at one time or another, so I tried very hard not to re-break either one while in my frenzied happy dances.
A lot of family and friends had helped me to bombard heaven for intervention. I’d had to be careful not to alienate the kids during those long months of their “dating” because of the possibility that they’d run off and marry. Prayers helped me deal with it, and I believe they helped to end the relationship.
I suggest time in adoration and prayers throughout each day. Ask anyone with whom you have an understanding rapport to pray for you. You might benefit from the Prayer Intentions Forum and the thread, “Let’s Pray a Perpetual Rosary,” on the Spirituality Forum. You and your family are in my prayers.
You need lots of prayers, as your son’s sense of valor is likely close to non-existent if he currently thinks she’s “something else.”
When my son was in high school, he got himself up, finished in the bathroom, then woke me. One morning, I groggily woke on my own, about half an hour later than his time for waking me. The neighbor would leave her car running for 30-45 minutes every morning, and we could smell the exhaust, even though the windows were closed. I yelled at him on the way to the bathroom, then tried to throw open the door to make sure the fumes hadn’t gotten to him, but the door wouldn’t budge. Panicking, I ran for the ice pick, got the door open, and there, looking a bit nervous, with their arms on the outside of the covers and bare shoulders, lay my son and some older-looking girl I’d never laid eyes on. My 18-yr-old son, said, “Hello.”
To say that I was non-plussed, or flabbergasted, would definitely be an understatement. I think I said, “ Dear GOD in HEAVEN! What in the - - - - do you think you’re doing?” No answer. “We don’t have time to discuss this now, but, believe me, we WILL!” Then I pointed to him: “Get out of that bed and get to school!” Pointed to her: “YOU! Get out of here!”
It turned out that she was 24, they’d been seeing each other for a few weeks, they continued to see each other for another 5 months or so, and I died a thousand deaths before she broke his heart by saying that she was bi-sexual and was returning to her old girlfriend. I’d already broken each foot at one time or another, so I tried very hard not to re-break either one while in my frenzied happy dances.
A lot of family and friends had helped me to bombard heaven for intervention. I’d had to be careful not to alienate the kids during those long months of their “dating” because of the possibility that they’d run off and marry. Prayers helped me deal with it, and I believe they helped to end the relationship.
I suggest time in adoration and prayers throughout each day. Ask anyone with whom you have an understanding rapport to pray for you. You might benefit from the Prayer Intentions Forum and the thread, “Let’s Pray a Perpetual Rosary,” on the Spirituality Forum. You and your family are in my prayers.
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exiled1
Guest
Oh my goodness, how awful for you! And how glorious that it ended, and I pray to God that your son is fully back in Church!
Thank you for sharing this painful story!
I do pray all day, every day, and I fast from food, entertainment and so much else. I have to remind myself that St. Monica and others did the same for years and years before they got the answers they were hoping for.
Much love and prayer for you!
Thank you for sharing this painful story!
I do pray all day, every day, and I fast from food, entertainment and so much else. I have to remind myself that St. Monica and others did the same for years and years before they got the answers they were hoping for.
Much love and prayer for you!
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phantom197676
Guest
Personally if it were me I would try talking to both her and your son, make it clear that you are aware of what’s going on and that it is not ok. Don’t involve her parents, yet at least since I have the feeling you’ll very possibly get ‘Yeah, and?’ as a result
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exiled1
Guest
I did send a quick text to the mom after I determined that talking to the girlfriend was a non-starter. She definitely did not share my concerns, although I did not give the explicit details over text. She didn’t want to hear more.
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halogirl
Guest
Tbh I don’t think you fasting and not enjoying entertainment is going to do anything other than make things harder for you. If it’s not against the law then they will just carry on until the rship runs it’s natural course. You’ve shared your concerns with him and that’s all you can do Other than keep loving him Keep praying and just ask that God protects them both and that the angels protect your household.
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Minks
Guest
Our kids do things that surprise us or even shock us, but still we love them as time marches on. We can better understand the disappointments and/or heartbreaks that our parents had with us.
He’s 55 now, seems to be a good man, and seems to have a very good life, in every aspect, except that he no longer practices our faith.
At some point we must put the situation and our worries about it back into God’s court, though. Of course, I still pray that he’ll return to the Church, and that his wife will join him, but it doesn’t overwhelm me as it once did. I’ve not given up, but stressing about it doesn’t rule my waking hours as it once did. If I were given the opportunity to do things over, I would change some of the things I did, but during those times, I did the best I could come up with, and I must accept that.
I know you’re disappointed, and aching, but don’t let your stress over this son wear down your health or shortchange your other children. Just keep doing your best and trust in God.
He’s 55 now, seems to be a good man, and seems to have a very good life, in every aspect, except that he no longer practices our faith.
At some point we must put the situation and our worries about it back into God’s court, though. Of course, I still pray that he’ll return to the Church, and that his wife will join him, but it doesn’t overwhelm me as it once did. I’ve not given up, but stressing about it doesn’t rule my waking hours as it once did. If I were given the opportunity to do things over, I would change some of the things I did, but during those times, I did the best I could come up with, and I must accept that.
I know you’re disappointed, and aching, but don’t let your stress over this son wear down your health or shortchange your other children. Just keep doing your best and trust in God.
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rosejmj
Guest
I agree. Parents have the job to talk to their kids about sexuality and their views. After a certain point though it’s best to get out of the way and let them make their own decisions. Sexuality is very private and is not something I’d want my parents involved in just because they think what I’m doing might be sinful.
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halogirl
Guest
Exactly - I must admit I had a smile on my face when I saw the ages as here in UK the ages are completely legal and not shocking to us. At some point you have to allow the young person to use the tools you’ve given them and hope they will use good sense. I mean when my child is old enough they won’t be allowed to sleep over with a partner, but I would have to accept that things could happen especially regarding phones. Once they are 18 it’s really out of my control although I will expect respect under my roof I cannot and would not want to get involved in their sexuality other than to offer good counsel
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Viki63
Guest
Dear exiled,
One thing I haven’t seen addressed in these posts is the possibility of pregnancy. Of course that may be the main, unspoken concern of many parents.
When you talk to your son, you might want to mention that your concern is not only for him, but for any child that might result from their relationship.
My son was dating a girl I didn’t approve of, but we couldn’t prevent it. She would sneak into his room at night, hide in the garage; her home life was a disaster. She had a son who now lives with us; he’s six. And he is the one who suffers most, since he doesn’t understand why he can’t live with his mom and dad both (she’s an addict; they are barely on speaking terms).
Encourage him to think about a possible child or even abortion, since the girl might choose that. Waiting until he is mature, has an education and a job, and has married a decent partner would be ideal for any child that might come along.
One thing I haven’t seen addressed in these posts is the possibility of pregnancy. Of course that may be the main, unspoken concern of many parents.
When you talk to your son, you might want to mention that your concern is not only for him, but for any child that might result from their relationship.
My son was dating a girl I didn’t approve of, but we couldn’t prevent it. She would sneak into his room at night, hide in the garage; her home life was a disaster. She had a son who now lives with us; he’s six. And he is the one who suffers most, since he doesn’t understand why he can’t live with his mom and dad both (she’s an addict; they are barely on speaking terms).
Encourage him to think about a possible child or even abortion, since the girl might choose that. Waiting until he is mature, has an education and a job, and has married a decent partner would be ideal for any child that might come along.
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