Telling your spouse what to do

[shelby_sun]

I learned, the hard way, a long time ago not to tell my husband what to do ever! He thinks he can and does handle anything better than I can and do, so I leave it at that.

Funny story. He was working on our house one day using a nail gun when I asked him if I should stick around instead of going out in case something goes wrong. He looked at me in that condecending way and said “of course not. I know what I am doing.” So I went out. About 2 hours later I get a call from him from the emergency room telling me he accidentally shot a nail through his finger and a neighbor took him to the hospital. Being the not very good Catholic I am I told him I was sorry and I that I would see him at home later when the neighbor brought him home.

Even that did not change his ways.

 

[Musician]

We are going on thirty years. Fairy-tale marriage, actually!
I don’t tell my husband to do certain things. I might suggest things, but I don’t tell him what to do. He would hate that.
I have found that it is easier to head off problems by anticipating them. I.E., when we are having people over for a special meal and visit, I will ask him ahead of time (as in days) to help me on that day. He is more than happy to do so if he has a heads-up. I even will put it like this, “Honey, can I have your help and undivided attention for one hour before the guests get here?” He always says yes. I have to tell him at that point what needs doing but he is fine with that. Men are pretty easy to handle. They just want to be accepted for who they are.
As far as driving goes don’t know what to tell you. My DH is driving me crazy! Haha!

 

[marymary1975]

Then don’t drive with him. Take your car and meet him there. I think you’re over-reacting but in case you aren’t, just take care of yourself and leave him to drive himself. If he gets into an accident, he will have to take defensive driving and maybe he’ll learn his lesson. If you just keep on nagging, YOU are the problem, he has a reason to drive like that, because YOU are nagging him.

Agree!

 

[AnneTeresa]

Funny story. He was working on our house one day using a nail gun when I asked him if I should stick around instead of going out in case something goes wrong. He looked at me in that condecending way and said “of course not. I know what I am doing.” So I went out. About 2 hours later I get a call from him from the emergency room telling me he accidentally shot a nail through his finger and a neighbor took him to the hospital. Being the not very good Catholic I am I told him I was sorry and I that I would see him at home later when the neighbor brought him home.

Even that did not change his ways.

LOL

Ok, I have my answers to the original question. Thanks to everyone. We’ve been married 28 years but there is always room to grow and learn!

 

[Allegra]

I believe in telling other people what you want. If you don’t tell other people what you want, then you have no reasonable expectation that they will even attempt to accomodate you. People aren’t mind readers. If my husband is tail-gating, I’m going to tell him that what he is doing is making me nervous. If he leaves his stuff all over, I’m going to tell him that he’s making it more difficult for me to clean the house. What else am I supposed to do? Say nothing and then complain about how inconsiderate he is on CA? He’s not a clarivoyant! He does have the sense to tell when I’m annoyed about something and I don’t think it’s very charitable or mature to play the “guess-why-I’m-annoyed-game” either.

 

[Skye_Ariel]

I learned many, many years ago that he didn’t need me to be his mother, he needed me to be his wife. If he wants to watch a particular TV program that I don’t like, I’ll just go upstairs and do whatever I want to do and leave him to it. There are things he does that make me crazy on occasion so I have to ask myself, does it really matter in the great scheme of things? Ninety-nine times out of a hundred it does not matter. So there’s no use whatsoever in saying anything. He doesn’t have to ask my permission to go skeet shooting after work or on a Saturday morning with his friends. He’s a big boy and can make those decisions on his own. And I never ever criticize his driving. What would be the point?

I am quite sure there are a lot more things about me that are less than stellar that he puts up with, so I afford him the same respect.

We’ve been married for almost 35 years so something is working

I am a married woman. My sixteenth anniversary is next month, and my marriage is the fairy-tale kind where we are more madly in love now than when we got married.

I never, never, never tell my husband what to do. When we married, I became his wife, his helper, the one who will support him. I am not his mother, nor am I in a position of authority over him. If someone who was not my commanding officer, to use an earlier poster’s excellent analogy, continued to give me orders, it would hurt my morale. It would hurt my self-respect. Why is this person who is not my commanding officer thinking so little of me that he tells me what to do as though I were a child?

Bossing and/or nagging one’s husband is deadly to a marriage. Solomon pointed that it is better to live in the corner of a rooftop than in a house with a contentious woman.

Perhaps realizing the gravity of the action will help in stopping it. I know that it does for me. When I know that something is extremely important it helps me to focus on it, to do it properly.

I agree with both of these posts, that’s how I view it. If I don’t care for what’s on TV I will go to another room or do something else, if he likes to watch crime shows (which I love by the way) then that’s his choice, he’s a grown man and can watch what he wants to watch. And I agree that 99% of those things do not even matter. And this is especially true “I am quite sure there are a lot more things about me that are less than stellar that he puts up with, so I afford him the same respect.” No one is perfect so I’m sure I do things that might seem silly or make no sense too.

 

[RubyT]

Nice sarcasm. I could say the same thing if I chose to take that attitude.

To clarify for everyone who commented on “nagging” I’m not talking about nagging. I know the difference.

I really just wanted to hear from women who have long experience in marriage how they deal with this.

Yes there are many people who love to find the negative in a post where you have put your heart out there, they prefer to think you are nagging instead of coaching in a sense. Please ignore them…as Fulton J Sheen said:

“Criticism of others is thus an oblique form of self-commendation. We think we make the picture hang straight on our wall by telling our neighbors that all his pictures are crooked.”

I often find myself trying to “teach” my husband things and go about the wording of it completely wrong…try to stop reacting and instead----- address the situation without condescension…changing your tone of voice and wording can make all the difference in the world.

“Your bath towel smells…don’t use it for a week before you change it”
OR
" Hey honey, I noticed your bath towel is really smelling up the bathroom. I don’t mind doing laundry to keep us healthy, please switch towels more often to prevent us getting sick"

---

Tailgating: “Honey YOU ARE TOO CLOSE” with him thinking there she goes telling me how to drive again. OR “Honey, you are scaring me because you are so close”…he being a good husband responds to his need to make me happy and backs down.

Tone of voice and the words you use are everything! I Hope this helps.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

I believe in telling other people what you want. If you don’t tell other people what you want, then you have no reasonable expectation that they will even attempt to accomodate you. People aren’t mind readers. If my husband is tail-gating, I’m going to tell him that what he is doing is making me nervous. If he leaves his stuff all over, I’m going to tell him that he’s making it more difficult for me to clean the house. What else am I supposed to do? Say nothing and then complain about how inconsiderate he is on CA? He’s not a clarivoyant! He does have the sense to tell when I’m annoyed about something and I don’t think it’s very charitable or mature to play the “guess-why-I’m-annoyed-game” either.

There’s telling people what you want and then there’s telling people what you want. If I had to tell people every way that I would like them to act/think/etc. then I would never shut up!

Which isn’t far from the case, mind you.

But not good for a healthy marriage!

Though I think in part, that I agree with you. It is very much appreciated from a male perspective that when you get angry you are able to actually TELL us why instead of making us guess. Another pet peeve!

 

[PetiteFoi]

There’s telling people what you want and then there’s telling people what you want. If I had to tell people every way that I would like them to act/think/etc. then I would never shut up!

Which isn’t far from the case, mind you.

But not good for a healthy marriage!

Though I think in part, that I agree with you. It is very much appreciated from a male perspective that when you get angry you are able to actually TELL us why instead of making us guess. Another pet peeve!

I used to play that game a lot with my husband the guess-why-I’m-upset-because-I-say-I’m-“fine”-when-you-ask…

Now I will tell him why I’m upset, so there’s no miscommunication, but there’s a huge difference between telling someone what to do and asking.

If my husband is doing something that is bothering me, I ask him to stop, explain why he’s driving me nuts, then try not to nag about it.
He seems to respond a lot better to:
“Hon, can you please not toss your stuff everywhere? It take forever to pick up.”
than:
“Pick up your junk! You’re being a slob!!”

And I would know, as I’ve said both… chuckle

Peace,
~ PetiteFoi

 

[TheRealJuliane]

If you say something once, you’re speaking your mind.

If you say it more than once, you’re nagging or trying to manipulate.

 

[Bonnie]

I believe in telling other people what you want. If you don’t tell other people what you want, then you have no reasonable expectation that they will even attempt to accomodate you. People aren’t mind readers. If my husband is tail-gating, I’m going to tell him that what he is doing is making me nervous. If he leaves his stuff all over, I’m going to tell him that he’s making it more difficult for me to clean the house. What else am I supposed to do? Say nothing and then complain about how inconsiderate he is on CA? He’s not a clarivoyant! He does have the sense to tell when I’m annoyed about something and I don’t think it’s very charitable or mature to play the “guess-why-I’m-annoyed-game” either.

AMEN!

 

[Monte_RCMS]

I used to play that game a lot with my husband the guess-why-I’m-upset-because-I-say-I’m-“fine”-when-you-ask…

Now I will tell him why I’m upset, so there’s no miscommunication, but there’s a huge difference between telling someone what to do and asking.

If my husband is doing something that is bothering me, I ask him to stop, explain why he’s driving me nuts, then try not to nag about it.
He seems to respond a lot better to:
“Hon, can you please not toss your stuff everywhere? It take forever to pick up.”
than:
“Pick up your junk! You’re being a slob!!”

And I would know, as I’ve said both… chuckle

Peace,
~ PetiteFoi

… or … say nothing … just move it … if it’s a safety hazard … to where it’s no longer a safety hazard.

[if it “drives you crazy” … that’s not his/her problem … it’s the problem of the person who perceives so many things as affecting their mental health.]

 

[PetiteFoi]

… or … say nothing … just move it … if it’s a safety hazard … to where it’s no longer a safety hazard.

[if it “drives you crazy” … that’s not his/her problem … it’s the problem of the person who perceives so many things as affecting their mental health.]

Lol! Any married person knows it’s a problem for both if it’s a problem for one.
If it were something small like the lid on the toothpaste, okay, I can deal with that.
But I don’t believe in mothering my husband.
It’s not my duty to pick up after an adult.

I do that enough with my toddler. And even she’s learning the “if you take it out, you put it back when you’re finished.”

So sorry, but nah, I don’t need a man-child to clean up after. I take care of the house/children/food/cleaning; I respect his work, make sure he has a nice house to come home to, clean laundry and dinners.
I don’t think that if he were to toss his stuff everywhere, it becomes “my problem” that I find it disrespectful or making more work for me.

But then again, I have a husband who respects me and appreciates me, so if I come to him kindly and ask that he make an effort to remember to put his laundry in the hamper, he tries to.

Peace,
~ PetiteFoi

 

[Skye_Ariel]

Yes there are many people who love to find the negative in a post where you have put your heart out there, they prefer to think you are nagging instead of coaching in a sense. Please ignore them…as Fulton J Sheen said:

“Criticism of others is thus an oblique form of self-commendation. We think we make the picture hang straight on our wall by telling our neighbors that all his pictures are crooked.”

I often find myself trying to “teach” my husband things and go about the wording of it completely wrong…try to stop reacting and instead----- address the situation without condescension…changing your tone of voice and wording can make all the difference in the world.

“Your bath towel smells…don’t use it for a week before you change it”
OR
" Hey honey, I noticed your bath towel is really smelling up the bathroom. I don’t mind doing laundry to keep us healthy, please switch towels more often to prevent us getting sick"

---

Tailgating: “Honey YOU ARE TOO CLOSE” with him thinking there she goes telling me how to drive again. OR “Honey, you are scaring me because you are so close”…he being a good husband responds to his need to make me happy and backs down.

Tone of voice and the words you use are everything! I Hope this helps.

LOL! In the case with the towel, I would just take it and put it in with the dirty laundry every other day. No need to even say anything, that would force him to have to get a clean one. That’s easier to me than harping on it every day and less stressful.

 

[Allegra]

If you say something once, you’re speaking your mind.

If you say it more than once, you’re nagging or trying to manipulate.

If something someone is doing is effecting me, and I have to tell them more than once to stop, then there’s a probelm. “Nagging” isn’t even the word to describe what happens next. I don’t “tell” people to do things often, but when I do, it’s because what they are donig is harming me in some way or could potentially harm me. If I have to say it twice, then the world might come off its axis. If what they do isn’t really effecting me, then it isn’t really my business.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

I think the most important thing is to have discretion when it comes to what you do/don’t tell your spouse to do.

If it’s important, say it. If not, generally best to let it go… though it depends on the spouse.

If you do it all the time, you will be ignored. If you do it selectively, your spouse should (and most likely will) pay attention.

 

[Ridgerunner]

Some of the posters mentioned TV.

I read somewhere that men can watch more than one TV program at a time, while for some reason, women cannot. Or, at least, men do it a lot and women don’t.

I’m possibly the worst “multiple simultaneous show watchers” in existence. So I’m constantly switching the channel. My wife doesn’t mind it, though she jokes about it, but if she says “I want to watch this” that’s all I need to know. That’s what we do. If I can’t stand the show (cooking shows are, to me and I suspect to most guys, the worst…like having a tooth drilled) I go do something else.

 

[Soren_Itenu]

From what I’ve seen, marriages thrive when there is no TV in the house.

 

[chevalier]

From a male perspective, gratuitous real-time feedback on all things I do wrong is supremely discomforting, especially from someone who isn’t prepared to receive a taste of his own medicine without fussing. It’s even more annoying when it just comes down to different ways of doing the same thing, something like do you carry heavier loads each time and make fewer trips or do you make more trips but with smaller loads. I find it somewhat troubling when people can’t tell that they’re simply dealing with two different perspectives, each of them equally good. I specifically make the mental effort to dissociate “my way” from “the right way” and I wish more people would. One other rule I wish more people followed is to stay silent when any improvement would be minimal or less than certain.

Compulsive micromanagement of other people, or fixing what isn’t broken, isn’t an exclusively feminine thing, though. Men can do it too and be pretty annoying at it.

 

[haedron]

From a male perspective, gratuitous real-time feedback on all things I do wrong is supremely discomforting, especially from someone who isn’t prepared to receive a taste of his own medicine without fussing. It’s even more annoying when it just comes down to different ways of doing the same thing, something like do you carry heavier loads each time and make fewer trips or do you make more trips but with smaller loads. I find it somewhat troubling when people can’t tell that they’re simply dealing with two different perspectives, each of them equally good. I specifically make the mental effort to dissociate “my way” from “the right way” and I wish more people would. One other rule I wish more people followed is to stay silent when any improvement would be minimal or less than certain.

Compulsive micromanagement of other people, or fixing what isn’t broken, isn’t an exclusively feminine thing, though. Men can do it too and be pretty annoying at it.

I really agree with this, and I’ll expand on something else that’s bothersome. Lots of times my spouse will ask me to handle something that she doesn’t want to deal with. No problem there, but don’t proceed to criticize me for doing said task in the fashion I choose. If it’s important for you that something be done a certain way, then do it yourself. If you want me to do it, then get out of the way and leave me to it.