Temper issues with kids when doing homework

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utunumsint

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Hey,

I hope you are all doing well!

My wife and I have just had our sixth child. Generally we are good with our kids, but sometimes we have bad days. Often this happens during homework time. Sometimes I lose my temper when I have gone over a concept, explanation, or instruction over three or four times. I know I should be more patient, and I clearly see this as a defect of mine.

I guess my question is, have any of you had parents who sometimes blow their stack during homework? Do you have any advice/warning for parents who have the same shortcoming?

God bless and please pray for my wife and I for more patience with our wonderful if not always perfect kids…,
Ut
 
utunumsint said:
Hey,

I hope you are all doing well!

My wife and I have just had our sixth child. Generally we are good with our kids, but sometimes we have bad days. Often this happens during homework time. Sometimes I lose my temper when I have gone over a concept, explanation, or instruction over three or four times. I know I should be more patient, and I clearly see this as a defect of mine.

I guess my question is, have any of you had parents who sometimes blow their stack during homework? Do you have any advice/warning for parents who have the same shortcoming?

God bless and please pray for my wife and I for more patience with our wonderful if not always perfect kids…,
Ut
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Kids have a way of pushing our buttons - intentionally or not. Definitely will pray for you and your spouse. 👍

A few random thoughts based on my experience - use anything that seems helpful, forget the rest 😃
  1. Environment / Setting - Is there noise, distractions, poor lighting, interruptions, etc - that are distracting to either you or your child when you’re trying to help them?
I know I tend to become more easily upset when I trying to juggle figuring out how to explain a problem while at the same time hearing the television, the conversation in the next room, someone else asking if they can go play outside, running water, etc.

When working with one child it’s best if you can find a location that’s sequestered from the noise, comments, (name removed by moderator)ut and needs of all the other children and just be one-on-one.
  1. Time pressure - I find myself feeling pressured sometimes to KNOW the answer (after all this is 5th grade math, or 7th grade social studies, right?) when actually, it’s been so long since I’ve seen the problem that I don’t. Or they want the student to work it a certain way - one that I’ve never heard of.
So I find myself trying to skim and speed read to hurry up and give my impatient child an explanation - before I’ve fully comprehended what they are asking and what they are being taught. Then there’s also the pressure to hurry up and get them thru their homework so I can move onto the next child/chore/task/etc.

If you manage to find a balance that allows sufficient time to handle all the needs of all your children in the space of one afternoon/evening - then please message me, because I sure have never managed it. What I would suggest is if it is something they need ongoing help with (you’re always being asked to help with math for example) - then I’d suggest having two time periods set up - a small chunk of time when you alone look over the book/papers and figure out what they what the child to learn and how they want them to do it, then a separate time later to actually go over it with the child once you’ve got it in your head.
  1. Child manipulation - child doesn’t want to work on learning, child just wants you to give them the answer.
I have smart, gifted, hard-working kids - but they are kids, and I’ve had this occur at various phases. No matter how I explained it, or how I encouraged them - all I’d get was a whiny “but I don’t understand”. The apparent idea was that either I’d up and give them the answer - or they’d have stalled long enough that I’d send them to bed without them having to finish it.

My response to this when I realized it was happening was to stop explaining, that I was apparently only making things worse and that they (the child) would just have to do their best on their own. This usually resulted in a lot more panic/whining but I’d just ignore that and walk away. After that the child would start coming to me with a more open attitude towards learning and/or more specific questions about the work rather than vague, whiny “I don’t know how to do this”. Also helped to have them explain it to me first - that got to be a lot of work so they’d only ask when they really didn’t know rather than when they just didn’t feel like doing it.

And don’t be too hard on yourself - I’ve completely lost it before in all of the above situations, and had to go back later and apologize to the kid(s) about my temper. 😊 It happens. It’s taken me way too long to realize that these were the things pushing me over the edge and to figure out better ways of dealing with them, but I’ve made a lot of improvement. Best thing about large families - you get many years of practice to improve your skills. 👍
 
I think CradleJourney has very good advice.

I will say that my parents almost never helped me with homework, not even when I was young. I don’t recall them helping my younger siblings either. My mom helped me do two different science projects in elementary school, but other than that I was on my own.

I know that school is very different now, but I do want to say I think it’s great that you are willing to help.

(At the same time, though, you might find you need to do less supervising than you think, especially with the older ones.)
 
My older son had some training for a job working with younger children and taught me to look at it differently. Sometimes children do say they don’t understand and basically, yeah, they don’t even understand enough to be able to say, I understood this all the way up to here, but this step loses me. This was precisely what I was missing in helping my children with math, and I, too, reacted by losing my temper.

Anyway, the better way for me is to show the child the problem in the book, where the book explains it, then to do a problem and “think out loud” as I do it, and then to do another problem where I am writing and asking the child what to do next, and then to let the child do one while I oversee what he or she is doing.

It helps that I am really bad at math and so can show some delight in getting the right answer 😉

If I can just keep in my mind that my child is just learning the math, but also just learning the process of thinkng things through, and so will react like a child rather than an adult, that helps too.
 
Talk to their teacher, but most of the time the parents should not have to do a lot of tutoring at home unless they are homeschooling. If you do tutor quite a bit, set up lines of communication with the teacher, so the teacher has feedback on what hasn’t been getting through to your child in the classroom. The sooner you can convince your child to be a self-propelled learner, the happier everyone will be. More to the point, you’ll have set your child up with one of the necessary skills for academic success. They all have to learn to do their own homework eventually. It is never too early for this to happen.

As for getting homework done, we told our kids that they could do their homework any time they liked, provided that it all got done and rarely interfered with their bedtime. The deal was that they would not even get “do your homework” reminders if they never had missed assignments or assignments completed with quality short of their ability. If they were that self-sufficient, they got to choose how much help they wanted and what help they did not want, too. If, on the other hand, they missed assignments or did not work up to their ability, then they had to do homework at a time and under circumstances that suited me, not them. Because our children never wanted to be the one who had to drop everything and do homework when Mom said it was a good time for her to supervise instead of the one who got to do it when it pleased him, they were very good about getting their homework done on their own. We never had to make them do their homework.

The other advantage you have with six children is that you can have older ones tutor younger ones. This is good for both students, because teaching is a learning experience. Is that a possibility?

I do a lot of tutoring. If a concept or a skill is a bad fit for a student’s aptitudes, the tutor has to get creative about finding how to help the student conquer that concept or skill. You really have to be a positive coach and model the expectation that sometimes academic work takes a lot of perseverance and patience. If you think going over and over a concept is frustrating for you, add embarrassment and self-doubt and that is how your student is often feeling. If you get angry about it, throw resentment in on top. Not good.

If the student is unwilling to assert himself or herself to do the work, however, then let them go. Maybe it is a bad time. Maybe you’re not a good fit as a tutor. It doesn’t matter. You can’t learn for a learner any more than you can run for a runner. You can only coach, and you can only coach effectively when you are allowed to do it. When your help isn’t helping or isn’t wanted, quit giving it. If the student is being foolish, oh, well. They learn, eventually.

You will do the best if you take your hands off with an attitude that is respectful of the self-authority of the student. It will be very hard, but at all costs avoid putting the “If I’m right I’m going to say ‘I told you so’” sword of Damocles over the student’s head. In other words, avoid inserting a fear of failure in the enterprise of self-governance. If the student tries that and fails, you need to put in a bit of, “You know, this didn’t work out this time, but I’m proud of you for taking your own education in your own hands. That is the attitude that leads to success. Let’s try again, but getting you to where you run your homework yourself is absolutely where we want to end up. Good idea. Let’s back up a little, but let’s go there.” When a student tries to self-govern and falls flat on his or her face, show confidence that he or she will get back up and master that animal eventually. They have to do it eventually. They’ll do far better if they look forward to it and believe they can do it and enjoy doing it.
 
St_Francis said:
My older son had some training for a job working with younger children and taught me to look at it differently. Sometimes children do say they don’t understand and basically, yeah, they don’t even understand enough to be able to say, I understood this all the way up to here, but this step loses me. This was precisely what I was missing in helping my children with math, and I, too, reacted by losing my temper.

Anyway, the better way for me is to show the child the problem in the book, where the book explains it, then to do a problem and “think out loud” as I do it, and then to do another problem where I am writing and asking the child what to do next, and then to let the child do one while I oversee what he or she is doing.

It helps that I am really bad at math and so can show some delight in getting the right answer 😉

If I can just keep in my mind that my child is just learning the math, but also just learning the process of thinkng things through, and so will react like a child rather than an adult, that helps too.
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The ideal is to get as close as possible to the Socratic method. If the student says, “I have it,” then you run them through a little test to see if they do. When they get stuck, don’t start over with the explanation. Give hints to get past the sticking spot and use the identification of the sticking spot as an “ah ha!” moment. You want them to feel secure in showing you their stuff, like they are on the tightrope with a net and no one that needs to be impressed watching them. They are still at the “rehearsal” stage; make that a very safe environment for sticking their neck out and seeing what they can do.

Also, it is better not to use “you are smart” as praise, but instead stick with “you have perseverance” or “you have what it takes to work around obstacles” and “it doesn’t matter that you don’t get it at first; it only matters that you learn how to work through it when you don’t get it.” There is actual research that shows that praising choices instead of outcomes gives far more self-confidence. We can guarantee our ability to choose a good attitude, we can guarantee that we’ll make an effort, but we cannot guarantee an outcome or that our talent alone will fly us through every academic problem.
 
My son is in 5th grade now and our homework sessions go much more smoothly than they used to when he was younger.

First, I have worked on calming myself down. When I feel that I am becoming too impatient and frustrated with him I leave the room for about 5 minutes, and say a little prayer, before continuing. I try and remember what it was like when I was a child and had trouble with schoolwork.
(Although we didn’t have nearly as much homework as they do today.)

Also, we have broken up the time devoted to homework into sessions. He gets home about 3:30 and he has an hour to unwind and have a snack. Then from 4:30 to 6:00 I try to get him to do the bulk of his non-studying/reading homework completed. Then after dinner, from around 7:30 to 8:30 I have him do any reading and or studying he has to do. While he is doing that, I check over his other homework and at 8:30 we sit down together and correct or go over his completed homework I also use this time to go over any spelling words, etc. he might have. Then he goes to be a little after 9pm.

I am against homework personally, except for perhaps a few math problems and spelling words. My child has had hours of homework since he has been in the 1st grade. He normally has 2 or 3 quizzes/tests per week so he always has studying. And he must read a minimum of 20 minutes a night and complete a reading log. That doesn’t seem like much, but when it is on top of all his other work, which is on top of being at school 7 hours a day, it really takes all the fun out of reading and learning, which seems to be the goal of schools today.

But, despite the headache of homework, a calm parent and spaced out work seems to help a lot.🙂
 
I can recall my parents quizzing me for upcoming spelling tests and proofreading essays when I requested, but mostly they took a very hands-off approach to my homework, and I think that helped me in the long run.

One thing to keep in mind (and I’m not saying this applies to your kids but it might to someone else who is reading this): teachers use homework as a way to evaluate what kids have learned and mastered and how well the teachers are conveying knowledge in class. If a parent has to explain a concept three or four times, the student either wasn’t paying attention in class or the teacher did not explain it well. The incomplete or incorrect homework assignment that a student subsequently turns in gives important information to the teacher that can help both of them. In public schools, many students with difficulty learning can qualify for extra help - either extra time on tests, a teacher’s aid, or a free tutor, etc. But in order to qualify, the student has to first submit some amount of work that is below par. My sister teaches sixth grade and has said she’s frustrated when struggling students get so much help at home that their work grades as average; she knows they would benefit from tutoring and extra accommodations but they don’t qualify until their parents let them fail. This may not apply to your situation at all; it’s just something to consider.
 
Before I started homeschooling I had my six oldest in public school. I expected them to do their homework on their own. My husband and I did not help with their homework. If they did not understand a concept and could not figure it out on their own they could ask for help but unless they asked we didn’t ever step in. If I attempted to explain and it was too confusing or they fought me, it didn’t get done and they had their teacher to deal with about it. They never really couldn’t understand with help, and each one fought me once. They did not want to look bad for their teachers. Step back from the homework battle. It has the potential to turn them off of learning. Explain that if fighting begins, the homework won’t get completed and stick to that. Now that I’m homeschooling, I still won’t fight them.
 
My mom threw a textbook at me once. I hated when my parents would help me study because of this same issue. My mom would flip out if I wasn’t learning fast enough, and they always put a ton of pressure on me to do perfectly. They’d also make me do extra work to get ahead of other students. I ended up having extreme anxiety issues, especially when it came to schoolwork. When I was in university, I would be crippled by fear of failing a test, even when I had an A average in the course. Being patient and not making your children fear your reaction when they do less than perfectly or take a while to learn something is so important.

ETA: They never helped me with homework unless I asked. They did help me study for tests and do extra vocabulary work and that’s when these issues would happen.
 
Once I see the first signs of frustration, I allow him a 10 minute “blow off stream” break. When he comes back, he is more focused.
 
Hi everyone!

I just wanted to thank you all for your wonderful posts. A lot of different perspectives to think about. The biggest one for me is just letting them do it on their own… yikes! I want them to succeed… but maybe I’m interfering too much and causing them too much stress… I want to be involved though.

Anyway, lots to think about, and thanks again!
God bless,
Ut
 
utunumsint said:
Hi everyone!

I just wanted to thank you all for your wonderful posts. A lot of different perspectives to think about. The biggest one for me is just letting them do it on their own… yikes! I want them to succeed… but maybe I’m interfering too much and causing them too much stress… I want to be involved though.

Anyway, lots to think about, and thanks again!
God bless,
Ut
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We had a teacher who asked us to make notes about whatever help we gave on homework, so the teacher would know what parts of the lesson weren’t getting through from the way she explained it. If you do this, believe me, you’ll won’t micromanage too much!

I’d talk to the teacher about this–that is, what help is “good” help and what help is “problematic” help. Let’s say right off the bat, though, that any help that has you angry at your student is problematic. The student’s frustration level at having a harder time than peers at some topic or other is one thing. Even in that case, though, remember that the student also needs to learn the psychological strategies for dealing with frustration. A lot of teaching is coaching, and a lot of coaching is encouragement.

The other thing, of course, is letting your child know (in a positive way) that at your house students who show more autonomy and initiative have greater control over when they do homework. This gives them an incentive to show you they have it all under control.

The other thing I would suggest is to apologize when you catch yourself micromanaging when it is not deserved. Employees don’t like it, and students don’t like it, either. You mean it as a show of the importance of the outcome, but they take it as a lack of faith in their ability to succeed. If you put yourself in your child’s shoes with regards to how your guidance feels to them, that might help things. If you are honest about how hard it is for you to not “butt in” when it is not warranted, that does help. Everyone understands that temptation, I think. 😃

In a calm moment, encourage your child to give feedback about what kind of help is helpful and what is not. Encourage the child to become a self-advocate with those who are “trying to help.” Learning how to accept help because you have learned to manage it gracefully yet firmly is also a very valuable life skill. Many of us do not know how to accept help from others primarily because we don’t know how to “guard our crayons” once we let someone else in to look around our art studio. We think it is easier to just put up a big KEEP OUT sign, but that isn’t the case when we have learned self-advocacy.
 
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