Tenderness in Marriage?

[sonoftherosary]

Dear CAF,

In paragraph 2370 of the Catholic Catechism, it says, “Periodic continence, that is the methods of birth regulation based on self observation and the use of infertile periods, is in conformity with the objective criteria of morality. These methods respect the bodies of the spouses, encourage TENDERNESS BETWEEN THEM, and favor the education of an authentic freedom.”

I was wondering … what does the word “tenderness” in this context mean? How is there “tenderness” in a marriage? Could any married couples give an explanation???

 

[kptrs]

Dear CAF,

In paragraph 2370 of the Catholic Catechism, it says, “Periodic continence, that is the methods of birth regulation based on self observation and the use of infertile periods, is in conformity with the objective criteria of morality. These methods respect the bodies of the spouses, encourage TENDERNESS BETWEEN THEM, and favor the education of an authentic freedom.”

I was wondering … what does the word “tenderness” in this context mean? How is there “tenderness” in a marriage? Could any married couples give an explanation???

When it’s necessary to abstain from the marital embrace for NFP purposes, married couples can express their love for each other in non-sexual ways - hugging, kissing, holding hands, doing enjoyable activities together, etc. It helps a couple to bond in ways other than sex. At least, that’s what all the NFP proponents say.

 

[RPRPsych]

When it’s necessary to abstain from the marital embrace for NFP purposes, married couples can express their love for each other in non-sexual ways - hugging, kissing, holding hands, doing enjoyable activities together, etc. It helps a couple to bond in ways other than sex. At least, that’s what all the NFP proponents say.

I suppose it could also allude to the fact that NFP requires mutual consent and cooperation, unlike artificial contraception, which can be unilaterally adopted and can lead to the rejection of a spouse’s wishes, or the objectification of a wife. In this sense, NFP scores over artificial contraception in encouraging an authentic husband-wife relationship. (Not saying there aren’t problems with NFP - the “just reasons” clause is in there for a good reason! )

 

[pianistclare]

Well, it doesn’t mean “sex on demand” which we hear so much about on CAF.

Respect. It’s about respect.
Consideration for the other’s feelings.

 

[Mintaka]

What does tenderness mean?

Kindliness, affectionateness, lovingness, gentleness.

Like the song says, “Try a little tenderness.”

 

[Garyjohn2]

Kindliness, affectionateness, lovingness, gentleness.

"

This is pretty much it. You may think “how does abstaining from relations encourage the above things?” I can’t explain it right now, but it does. For me at least.

 

[1ke]

I was wondering … what does the word “tenderness” in this context mean? How is there “tenderness” in a marriage? Could any married couples give an explanation???

Same thing it means in other contexts. What is it you don’t understand?

 

[kptrs]

Same thing it means in other contexts. What is it you don’t understand?

I think the OP is specifically asking how periodic abstinence due to NFP presents an opportunity for tenderness in marriage.

 

[ShrodingersCat]

Well, the way I see it, it’s very easy for couples to just have sex as their only form of intimacy.

Now, a couple using NFP can also fall into that trap, but the abstinence period will make the lack of intimacy stand out; they may begin to feel a bit lonely. So ideally, one would then use the opportunity to work on other areas, such as cuddling, having long chats, anything loving really.

 

[kptrs]

Well, the way I see it, it’s very easy for couples to just have sex as their only form of intimacy.

Now, a couple using NFP can also fall into that trap, but the abstinence period will make the lack of intimacy stand out; they may begin to feel a bit lonely. So ideally, one would then use the opportunity to work on other areas, such as cuddling, having long chats, anything loving really.

Right.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Dear CAF,

In paragraph 2370 of the Catholic Catechism, it says, “Periodic continence, that is the methods of birth regulation based on self observation and the use of infertile periods, is in conformity with the objective criteria of morality. These methods respect the bodies of the spouses, encourage TENDERNESS BETWEEN THEM, and favor the education of an authentic freedom.”

I was wondering … what does the word “tenderness” in this context mean? How is there “tenderness” in a marriage? Could any married couples give an explanation???

I notice that it says tenderness BETWEEN them. Most people seem to be focusing on the (male). Who wants sex being tender to the female who doesn’t. But it also should be tenderness to the person who may be desiring sex. Perhaps both people are desiring it. This is especially the case if one party has to be the “sex police” and the other party feels rejected. Nfp can be cold in rejection if it is not mutually agreed upon.

 

[edlinked]

A good book to expand the understandings that only love gives the responsibility to love and to look for ways of acting love, as you need to decide to act love is “Love and Responsibility” by Karol Wojtyla.

From Love and Responsibility by Karol Wojtyla:

• Personalistic norm: The person is a kind of good to which only love constitutes the proper and fully-mature relation
• There are two profiles of love:
A) The objective profile which is the most important one and which “corrects and guides”, is the affirmation of the value of the person.
B) The subjective profile of love that is divided in:

1. Affectivity: particular sensibility (not excitability) toward the sexual value linked to the “whole human being of the other sex” to “femininity”, to “masculinity”, things not directly linked to the body.
   2)Sensuality: denotes sensibility toward the sexual value linked directly to the body. Sensuality by itself possesses a consumer orientation, the “body” is at times experienced as “a possible object of use.”

“ For Wojtyla the relation to another man does not merely depend on the fact of him being an end in himself, but also on him being ordained to ends outside of himself that are perfective of him (and of his freedom), and ultimately to God as his final end. Man unalike as other animals has self determination (free will), and is and should be self reliant in his actions, has an interiority which no one can take, and is incommunicable to the other, and no one can will in his stead. “

 

[edlinked]

**Something about tenderness in love:
{"
“Accordingly, it is necessary to call for even greater responsibility in granting a woman and a man the “right to tenderness”, both with regard to receiving as well as showing it. A tendency certainly exists – especially in some people— to widen these rights, to take premature advantage of them, while we are presented in both persons merely with the arousal of affectivity and sensuality with it, yet the objective profile of love and the union of persons are still missing. This premature tenderness in interaction between X and Y at times even destroys love or at least does not allow it to be developed in full, in all its interior as well as objective truth…

Without the virtue of temperance, without chastity and self mastery, it is impossible to educate and develop tenderness in man, so that it does not hinder love but serves it. For a serious danger occurs of some shallow, superficial lived experience of love and at the same time its “consumption” (i.e., using up the material from which love is formed in a woman and a man). Within limits of such lived experience both persons will fail in the effort to reach love’s objective profile and the proper good, but will remain with purely subjective manifestations, deriving from them merely ephemeral pleasures. Then love, instead of constantly beginning anew and constantly growing between them, quite the contrary, constantly, so to speak, ends and breaks off. Let us add that among other things a great deal depends here on the correct education of tenderness, on the responsibility for its manifestations….

Tenderness has an enormous role to fulfill here. When thoroughly joined with true love of the person, and being disinterested, it is capable of leading love out of various dangers of egoism of the senses, out of the dangers of the attitude to use. Tenderness is the ability to feel the whole man, the whole person, in all, even the most hidden movements of his soul, but always bearing in mind the true good of that person….

It may seem strange that the reflections on tenderness are located in this part of the chapter, which speaks of the problem of abstinence. (This chapter is The Person and Chastity)
However, there is a close connection and the reflections here are in their proper place. There can be no true tenderness without mature continence, which has its source in the will that is always ready to love, thus consistently overcoming the attitude to use imposed by sensuality and the concupiscence of the flesh. Without this continence the natural energies of sensuality and the energies of affectivity absorbed in their orbit will become mere material for egoism of the senses, and eventually for egoism of affection. This must be clearly and explicitly stated. Life teaches this at every step. The faithful know that behind this lies the mystery of original sin, whose consequences weigh in some particular way on the sphere of sexus and threatens the person, the greatest good among those of the created universe. This danger in a sense borders on love: what can be developed on the basis of the same material is true love, a union of persons, as well as ostensible “love”, which merely provides a cover for the interior attitude to use, for egoism that contradicts love. How enormous and in effect how positive a role abstinence fulfills here, for it liberates from that attitude and from egoism, and thereby indirectly forms love. The love of a woman and a man cannot be built otherwise than through a certain sacrifice and denial of oneself. We find the formula for this denial in the Gospel, in the words of Christ: “Whoever wishes to come after me, let him deny himself….” (see Mt 16:24, Mk 8:34, or Lk 9:23) The Gospel teaches abstinence as a way of loving.”
"} From “Love and Responsibility” by Karol Wojtyla