Terrible Family Situation

[lovedance4ever]

Hey all, I promise this post is not as stupid as my other petty problems lol. Laughter aside, this is an urgent and very unhappy situation.

Let me give you a little background first. My parents and I moved to our current home when I was two years old. We live in a double, two bedrooms in the first apartment, two bedrooms upstairs. My father (who is a VERY big-hearted man) did not want to rent out to complete strangers, and invited my aunt (my mom’s sister) to move into the upstairs apartment. Now, my mom knowing all of her sister’s ideosyncrasies, advised against this, but my father insisted that it would be alright.

Well it was alright for the first year or so, but then there was the family picnic (on my mom’s side). My mother, father, aunt, and I (mind you, I was only three at the time) took the van and headed to the park. When we got there, Aunt Cindy (that’s what we’ll call her) headed to greet her relatives without thinking to help us. My father was exhausted, and mumbled under his breath “gee, you could at least help us.” Now maybe that was not the greatest thing to say, but he certainly did not deserve the response he got.

Aunt Cindy blew a gasket, in every essence of the word. She went around screaming at the top of her lungs, telling all of the relatives what a “bastard” my father has been. She literally became a monster, there is no other way to describe it. It is like she turns into some other person. On the ride home, my father told her to move out, but she begged for his forgiveness and said she would “never do it again.” And in his bighearted way, he accepted it and moved on.

Living with Aunt Cindy became more and more horrible when I was pressured into taking piano lessons with her when I was four years old. She was horrible to me, screaming when I hit a wrong note, rolling her eyes, pushing my hands away and insulting me. I eventually quit (thanks to my daddy), but to this day, she makes fun of me for “never getting out of the first grade book.”

But then Aunt Sally moved in, who was long-time friend of both my mom and Aunt Cindy. Aunt Sally was the polar opposite of Aunt Cindy, and quickly earned the title of aunt. She played dolls with me, taught me how to draw, and did not frighten me the way Aunt Cindy did. I adored her and still do. Well, Aunt Cindy has an extremely jealous streak, and I remember huge blowouts between her and my parents, because she was jealous of my relationship with Aunt Sally. It was a living nightmare for me and I was only five.

The fights about Aunt Sally and me eventually simmered down, but my aunt’s temper about other things didn’t. One time when my mother and father were out and I was the only one in our apartment, my Aunt Cindy came downstairs to chat. We got onto the topic of a difficult family situation (which is a whole other story), and disagreed on something. I politely said, “Aunt Cindy, I would rather not speak about this right now,” and I do not know why, but that hit her the wrong way, because she was screaming at the top of her lungs like she had before at the picnic. I was PETRIFIED. She was jumping around the room, swinging her coat around and got right up in my face. I was so scared that I locked myself in the bathroom, listening to her pound on the door. After she left, I called my mom and begged her to come home.

Nothing was done about that situation, and my aunt again apologized saying that she would “never do it again.”

Which brings me to our current situation. Aunt Cindy still does not like it when Aunt Sally and I do things together, and so Auntie Sally and I usually have to sneak out of the house or sadly have to lie about what it is we are doing, otherwise she will either invite herself along, or complain about not having been invited. Well, this Saturday like every Saturday, Aunt Sally and I planned to go to lunch and then to a book store. Everything was all set, until Aunt Cindy came downstairs. She had not gotten much sleep, and was in an even worse than usual mood. She said she wanted to go out to eat and asked if anyone wanted to go with her. We said we had plans, but did not really say anything other than that. Aunt Cindy remains silent, and then quietly goes upstairs without any other word. We knew we were in for it, and we were. My mom got a phone call from her, complaining about how “no one ever wants to do anything with her.”

I went and took a shower while this was going on. As I was drying my hair, I thought someone had stepped on our dog’s tail, because I heard screeching. I turned the hairdryer off, and realized it was Aunt Cindy screaming at Aunt Sally. The dialogue went like this (and I will have to alter it a bit):

“I hate you! You stole Christa from me! You’re an fing b*! I hate you!”

She slammed the door, and went upstairs. Aunt Sally had remained silent through the whole attack, even thought she had been all up in her face. Not five minutes later, Aunt Cindy came downstairs and began to apologize profusely, just like the other horrible attacks.

Luckily, this attack was in front of my father and mother, so they could see what I had been facing for many years. (continued below)

 

[lovedance4ever]

(continued)

To condense the past few days in a paragraph, it was hell and my parents have decided to move - without Aunt Cindy. We cannot tolerate it anymore. Besides the random attacks, she insinuates herself into discussions that should be between my parents and myself. She tells me what to do, even though I am 19 years old and she is not my parent. I have to hide my facebook statuses from her, because she criticizes everything I write. When I go out on dates with guys, I hide it from her (not my parents, though) because she says things like “don’t have sex,” or “if he dumps you, will you be upset?” It’s constant negativity. She does not like it when my parents and I go somewhere together and do not invite her. And it’s not like we don’t; we just want to have family time, between mom, dad, and daughter. Most aunts are not as involved as that!

But this whole situation is now miserable. I know my mom is pissed off at me and my father, because we are really pushing for this move. Part of her does want to move, of course, but I really think that there is another part of her that does not want to be taken away from her sister. When all of this happened on Saturday, I threatened to move out, because I cannot take the stress anymore. It has beyond horrible, I do not even know how else to describe it.

My parents have been fighting, because my mom is leaning on our side, but still a little bit on the side of my mentally ill aunt. Aunt Cindy has agreed to get mental help, but denies the severity of her situation; she does not believe she reacts as badly as she does.

We need to move anyway. Our house is too small for us now, and my parents have physical difficulties and now need first floor laundry. I am also in need of more room and privacy than before, and so a move to a bigger, more practical home would be a great decision. The problem is living in this…hell hole until then; constant arguing and sadness. I do not know what to do.

One more statement I want to make before I wrap up; it is not as though we never do anything with my aunt, we just limit what we do because of how uncomfortable it can be to be with her. I just wanted to say that, because I did not want you thinking that we cast her to the side; she is down for dinner EVERYDAY even though she has her own apartment! She is in our place more than she is in hers!

Any ideas? I am so sorry for the length of this post; I wanted to give the history so it would make more sense. God bless you all and please pray for me and my family.

 

[EasterJoy]

PFfffeeeww. This is tough, because I think your family has done its work to show you’re in a “don’t throw your pearls before swine” situation. For instance, if you had stepped in after Aunt Cindy abused Aunt Sally and told her the truth–that Aunt Cindy was sleeping in a bed entirely of her own making, and the things that would mend your relationship are in her hands, and no one else’s–I’m guess that just the thought of doing that makes you want to lock yourself in the bathroom. It wouldn’t just not work. It would be explosive.

Stay off Aunt Cindy’s radar and move as quickly as you can…including finding a place to live with someone other than your parents, if you have to. If Aunt Cindy does get healthy social contacts, it will be with people who can set very strong boundaries and who Aunt Cindy will accept telling her that they’ve had their dose of “Cindy” for the day. If is funny, but explosive people do sometimes find friends that they value exactly because they will “tell it like it is”.

You are not that person. Your dad is not that person. She may need that, but she’s not remotely likely to ever let her immediate family into that role, at least not first, and constructive confrontation has to be something she chooses to allow. Try to explain to your mother that it is impossible to live with someone who won’t allow communication and who won’t allow personal space, and especially someone who engages in personal attacks and criticisms on a regular basis. IOW, Mom, you were right in the first place, and this is not something we’re doing to Cindy. It is what Cindy is doing to herself. Our only choice in this is whether or not we’re going to let her do it to us, too.

People with mental health problems who are not candidates for institutionalization are people who have to be allowed to take responsibility for the natural consequences of their actions. In other words, Cindy has issues, but Cindy isn’t deranged. She doesn’t get carte blanche. Moving out isn’t a draconian consequence in this case. It is a natural consequence. Just try to stay off her radar until it happens. Avoid all engagement that promises to get personal, and when it gets personal, fade out as quickly as possible. If someone is going to initiate an about-face in your relationship, it has to be Aunt Cindy, and she’ll probably need professional help to manage even starting that. Your departure may prompt her to do that, but at any rate it will allow your family to live in some peace.

 

[sacred_words]

Argh!!! So sorry you have to deal with the likes of these toads!

Like EasterJoy said, if i were you, i’d distance myself from them as much as possible until the move. The less you see of them, the better, if for no other reason than for your own sanity and emotional well being. You’re in a bad place right now, and you don’t need their drama and negativity on top of it.

When Aunt Cindy comes over, could you leave the house and go somewhere? Even if it’s just to the park or the mall. It’s totally unfair, you shouldn’t have to leave. After all, it’s your house and not hers, but if that’s what it takes to avoid her, then do so. Even if you have to do it by bike, by bus or on foot.

Keep your head up. I’ll be thinking of you.

 

[maltmom]

I feel so sorry for your family. I will be praying for all of you.

 

[TriciaF]

I’ve read others of your posts and threads, but this one is a good reminder that we never know how much pressure and how many issues anyone else has endured and are still enduring.
I hope that you and your mom and dad can unite to make the decision that is best for your own family unit.

Your aunt has had a good free ride for a long time and maybe she needs to take responsibility for her own welfare including her mental health now, just as most of us have to do. It isn’t helpful to keep pandering to someone who’s abusive and who thinks 'sorry ’ gets a free pardon to do it all again. It just helps to confirm them in their poor and dependent behavior. It’s not as kind was loved ones might think.

I hope it works out for the best for your family and for your aunts, which doesn’t mean exactly as your aunts wish, but as what is really best for them as adults.

 

[lovedance4ever]

PFfffeeeww. This is tough, because I think your family has done its work to show you’re in a “don’t throw your pearls before swine” situation. For instance, if you had stepped in after Aunt Cindy abused Aunt Sally and told her the truth–that Aunt Cindy was sleeping in a bed entirely of her own making, and the things that would mend your relationship are in her hands, and no one else’s–I’m guess that just the thought of doing that makes you want to lock yourself in the bathroom. It wouldn’t just not work. It would be explosive.

Stay off Aunt Cindy’s radar and move as quickly as you can…including finding a place to live with someone other than your parents, if you have to. If Aunt Cindy does get healthy social contacts, it will be with people who can set very strong boundaries and who Aunt Cindy will accept telling her that they’ve had their dose of “Cindy” for the day. If is funny, but explosive people do sometimes find friends that they value exactly because they will “tell it like it is”.

You are not that person. Your dad is not that person. She may need that, but she’s not remotely likely to ever let her immediate family into that role, at least not first, and constructive confrontation has to be something she chooses to allow. Try to explain to your mother that it is impossible to live with someone who won’t allow communication and who won’t allow personal space, and especially someone who engages in personal attacks and criticisms on a regular basis. IOW, Mom, you were right in the first place, and this is not something we’re doing to Cindy. It is what Cindy is doing to herself. Our only choice in this is whether or not we’re going to let her do it to us, too.

People with mental health problems who are not candidates for institutionalization are people who have to be allowed to take responsibility for the natural consequences of their actions. In other words, Cindy has issues, but Cindy isn’t deranged. She doesn’t get carte blanche. Moving out isn’t a draconian consequence in this case. It is a natural consequence. Just try to stay off her radar until it happens. Avoid all engagement that promises to get personal, and when it gets personal, fade out as quickly as possible. If someone is going to initiate an about-face in your relationship, it has to be Aunt Cindy, and she’ll probably need professional help to manage even starting that. Your departure may prompt her to do that, but at any rate it will allow your family to live in some peace.

Thank you for your response, EasterJoy. Unfortunately, I do not think we will be moving as fast as I would like. My family is not poor, but we do not have the best financial situation at the moment. Buying a house is by no means out of the question, but it is difficult to find a decent home that is close to where my mom works and that is in our price range. Another issue is that my parents are both older (dad is 60, mom is 59), and it is not as easy for them to pick up and move; yes, I am 19 and more than willing to help, but I also have college to worry about and juggling the two will be difficult.

And so I ask you to please pray for us. My parents argue daily, as my mom seems to be taking my aunt’s (that is, Aunt Cindy’s) side more and more each day. I feel as though she looks at me like I am some sort of criminal for still be angry with her and what she has done. I also have to deal with my father’s continuous complaints about my mother, which stresses me out even more than I already am. I am searching desperately for a part-time job, which will at least take me out of the home for a little while each day.

On top of it all, the people who I thought would let me stay with them for a while, don’t want me. So it is all very depressing.

Thanks again for your thoughtful response (and for listening to my complaints).

God bless

 

[lovedance4ever]

Argh!!! So sorry you have to deal with the likes of these toads!

Like EasterJoy said, if i were you, i’d distance myself from them as much as possible until the move. The less you see of them, the better, if for no other reason than for your own sanity and emotional well being. You’re in a bad place right now, and you don’t need their drama and negativity on top of it.

When Aunt Cindy comes over, could you leave the house and go somewhere? Even if it’s just to the park or the mall. It’s totally unfair, you shouldn’t have to leave. After all, it’s your house and not hers, but if that’s what it takes to avoid her, then do so. Even if you have to do it by bike, by bus or on foot.

Keep your head up. I’ll be thinking of you.

Thanks so much for taking the time to write to me again, sacred_words.

Unfortunately, the move will not be happening for at least six months (six months of hell), unless we get lucky. With winter approaching, it will be nearly impossible for us to prepare our home to be sold. Both my parents are older and have a difficult time getting around, and although I am more than capable of helping, I still have my college classes to deal with.

Please pray that the daily arguments between my parents will stop, as well as my father’s rantings and ravings to me about my mother. She seems to be siding with Aunt Cindy more and more each day, and gets really angry with me and my father because we are still angry about what happened. Of course she has a right to feel badly for her mentally ill sister, but don’t you think it is a little much to choose sides with your sister over your husband and child? Maybe I am wrong, I don’t know.

At any rate, I am working on getting a part-time job, which will at the least, get me out of the house for some time during the day. Unfortunately, the people who I thought would take me in during this tough time, don’t want me. Ugh.

Thank you again for listening to my ramblings on. Please keep me and my family in your prayers when you think about it.

God bless.

 

[lovedance4ever]

I feel so sorry for your family. I will be praying for all of you.

Thank you so much, maltmom. God bless!

 

[lovedance4ever]

I’ve read others of your posts and threads, but this one is a good reminder that we never know how much pressure and how many issues anyone else has endured and are still enduring.
I hope that you and your mom and dad can unite to make the decision that is best for your own family unit.

Your aunt has had a good free ride for a long time and maybe she needs to take responsibility for her own welfare including her mental health now, just as most of us have to do. It isn’t helpful to keep pandering to someone who’s abusive and who thinks 'sorry ’ gets a free pardon to do it all again. It just helps to confirm them in their poor and dependent behavior. It’s not as kind was loved ones might think.

I hope it works out for the best for your family and for your aunts, which doesn’t mean exactly as your aunts wish, but as what is really best for them as adults.

Thank you for your response, TriciaF. We are still planning on moving, but it is going to take at least six months to get everything together (unless we get lucky). The problem now (since Aunt Cindy has settled down a little bit…for now) is dealing with my parents’ continuous arguments; my mom leans more towards the side of my aunt, which angers my dad, because he feels that she has a duty to the two of us as a wife and mother. I feel the same. Both of them have been in very bad moods since this has happen, and I have been extremely depressed. It is just a very unhappy situation overall.

Please keep us all in your prayers if you think of it. Thank you again.

God bless

 

[EasterJoy]

Thank you for your response, TriciaF. We are still planning on moving, but it is going to take at least six months to get everything together (unless we get lucky). The problem now (since Aunt Cindy has settled down a little bit…for now) is dealing with my parents’ continuous arguments; my mom leans more towards the side of my aunt, which angers my dad, because he feels that she has a duty to the two of us as a wife and mother. I feel the same. Both of them have been in very bad moods since this has happen, and I have been extremely depressed. It is just a very unhappy situation overall.

Please keep us all in your prayers if you think of it. Thank you again.

God bless

You might try doing some research to see what kind of options you have for family counselling…without Aunt Cindy. If some agreements can be reached about what is and is not possible, about what messages are being interpreted (though not spoken), and so on, that might lighten the stress level a bit. Can you talk to your pastor for advice? A counsellor at school? It might do you good to have a professional (and someone unrelated to the situation) to talk to, and someone “with skin on”, unlike all of us.

Yes, we’ll pray for you.

 

[lovedance4ever]

You might try doing some research to see what kind of options you have for family counselling…without Aunt Cindy. If some agreements can be reached about what is and is not possible, about what messages are being interpreted (though not spoken), and so on, that might lighten the stress level a bit. Can you talk to your pastor for advice? A counsellor at school? It might do you good to have a professional (and someone unrelated to the situation) to talk to, and someone “with skin on”, unlike all of us.

Yes, we’ll pray for you.

Yes, absolutely. I have been considering speaking to a counselor on campus. My aunt actually went to see her counselor the other day, which was a good start. And I certainly need to see one to deal with all of this. As far as my parents go, though, I will mention it to them, but I do not think they will agree to see a counselor themselves.

Thank you for your prayers.

 

[aicirt]

Has Aunt Cindy ever had a complete medical examination? The woman appears to need meds. She apparently has been unstable way before she came to live with your family 13 years ago.

 

[Oh_Charlotte]

Poor you! Getting out is so past due!

You could suggest to your Mom that she stay with Aunt Cindy and you move out with Dad. I know you don’t mean this, but she needs to make a decision, and stick with her family, or with Aunt Cindy! She must choose! Looks like she is choosing her sister now, so she should just go with it! You can be calm when you suggest it, like, “Mom, I really know you will be happiest to be with your sister. I love you, and I will miss you, but I want you to do what you want. I release you to do that!”

All that said just to bring the reality to the forefront: she is favoring her sister over her own family.

You all need peace and Aunt Cindy has been given free reign to disturb it.

Cindy needs boundaries and your Mom would rather her sister abuse and wreckyour peace than go to the trouble to make boundaries with her to protect you. She is already picking Aunt Cindy over you! You could point that out to her.

Maybe you and Aunt Sally could get a place.

Or you can find a friend’s family to live with for a time. To just let Mom and Dad know you seriously need distance from her.

It was nice in your story when you told of Aunt Sally’s coming. She sure seemed like a gift of God to you.

This book, written about on this website, might be helpful, even though its for parents of wayward adult children. Consider Aunt Cindy a wayward big adult kid.

focusonthefamily.com/parenting/parenting_challenges/set_boundaries_with_adult_kids.aspx

You can call Focus on the Family and talk about this problem, and someone will direct you to other reading or suggestions. Calling a time or two to discuss your problems and get advice and suggestions is free.

Some years back I called, right when I was stricken in a crisis with my ex. A counselor there, a long-time veteran counselor there, last name, Kennedy, sang to me. Some hymn about God’s care. I’ll never forget that (even though I forget just what hymn it was at the moment!)