Terrible Husband

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jed1801

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I am a married father of 2. I grew up in a protestant church, but never had been really religious until recently. This past summer, after intense curiosity about the Catholic Church, I felt the call to start RCIA with a local parish. I love the Church and everything it has to offer, and I am excited to receive the Eucharist when the time comes. That’s the good news. Now for the bad.

I started realizing that I had a problem with pornography and masturbation. It was never something that I thought about, it just was something I did when I felt the urge to do so. I never felt guilt about it or anything. Only once I started my journey with the Catholic Church did I start examining my life and think about what I was doing. My rock bottom occurred when pornography led to an inappropriate session with a woman on webcam.

Since then, I have been overwhelmed with extreme guilt each and every day. I have had a few slip ups with masturbation, but have quit pornography cold turkey soon after the incident I describe above. My extreme guilt has forced me to confess to my wife my problem with pornography and masturbation. The conversation went very well, I believe she has forgiven me and trusts that I fully intend to kick all these bad habits and become a better husband. I did not tell her, however, about the webcam incident. I was afraid.

I am so terrified that because this one mistake I made, I could lose her forever. I feel like a horrible husband and father.

My experience with the Church so far has made me realize that I have areas to improve and it’s making me want to be a better person. I also believe that that my “rock bottom” event is/will play a role in having stronger faith than I ever have in my life. I loved my wife before but I never knew how much I loved her until recently, and how much my actions can hurt her. I plan on going to confession within the next week or so to confess my sins.

How can I ever make up for what I’ve done?

Please pray for me. I need it badly.
 
Jed, you’re doing your best now. As you say, you weren’t previously aware of sin in some of these areas. God has given you the graces of repentance and faith. Today is a new beginning. Mary of Magdala was a sinner. She was not rejected by Jesus or His chosen twelve, nor were all the details of her sins made public. She became a dear friend of Jesus and was with His Mother at the foot of the cross.
It was to her that Jesus revealed His resurrection and sent her to inform the apostles that He was risen from the dead.
“For this reason I say to you, her sins, which are many, have been forgiven, for she loved much…” [Luke 7:47]

Therefore, love much! Love, with practical love, patience and kindness to your wife, children, and others.

Contrition
Loving Father, I have sinned against others, against myself, and against You. I am unworthy to be Your child. I have offended Your goodness and Your dream of who I really am. I may have denied You the joy of blessings that You wish for me and for others through me. You alone know the entire consequences of my failure.

Yet Jesus assures us that You joyfully celebrate my return from sin, and run to welcome and reclaim me as Your own. Therefore, with Your grace, I want to value myself as Your child, knowing that all worth and holiness comes from You.

In trust, I will not accuse myself for sins already forgiven and absolved or for temptation if I have not actually sinned. I believe that temptation can be overcome by Your grace, inspiring greater faithfulness to the Gospel and the Sacraments.

Look on those tasks of love and service that I fail to undertake or to complete, and bring them to completion. Please bring out of my failures, such fruits of these new opportunities enhanced beyond all previous expectation, for from our human betrayal of Your divine plan of Creation, Your mercy wrought the magnificent plan of redemption that reverberates through time and eternity!

In Your mercy, please transform into good all that in weakness or ignorance I may spoil. Please give blessing that is abundant beyond original possibility, to anyone I ever harm or deprive. May I so belong to You, may I be so transformed by Your love, that my faults no longer can foster anything that impedes Your will. This, my soul in trusting confidence implores.
 
You assure us through Isaiah, our God,
“I have dispelled your faults like a cloud
your sins like a mist
Come back to me, for I have redeemed you.” [Isaiah 44:22]

Furthermore, You proclaim:
“Happy those whose crimes are forgiven, whose sins are blotted out; happy the man whom the Lord considers sinless.” [Psalm 31:1-2] For through Your Son, You have “cancelled every record of the debt that we had to pay; He has done away with it by nailing it to the cross.” [Colossians 2:14-15]

Therefore, our God it is not presumptuous to ask that we may be healed of our faults and freed from our sin. Indeed, You have said:

“No need to recall the past,
no need to think about what was before.
See I am doing a new deed,
even now, it comes to light; can you not see it?
Yes, I am making a road in the wilderness,
paths in the wild.” [Isaiah 43:18-19]
 
Looks like your a sinner…wait, so am I:eek:

The truth is that that fact that you are making an effort to combat this issue is something to be proud of. Once you control it, you have so much more freedom. The desire no longer controls you, you control it.
 
Your heart is being transformed into a new heart. This is what Jesus wants to do.

I too have a very similar journey. I don’t know if I will perfect not giving into my sinful habits before I leave this earth, but I pray every day and often many times a day about it.

You are doing it right. Let the word and the Holy Spirit convict and convert you into a new man. Let your heart be set on fire for God.

I am proud of you and will pray for your continued conversion and increase in faith.
 
I have to say, if you’ve actually managed to quit pornography cold turkey, your willpower alone is testament to your love for your wife and God.

I love my wife deeply, but I have yet to be able to completely kick the habit; so if you’ve managed that step you’re definitely on the right path. As to the webcam thing, as others have said, your past sins are forgiven, and you are resolved never to commit such an act again. As such, I think prudence would suggest you just not bring it up; not so much to avoid the trouble it would cause you, but to avoid the heartache it would cause her.
 
I am not sure that it would be a good idea to explain in detail the type of Internet sexual behavior you have engaged in. This would be a good thing to ask your confessor about. My husband kicked his porn habit cold turkey, but waited almost a year to fess up because of his shame. His confession made all the pieces fall into place, because there were signs something was wrong but I didn’t know what. What I did not ask, nor do I ever want to know, is what type of porn/Internet sex he viewed. It is enough for me to know that it never went beyond betrayal in the visual realm, and that he is done with it and has been to confession.

Just a thought from a woman who was betrayed, yet who now has a better marriage than I could ever imagine, thanks be to God!
 
Thank you all for your kind words. I know I have a long way to go, but I feel I have come a long way. If these types of incidents bring me closer to God, than maybe it is worth the pain and guilt I feel.

God bless you all.
 
jed1801 said:
Thank you all for your kind words. I know I have a long way to go, but I feel I have come a long way. If these types of incidents bring me closer to God, than maybe it is worth the pain and guilt I feel.

God bless you all.
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Sometimes I think God allows us to fall so that we learn to be humble and not judge others for their weaknesses. It brings us to a place of total dependence upon Him, and installs in us a deep compassion for others. We are ALL sinners. 😊
 
jed1801 said:
I am a married father of 2. I grew up in a protestant church, but never had been really religious until recently. This past summer, after intense curiosity about the Catholic Church, I felt the call to start RCIA with a local parish. I love the Church and everything it has to offer, and I am excited to receive the Eucharist when the time comes. That’s the good news. Now for the bad.

I started realizing that I had a problem with pornography and masturbation. It was never something that I thought about, it just was something I did when I felt the urge to do so. I never felt guilt about it or anything. Only once I started my journey with the Catholic Church did I start examining my life and think about what I was doing. My rock bottom occurred when pornography led to an inappropriate session with a woman on webcam.

Since then, I have been overwhelmed with extreme guilt each and every day. I have had a few slip ups with masturbation, but have quit pornography cold turkey soon after the incident I describe above. My extreme guilt has forced me to confess to my wife my problem with pornography and masturbation. The conversation went very well, I believe she has forgiven me and trusts that I fully intend to kick all these bad habits and become a better husband. I did not tell her, however, about the webcam incident. I was afraid.

I am so terrified that because this one mistake I made, I could lose her forever. I feel like a horrible husband and father.

My experience with the Church so far has made me realize that I have areas to improve and it’s making me want to be a better person. I also believe that that my “rock bottom” event is/will play a role in having stronger faith than I ever have in my life. I loved my wife before but I never knew how much I loved her until recently, and how much my actions can hurt her. I plan on going to confession within the next week or so to confess my sins.

How can I ever make up for what I’ve done?

Please pray for me. I need it badly.
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Please do not let your guilt over what you did, convince you to confess to your wife. I’m not saying it’s good to lie to her, but neither do you need to necessarily tell her every sin you’ve committed. That is what we do in the confessional with Jesus! I don’t know if your wife would leave you if you told her, but there is that possibility. And since you are totally repentant and are taking steps to change your bad habits, why would you risk tearing your family apart because of your guilt?

I’m sure some others will disagree with me, but I believe in confessing to Jesus through the priest. That doesn’t work for some sins, such as true adultery, but in this case, I cannot see how telling your wife about the webcam would be helpful in any way.
 
Since you are searching, I recommend Three To Get Married by Fulton Sheen. I have found it a very helpful book.
 
Confess to the priest and after you’ve confessed, if you still feel like you ought to tell your wife, then maybe you should; if after Confession you feel like you’ve put it behind you, then maybe not. Also ask the priest his opinion, he’s probably heard things like this before. I forgot where I heard this but confessing outright turned out to be the penance once.
 
This is wonderful news that you came to realize your wrong doing, why don’t you consult with a priest. Some places has excellent counseling.

This is me, but if my husband would come clean with all of his wrong doing without for me to find out, i would start to trust him.

Pray and ask for guidance, perhaps, you will have courage to admit the truth to your wife.

I cannot advise you because i am not a counselor but i know that to me, i would admire my husband for being honest. Don’t try to make excuse for your action and be prepare that your wife will bring up the subject on a few occasion, she will need time to heal too from this betrayal. You may not see it this way but it was adultery.

Pray, and ask for guidance. If you haven’t start it yet, consider the rosary with the mystery and also the rosary of Mercy. Favor are granted when we do this but most of all, do this for others to help them to find the true path.

I pray for all the perfect miracle for your family highest good, for God to bless your marriage and for you and beloved wife to grow closer to God always.

Amen
 
Thank you all again for your honesty and compassion. I will truly reflect on your advice. I have spent a lot of time praying lately about this and other things.

Based on the kindness in this community it is easy to see that this is the Church for me and I look forward to continuing my journey.
 
jed1801 said:
Thank you all again for your honesty and compassion. I will truly reflect on your advice. I have spent a lot of time praying lately about this and other things.

Based on the kindness in this community it is easy to see that this is the Church for me and I look forward to continuing my journey.
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Welcome home.

👍
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Please do not let your guilt over what you did, convince you to confess to your wife. I’m not saying it’s good to lie to her, but neither do you need to necessarily tell her every sin you’ve committed. That is what we do in the confessional with Jesus! I don’t know if your wife would leave you if you told her, but there is that possibility. And since you are totally repentant and are taking steps to change your bad habits, why would you risk tearing your family apart because of your guilt?

I’m sure some others will disagree with me, but I believe in confessing to Jesus through the priest. That doesn’t work for some sins, such as true adultery, but in this case, I cannot see how telling your wife about the webcam would be helpful in any way.
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Concur…wise counsel and spiritual advice. I would simply add…Don’t listen to the Father of Lies…listen to your real Father in the Holy Spirit through Christ…the Divine Physician. Most importantly…Divine Mercy devotion and pray the Rosary…Blessed Mother Mary…has the Holy Spirit as her Divine Mystical Spouse…He can fix anything she asks him to fix. Count on it… in faith and hope.

Pax Christi
 
I see in reading my previous response, that I mis-worded part of it. When I said “That doesn’t work for some sins, such as true adultery,” what I did NOT mean was that confession doesn’t work - it works for ALL sins including adultery, even murder, anything - there is no limit to God’s mercy. Obviously, anything you truly repent of can be absolved.

What I meant to say is that with something like an affair, the responsibility to tell your wife what you have done becomes greater by an order of magnitude. There could be serious consequences because of your decision to commit adultery, such as a pregnancy, a disease, other people knowing and telling her, etc.

I hope that is more clear.
 
Confession, confession, confession. I find that nothing helps keep me honest like confession, and nothing builds my conscience like a steady state of grace. As for your wife, you may want to look into couples counselling with your priest to help heal that wound. And there will be a wound. But the only way this kind of thing is healed is to treat it.

And to help with your issues, do as you would do with your kids. Keep the computer some place public, in the open. Keep an Icon of Mary near your monitor. Nothing helps curb the impulses of lust like Mama looking down at you.
 
I agree with the others here who have advised you to go to your priest, have confession, and also talk to him about the problem. The urge to masturbate and the strong appeal of feminine sexual beauty are quite normal and natural problems to have, in my opinion at least. The urge to masturbate is quite common especially with men. And sadly pornography has become so easily and freely available these days. But the urges can be overcome with effort. More good news, the problem often gets easier with increased maturity and also the hormonal changes that come with age.
 
I just wanted to point out to others posters that the OP is not a Catholic yet. He is still in RCIA so I don’t believe confession is an option (at least not yet). Am I right about that? However, regardless, there is no reason why he can not speak with a good, holy and “orthodox” priest about his situation.

As a wife, I think I would want my husband to come clean because there is nothing worse than finding things out down the road. I believe that things do come to light no matter how hard we try to bury them. Given where you are now OP, I would like ot think that she would forgive you and thank God that you have found your way back to Christ’s Church…giving special praise to her teachings on sexual morality. You will be an even better husband to her and I think that in the end that is what she will think. It may take her a bit to get over the initial sting, but I think in time things will work itself out.

Good luck and WELCOME HOME!!!

I, too, became Catholic through RCIA almost 15 years ago.
 
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