Terrified of Dying

  • Thread starter Thread starter QwertyGirl
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
Q

QwertyGirl

Guest
I am looking for some help here with a family member. My mom is elderly…in her 90’s…with several serious health problems. She is a very devout Cathlolic, and has been all of her life. I am not, but I am respectful of her beliefs and want her to live as comfortably as possible, especially in the spiritual sense. One reason I hang out at CAF is because the exhange of thoughts and ideas helps me better understand my Mom’s point of view, even if I don’t agree with it at times.

My dad died a couple of years ago, and Mom’s friends and family are dropping like flies. It is what happens when someone reaches her age. She is a go-getter, but has slowed down a lot in the past few years.

Mom is terrified of her own death. I don’t understand it, because i always thought those who were believers should know they are going someplace better when they die. She is a wonderful person and has lived a very good, virtuous life. And yet, she is still terrified of dying. Me, on the other hand…I have never been a believer but have also tried to live a good, virtuous life. I come up short, like we all do, at times. But I have never feared death. I have been through some serious health issues which could have taken my life. I have had that threat over my head, but I just don’t fear it. I could go today and I would be completely fine with it. I don’t rule out the possibility of an afterlife, either (it isn’t as if I just believe, necessarily, that when we die that is the end of existense for us).

So my question to my friends here at CAF is: How can I help my Mom get more comfortable with the idea of death and dying? Can any of you relate to how she feels about it? I have difficulty with this. It seems irrational to me, but I really want to understand. It seems to torment her everytime word of someone dying comes her way, even if she wasn’t really close to the person.

Any (name removed by moderator)ut would be appreciated. It is so sad to watch someone you love suffer over this kind of thing.

Thanks.
 
QwertyGirl said:
How can I help my Mom get more comfortable with the idea of death and dying?
Click to expand...
I don’t believe that you can. As an analogy, consider skydiving. Statistics show that, as long as the parachute is in good order and packed properly, the act itself is quite safe. I know this in my head. And there is absolutely no way that I will ever voluntarily exit a functional aircraft while in flight. The instinct for me is just too strong. Similarly, it is possible that your Mother, no matter how devout and how much she accepts and truly believes that she will go someplace better, when the reality of mortality is staring one in the face, it is a rare person who can look back at it without flinching at least a little.
 
Aww, @QwertyGirl, you are such a good daughter…
I think it is natural for your mom to feel that way as she hears about others dying, she feel closer to it herself. And maybe it isn’t fear so much as just being ready to go yet. Maybe she wants to live to be 100, like I do! 😉

You don’t say whether your mom has had a priest visit and bring her communion, but perhaps that would comfort her. The priest could hear her confession. Maybe she has something on her mind that she is worried about. If she hasn’t had a visit from her parish priest in a while, make an appointment to have him visit her.
 
I suggest an assessment first from a geriatrician and then, other advice, other professionals. In old age some psychological problems can be caused by things as simple as dehydration caused by reluctance drink because of urination frequency. These things are hard to spot and geriatricians are good at it. Then there are specialists who deal with the psychological issues we face as we age. The geriatrician will have some of these skills and know experts. And there are many helpful drugs. I think a sympathetic priest could be of help because of the Church authority your mother will have been brought up with.
 
I’m very short for time so this reply will be brief out of necessity - then I have to run.

Two thoughts come to my mind - is the fear perhaps the fear of how one dies and the fear that one will die in severe pain or some other way?
And the second is perhaps it is the fear of the particular judgement?

If the second, then perhaps the fear may stem from:-
  • not being sure if all past mortal sins have been confessed,
  • or confessed fully,
  • if all past confessions were indeed valid,
  • if past occasions of confession the contrition was not enough,
  • or perhaps there is something which is not truly repented of though being Catholic we know we should.
  • Perhaps it is the fear of being 'rejected" when one does appear before God to be judged and hearing those awful words - “Depart from me … I never knew you …” type of thing?
  • perhaps it is the fear of the suffering of Purgatory or how long one will be in purgatory
I’ll pray for your mother at Christmas Mass.
 
Irishmom2 said:
You don’t say whether your mom has had a priest visit and bring her communion, but perhaps that would comfort her. The priest could hear her confession. Maybe she has something on her mind that she is worried about. If she hasn’t had a visit from her parish priest in a while, make an appointment to have him visit her.
Click to expand...
She goes to daily mass and has a priest who is her spiritual advisor. I suppose it is one reason I try to be so sensitive to her with regards to this issue. Maybe I need to step back and accept that this isn’t something I can “fix”. I am a huge believer in spiritual and faith journies and that no two are exactly the same. Maybe she is right where she is supposed to be, even though it is hard to witness (?)
 
Last edited:
Very good replies here. The only thing I can think of is if your mom doesn’t already have one, you can get her a brown scapular. Your mother is undoubtedly in the state of grace. Give her a scapular to wear and remind her of the promise of the scapular, which you can read about and purchase here at the Sisters of Carmel website. You can buy one at a Catholic gifts shop also, I’m sure. The promise of the brown scapular is that “WHOSOEVER DIES IN THIS GARMENT SHALL NOT SUFFER ETERNAL FIRE.”- promise of Our Lady to St. Simon Stock on July 16, 1251. Here is the website. Good luck. I will pray for your mom’s peace of mind. Sisters of Carmel: Information about the Brown Scapular.
 
QwertyGirl said:
Mom is terrified of her own death. I don’t understand it, because i always thought those who were believers should know they are going someplace better when they die
Click to expand...
There’s the thing right there…

When all’s said and done, the Virtue of Hope within her needs some assisting… cultivating…

You or someone is going to have to remind her and assure her of God and Heaven…
_
 
I was a hospice volunteer and have been at the bedside of those who were dying.

Those who had faith, even if scared to begin with, find peace and comfort in their final hour.

I’ve never seen it differently.

I believe the Holy Spirit gives them the comfort and their guardian angel is there to help them through the transition.

The most you can do is pray for her and be there for her when it comes time.
 
Thanks to everyone for their replies so far. My Mom does everything that has been mentioned. I guess what I am after is investigating if this fear of death is “normal” for people of faith who are her age. (Of course, what is “normal”, right?) Mom is still in full control of her faculties and she is up and around and actually has a pretty active social life. I suppose that is one reason this is a difficult thing to discuss with her. I think the next time she conveys her fear I will suggest maybe her spiritual advisor can help her with that, and I will encourage her to talk it over with him.

Thanks, again, to everyone who has replied so far.
 
Of course it’s normal to have fear of death at this stage.

But it will pass as she comes closer to death.

I have seen what is described as a “Beautiful Death,” as peace and even an expression of joy comes over their face as they pass.
 
Yes. That is how my dad died. Maybe the stark contrast is what I am struggling with. He was ready to go even before he became “terminally” ill. He died very peacefully, and with total acceptance.
 
What I learned in hospice training many years ago is that death is a learning process.

We go through the transition by learning about it.

Death is as natural as birth and just as we experience our new life at birth, so too we will experience our new life at death.
 
There’s your answer, I think. Your mother is still socially active and in control of her faculties despite her health issues. She is not ready to die; she has things to accomplish. So her fear of death, I believe, is not because of final judgment but rather the fear that she will die before she has done all she needs to do in this life. That fear will probably pass when she feels it is her time.
 
For me, I do not fear death. I cringe from the suffering that goes hand in hand with “modern death”. The loss of dignity, the circus that seems to happen around dying.

Have you really talked about her wishes? Does she want extraordinary measures or does she want comfort care in her own home, hospice, etc.? Assure her you will do all within your power to see that her wishes are carried out. That you will make sure she has a priest at the end, that she has a Catholic mass complete with a Rosary vigil, and that you will have Masses said for her (even if you do not believe, you can comfort her with knowing you will have these said.) Your mom has seen what I have seen working at the Church, a Catholic dies, the kids do not practice and they don’t give their parent those last Catholic things.

I can tell by the compassion and love you write with, you will honor your mom’s wishes. Make sure she knows that.

She likely worries about you, that after she dies she will not be there to gently nudge you to Christ. Assure her that the Church teaches those who die in friendship with God will be able to intercede for those they love on earth.
 
That kind of sums it for me. To the OP is your mom scrupulous that you know of? I’m struggling with it and I have those thoughts.
 
That’s what I meant earlier when I said she might want to live to be 100. 😉 She has things to do and people to see yet!

@JimR-OCDS, thank you so much for your insights on this thread. They are most reassuring.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top