Terrified of Dying

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If you can find a good priest, he can not only give her the Anointing of the Sick, but visit her regularly to talk to her about that. That’s something every good diocesan priest could be willing to do.
 
My mom was also a staunch lifelong Catholic who nevertheless did NOT like the idea of dying. She also went through seeing her dad, mom, spouse, and all of her siblings and their spouses, and most of her friends die before she did. She was from a big family so it was hard on her to be left with only a couple people in her life.

The thing is, when Mom finally got very sick in the last year of her life and kind of realized it was the last act, she got surprisingly calm about dying. When the doc pretty much said he didn’t expect her to live, she had me call the priest and run to the bank to get some beneficiary form that she needed to sign. As it turned out, to the doc’s surprise she didn’t die that day but hung around about another 5 months. She would ask me questions like what would I have her wear in the coffin (I said I was thinking maybe her pink suit) and what would happen to her beloved cat (I confirmed that I would continue to take very good care of the cat as I was already doing at that point). We would sing together this gross song from her childhood about death, that she’d been singing to me since I was little just because it was a song she remembered from being a kid. (“The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out.”) She was quite peaceful about dying, though I wouldn’t say she was happy about it.

As Jim said, I think God often “gives people their ticket before they get on the train” to cross over. (That concept is from Corrie Ten Boom’s “The Hiding Place”.) If one has lived a good life, the Lord often will calm the person down in the last act - or else have them go so quick, they don’t have time to be scared.

I don’t think you need to be trying to help your mom adjust to the idea she’s going to die one day. When it’s actually time for her to die, God has a way of taking care of things. She might wind up in a coma and not even be conscious when she goes. She might die very quickly, she might die in her sleep. She might all of a sudden get calm about death when it’s looking her in the face in the hospital. You can ask her maybe why she is scared, and if the cause is something you can help her with, then help her. But if it’s just free floating anxiety then I’d say focus on doing pleasant things with her now.
 
My Mom just passed and she was also a very devout catholic, but was also fearful of death. I am not sure you can get her comfortable with death, my Mom eventually just did on her own and then passed…very peacefully BTW.
 
Thank you, @thelittlelady. My family has had good conversations with my Mom about the arrangements to be made. I don’t think she worries we won’t carry things out the way she has requested, but your post made me think that it can never hurt to periodically reassure her that we understand her wishes and will carry them out. I appreciate you discussing this in your post. It is so important.
 
JoeFreedom said:
That kind of sums it for me. To the OP is your mom scrupulous that you know of? I’m struggling with it and I have those thoughts.
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Not what I would call scrupulous, but definitely has enjoyed her life more when she is in control of things. I think the concept of death is difficult for people who have experienced a real need to be in control of their circumstances at all times in life. She is aware of it though, so hopefully it is something she can make peace with.
 
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Thank you for your thoughtful post, @Tis_Bearself. It sounds like your Mom really did come to terms with dying before she went, and in a healthy and happy way. This is what I hope for my Mom when her time comes. Listening to the experiences of others, in the way you shared yours, encourages me to not feel as if I have to “take this on”. I think being a good listener for my Mom may be what I can do to serve her best.

Thanks so much for sharing your experience with me.
 
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Orange1205 said:
My Mom just passed and she was also a very devout catholic, but was also fearful of death. I am not sure you can get her comfortable with death, my Mom eventually just did on her own and then passed…very peacefully BTW.
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I am so sorry to hear that you recently lost your Mom. Thank you for sharing your experience with me. It really sounds like this is something each individual has to come to terms with in their own way and own time. I am glad your Mom passed peacefully. Such a blessing.
 
I’m very sorry for your recent loss @Orange1205 . May God grant your mom eternal rest.
 
Perhaps your mother is worried about being alone when she dies. Even if there are many people around her when the time comes, including loving children, it is still a solo journey without her mate. She may be missing your father.
 
A good book, you might read it first then share it with her, is Peter Kreeft’s book:


Kreeft has written more books about the afterlife than any author I can think of.
 
The other thought is to reassure her that she will receive (if that is her wish) the Catholic Funeral Rites. From my experience, there is a great fear that they will not receive the correct Funeral Rites. Small but significant worry for some.
 
QwertyGirl said:
Mom is terrified of her own death. I don’t understand it, because i always thought those who were believers should know they are going someplace better when they die.
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It sounds like she experiences thanatophobia ie the fear of the process of dying. It isn’t so much related to her spiritual life but perhaps having had a negative experience of someone dying in difficulty. There have been studies done that show that general care nurses and doctors can suffer this phobia despite dealing with death and dying everyday. Interesting though, palliative care staff who generally witness a very peaceful dying process in their work are less likely to have the same fears.
 
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