Texting etiquette

[EasterJoy]

I can’t help but think the kind thing to do would have been to text ‘good bye’. It is like leaving someone’s house and rushing out without saying bye

The problem is that on the other end it is sometimes necessary to put the phone away and not touch it…to do otherwise would be rude to the person who is with you in real time. This is why it pays to believe the best of the person on the other end. They may have failed to give a polite “goodbye,” but they may have done so because there was no polite way to send such a text.

This is particularly true during working hours and at school!!

When the conversation was trivial and a way to return a text doesn’t present itself for hours, it is understandable that some people will just “let it go.” It is something to have a conversation about with the actual people involved. There is no code; you have to arrive at it together.

 

[EasterJoy]

A short note to me would have a point such as ‘Before you come over, please stop at the store and pick up a loaf of bread please’. If I wrote back ‘sure’, I would not expect a goodbye. But I would write back to let them know if they can count on me or not

But a ‘How was the play’ is an invitation to a conversation.

I guess different people have different styles.

Yes, when you’ve asked after someone you ought to acknowledge their response. I’m only saying that if you imagine other pressing issues that prevented a response, it is easy to imagine how your text got lost in the shuffle. If you get a reputation for being gracious about these things instead of easily offended, you’ll do well, because so many people get so annoyed at someone who “just has to send one more text message.” Others will appreciate your willingness to let them off the hook in order to see to the social niceties with the people directly in front of them, people who ought to take precedence over text messages.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Others will appreciate your willingness to let them off the hook in order to see to the social niceties with the people directly in front of them, people who ought to take precedence over text messages.

I agree we should pay more attention to the people we are with, which is why I don’t text in the first place.

 

[pianistclare]

Texting is a useful tool. It’s not a bad thing. Unless one wants to make it into a bad thing, just as anything can be misused.
But this is a tempest in a teapot.
No big deal.

 

[maryjk]

That option doesn’t exist for me because I refuse to be impolite. I would text back ‘got to go’

See, I don’t see it as impolite.
It’s a text. Not a promise of eternal friendship.
Texting is convenient precisely because of it’s brevity.
If you want a big ol’ conversation with all the bells and whistles. Call.
But a text is just a quick response, or a quick note.

I don’t see it as impolite either.

So often, I receive a text, respond, maybe receive another and then something changes on my end. Maybe I am driving. Talking to my husband, son or boss. Maybe I was seated for a minute, but now I am walking in a crowd.

I find it more impolite to have someone looking at their phone, while they are with me. Or bumping into me because they are texting while walking. And if I see someone texting while driving, look out.

 

[EasterJoy]

I agree we should pay more attention to the people we are with, which is why I don’t text in the first place.

The technology is here, and it is not intrinsically impolite. Texting is a way to exchange snippets of information without the interruption of a phone call. It allows a coach to contact all parents simultaneously about a field change or the premature rain-out of a practice session, for instance. It allows people to be available on a limited basis when they would have otherwise had to stay home near a phone.

The key is to be responsible about it. Our rule is that if you receive or send text messages, you do it under the same circumstances you would have accepted a message from a waiter that you had a phone call in the old days. If you look at your phone during a meal, you say why you’re looking at it, and if you choose to answer a text you explain why it can’t wait. It had better be a good reason, such as, “Sorry, but Junior has gotten his favorite blanket filthy and I need to text the sitter where to find his other one, so maybe he’ll quit screaming. This will only take a minute…Sorry about that. Thanks for indulging us; we’re trying to get Junior used to this new sitter, so we can get out more.” Sending this text will disrupt the meal less than leaving the table to take a call. Most dinner partners will be more than willing to indulge a break in attention so that Junior can have such an important need seen to. It would be rude, however, for Mom to have an ongoing conversation with home about things that can wait or could have been seen to before she left home.

It is like the way Miss Manners described using an answering machine to screen phone calls. She assured her gentle readers that this function used to be fulfilled by a butler or housemaid, who would inform drop-bys that "Madam is not ‘at home.’ " The caller realized they did not necessarily mean that Madam was not on the premises. It meant that she was not receiving guests.

Some people think it is rude to not answer your phone or to decide to take this call and let that one go to voicemail, but this is not so. It is rude to expect you own someone day or night just because you have their phone number. It is the same way with text messages. The most gracious way is probably a middle ground from which you accept some texts some of the time, rather all texts all of the time or no texts any of the time.

Most of all, realize that you are not Miss Manners, and you do not have the authority to deem other people rude because they do send text messages. If you don’t like to communicate that way, that is your prerogative. Don’t be self-righteous about your choice, though, implying that you are more socially advanced or caring of your fellow human being than people who use this technology. *That *would be rude, and will probably not endear you in your social circle.

 

[Anglewannabe]

.

Most of all, realize that you are not Miss Manners, and you do not have the authority to deem other people rude because they do send text messages. If you don’t like to communicate that way, that is your prerogative. Don’t be self-righteous about your choice, though, implying that you are more socially advanced or caring of your fellow human being than people who use this technology. *That *would be rude, and will probably not endear you in your social circle.

I never said people should not text. I am just saying I honestly don’t understand that for of communication

 

[Anglewannabe]

So often, I receive a text, respond, maybe receive another and then something changes on my end. Maybe I am driving. Talking to my husband, son or boss. Maybe I was seated for a minute, but now I am walking in a crowd.

.

I understand that something could change on your end. For example, the other night I was talking on the phone with a friend and her doorbell rang. She said to me ‘excuse me can you hold the door bell rang’ to which I responded ‘sure’ As far as I am concerned she could have also said 'The doorbell rang I got to hang up. And that would be an equally acceptable option. What I will NEVER understand is why when texting, if the door bell rings, one does not text ‘The door bell rang got to go’.

I am mixing this up with chat rooms? Is that the problem?

Angie

 

[pianistclare]

I understand that something could change on your end. For example, the other night I was talking on the phone with a friend and her doorbell rang. She said to me ‘excuse me can you hold the door bell rang’ to which I responded ‘sure’ As far as I am concerned she could have also said 'The doorbell rang I got to hang up. And that would be an equally acceptable option. What I will NEVER understand is why when texting, if the door bell rings, one does not text ‘The door bell rang got to go’.

I am mixing this up with chat rooms? Is that the problem?

Angie

Texting is not so much about conversation. It’s snippets. Brief messages. If one wants to discuss something, then phone.
For ex: My daughter texts:
Can you bring home bottled water?
Me: yes.
Her: What time are you getting home:
Me: around 9.

End of story. I don’t need to say, Ok then, I love you baby, make sure the house doors are locked. I COULD say that…but if I was so inclined I would have dialed.

Testing is generally less structured than conversation. Things get across, yes, but not in great detail. If many details and lots of back and forth are necessary or desired, one should just phone. I much prefer that people text me. That way I don’t spend 10 minutes away from my work with the pleasantries of how are you, how are your kids, what 's new at your house yada yada. My co-workers get annoyed.
I can get to the point. Did you receive the parcel? great. thanks.
Back to work.

 

[pensmama87]

I am mixing this up with chat rooms? Is that the problem?

Maybe. Like I said before, I treat them like email. I don’t expect texts to be a conversation happening in real time (though sometimes it happens that way.)

 

[Bruised_Reed]

I can’t help but think the kind thing to do would have been to text ‘good bye’. It is like leaving someone’s house and rushing out without saying bye

That option doesn’t exist for me because I refuse to be impolite. I would text back ‘got to go’

If texting worked like this my every third text would be “brb” or “got to go”. That’s really final for a conversation that is ongoing. However if my friend and I are texting a heavy conversation and I need to be someplace or whatever, yes, then I will let her know I won’t be available.

Generally, texting is more like a telegram than a phone conversation.

 

[EasterJoy]

I never said people should not text. I am just saying I honestly don’t understand that for of communication

It’s just my opinion, but the technology of text-messaging is so new that I don’t think that many people do understand it. We don’t know where to put it as a way of communicating, don’t know how other people take it (or don’t take it), don’t always remember that as communication it is both ephemeral and yet permanent, convenient and yet intrusive, trivial and yet sometimes powerful. We don’t think of our phones as sources of evidence of where we have been, who has been in communication with us, what we’ve been talking about and learning from others. (If “Deflategate” had happened in 1970, who on earth would have asked for the quarterback’s cell phone, and what good would it have been to get it if he, like Perry Mason, had been one of the few human beings who had one?)

Ironically enough, by the time we do understand the ramifications of text messaging it will probably be obsolete. After all, how many of us could say anything intelligent about the etiquette of telegrams? How many of us adjust when we make long-distance calls because of how expensive it is to call in the middle of the day? A lot has changed in the area of reconciling technology with human sensitivity, just in our lifetimes!

The 21st century is going to require nothing of its sons and daughters, if not flexibility!

 

[Maximilan_Kolbe]

If texting worked like this my every third text would be “brb” or “got to go”. That’s really final for a conversation that is ongoing. However if my friend and I are texting a heavy conversation and I need to be someplace or whatever, yes, then I will let her know I won’t be available.

Generally, texting is more like a telegram than a phone conversation.

I treat it as an extension of the type of conversations I have with people within earshot at work. I don’t formally end the conversation, since it rarely is much back and forth anyway, I just stop bugging them.

 

[EasterJoy]

I treat it as an extension of the type of conversations I have with people within earshot at work. I don’t formally end the conversation, since it rarely is much back and forth anyway, I just stop bugging them.

One thing to remember, though, is that what someone says they overheard you saying at work is mere hearsay. What their phone can show you said via text message is concrete evidence. Anything you say via text message ought to be sent in the knowledge that it is in a permanent record somewhere that is no longer solely under your control. That’s just as true of text messages as it is of e-mails.

 

[Anglewannabe]

For ex: My daughter texts:
Can you bring home bottled water?
Me: yes.
Her: What time are you getting home:
Me: around 9.

End of story. .

That type of interaction makes total sense to me. DD had a specific question and got the whole answer. I am thinking more about

person 1: how was your day
Person 2: Great, I went to the show. How about yours
person 1: never responds

It is not something person 1 needed to ask at that moment. It was a conversation starter and then person 1 begged off

Angie

then nothing

 

[maryjk]

I understand that something could change on your end. For example, the other night I was talking on the phone with a friend and her doorbell rang. She said to me ‘excuse me can you hold the door bell rang’ to which I responded ‘sure’ As far as I am concerned she could have also said 'The doorbell rang I got to hang up. And that would be an equally acceptable option. What I will NEVER understand is why when texting, if the door bell rings, one does not text ‘The door bell rang got to go’.

I am mixing this up with chat rooms? Is that the problem?

Angie

Because by the time I get the text out, “the door bell rang, I’ve got to go.” the person at the door would have left, I would have had an accident in the car, my husband, son or boss would have walked away and I would have knocked over numerous people in the crowd.

Texting isn’t a conversation in real time. While I text someone, I am normally doing something in addition to texting.

It is very different then being on the phone or visiting someone in person.

(I’ve never been in a chat room)

 

[Bruised_Reed]

That type of interaction makes total sense to me. DD had a specific question and got the whole answer. I am thinking more about

person 1: how was your day
Person 2: Great, I went to the show. How about yours
person 1: never responds

It is not something person 1 needed to ask at that moment. It was a conversation starter and then person 1 begged off

Angie

then nothing

Never responded, or never replied to that text but texted later? How long of a delay from the starter to your reply? If it was longer than a couple of minutes that person may not be looking at their phone anymore.

I have been in the same position as you.

*Me: How was the wedding? (her son’s)
(No reply)
*
A week later:

Me: Have you recovered from the wedding?
(No reply)

A week or so later-
Me: Hey, I’m starting to worry about you. Is everything okay?
Former friend: (about 2 hours later) Sorry, I didn’t get back to you. The wedding was beautiful. I can’t wait to get pictures back to show you. We’ll have to get together soon.
Me: I’d like that. Let me know when you get the pix back or anytime that would be good for you.
(No reply)

This went on. Another time, we made tentative plans but hadn’t settled on the day or time just the weekend. I sent several prompts: Did you have a particular restaurant in mind? I’m done late on Friday so Sat or Sun anytime would be okay. No response. Turns out she was getting sick, but…I don’t know, something felt off. We talked about getting together once more and I got a cute email on Friendship Day that I sent back even though it was one of those emotionally manipulative ones that suggests you don’t actually care unless you send it back. I had never sent one back before. To anyone. That’s how much I wanted to maintain the connection.

Most of my other texts are quick messages to pray for someone or plan a lunch date, but one of my friends and I text almost daily so we know the other’s texting habits and know the rhythms of each others lives so I know things can get busy. But a few months ago we were texting and I texted a something that didn’t require a reply to but thought she would react. This was a Friday evening. I didn’t hear from her Saturday. Texted a question? No reply. Tried again Sunday. I’m panicking, imagining the worst. I wondered if her husband knew how to reach me if something was wrong. On Monday I finally call the landline and leave a message that I was concerned and I was thisclose to calling her mom. I also emailed her. I got an email back almost right away; her phone had finally bit the dust and they were shopping around for a better plan and she thought she’d have a new phone by then. Then on Wednesday I got a text from her husband that she was hospitalized and had to be intubated. Being able to text back and forth with him and later with her was a lifesaver or a sanity saver for me during that time. He could text me anytime and I could reply anytime. That wouldn’t work with phone calls, quick bits of information during potential busy times during work hours or when one is stressed and only has a minute.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Texting isn’t a conversation in real time. While I text someone, I am normally doing something in addition to texting.

Which brings me back to my original point. If someone is busy doing something else, I would rather they NOT text me with a conversation starter such as ‘how was the play’

 

[dedo]

One thing that fascinates me is to try and figure out how / why something new, or not understood, works.

To be successful, it is important to both learn, and keep an open mind. If the way people text bothers you, you can always just not text. Or you can adapt.

I prefer to adapt, since it is fun to learn stuff.

 

[maryjk]

Which brings me back to my original point. If someone is busy doing something else, I would rather they NOT text me with a conversation starter such as ‘how was the play’

So, if a friend is wonders if your first day of work went okay, and she sends you a text, “how was your day?” You would prefer she doesn’t do it unless she has time set aside, right then, to have a conversation with you?

Texting back, “it was fine” isn’t going to be enough. She must have time to answer any questions you might have? Even questions like, “how was yours?”

I have to say, if that was the case with my friends, I just wouldn’t bother. It wouldn’t be worth it. I text when I have a free moment. If I have time for a conversation, I call.