Texting his secretary

[morethanme2]

I have been dating a man for 5 months (divorced father of 3) –exclusively.* Recently, we were away for the weekend and I accidentally grabbed his blackberry instead of mine.
On it – I saw text messages from his secretary. He was asking her about what she thought of his hair and if she liked the style…and she started joking with him
About acting like a girl – by saying “I think I can see your vag8na from here”…and they joked back and forth. I tried to let it go – but it bothered me because
I then realized she’s 25 and he’s 47 – and she’s very attractive.* I asked someone who knew his workplace and this person told me that they are always seen
Laughing and giggling with each other. *
*
I confronted my BF and he told me that I was totally overreacting – he said that they are just “buddies” and he doesn’t have any attraction to her at all.
He said they are just friends.* But when I told him “generally” that I saw some inappropriate stuff on his phone – he said “I’m sorry you had to see that…but I assure you it was all in a joking manner”…
He said he compliments her figure from time to time because she says she is too fat…* and he’s just trying to be a good friend.
*
He then said that he could be jealous of my friendships with my gay friends too – because it’s exactly the same.* I said that’s not true – he said it IS because he bets that some of my gay guy friends might be bi-sexual…
*
*
I am still reeling from this.* I forgave him and told him that it just better not happen again – and he said that he understood that …but I just feel weird about it all.* Am I being too lenient in taking him back?

 

[28562]

He then said that he could be jealous of my friendships with my gay friends too – because it’s exactly the same.* I said that’s not true – he said it IS because he bets that some of my gay guy friends might be bi-sexual…
*

IMO, guilty people always try to change things around and start pointing fingers at the other person to get the attention off themselves before too much is discovered…

 

[Bill_Martin]

There’s a girl I know who I joke around with like that all the time, but we are just friends. I wouldn’t worry about it unless you find some evidence that the two of them are more serious.

 

[LilyM]

Making comments about being able to see a woman’s genitalia is funny? Uh, no. Not in any universe, not in any context.

Completely and utterly inappropriate in a work context.

Almost certainly a breach of his company policy assuming he isn’t his own boss.

At least it betrays a huge lack of both judgement and decorum, not to mention respect for you and your feelings, regardless of whether it was intended seriously or not or the exchange was two-sided or not.

I would avoid this man like the plague. He is old enough to know far better.

 

[1ke]

Away for a weekend together after 5 months of dating? Are you sexually active with this man?

A virtuous man does not engage in raunchy texting, does not befriend his secretary, and does not go away for weekends with someone he is not married to.

There are many things wrong with this scenario.

 

[JackieMom]

Away for a weekend together after 5 months of dating? Are you sexually active with this man?

A virtuous man does not engage in raunchy texting, does not befriend his secretary, and does not go away for weekends with someone he is not married to.

There are many things wrong with this scenario.

He’s a divorced (so likely still married) father, too!

 

[Robertanthony]

I have been dating a man for 5 months (divorced father of 3) –exclusively.* Recently, we were away for the weekend and I accidentally grabbed his blackberry instead of mine.
On it – I saw text messages from his secretary. He was asking her about what she thought of his hair and if she liked the style…and she started joking with him
About acting like a girl – by saying “I think I can see your vag8na from here”…and they joked back and forth. I tried to let it go – but it bothered me because
I then realized she’s 25 and he’s 47 – and she’s very attractive.* I asked someone who knew his workplace and this person told me that they are always seen
Laughing and giggling with each other. *
*
I confronted my BF and he told me that I was totally overreacting – he said that they are just “buddies” and he doesn’t have any attraction to her at all.
He said they are just friends.* But when I told him “generally” that I saw some inappropriate stuff on his phone – he said “I’m sorry you had to see that…but I assure you it was all in a joking manner”…
He said he compliments her figure from time to time because she says she is too fat…* and he’s just trying to be a good friend.
*
He then said that he could be jealous of my friendships with my gay friends too – because it’s exactly the same.* I said that’s not true – he said it IS because he bets that some of my gay guy friends might be bi-sexual…
*
*
I am still reeling from this.* I forgave him and told him that it just better not happen again – and he said that he understood that …but I just feel weird about it all.* Am I being too lenient in taking him back?

He’s full of it. You don’ t want this joker as a boyfriend/future husband. You’re overreacting? Jokers and two-faced jokers always resort to the same crummy mechanism of challenging the validity of your reaction and turn everything around to make you feel guilty of even asking in the 1st place. He’s like a bad romantic comedy when you know that at some point there will be a misunderstanding between two lovers, say the female will decide to make up, will walk in on the guy huggin his long-gone sister he hadn’t mentionned in the 3 months they’d been together, of course she’ll think he has another girlfriend, but in the end they’ll be happy and together. He’s as cliche, predictable and pathetic as a romantic comedy. His ex was right if she’s the one who did the dumping. Be warned, he likely won’t change. Or,put him on a polygraph and have an expert ask him from every angle if he has any kind of attraction to the “very attractive” secretary. Does he also text unattractive female co-workers? Of course he doesn’t. Would you ever be able to fully trust this guy?

 

[twopekinguys]

Once you realized it wasn’t your Blackberry,(which shouldn’t have taken long), you should have put it down. Period!!

Anything after that is a violation of trust and privacy.

Also, checking up on him with coworkers is also very questionable behavior.

You snooped, and you got what you had coming.

I hope it was all just a set up to see how “trustworthy” you were. Which at this point appears you are not.

Just sayin

 

[LilyM]

Once you realized it wasn’t your Blackberry,(which shouldn’t have taken long), you should have put it down. Period!!

Anything after that is a violation of trust and privacy.

Also, checking up on him with coworkers is also very questionable behavior.

You snooped, and you got what you had coming.

I hope it was all just a set up to see how “trustworthy” you were. Which at this point appears you are not.

Just sayin

New messages show up on the front screen of my phone even when it is locked. Meaning anyone in the vicinity can see them without physically picking up the phone or scrolling through them.

What kind of numbskull would text such things to his secretary at ANY time? For ANY reason? No justification ever. A test? So presumably his secretary knows that she is being subjected to filthy comments as part of some sick ‘test’ of her boss’s girlfriend’s loyalty?

Who pulls idiotic stunts like that anyway? Who puts human beings through that sort of misery and horror as a ‘test’? No halfway decent person, for sure.

 

[Grace2013]

Making comments about being able to see a woman’s genitalia is funny? Uh, no. Not in any universe, not in any context.

Completely and utterly inappropriate in a work context.

Almost certainly a breach of his company policy assuming he isn’t his own boss.

At least it betrays a huge lack of both judgement and decorum, not to mention respect for you and your feelings, regardless of whether it was intended seriously or not or the exchange was two-sided or not.
**
I would avoid this man like the plague. He is old enough to know far better.**

agreed. There are motives behind everything. Unfortunately, some young women don’t get that a male will only go as far as you let them.

 

[BettyBoop416]

Away for a weekend together after 5 months of dating? Are you sexually active with this man?

What did the OP say that gave you the impression that she was soliciting your speculation about any sexual relationship she might or might not be having?

You just can’t help yourself, can you?

He’s a divorced (so likely still married) father, too!

Jump to conclusions much?

You and 1ke should get together and form a little review panel to pass judgement on all us sinners based on your speculation and wild guesses.

 

[JackieMom]

What did the OP say that gave you the impression that she was soliciting your speculation about any sexual relationship she might or might not be having?

You just can’t help yourself, can you?

Jump to conclusions much?

You and 1ke should get together and form a little review panel to pass judgement on all us sinners based on your speculation and wild guesses.

Wild guesses? I doubt he has a decree of nullity, but if he has - I apologize 100%

 

[FriendlyFace]

I wouldn’t date a man who made coarse jokes like that to me, let alone to another woman. If you two are exclusive, what’s he doing flirting and texting so much with another woman? Why isn’t his attention focused on you?

You’re not overreacting. Not a single thing he said was okay.

He’s:

• flirting with another woman in person and by text.
• making vulgar jokes with another woman. (Wouldn’t be okay with you either.)
• dismissive about your concerns and trying to make you feel like you’re being unreasonable. (You’re not.) He should at least care how you feel for heaven’s sake, and his behavior is over-the-top questionable…
• complimenting this other woman’s figure regularly. (Not really appropriate.)
• trying to turn the tables on you by suggesting that your friendships are just as inappropriate. Presumably this woman is attracted enough to him to flirt back. Your gay male friends aren’t attracted to you. It’s not the same thing at all.

I think you’re still reeling from this because you know that this guys is bad news bears. Nothing you wrote about him doing is okay, and I think you might want to seriously consider ending this. If this behavior is typical for him, I don’t think he’s ready for or capable of having a grown-up relationship. That’s how I’d feel in your shoes based on what you’ve said anyway.

Take care.

P.S. I agree with what the other people said about him being divorced (but not having an annulment) meaning you shouldn’t be dating him either. If he’s still married in the eyes of the Church, he isn’t free to date.

 

[Mikeydell]

When relationships reach a certain time period that’s when each person knows if they are comfortable with each other and meant to stay together or not. I have heard that usually after 7-8 months or so you can tell. In your case maybe it’s earlier. Best advice I could give you (from an old guy’s perspective) is to get on with your life. Do not take the chance that he will break your heart in the future as you have your suspicions now.

Maybe you’re his rebound, ever think about that? You say that she is pretty, are you implying that you aren’t? Give it to God and let Him worry about it for you. His Will be done and in His time too! I’m sure He knows who is right for you, just trust Him and be patient.

Much Peace!

Mike

 

[chevalier]

I was about to post until I found this:

Making comments about being able to see a woman’s genitalia is funny? Uh, no. Not in any universe, not in any context.

Completely and utterly inappropriate in a work context.

Almost certainly a breach of his company policy assuming he isn’t his own boss.

At least it betrays a huge lack of both judgement and decorum, not to mention respect for you and your feelings, regardless of whether it was intended seriously or not or the exchange was two-sided or not.

I would avoid this man like the plague. He is old enough to know far better.

So: +1.

I have avoided women for smaller lacks of decorum than that. And I just simply would not wish to marry someone who texted somebody else about genitals like that. I can imagine the existence of some extenuating circumstances but those would still make me not want to marry such a person, with 99% certainty.

Also, be careful. Dysfunctional individuals can basically stupefy you with their bizarre excuses and explanations on which they impose a ring of truth, helped by implying that it’s your reaction which is abnormal. And due to how utterly odd the situation is, you just don’t have a point of reference to compare and decide what’s normally. When confronted with that type of thing, you just don’t know what’s normal any more. Don’t give in to that.

P.S. I agree with what the other people said about him being divorced (but not having an annulment) meaning you shouldn’t be dating him either. If he’s still married in the eyes of the Church, he isn’t free to date.

One’s got to remember that Protestants for obvious reasons don’t need to marry in a Catholich church. Which means civil marriages of Protestants are presumed valid, unlike civil marriages of Catholics. Just mentioning it because of the American context, where Protestants are the majority populace. Somebody who was a Catholic when marrying by a JP and without a dispensation can perhaps not be presumed married (due to the obviousness of the lack of form) but that’s it.

 

[Debora123]

Wow, what a jerk! What does he think you are, an idiot?

I’d dump him immediately.

 

[Debora123]

He’s full of it. You don’ t want this joker as a boyfriend/future husband. You’re overreacting? Jokers and two-faced jokers always resort to the same crummy mechanism of challenging the validity of your reaction and turn everything around to make you feel guilty of even asking in the 1st place. He’s like a bad romantic comedy when you know that at some point there will be a misunderstanding between two lovers, say the female will decide to make up, will walk in on the guy huggin his long-gone sister he hadn’t mentionned in the 3 months they’d been together, of course she’ll think he has another girlfriend, but in the end they’ll be happy and together. He’s as cliche, predictable and pathetic as a romantic comedy. His ex was right if she’s the one who did the dumping. Be warned, he likely won’t change. Or,put him on a polygraph and have an expert ask him from every angle if he has any kind of attraction to the “very attractive” secretary. Does he also text unattractive female co-workers? Of course he doesn’t. Would you ever be able to fully trust this guy?

 

[morethanme2]

I really appreciate all this feedback. Honestly I realize I shouldn’t have searched thru his phone but I had seen him turning the angle of it at times when he was texting in the past a f it made me suspicious.

As for the bad language,. I will reiterate she said SHE could see his vagi&na as a joke to HIM. At least that’s his story…, and it makes sense because the text followered him asking a very “girlie” question about his hair.

It just all seemed very fishy to me. He has proclaimed over and over again that there’s nothing there… And she’s engaged., but I just can’t ever imagine myself saying something like that EVER to my boss.

He says all he talks about is “me” to her and his “into this” he is…

He has 3 children BTW that he still hasn’t introduced me to … Which I respect. But he has insinuated that he’d introduce me … But hasn’t yet.

 

[Debora123]

I really appreciate all this feedback. Honestly I realize I shouldn’t have searched thru his phone but I had seen him turning the angle of it at times when he was texting in the past a f it made me suspicious.

As for the bad language,. I will reiterate she said SHE could see his vagi&na as a joke to HIM. At least that’s his story…, and it makes sense because the text followered him asking a very “girlie” question about his hair.

It just all seemed very fishy to me. He has proclaimed over and over again that there’s nothing there… And she’s engaged., but I just can’t ever imagine myself saying something like that EVER to my boss.

He says all he talks about is “me” to her and his “into this” he is…

He has 3 children BTW that he still hasn’t introduced me to … Which I respect. But he has insinuated that he’d introduce me … But hasn’t yet.

Men like that disgust me.

I’ve seen it so many times with lady friends of mine dating complete sickos like that. Unfortunately, no amount of “break up with him” … “he’s no good for you” … “he’s a player”… will get them to see the light. They’ve all had to learn the hard way, and figure it out for themselves after it’d been staring them in the face for years.

Don’t be that woman. Don’t put up with that.

Good luck, and God bless. I hope you find a great man someday.

 

[maltmom]

Please move on. You are setting yourself up for more heartache. This man obviously has no respect for your relationship or for women.