Thank You Notes - when, how, and how frequent?

[NFPWife]

We send one for every gift, every favor, and every extension of hospitality. We send them to every teacher and the staff at the end of the year, to anyone who goes out of their way for us. I try to have one in the mail within 48 hours. I send them for my kids and when they can write their own names at age 3 or 4, they sign them. By 5 they are writing their own. I have delivered lots and lots of meals to postpartum families and have never not received a prompt thank-you.

I’m starting to wonder if my mom has a profile here

In our family we weren’t allowed to play with a toy or spend any cash/ gift cards until the thank you note was sent. If we thanked in person that was sufficient. I send thanks yous for all the items Avocadomom mentioned and any raises/ bonuses I get at work. The work thank yous are e-mails to our CEO and COO and I ask them to share my appreciation with the board. Apparently they do, because a board member commented to me about it specifically saying something about my graciousness and manners.

My husband and I do some presentations for our Diocese and we occasionally get thank-yous from participants. They are unexpected and lovely and always bring a smile to my face.

 

[NFPWife]

…
6. I am aware I will offend some with this statement: In polite company a gift is always acknowledged in writing IMHO. If I give you a gift above $15 value and you can’t bother to acknowledge it, I admit I will think less of you, and I will feel no remorse for doing so: When you’re impolite, expect to be thought of as impolite. Call me names; say I’m haughty and arrogant. Be my guest – but I will also reserve the right to think you’re ignorant for not sending thank you notes.

…

I have to say I have a similar response to not receiving a thank you. I did a significant favor for a friend and didn’t receive a thank you. Of any type. If the situation were reversed, I would sent a card and enclosed a small gift/ gift card… While I wasn’t expecting a gift/ gift card, I WAS expecting a thank you and, honestly, it hurt our friendship. I just deflected a request for a similar favor.

 

[aicirt]

Once I was able to write, I was expected to write a thank you note whenever I received a present. I also had to write fancy thank you notes for my interviewers when applying to high schools. After all that, I no longer need a ruler to write cursive in straight lines on unlined paper!

Off the subject, but are you aware that kids are not taught cursive thanks to Common Core? So most will be or are incapable of writing much less reading script.

 

[aicirt]

I have to say I have a similar response to not receiving a thank you. I did a significant favor for a friend and didn’t receive a thank you. Of any type. If the situation were reversed, I would sent a card and enclosed a small gift/ gift card… While I wasn’t expecting a gift/ gift card, I WAS expecting a thank you and, honestly, it hurt our friendship. I just deflected a request for a similar favor.

Friend sent grandson an expensive sweatshirt for his first week in college. Never got a thank-you. Eight years later, he wed. One of her kids asked if she sent him a present. She hadn’t and had no intentions of doing so as he has never acknowledged her and she had stopped gifting him after the sweatshirt incident. Strong Granny.

Our son got blown off by his nephew after giving him $500 for a graduation present. The kid opened up the envelope and never acknowledged the gift. Hmmmm. No more coming from that uncle and rightly so.

 

[Demetra2]

Thank you for bringing up the subject of thank you notes. I think in our busy world we sometimes ignore the subject of thank you notes. Often we do this to our detriment. I am always delighted when someone is thoughtful enough to write me a handwritten thank you note. You can’t go wrong in doing so.

I write notes for all gifts that I receive for birthdays and house gifts and Christmas gifts if I do not receive them in person. I have written thank you notes for wedding and baby showers and when someone has helped me during an illness. It is often sufficient to thank someone in person but it is also a good idea to send a note for special gifts and unexpected acts of kindness. I always insisted that my children promptly write thank you notes for all gifts received from friends and relatives (birthdays, graduations etc.) as a way to teach politeness and gratitude.

In the past two weeks I have given one neighbor a graduation gift and another a new home gift and have not even received an e-mail which is irritating. Unfortunately, not thanking someone for a gift is the new normal.

 

[maryjk]

I’m starting to wonder if my mom has a profile here

In our family we weren’t allowed to play with a toy or spend any cash/ gift cards until the thank you note was sent. If we thanked in person that was sufficient. I send thanks yous for all the items Avocadomom mentioned **and any raises/ bonuses I get at work. **The work thank yous are e-mails to our CEO and COO and I ask them to share my appreciation with the board. Apparently they do, because a board member commented to me about it specifically saying something about my graciousness and manners.

My husband and I do some presentations for our Diocese and we occasionally get thank-yous from participants. They are unexpected and lovely and always bring a smile to my face.

I was taught the same thing. Except for the raises at work. I don’t see raises as gifts. They are payment for a job well done. To me it would be the same if I sent a thank you note for every paycheck.

I have gotten to where I actually request that new moms don’t write a thank you note. I would rather they spend time with their new baby. So, when I deliver food or a gift, I tell them, “please no thank you note.” Most abide by my request.

 

[NFPWife]

I was taught the same thing. Except for the raises at work. I don’t see raises as gifts. They are payment for a job well done. To me it would be the same if I sent a thank you note for every paycheck.

I have gotten to where I actually request that new moms don’t write a thank you note. I would rather they spend time with their new baby. So, when I deliver food or a gift, I tell them, “please no thank you note.” Most abide by my request.

Our bonuses aren’t merit based, if I had a position where I hit X markers and got a bonus, I might not feel “obligated” to send a thank you. But I probably still would because I would conceptualize that program as an “optional” incentive from the employer and I would want to show my appreciation for the program.

Likewise, the holiday party, the summer event, and the pool of money available for raises are all above and beyond our salaries so I send thank yous. Each one is something my employer could end at any time and still be acting within the confines of my contract. Incidentally, Dave Ramsey (with whom some here are familiar) has made comments that, as an employer, those expressions of gratitude are meaningful to him.

 

[pensmama87]

It’s not really confusing if you take a step back and apply the same logic to other situations. All of us, I would bet, measure our opinions of others and their manners by the way we were raised and also the way that we strive to live.

If a man doesn’t open a door for a lady, many women would think him rude, others, perhaps not. If someone burps at a table during dinner and laughs, some people would find that offensive, but I personally know adults that behave that way and think nothing of it. Some people believe it is in extremely disrespectful to wear jeans and t-shirts to Mass on Sunday, yet other people were raised that it is not a big deal.

In the end I think it is our goal as Christians to try to be as charitable as possible. However I do understand the “thank you note” dilemma as I was raised that it was important. Just as others may have been raised that other things were important.

I don’t think anyone can fall back on “I wasn’t raised that way” necessarily either. As adults we have free will and a choice of how we want to live our lives and how we hope for others to perceive us.

I’m not trying to fall back on that as an excuse. I was raised to show gratitude, but not using this specific method. I offer it as explanation, not excuse. So I was curious about what other customs there were to see what I might want to do differently with my own children.

There have now been at least two posts on this thread where posters have openly stated that they think less of people who don’t send thank you notes when they do something for the person, and seem to have no problem with that. To me, this seems contrary to the purpose of doing something for another person. It’s one thing if it’s something big or largely culturally agreed upon - a wedding gift, for example, but not sending a note is NOT the same thing as “person is not appreciative or grateful.” The two things seem to be getting conflated a bit on this thread, and I’m not sure that’s fair, and an overall problem with gratitude was not really what I intended this thread to be about (though I agree that in general, it seems to be disappearing - which is why I want to make a point to emphasize it with my kids.)

I have made a real effort, when things happen like you describe above, to not let myself be bothered by those things. I think it’s not a good approach to be proud of thinking ill of others for not meeting the standards that they might not even know you have for them, especially when it could be the result of a misunderstanding (as I said in my PP, maybe their thank you note got lost on its way to you.)

 

[NFPWife]

I’m not trying to fall back on that as an excuse. I was raised to show gratitude, but not using this specific method. I offer it as explanation, not excuse. So I was curious about what other customs there were to see what I might want to do differently with my own children.

There have now been at least two posts on this thread where posters have openly stated that they think less of people who don’t send thank you notes when they do something for the person, and seem to have no problem with that. To me, this seems contrary to the purpose of doing something for another person. It’s one thing if it’s something big or largely culturally agreed upon - a wedding gift, for example, but not sending a note is NOT the same thing as “person is not appreciative or grateful.” The two things seem to be getting conflated a bit on this thread, and I’m not sure that’s fair, and an overall problem with gratitude was not really what I intended this thread to be about (though I agree that in general, it seems to be disappearing - which is why I want to make a point to emphasize it with my kids.)

I have made a real effort, when things happen like you describe above, to not let myself be bothered by those things. I think it’s not a good approach to be proud of thinking ill of others for not meeting the standards that they might not even know you have for them, especially when it could be the result of a misunderstanding (as I said in my PP, maybe their thank you note got lost on its way to you.)

I want to be clear I don’t think less of everyone who doesn’t send a thank you for a basic thing. A birthday gift, a housewarming gift, etc. I tend to get super busy and forgot all about the thank you until the next gifting situation with that person. I’ve had experiences with ppl who exhibit manners/ customs different from my upbringing. (I should start a thread about one of them, it’s kind of interesting.)

The specific time I referenced was a HUGE thing I did for a friend, at the 11th hour no less, and warranted an expression of gratitude. When none came, the friendship cooled. When she asked for something similar, I deflected the request and I’m not doing it.

I fully support the GM who didn’t give a wedding gift because the sweatshirt wasn’t acknowledged and the uncle who didn’t gift the nephew again. That’s the natural consequence of not sending the thank you, in my mind.

 

[HopenHappiness]

Being in the military, we were not around family a lot, so Son was raised also to either write a Thank You Note, or to call the sender of the gift. He preferred calling rather then writing, and as I aged, and being on the end of receiving the phone call, I find it much more pleasant to hear the persons excitement over the gift.

My pet peeve is those who don’t acknowledge something they get in the mail. Like someone posted, when you mail something, you don’t know if they received it or not, unless you are requiring a signature. Even with Delivery confirmation, it can go to the wrong house.

So if I can make an effort to find a gift for them, they can make the effort to let me know it has arrived. I have cut out getting gifts and only send cards to many adult Nieces and Nephews because of this, and just take the extra money and buy things to donate to charities, because I know they appreciate it. How do I know that, when I drop off a donation I get a great big smile and a thank you. And I tell you that is the best reward of them all.

 

[lola5555]

Friend sent grandson an expensive sweatshirt for his first week in college. Never got a thank-you. Eight years later, he wed. One of her kids asked if she sent him a present. She hadn’t and had no intentions of doing so as he has never acknowledged her and she had stopped gifting him after the sweatshirt incident. Strong Granny.

Our son got blown off by his nephew after giving him $500 for a graduation present. The kid opened up the envelope and never acknowledged the gift. Hmmmm. No more coming from that uncle and rightly so.

I know this thread is super old, but…eh, oh well. I’m with Granny. If someone can’t bother to thank me for a gift, that’s the last time they will receive a gift from me, which seems more than fair to me. A thank you note takes all of five minutes and a fifty cent stamp.

In my culture a thank you note is absolutely necessary for gifts, favors, etc. If a baby receives a gift, mom or dad will write the thank you note. At about three and above, a child can draw and get help from mom or dad to write thank you and her name. In my parochial school we were taught how to write letters, including thank you letters. Even in my immediate family, we send thank you notes for all gifts. So that’s just how some people/families work and I guess it’s helpful to be aware of because you may receive a gift from someone who is expecting a note and they may be hurt if no note arrived.

 

[aicirt]

I know this thread is super old, but…eh, oh well. I’m with Granny. If someone can’t bother to thank me for a gift, that’s the last time they will receive a gift from me, which seems more than fair to me. A thank you note takes all of five minutes and a fifty cent stamp.

In my culture a thank you note is absolutely necessary for gifts, favors, etc. If a baby receives a gift, mom or dad will write the thank you note. At about three and above, a child can draw and get help from mom or dad to write thank you and her name. In my parochial school we were taught how to write letters, including thank you letters. Even in my immediate family, we send thank you notes for all gifts. So that’s just how some people/families work and I guess it’s helpful to be aware of because you may receive a gift from someone who is expecting a note and they may be hurt if no note arrived.

In the past two years, we’ve received two invitations to high school graduations from the same family and we’ve sent two checks. No thank you notes. Yes, I will be ignoring any further notices from this family. Might just send cards with nothing in them.

Many years ago, I sent a wedding present of crystal glasses listed by the bride. Present was insured. The insurance expires in 90 days. I tracked the glasses and knew she had received them BUT maybe she didn’t. Maybe someone stole them, and she’d never know we had sent the present. What to do? I wrote her a note and asked. Oh, yes she got them but hadn’t had time to write thank-you notes. So here’s my idea: call the gifter and let them know the expensive gift you had requested arrived. Then follow it up with a note.

Just an aside: Thanks to Common Core, the little nippers are not taught cursive in school. Think about it: If they can’t do it, they can’t read it. Talk about dumbing down the kids.

 

[DeniseNY]

I know this thread is super old, but…eh, oh well. I’m with Granny. If someone can’t bother to thank me for a gift, that’s the last time they will receive a gift from me, which seems more than fair to me. A thank you note takes all of five minutes and a fifty cent stamp.

I think in some cases it’s a sense of entitlement; as if the “giftee’s” occassion somehow means that they are owed a present.

The daughter of a friend of mine recently had a birthday (she turned seven). She loves to draw and she gave me a really cute “card” made out of contstruction paper, with a drawing of my cat. It was really sweet.

 

[lola5555]

Just an aside: Thanks to Common Core, the little nippers are not taught cursive in school. Think about it: If they can’t do it, they can’t read it. Talk about dumbing down the kids.

That is so odd to me. I actually changed schools in the middle of 3rd grade. In my old school we hadn’t really started learning cursive yet, but it was mandatory in the new school. First day the kid next to me whispered to me that cursive was required. Well there was one of those cursive banners around the room so I just kind of made it up as I went and looked to the banner for guidance. That’s how I learned cursive. Hopefully kids can pick it up as they go and with practice perfect it.

I think in some cases it’s a sense of entitlement; as if the “giftee’s” occassion somehow means that they are owed a present.

The daughter of a friend of mine recently had a birthday (she turned seven). She loves to draw and she gave me a really cute “card” made out of contstruction paper, with a drawing of my cat. It was really sweet.

It didn’t occur to me that the giftee felt entitled. That is bizarre and a little psycho. I suppose there are various reasons for not thanking a person for a gift, but this one is a little scary. I always kind of wonder if people like that were told they were fantastic constantly by their parents. I’ve seen those parents and their little ‘angels’ and I wonder who they grow up to be.

Ah, that’s nice of your friend’s daughter. What a lovely thing for all involved.

 

[fencersmother]

My neighbor’s daughter is in the sixth grade and an honor student at the local p.s. She cannot read or write in cursive, at all. I sent her a note for her birthday and she couldn’t read it! I asked her mother how she will sign her name on such things as legal documents, etc. No idea since “She’s great on the computer.”

I write thank you notes, and frankly, expect to receive one from anyone over the age of reason.

 

[aicirt]

I think we all take cursive writing as a given. Without it being taught, the art will be lost. It is like losing a second language.

Think about it: You learned young and now you can write it and read anything by any other (accept doctors’ scribblings). It is amazing. We were in a museum reading letters written by a president and realized that kids without this skill will not be able to do this. They’ll have to have everything printed. That is ridiculous.

Yes, my beautician said the same thing. Her 15 yr. old can’t write nor read it. She can’t write her name The mother doesn’t approve of this and was also told that everything is electronic so what’s the problem.

The problem is we are dumbing down our kids. Same goes for this new math. I had a hard time doing it the old way and know for sure there’s no way I could help my kids with this system. The beauty of math is the simplicity. Frustrate the kid and he will not go near it.

 

[jarn98]

I have given up expecting thank you notes, I would be grateful for an email, call or even a quick message on Facebook. Last I shopped for an inexpensive family gift for my adult niece/nephew/spouses and their small children-I wanted something that might be fun for the family. I chose a gingerbread man theme, and purchased oven mit,and tea towels, a gingerbread man cookie cutter, Gingerbread cookie mix and ‘The Little Gingerbread Man’ book, and put all in a gift bag. Although it came to only $40 for each family, I did spend a lot of time shopping and a couple online orders to complete. But I guess no one like their gifts, because I never heard a word about it. Makes me feel sad that I went to all that fuss and no one cared

 

[aicirt]

I have given up expecting thank you notes, I would be grateful for an email, call or even a quick message on Facebook. Last I shopped for an inexpensive family gift for my adult niece/nephew/spouses and their small children-I wanted something that might be fun for the family. I chose a gingerbread man theme, and purchased oven mit,and tea towels, a gingerbread man cookie cutter, Gingerbread cookie mix and ‘The Little Gingerbread Man’ book, and put all in a gift bag. Although it came to only $40 for each family, I did spend a lot of time shopping and a couple online orders to complete. But I guess no one like their gifts, because I never heard a word about it. Makes me feel sad that I went to all that fuss and no one cared

Been there too! First time, shame on them. :tsktsk: Second time, shame on me.:banghead: Third time, NO there isn’t a third time because my motto became, “Okay, more for me!”. And you go out and buy yourself something nice for the same amount of $$ you would have spent on the ingrates. FEELS SOO GOOD!:extrahappy:

 

[jarn98]

Been there too! First time, shame on them. :tsktsk: Second time, shame on me.:banghead: Third time, NO there isn’t a third time because my motto became, “Okay, more for me!”. And you go out and buy yourself something nice for the same amount of $$ you would have spent on the ingrates. FEELS SOO GOOD!:extrahappy:

Thank you, thank you-they were almost getting a 3rd chance-was just siting here planning to order the stuffed animal from Avon with tie in book from Amazon and matching PJs from Kohls for this bunch, but on reconsideratiaon, a gift card or box of candy will be fine.

 

[aicirt]

:

Thank you, thank you-they were almost getting a 3rd chance-was just siting here planning to order the stuffed animal from Avon with tie in book from Amazon and matching PJs from Kohls for this bunch, but on reconsideratiaon, a gift card or box of candy will be fine.

Ah…I vote for the card without the gift.:whackadoo: Let them shake it a few times to see if something falls out. Who knows, they might even finally call you and ask if you forgot something. And then you can say, “Let me think. Nope. Can’t think of anything. If you are referring to the lack of a gift, it is because I thought you didn’t want any from me because you never thanked me for the previous presents.”

Picture yourself in those fuzzy pjs by the fire eating that box of candy. :yyeess: