Thank You notes?

[Bonnie]

Now there’s something that really is going out of style-- personal stationery. So, I give slack to preprinted Thank You notes, because I don’t even have personal stationery anymore!

Stationery and personal stationery - printed with your name (& more if you want) - are 2 different things. For writing your own personal letters and notes, you can use any sheet of paper. If you want to get fancy there are all sorts of nice paper, sold in packs or tablets. We once got a thank you note from an exchange student beautifully written on rice paper with flower petals in it.

I’m sort of a paper junkie - I love pretty paper - and it’s fun to match up the paper to the recipient. I’ve gotten lazy in the past few years as religious groups send me so many lovely cards with their begging letters.

 

[pensmama87]

Now there’s something that really is going out of style-- personal stationery. So, I give slack to preprinted Thank You notes, because I don’t even have personal stationery anymore!

I did when I was younger, however! Because I had a grandmother who was an etiquette Nazi and she gave me personal stationery for high school graduation.

But, really, personal stationery, or even generic stationery, is fairly rare these days.

I love stationery. I wish the rest of the world still did!

I had some printed a couple of years ago (from a free deal on Shutterfly). It is not very formal, but it has our name on it and I use it for all kinds of things, including thank you notes. Having it makes me more likely to use it, rather than make a special trip to buy a card (though I have bought large sets of occasion cards before, too.)

I think greeting cards have actually made it harder in some ways to keep up with notes, etc. Especially if you’re paying retail for individual cards!

 

[Xantippe]

Thank you notes are a non-negotiable in our family. When the kids were too little we would have them scribble something on the note or draw a picture. One year we Xeroxed daughter’s little hands to make a homemade card. That was cute.

As they got older they had to write the note themselves - and it had to be more than “thanks for the gift.” I insisted on a proper letter - & they learned to write interesting letters!

As adults, they send thank you notes to everyone - except me. :(

Bummer.

 

[Xantippe]

As far as other people, it can be hard, but I choose to believe that not receiving a thank you is not a sign of lack of appreciation, but a sign of exhaustion (e.g. new baby) or ignorance (like I had until a few years ago.) I may have learned the social rules about this, but it would be silly for me to all of a sudden expect my parents or siblings to do it. It’s also true that things get lost in the mail (we had that happen with two wedding invitations, for example - they were eventually returned almost completely destroyed!) Basically, hold yourself to a high standard and give a lot of grace to others.

Yes!

 

[Allegra]

Miss Manners says the cards are tacky, anyway,and stationery is preferred.

Miss Manners is a judgmental pain in the rear and she can kiss all ten of my dainty toes.

 

[Xantippe]

Miss Manners is a judgmental pain in the rear and she can kiss all ten of my dainty toes.

I try to adhere to her on life principles (and she is superb on how-to-deal-with-people) but I have had to bit adieu to the idea of keeping up with the fish fork and claret glass aspects of her writings, because they just make me feel bad…

But, I fully endorse whatever she says about dealing with problem people.

 

[Bonnie]

I try to adhere to her on life principles (and she is superb on how-to-deal-with-people) but I have had to bit adieu to the idea of keeping up with the fish fork and claret glass aspects of her writings, because they just make me feel bad…

But those are the really FUN bits in her writing! She can make the most stilted dinner party sound hilarious.

 

[pianistclare]

Looking for some perspective on a couple of questions regarding Thank You notes…

I’ve noticed that we as a family have usually not sent Thank You notes out when we have a kids party, First Communion, etc. I also noticed that we typically get ones back when our kids attend something and bring a gift. Are Thank You notes still considered proper etiquette? What would you think if we were the family that never sent them out?

Trying not to judge, but I don’t know that my wife thinks that they are something that needs to be done. So now that some of our kids are old enough, I have had the kids sit down and write them out.

We just had a party four our 4 year old son, and received lots of gifts. Of course he’s too young to write them out. Pretty sure If I say nothing, no Thank You notes will go out. Should I just write them out myself? Or maybe send Thank You emails? I mentioned something to my wife in passing and she kind of blew it off like She was too busy at the moment to think about it…

Mom and Dads…how are you handling??

YES. Always a thank you note.
Not hard, and often greatly appreciated. I just got one today from a student I mentored, and who has been accepted at Boston College.
She wrote a beautiful letter, that I will treasure.
Some of the cutest cards I’ve ever received were from little children as well.

My daughters considered thank you cards another chance to do crafts and loved making them from scratch and coloring, pasting, and gluing interesting things on them, from cut out pictures, to dried flowers. Make it fun!

 

[Bruised_Reed]

Since we are on the subject, I thought sharing a guideline for writing thank you notes would be helpful. I look to Judith Martin aka Miss Manners for direction on all things etiquette.

From an article online:

(…)

It is really not that hard. All you have to do is to give the impression that it was not written under duress, as it doubtless was. Rather, you should seem so overcome by the thoughtfulness involved that you can hardly wait to set it down on paper.

That means that you are actually using paper, and that the words “thank you” are not printed on it, but written by your own hand.

However, “thank you” should not be the opening words, because that would suggest you were writing by rote. Start with a statement of emotion — that you were delighted that they came to your party, or thrilled when you opened their present. Then come the thanks, with a specific mention of the present (except that money is referred to as “your generous gift”), and then a friendly line about the donors (such as that you remember something they told you, or that you hope to see them soon). A line about your own plans — summer, college or work — is optional.

It sounds complicated, but Miss Manners assures you that it amounts to only three or four lines, and you will soon get the hang of dashing off these letters. Not only will that assure you of a reputation for graciousness, but it is likely to inspire even more generosity.

Not starting with a rote “Thank you” and not mentioning money are things I wasn’t taught when I first learned letter writing. It’s a very simple refinement that changes the tone of a thank you note for the better.

 

[pianistclare]

Funny you should mention it…I was just online shopping for stationery.
One of my students just left for seminary, and asked me to write him letters…WRITE…not email. He says my penmanship makes him smile.
I wonder, do they sell boxes of stationery at Hallmark anymore? That’s where I used to buy it.
One can buy pretty computer paper, I suppose that would work. I went on Zazzle to design some personalized stationery or to buy some already done up, but it was expensive and sold by the sheet, not the box.
There’s many places where you can buy lovely journals…but I haven’t seen boxes of stationery. I should call Hallmark.

 

[CatholicRaven]

OP, why do you need to “bring it up” to your wife at all? That sounds like you’re expecting this to be her responsibility after you talk to her about it. Do you expect her to do it just because your mom did it when you were growing up?

Why not just do it yourself, and take on the responsibility of teaching your kids to do it, without fanfare? It’s pretty simple: you can do it yourself, you can even teach your children, and just ask for your wife’s help occasionally (such as with gathering addresses or remembering, “did Auntie Em give the pony to Junior, or was it Granny?” kind of things).

It’s definitely not “instinctual.” For the first 30 years of my life, though I had given a few as a child, I had never received a Thank-You note or card from anyone for any reason other than wedding gifts, I assume because the giver didn’t get to see the couple open them, and therefore, wasn’t thanked in person. For a long time, I thought that was all thank-you notes were used for.

My neighbor has written thank-you notes for almost every little gift or service we’ve given her, and when I realized how it made me smile every time I got one, I realized I should be sending them, too. I can’t realistically send them every time, but I make the effort to do so for most gifts and for “big” favors or gifts of service when the recipient is not there to thank in person. I’m usually the one who designs/writes/sends cards, notes, and letters for our family, and I voluntarily took that on. However, my husband is not above writing thank-you notes, too.

 

[pianistclare]

Found this! Cool!
Print your own, unlimited.
etsy.com/shop/AllAboutTheHouse?ref=l2-shop-info-avatar

 

[Bruised_Reed]

Found this! Cool!
Print your own, unlimited.
etsy.com/shop/AllAboutTheHouse?ref=l2-shop-info-avatar

This ^ and this could inspire a comeback of the handwritten letter, not just thank you notes.

 

[AClaire11]

I always write thank you notes. Sometimes, if I’m really busy and it’s from my husband’s family, I’ll ask him to write them. But half the time he’ll forget and I stress out about how rude that makes us look.

…this reminds me that I need to order more personalized stationery when finances are better. I’m down to my last two cards!

 

[AClaire11]

Re: the regional aspect, I grew up in New England, but my mother is from Texas and she’s the one who gave me my sets of personal stationery.

 

[phil19034]

Really? Maybe that’s regional?

There are racks of them in Wal Mart. An entire section of individual thank yous and the boxed ones have their own section too.

I’ve never encountered a dearth of thank you cards.

I think it is regional and ethnic. My extended family (from Delaware) could care less about thank you notes and they never send them (except for Weddings, Baby Showers, & the like), but my wife’s family (Long Island Jews) gets bent out of shape if they don’t receive a thank you note.

My cousin’s wife’s family (Philadelphia Suburban Catholic) also sends them and his wife sends them almost right away. But I don’t know what she does about birthdays because it seems like she doesn’t believe in having large birthday parties.

 

[DeniseNY]

I always do thank you notes. Most recently when my work colleagues took me to lunch and gave me some lovely gifts before my move.

Two Christmases ago, one of my young team members didn’t thank me for the gift, and if made me not want to give her a gift last year.

 

[misspriss]

We always endeavor to send out thank you notes. We always fail. There just aren’t enough hours in the day sometimes.

I have multiple packages of thank you notes that I have purchased, and not written and sent. i finally managed to get it together after my son’s 3rd birthday, and then my daughter’s birthday was right after and I failed at it again.

I grew up writing thank you notes for everything, for some reason as a parent I’m having issues keeping it up.

 

[pensmama87]

I have multiple packages of thank you notes that I have purchased, and not written and sent. i finally managed to get it together after my son’s 3rd birthday, and then my daughter’s birthday was right after and I failed at it again.

I grew up writing thank you notes for everything, for some reason as a parent I’m having issues keeping it up.

You have young kids. People who are reasonable will understand this.

 

[barhoram]

OP, why do you need to “bring it up” to your wife at all? That sounds like you’re expecting this to be her responsibility after you talk to her about it. Do you expect her to do it just because your mom did it when you were growing up?

Why not just do it yourself, and take on the responsibility of teaching your kids to do it, without fanfare? It’s pretty simple: you can do it yourself, you can even teach your children, and just ask for your wife’s help occasionally (such as with gathering addresses or remembering, “did Auntie Em give the pony to Junior, or was it Granny?” kind of things).

)

Thanks for the reply. As I think I stated in the original post, when I noticed they weren’t getting done, I worked with kids to do them (without fanfare). My wife has not offered to help or do them and doesn’t seem to think they are necessary. Kids are now “with Mom” in that they aren’t important or necessary. It’s like I’m going against her will teaching the kids to do it–because that’s how I was brought up. To be honest, I feel a bit weird writing thank you notes to her parents and siblings when she doesn’t think they are necessary.