Thanksgiving dilemma

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Veronica97

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I know Thanksgiving is still a ways off, but I’m interested in opinions on what to do. We usually go to my sister-in-law’s house on Thanksgiving Day, mainly to drive MIL b/c she is elderly and scared to drive by herself, and SIL lives about an hour and a half away. Last year for the very first year we stayed home and had our own Thanksgiving (just hubby, me, grown daughter, and teenage son) and MIL rode with her husband (who sometimes goes and sometimes doesn’t–and isn’t the best driver himself). Well, it seems that last year for the first time SIL (who is married and invites her husband’s family which includes young children) also invited her male friend and his live-in male partner. And it seems that this coming year, we will likely have to take MIL because we have noticed she and her husband have been failing memory-wise. But SIL’s friend and same-sex partner will be there again. I am unsure if it is appropriate to attend or not. Our son is 19 and would likely be going with us. Do we go out of courtesy to SIL and for MIL’s sake b/c she is elderly and really wants to go? If so, what if the subject of gay marriage comes up? Or what if they start talking about their life together, especially in front of our son. I personally don’t think I could invite a gay couple to my house, but SIL is pretty devout Catholic. Am I just being scrupulous/judgmental?
 
Veronica97 said:
I know Thanksgiving is still a ways off, but I’m interested in opinions on what to do. We usually go to my sister-in-law’s house on Thanksgiving Day, mainly to drive MIL b/c she is elderly and scared to drive by herself, and SIL lives about an hour and a half away. Last year for the very first year we stayed home and had our own Thanksgiving (just hubby, me, grown daughter, and teenage son) and MIL rode with her husband (who sometimes goes and sometimes doesn’t–and isn’t the best driver himself). Well, it seems that last year for the first time SIL (who is married and invites her husband’s family which includes young children) also invited her male friend and his live-in male partner. And it seems that this coming year, we will likely have to take MIL because we have noticed she and her husband have been failing memory-wise. But SIL’s friend and same-sex partner will be there again. I am unsure if it is appropriate to attend or not. Our son is 19 and would likely be going with us. Do we go out of courtesy to SIL and for MIL’s sake b/c she is elderly and really wants to go? If so, what if the subject of gay marriage comes up? Or what if they start talking about their life together, especially in front of our son. I personally don’t think I could invite a gay couple to my house, but SIL is pretty devout Catholic. Am I just being scrupulous/judgmental?
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There’s nothing wrong with having a meal with them. Jesus ate meals with tax collectors and prostitutes. Every person at the table is a sinner.
 
If you are concerned about the example being set for your child, why not host the dinner? Then you will be able to create the guest list.👍 A blessed and happy Thanksgivng to you and your family.
 
When Jesus sat down to eat with the tax collectors and prostitutes, he did not see them the way the world did, as sinners, but as lost souls who were in need of compassion and truth. Hopefully, this analogy will help you to see that your sister in law’s male friends are not just sinners but people who are in the dark and need to be exposed to the light (we are the light of the world).

You cannot run away from issues like this, especially today, they are so prevalent for this generation and for the generations to come. If you plan on attending this Thanksgiving
get together (and it is your choice), I would have a casual family conversation beforehand to discuss the fact that these two men are living together and how God views that kind of lifestyle. It is not a time to judge but a time to love other fellow human beings who are truly lost.

If the couple are invited to sleep over, that is a totally different issue altogether and something I would not expose your family to. While this is a very sensitive issue, I pray that you will reach out in love and understanding, while never compromising your christian values and morals.

God Bless
 
Veronica97 said:
I know Thanksgiving is still a ways off, but I’m interested in opinions on what to do. We usually go to my sister-in-law’s house on Thanksgiving Day, mainly to drive MIL b/c she is elderly and scared to drive by herself, and SIL lives about an hour and a half away. Last year for the very first year we stayed home and had our own Thanksgiving (just hubby, me, grown daughter, and teenage son) and MIL rode with her husband (who sometimes goes and sometimes doesn’t–and isn’t the best driver himself). Well, it seems that last year for the first time SIL (who is married and invites her husband’s family which includes young children) also invited her male friend and his live-in male partner. And it seems that this coming year, we will likely have to take MIL because we have noticed she and her husband have been failing memory-wise. But SIL’s friend and same-sex partner will be there again. I am unsure if it is appropriate to attend or not. Our son is 19 and would likely be going with us. Do we go out of courtesy to SIL and for MIL’s sake b/c she is elderly and really wants to go? If so, what if the subject of gay marriage comes up? Or what if they start talking about their life together, especially in front of our son. I personally don’t think I could invite a gay couple to my house, but SIL is pretty devout Catholic. Am I just being scrupulous/judgmental?
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I agree with the first response entirely. Also, if discussions that make you uncomfortable come up, remember, you are not required to join in. When asked by my gay boss what I thought about homosexual marriage, I gave a direct, honest reply. fortunately he and I have a great relationship and he respected my opinion. If he’d only been discussing it, and not directly addressed me, I would’ve demured. Trust the Holy Spirit to tell you what to say (if anything). Remember, we are advised to have restraint of pen and tongue.
 
Go and enjoy! You stated your SIL is a devout Catholic. I’m sure her gay friends are aware of this. Your son is 19 and an adult. I’m sure he’s heard and read a lot on the subject and many things have been discussed among his friends. I don’t think anyone would bring up any sensitive subjects and if they do, change the topic.
 
Having a meal together does not mean you support homosexual relationships. I gree with Cryptic1 that a family discussion should take place ahead of time.
 
Go and enjoy your family. Don’t waste time fretting about who is going to be there or what topics will be discussed. If something inappropriate comes up, you can always excuse yourself to help with dishes, grab a drink, use the restroom, etc. 😉 And your son is an adult, you really can’t shield him from stuff like this in the real world. :confused: If your SIL is a devout Catholic and she feels it is appropriate to invite these two men a second time, then obviously they knew how to behave the first time and didn’t do anything disrespectful. 🙂 Just because we disapprove of a certain lifestyle doesn’t mean we cannot still show Christian love to these people when we get that chance. So go and have a wonderful time! 🙂
 
Did you ever consider that this couple was invited to your SIL’s because they have no where else to go for the holiday? Every Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, etc my family includes my gay best friend, who over the years has become a real part of my family. He’s even the best man in my brother’s upcoming wedding. When he came out his family could not accept that, and while he’s still welcome to come around he is never treated with any dignity or respect. His family is downright cruel. Without my family he would be alone for the holidays, and that’s just sad.

If I read that correctly your youngest child is 19. Something tells me he’s old enough to be exposed to people who think and live differently than you.

But if you can’t go without being rude or judgemental than it would be doing everyone a kindness if you stay home. Thanksgiving is about love, togetherness, and being grateful. Don’t ruin that spirit for everyone else.
 
First of all, your son is 19 and therefore an adult and somewhere in this world he will encounter gay people if not already. This could be a teachable moment to review what the catechism says about the treatment of people with same sex attraction for both you and your child.

Second, if you are concern that having dinner with this gay couple would be giving “implicit” approval to this relationship, would there be the same concern if this was a straight couple that was living together? Last time I checked my catechism, what my father used to call “playing house” was not approved by the Church.🙂 I am not saying this is your situation, but there can often be a double standard of how many Catholics treat gay couples and straight couples not married but sexually active.

Third, determine what is the end result YOU want this Thanksgiving. Do you want a pleasant holiday? Do you want to make a witness of faith and what is that WITNESS? Are these two things mutually exclusive?

Fourth, take it to prayer
 
THANK YOU ALL! 🙂 As I said, I am scrupulous, and I can’t always see clearly where sin exists (or doesn’t exist), so your replies help a lot! We’ll probably just go, I’ll pray for the men in the meantime (and for myself that I have a loving attitude) and I’ll enjoy the day with an attitude of thankfulness!
 
I would say different from everyone’s comments thus far.

Jesus ate with sinners so that he could reform them. That is what he said. He said I have not come to save the saved but to save the sinners, in so many words.

It isn’t ok just to eat with them and not indicate that in some way that their lifestyle is unspiritual and not right. I cannot say how to say it or give you the exact words to say, but some way this should be communicated so he will know this.

St. Paul says that we must warn the person at least once. And he indicates that once we do this then your part is fulfilled. You don’t have to keep doing it.

And if this were someone who was living with someone and not married, then they too should be warned at least once.

The problem with our society today is that all of this is so common place that it just seems fruitless to do anything about it. Everyone throws up their hands and says “what is the use.”
We still have the obligation to say something at least once to warn them. For we cannot just give in to what society dictates as ok. It isn’t ok. And this should be made known.

Some might say “well it won’t do any good.” This doesn’t matter. We are disobedient by not doing what we should do. And besides, if everyone would do this, it may well have the impact on the person that they need. But we are afraid…afraid of what they might respond or do.

I believe there are right ways and wrong ways. And it does take patience and good judgment in this situation. But this dosen’t mean we should do nothing.

Just a thought.
 
I remember the thread you posted last year. I know where you are coming from, because I normally spend Thanksgiving with a cousin’s family, and in the past two years I found out that one of the daughters is in a same-sex relationship and had a “committment ceremony” last year (I was probably one of the few, if any, cousins in metro area that did not attend). My strategy is simply to avoid the partner (she doesn’t make an effort to greet me, either) or just issue a “general Hello” to everyone I come in.

We often are so caught up in the concept that the most important thing is the preservation of relationships that we forget Jesus’ words that he came to set family members against each other - not on purpose, but possibly he was prophesying about the fact that committing to follow Him would put family relationships to the test.

Veronica97, let me pose this hypothetical situation: what if you were invited to a same-sex marriage/committment ceremony and the MIL asked you and/or your husband to go because she needed you to drive her? Just something to think about.
fred_conty said:
I would say different from everyone’s comments thus far.

Jesus ate with sinners so that he could reform them. That is what he said. He said I have not come to save the saved but to save the sinners, in so many words.

It isn’t ok just to eat with them and not indicate that in some way that their lifestyle is unspiritual and not right. I cannot say how to say it or give you the exact words to say, but some way this should be communicated so he will know this.

St. Paul says that we must warn the person at least once. And he indicates that once we do this then your part is fulfilled. You don’t have to keep doing it.
And if this were someone who was living with someone and not married, then they too should be warned at least once.

The problem with our society today is that all of this is so common place that it just seems fruitless to do anything about it. Everyone throws up their hands and says “what is the use.”
We still have the obligation to say something at least once to warn them. For we cannot just give in to what society dictates as ok. It isn’t ok. And this should be made known.

Some might say “well it won’t do any good.” This doesn’t matter. We are disobedient by not doing what we should do. And besides, if everyone would do this, it may well have the impact on the person that they need. But we are afraid…afraid of what they might respond or do.

I believe there are right ways and wrong ways. And it does take patience and good judgment in this situation. But this dosen’t mean we should do nothing.

Just a thought.
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Well, at least that approach could prevent future dilemnas because Veronica97 may well never be invited back. And at the end of the day, Veronica97 may have no other choice except to speak up (or have a first aid kit handy because she will be biting her tongue very hard).

And regarding the bolded part of your quote: I knew that I read that in Ezekieel, but I am unfamiliar with that in St. Paul. Would you share the reference with me? I’m not trying to argue, I genuinely am curious so I can add this to my “arsenal”, so to speak.
 
fred_conty said:
I would say different from everyone’s comments thus far.

Jesus ate with sinners so that he could reform them. That is what he said. He said I have not come to save the saved but to save the sinners, in so many words.

It isn’t ok just to eat with them and not indicate that in some way that their lifestyle is unspiritual and not right. I cannot say how to say it or give you the exact words to say, but some way this should be communicated so he will know this.

St. Paul says that we must warn the person at least once. And he indicates that once we do this then your part is fulfilled. You don’t have to keep doing it.

And if this were someone who was living with someone and not married, then they too should be warned at least once.

The problem with our society today is that all of this is so common place that it just seems fruitless to do anything about it. Everyone throws up their hands and says “what is the use.”
We still have the obligation to say something at least once to warn them. For we cannot just give in to what society dictates as ok. It isn’t ok. And this should be made known.

Some might say “well it won’t do any good.” This doesn’t matter. We are disobedient by not doing what we should do. And besides, if everyone would do this, it may well have the impact on the person that they need. But we are afraid…afraid of what they might respond or do.

I believe there are right ways and wrong ways. And it does take patience and good judgment in this situation. But this dosen’t mean we should do nothing.

Just a thought.
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the rules of fraternal correction don’t agree with your personal opinion. One clarification is that a person must have just reason to assume their admonishions may be headed, lest they instead push the sinner further away. She scarecly knows these men.
 
AB_Juney said:
the rules of fraternal correction don’t agree with your personal opinion. One clarification is that a person must have just reason to assume their admonishions may be headed, lest they instead push the sinner further away. She scarecly knows these men.
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I believe this was answered by saying “I believe there are right ways and wrong ways. And it does take patience and good judgment in this situation. But this dosen’t mean we should do nothing.”

Just a thought.
 
Since he is old enough to vote, it is impossible to believe your 19 year old is innocent concerning the topic of gay cohabitation or gay marriage. I would be more concerned about political topics (and political disputes) marring the feast. This is something to discuss with your SIL, since I am sure that she is more anxious than you are that no one in her home leaves with the feeling that they had walked into an ambush.

If for no other reason than the sensibilities of the older guests–can you imagine the even the shortest heated exchange about sex in front of your elderly mother?–asking all present to stay off the topics of politics, sex, and religion seems like a reasonable plan. If you are to win anyone over with preaching, it will be the preaching of how you treat others, and not with well-crafted homilies or nimble political dissertations. Raving about a man’s pumpkin pie or asking for his recipe for cornbread stuffing is not an endorsement of his living arrangements.
 
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